Just A Girl
by redvelvetjade
Summary: Miley has to chose between a old popular love and a new forbidden love,All while dealing with the trappings of fame camp, kids,and a future she never thought she would have to fight so hard 2 keep, Mandy lovers will love it! t for femslash.
1. Chapter 1 Just A Girl Intro

A/N

So I started this story back in summer and had loads of ideas and had it all planned out in my head then my stupid computer crashed and I had to re due half of it some where along the line I lost track of what time frame was going on in the story. So ignore that part and just focus on the story itself. Please don't comment on that part. I tried fixing it but it would of screwed up half the chapters. Anyway enjoy. Thanks.


	2. Chapter 2 Two Am

JUST A GIRL

2 AM

A/N While The characters of Rian ,The Shannan's ,Zoe,Alexia are mine last names are omitted for legal reasons their names have been changed, I did check with my lawyer and sadly I still do not own Hannah Montana excuse me while I go silently cry and rock myself in a corner …

" _Miley! Hey Miles! _

I looked up from my sweet position under the weeping willow tree where, I was laying soaking up just enough rays to slightly tan without burning to see one of my many friends calling out to me from where she was currently engaged in a all out tug of war with my dog Sofie. Grinning I shock my head I would never understand cretin things and Demi on her hands and knees pulling on a doggy chew toy while my poor dog gripped it was one that I wasn't going to question.

_Hey a little help here babe it's your dog! _[ Demi]

_yea and it's her toy if u give it to her she'll leave u alone _[ me]

Selena her bff was literally rolling on the floor laughing as tears came down her face. Stretching I got up taking off my shades groaning as the full blast of sun hit me in my eyes , After a few minutes of squinting my eyes adjusted and I headed closer to where everyone else was and by everyone yes I mean half of LA was in my backyard just aquick scan of my poolside I could see besides 16 y. o Demi and Selena there was my co-stars Emily, Mitchel, who were in the pool dunking each other ,Jason who with his wife Jennifer were talking to my momma Tish on the patio deck . Shanica , Ashley ,Arias ,Cody were trying to round up people for a volleyball game as most ignored them which was pissing Ashley off , My older sister Brandi was chilling on the edge of the pool feet dangling over as her friend and band mate Codi kept splashing her causing Brandi to squeal out. Which caused Megan their 3rd b f f / band mate to laugh uncontrollably way too stressed if that makes her laugh like that I thought. No that's not it either there's more people yet! My older brother Trace was with his friends Anthony, Manson [ Mitchel's older bro] and Blake they were throwing a football in the far end of our huge back yard while our younger brother Brasion was racing our younger sister Noah and her bf f/ our cousin Emily Grace cross the whole pool .. then there was my bestie / back up dancer and you tube co-star Mandy who was with her band mates Dominique , Laura, Brooke and Noreen

_Seriously anyone want to play ball _

_and get their butts whooped![ Ashley]_

_No I bet their too afraid I mean after all we _

_are to awesome for their puny selves[ Shancia]_

_o.h.h....[ both]_

_oh u r so on !_

_all talk and no action I'll bet 50 $ on it! [ Brooke]_

_Yea I'll take that bet and make u eat it! [ Ashley]_

Within minutes people were calling out bets and threats and promises to each other as everyone scrambled to hurry to a spot

_You coming Miles? [ Cody]_

_R u insane pretty boy? Mess up my hair ,skin, face..[ Me]_

_chicks man I swear..[ _rolling his eyes as he walked away]

_I don't blame you miles I wouldn't want u to mess up your _

_amazing face, or bruise that gorgeous hot body not that it would make u less_

_amazing...nothing could do that... _

My heart stopped and squeezed no matter how long it's been he could make me melt with one simple

glance or spoken word. My knees instantly crumbled but my pride kept me from crashing down on my face. Then came the smile maybe it was the sun..Yea that was it too much sun that made me suddenly dizzy just as he flashed that 100 watt smile which drove teen age girls and preteens all over the world nuts. I can't pretend to anyone let alone myself that I haven't laid awake alone in my room at night and just stared at his picture and wondered what would have been if we hadn't broken up sometimes I lay awake for so many hours. I would lose track of time and realize that seven o'clock at night had slipped by and it would be 2 am..there were times I stared at his poster and relive all our memories the good and the bad they would inspire me ,depress me. I would sit by the window feeling the wind rip through my hair as I strummed my guitar working on ideas, I got some great songs from it to as I stared at him I replayed the one that I had been working on only last night as I sat up staring at his pic on my cell phone debating call him..or don't? I knew he would be here today when he texted me back instead of calling typical Nick..the lyrics had come so easy to me then but words now seemed to have left me..so I thought of them maybe they would help me over come my sudden shyness .I looked around everyone was busy laughing talking playing no one was noticing that I needed help.._concentrate on the lyrics Miles_ .. I told myself as he stared at me waiting for me to speak he always wanted me to start.. the words of my song washed over my brain..

_[VERSE 1:]  
Snow falls on the city  
White on white  
It's the color of hope  
On an unforgiving night  
You kissed me into ruins  
Sin on sin  
Now I've gotta love your love letters  
Written on my skin_

[CHORUS:]  
I can't tell the stars from the downtown lights  
If I said I was truly over you  
My heart would say amen  
But I'd give in to the cold caress of 2 am.  
If I admit I can't get used to this  
Will my heart break again?  
As I fall into the waiting arms of 2 AM

[VERSE 2:]  
Someone's scratchy music through the walls.  
Sirens weavin' thru the streets  
I must have missed your call  
Gathering up these nights  
Black on black  
I know your voice like it's my own  
And it makes my heart go slack

[CHORUS:]  
I can't tell the stars  
From the downtown lights

If I said I was truly over you  
My heart would say amen  
But I give in to the cold caress of 2 AM  
If I admit I can't get used to this  
Will my heart break again?  
As I fall  
Into the waiting arms of 2 AM

Oh  
If I said I was truly over you  
My heart would say amen  
But I give in to the cold caress of 2 AM  
If I admit I can't get used to this  
Will my heart break again?  
As I fall  
Into the waiting arms of 2 AM  
Of 2 AM 

I should be over him right? It's been long enough we had both moved on I was happy with life but why then did my heart go crazy like this? Why was I almost hyperventilating at the thought of his hands touching my skin of hearing his voice ..why was I almost blacking out staring in his eyes.. speak I told myself dang it just...

_Miley are you okay?_[ Nick]

_Miley_...

My world went black as his arms embraced me the last thing I remember is the strong scent ofPolo Black by Ralph Lauren hitting my nose.

A/N lyrics to 2 am by Alex Johnson from Instant Star


	3. Chapter 3 How Strong do you think I am

**How strong do you think I am**

Nick's p. o. v

Pandemonium that's what occurred next as I stood there in shock . What I thought just happened didn't just happen.. it couldn't Miley collapsing in my arms but there she lay motionless a small moan escaping her lips as everyone noticed a few of the girls let out screams

_oh my god miley! [ Selena]_

_aha!!!!!!!!! [ Emily]_

_oh schnapps get her parents! Miley oh my god can u hear me! [Mandy]_

_Nick put her down! [_ my older bro Kevin_]_

In a instant we were surrounded My brothers our mom Denise, Emily& Mandy . Noah was crying as my younger bro Frankie put his arms around her and tried to lead her away. Mandy immediately started to take her pulse I knew she was concerned it was her heart. I could feel my own start to pound as I stared at her just as I had all night that was all I could do. I mean who could blame me she is so beautiful from her brunette wavy curls to her crystal blue eyes as deep and as blue as the oceans to her delicate olive skin her perfect toned tanned body which was even more developed thanks to all that time spent in Ga over the last two months outdoors every day filming her latest movie. I knew she went for long jogs every day early in the morning and late at night her calf's were proof , it wasn't those that I stared at for hours today OK I'll admit it ! For 16 years old Miley was very well developed in a certain area and as any 16 yo boy with hormones I noticed.. It was amazing how much she had changed in the two and a half years we'd been apart. I could shoot myself for being so stupid and letting her go allowing her to be free to date other idiots like that Justin ..my stomach revolted at his name ..I swore to myself in May when we started to reconnect I wasn't going to lose her if given the chance I do anything to hold onto her.. but she broke up with Justin a day b4 she left to go to Ga I couldn't spring my feelings on her then it wasn't fair she had too much on her plate.. I swore tonight ..but I never expected so many people to be here or for her to sleep most of the time so I just watched and waited when I saw her get up I made my move but b4 I could speak more then are u OK? She was down...Her mom and dad came running out as Brandi knelled down by her grabbing her from my arms , I wanted to protest to scream for her to wake up but Kevin's arms held me back. I watched as Brandi took her temp and called to her stroking her face it was then I noticed how pale she was and how much she was sweating.

_Miley baby! Oh my god Billy Ray call 911! [_Tish]

It was Codi who ended up calling she was the first to the phone as Tish squatted by her oldest daughter

calling to Miley in her strong TN accent she was calm and her voice soft soothing as she held her and kissed her face talking to her urging her to open her eyes..

_Miley baby I know u like attention and all_ _but this is not cool you are freaking_

_your daddy and I out.. u need to open those gorgeous eyes and wake up.._

_What's her pulse Mandy? [ Tish]_

_120/60 [ Mandy]_

_baby please wake up [ Tish]_

_hey miles u better listen to mom_

_or I swear I'll kick your butt. ![ Trace]_

_Try it brodder I dare ya' [ miley]_

_oh my god your awake! [Brandi]_

_thank god! _

Brandi scooped her up and held her in her arms as Mrs,Cyrus started to stroke her face calling her name over and over Miley moaned as Mr. Cyrus knelled by her ..

_bud can u hear me? [ Billy Ray]_

Miley's eyes closed she looked like she was in a world of pain her normal Rosie checks were pale and dark circles underlined her eyes .I reached down finally fighting off my brother and pushed Megan out of the way the minute I touched her I could feel how warm she was. My heart squeezed in fear and the thought of her being ill made me physically ill. Without thinking my fingers touched her curl hair that laid spread out over the cement and Brandi's lap. It was stiff from all the hairspray and wet with perspiration hearing her moan made me want to scream and punch things but years of being Diabetic have taught me that you can't always control what life gives you but you can choose how you deal with it. I can't change what happened to Miley but punching things wouldn't help her.

_Miley it's nick.._

My throat felt dry we had only begun to talk again recently would she even want to hear my voice? Was it cause of me that she passed out?

_I know I'm not your most favorite person in the world_

_but I just want you to be okay and to let_

_you know that I'm right here [ nick]_

_miles I know u prob can't hear me but .._

_Prince Charming ? [ miley]_

Her voice was raspy and sounded dry her eyes opened just slightly her breathing was staggered at best and she gave short moans. Her parents started firing questions at her as her moans increased

_Miley baby you need to tell us what hurts?[Mrs. Cyrus]_

_Is it your head? Your stomach?[ Mr. Cyrus]_

_are you still dizzy? [ Mrs. Cyrus]_

_Miley what about your heart? [ Mrs. Cyrus]_

_Tish darlin' let her answer one b4 u move to the next_

_give the girl a sec..bud can you try to tell us..?[ MR, Cyrus]_

Miley looked like she wanted to speak but found it to difficult..then it dawned on me..

_She's hypoglycemic did anybody check her Glucose?[ nick]_

_I'll go get the meter _ _...[ Mandy]_

_Miley honey u need to talk to us what did you eat today?_

_Mo~~m..oh.....I.. do..n...'t..f..e..e...l. w..e..l..l..[Miley]_

_Baby we know and were trying to help you but u need to talk to us..{ Mrs. Cyrus]_

Her mom was stroking her face as Trace came back with a wet wash cloth to place on her face he started to run it all over her which seemed to help her and her moans eased up but her coughs increased her dad rubbed her back in tiny circles …till she started to calm down and manged to open her eyes slowly just as my brother Joe ran in and tripped over a rock and went head first into the pool causing some of us to break the tension and laugh even Miley gave a slight chuckle which lead to more coughing. Her dad just kept rubbing her back till she leaned her head on her sister's left knee and softly said..

_I had a bagel this morning and coffee...[ miley]_

_what time? { Mrs. Cyrus] _

_I'm not sure..maybe 7..[ miley]_

_got it![ Mandy]_

Mandy came running out and slide down breathless by us as she took Miley's hand , miles quickly looked away. Mandy swapped her finger with alcohol and pricked her .I saw her flinch a little but she didn't cry or scream or even yelp.

_Oh schnapps her glucose is only 22..[ Mandy]_

_we need to get her blood sugar up Trace go get some juice and candy! [ Brandi]_

He took off fast all my stuff was inside so I couldn't help any faster but I did take her hand and squeeze it not sure if it would help her or make her angry but she surprised me and squeezed back. She even turned her head slightly and smiled a bit which eased my fears it was the Miles we all knew and loved constantly smiling. My parents started to clear everybody out of the room as we heard the sirens approaching the house I think it was Kevin that ran to punch in the code to let them through the gates the flashes of red were followed by the flashes of cameras and paparazzi yelling out god the normal 50 vans had tripled but I didn't care how many were there the only person I cared about was laying motionless on the ground as her parents cradled her. I felt my mom grip my shoulders as I struggled to break free

_Nick honey let them do their jobs [ Denise]_

_mom I ..[ me]_

_she'll be fine baby she had a bad reaction that's all [ Denise]_

I wanted to believe her I did but I was silently afraid the paramedics started to fire questions at her family as my parents pulled me away till I couldn't hear anymore all I could do was wonder and wait or pace as it was. Joe was trying to tell jokes to make me laugh but I wasn't in the mood.

_I know your worried nick but she seems to be okay [ Selena]_

Selena had come over and put her arms over my shoulders I felt myself sink into her arms she always knew how to read my mind was this a good thing? I had not yet decided but for right now it was what I needed so I found myself turning to her and wrapping my arms around her . She rested her head against my shoulder which is when I noticed that she was trembling god I was a awful boyfriend. Here I was stressing over a girl who I broke up with two years ago when we were pretty much children we had both moved on and I was so lucky to be with a girl as pretty and talented and sweet as Selena and I was ignoring her. I didn't stop to think how seeing miles pass out affected her I mean they were close friends. I swore to be a better boyfriend from now on starting by rubbing her arms and taking her away from the drama

_I'm sorry Selena I should have been by your side [me]_

_no baby it's o k I get it she'll always be your first love_

_and she's a close friend of course your worried it's _

_only natural {Selena]_

_that's what I love about you Nicky how sweet you are_

Her face was lined with tears as she sniffled I could feel her trembling subside as she laid her head on my chest . My heart was beating so fast but closing my eyes and breathing in her sweet scent of frilly lily .Leaning down I kissed her head wiping away her tears , she was complimenting me even after I was pinning for my ex who dose that? How did I get so lucky and why did I feel so guilty? I had barely even talked to Miles never mind do anything to feel guilty about and I had moved on I wasn't in love with miles .. but did I love Selena?

_Nick u okay? [ Selena]_

_yea I'm good how about you? [me]_

_doing good holding you helps [ Selena]_

She looked up in my eyes and I felt a surge of love as I leaned down to kiss her. I felt like a total hypocrite though here I was kissing her telling her I loved her when just last night I had laid up in my room writing a song about miles about our breakup about how much I loved her wanted her needed her but didn't have the guts to go after her to defy the ones who were telling us we couldn't be together..the lyrics of my last song came back to me..

_If I don't cry, Do you think I don't feel?  
If I look away, it doesn't mean I don't see,  
And just because I want someone when I'm alone,  
Doesn't mean I'm helpless,  
That I can't stand on my own._

How far can we go before we break?  
How long can I wait?

How strong do you think I am?  
How much can I take of this?  
Am I a rock, or a fist?  
Or the breath at the end of a kiss?  
How deep do you want to go, because I'll go there if I can,  
You make it harder than it has to be,  
How strong how strong, how strong do you think I am?

It's so hard to tell,  
What's in your heart,  
What you keep to yourself,  
Is tearing me apart,  
And should I be afraid,  
To dream about you?  
And if you feel the same,  
Watch you going to do?

How far can we go before we break?  
How long can I wait?

How strong do you think I am?  
How much can I take of this?  
Am I a rock, or a fist?  
Or the breath at the end of a kiss?  
How deep do you want to go, because I'll go there if I can,  
You make it harder than it has to be,  
How strong how strong, how strong do you think I am?

If I move in any closer,  
If you let go and give yourself away,  
and if we let this happen to us,  
Everything will change.

How strong do you think I am?  
How much can I take of this?  
Am I a rock, or a fist?  
Or the breath at the end of a kiss?  
How deep do you want to go, because I'll go there if I can,  
You make it harder than it has to be,  
How strong how strong, how strong,  
How strong do you think I am?  
How much can I take of this?  
Am I a rock, or a fist?  
Or the breath at the end of a kiss?  
How deep do you want to go, because I'll go there if I can,  
You make it harder than it has to be,  
How strong how strong, how strong,  
How strong, how strong, do you think I am? 

I had tried to call her several times over the year but she had moved on with him..she said she was happy but I saw in her eyes she was lying but she would never admit to it..why? Was she afraid? She said she had trust issues in her interview in 17 mag ..I knew it was a dig at me.. I had promised her so much and broke every one..then I had slapped her in the face by parading Selena in her face .. I was a world class idiot why would she trust me? I wouldn't trust me..but I had changed and I wanted her to know but she was so stubborn and made everything so much harder..it was starting to break me how much did she think I could take? All I wanted was to talk..I looked away from Selena ..my heart broke to see her laying there so pale and sick..


	4. Chapter 4 Standing Alone

**Not Standing Alone**

Miley p. o. v [ later that night]

My parents were currently arguing over as to what had caused this sudden collapse my dad thought it was too many late nights up with Mandy mom thought it was my working so much. The guests had long gone and I was laying awake in bed hearing them discuss this Mandy was laying next to me sound asleep. The paramedics had wanted me to go to the hospital but once I had juice and ate a sandwich .I felt fine so my parents felt there was no reason to cause a media stir as long as I felt better , mom had been coming in to take my vitals and blood sugar every 15 minutes and I was back to normal of course she made a appointment with my pediatrician as well for tomorrow. So in truth was I worried? Yes I'd be lying to say that the sudden months of being tired no matter how much I slept the or loss of appetite the dizziness and nausea and the head aches and the strep didn't worry me. I chalked it up to stress so I wasn't going to argue with mom when she told me she had made the appointment not that it would of done any good she's the parent I'm the child. What I hated was hearing how this affected my parents their fighting tore me up .I felt tears slide down my face ..

_Baby what's wrong? [ Mandy]_

She sat up groggy letting out a sigh I knew she was exhausted she had been in 8-10 hr rehearses for three weeks plus in the studio recording after the rehearses and on weekends. Still when mom told her to go home and rest that Brandi could stay with me she flat out refused to leave my side it was amazing to have a friend as generous and selfless as she is. I felt her reach over so I tried to hide the tears embarrassed she'd see me crying. I should of known she's caught on anyway her arms slowly embraced me into a tight hug as her chin rested on my shoulders her breath was warm and was a mix of beer and cherries strangely it was a comfort.

_Miles baby talk to me..[ Mandy]_

_it's no..t.h..i. [ Me]_

_don't tell me that liar I can see u _

_crying I can feel your shoulders _

_shaking what's .._

She seemed to get it all of a sudden as I heard a door slam my dad was mad he thought mom was over reacting again. Mandy didn't say anything more she just held me and kissed my checks.

Somehow she is always able to calm me down even without words. By the time mom came up I had used the bathroom and washed up so I looked somewhat decent she hugged me and I sunk into her arms. God how much I loved her I doubt she'll ever know just how deep my love goes. She took my vitals and my temp. then she came over to my bed where Mandy was on her cell,

_I'm glad your feeling better Baby girl _

_but after the Dr. appointment_

_tomorrow I want you in bed to rest I _

_already called your agent and told him_

_you would not be at the meeting tomorrow _

_and I'll call MacKenzie in the morin' [ mom]_

_but momma [ me]_

_no buts baby [ mom]_

She tucked me in and kissed my forehead. I wanted to argue tell her I had to be at the meeting but suddenly. .I was so hot and exhausted I didn't have the energy to do it..I did mange to grab the thermometer and motion for her to take my temp again she looked at me but did it and gasped this time it was 103.2 .Mandy jumped up and ran into the bathroom grabbing a wash cloth and wetting it placing it on my now burning head she sat by me her eyes filed with worry. Mom and her talked in hushed tones as I closed my eyes and let sleep take me away.

I awoke what must've been hours later my stomach was hurting so bad I felt like I was about to throw up, Mandy had fallen asleep her arms draped over me holding me close my head had fallen onto her chest the wash cloth had fallen somewhere beyond reach but I felt cooler. Laying there I tried to breath

in and out to calm my tummy but I found myself thinking of everything .I had to do in the up coming weeks photo shoots for magazines, billboards to promote my new line max and miley for wall-martz.

[ A/ N ..Legal name change here] .

I had countless interviews , I had to shoot a new commercial for Friends 4 future 2 morrows

[ Legal name change again]

Then there was rehearsals for the new tour vocal lessons, dance lessons it all made me so anxious I was excited about tour but sad to cause Mandy wouldn't be there this time still it was looking amazing! I loved touring being in a different city every night playing live being with friends seeing different sites it was what I lived for. Making music! Yes! Rolling over as a smile played on my lips. I wrapped my arms around her stomach laying on my right side , I watched her sleep wow she looked gorgeous I mean I always knew she was / her body was so built and tone from her 18 years of dancing and working out her sun drenched skin was tanned to perfection without a trace of orange. Her jet black hair as thick as a ravens feathers laid scattered over the giant pillows. I ran a finger over her checks which were slightly paler without her layers of thick makeup but she looked just as beautiful natural as she did covered in that gunk. My hand traced from her face to her neck and over her chest which rose and fell in soft quite motions. There's been a lot of garbage said about her in the media cause of our 4 year

[Yes 4 year!]

Age gap..gasp o. m. g 4 years!

But if I could say one thing about Mandy is that when I need her she's always here for me. The majority of time I live in a very grown up world with a lot of grown up responsibilities and don't have a lot of time to just be a kid but with Mandy .I can be just that a kid she's fun and our friend ship can be light hearted but it's still deep we don't have to talk to know what the other one needs we just _**know **_and I think that is so cool to have a friend you can count on like that. I will defend her against anyone.. everyone who knows me knows that..she's the one I call when I'm upset cuz I had a fight with my brother when I broke up with my boyfriend when I'm stressed or sick..she's the one I celebrate with when my songs go to number one when I need a GNO she's my # one go 2 girl. People know when u can't find Miles find Mandy ..what people don't know is that she's more then just a bestie ...more then a sister..

See Mandy is the women I'm in love with no not just the best friend love the real one in a kind for ever love the one u would give your own life for the one u would stop existing without..that kind of love! None knows expect her and I know she feels the same about me..she's told me..she's showed me..but no one else can ever know..major prob she's 21 , I'm 16..and oh yea I'm Miley Ray star of Disney's Hannah Montana..the one teen queen everyone loves to hate the one everyone feels the need to tear down..what better way to do that then to have a real honest goodness scandal then they wouldn't have to make lies up..what better scandal then the Disney princess being gay..with a 21 y. o lover..not that we are.. I did make that promise to remain pure in till my wedding night but would they care? Do they care now? No..so we pretend to be just friends.. I pretend that I don't ache for her to touch me in places .I shouldn't be thinking about I pretend to not want to hold her hand when we walk the red carpet we pretend to date other people .. other guys..but it's not real ..well for the most part okay I'll admit ..Nick well he got to me I fell hard ..but I got crushed harder .. he was a ass breaking up with me on new years eve 10 minutes b4 we had 2 go on stage and preform 2gatha on bm2u which is the number one music channel for kids and teens

[ broadcasting music 2 u legal name change]

I was crushed but what hurt worse were the lies and the sneaking around I suspected he'd been cheating on me with Selena for months but he'd say I was paranoid and just accusing him so we'd break up. He swore he'd never hurt me like that..but he did..he was..I found out and it hurt..bad..the media had a field day with it..the sides were chosen fans took to their idols defense ,Selena was an angel I was the whore..who cheated some how it was twisted and I was the one who was the bad guy and it was all Mandy's fault cause she was a bad influence. really she was the one holding my hand when I wanted to slit my wrists from depression she was the one holding me when I couldn't stop crying. She kept me strong she kept me going she kept me living.. but they don't look at that they see what they wanna see and that's it all smoke and illusions lies perfected by the glare of the glass and holly wood lights.

I was exhausted but still I couldn't sleep my tummy just plain hurt now my head and throat weren't feeling so great either.. so what was I to do? Tweeted ,So I started to type

milesray I feel like I'm falling apart. My tummy hurts so bad today =[ UGH! Why cant I just be healthy for a day! DOO DA DOO!

milesray I'm sick as a dog! At least my Bestie is rad and is lying in my STREP infested bed with me. =]

milesray Laying in bed sick trying to sleep can't why do I always have such trouble

with such a simple act as sleeping it's a natural course of action at 12am

but not for me no my body is wide awake ah!

milesray Okay tweeters any idea's on how to get my sick tired body to do what I want not what it wants

and what I want is sleep and to feel better! I take suggestions please!

The response were varied and made me laugh but still sleep seemed far from close. Sighing I turned and laid my head on Mandy's chest. Her breathing eased me and slowly I felt my eyes start to close my hands ran their way up her flat and firm stomach which rose steady and even as she breathed in and out a soft moan escaped her soft lips as my fingers made little circles over her tummy and chest looking up at her god I wish I could kiss her but I didn't want to wake her she slept so restless most nights and I knew she was exhausted she's been working really long hours rehearsing with her group The Beach Angels [ hope it's legal] they were putting together choreography for their new songs in the studio laying down tracks basically promoting themselves she was in the studio's anywhere from 8-15 hours with hardly any sleep at night plus trying to squeeze in time for us. I knew what she was going through it was only 5 years ago or so that my family and I moved from Nashville to La so I could began production on Hannah Montana. It's a long up hill battle trying to get discovered and once your there it's even harder to stay on top cause everyone tries to tear u down. I was grateful I had her in my life after all the friends I had that had betrayed me after fame hit like Candy.

The minute she got hold of pictures of me and my ex-boyfriend tommy kissing and laying by each other when we were 13 she sold them to the media dang they had a field day to making up all these lies about what had went on most claimed I had slept with him..I was 13! the message boards went crazy I was labeled with every name out there and all we had done was kiss..it was sickening but worse was that Candy had been the one who had sold them..the end of our friendship was worth $3000 she never apologized either it was like once fame hit all she saw me for was what my name could get her when I took her to parties she'd throw my name out there to see what designers would give her free stuff what celebs would hang out with her.. the photo's were the last straw it was so hard but I ended the friendship. I cried for days she never shed a tear..there were others to who sold me out who talked behind my back...Mandy was a breath of fresh air we met 5 years ago when she was hired as a dancer for my first Hannah show we became best friends a year later and we've been inseparable ever since she came into my life at a time I needed her the most I had broken up with Nick and lost my close friend Vanessa to Cystic Fibrosis she was 11, I was 14. I never can understand why a god who has blessed me with so many things can be the same god who would then turn and give a child [who should be running bases and playing ball who should be playing princess dress up and jumping rope]..cancer or CF of any disease for a child to bear that pain is something I can't stand to think about ..but my sweet Vanessa did bear it in till her body couldn't stand any more..she got her wings on October 31st 2007..Mandy and I began to talk after both events shock my foundation she helped me to see the bigger picture that even though Nick and I had broken up he had taught me what it meant to fall in love and we had plenty of amazing memories ,Vanessa's illness,death weren't in vain cause she taught me there was more important things in life then perfect skin ,hair there was more to life then fancy cars or big premieres.. she helped me to be silly to be a kid and not to get to caught up in being so famous that I forget to be 14..she knew what it was like to have friends betray her as well and she would never to do that to me she protects me but doesn't over protect she lets me make my mistakes but catches me when I fall.. she also has her own life and refuses to live in my shadow she has her own career and wants to make it on her own terms and not be known forever as the best friend of Miley Ray..

Sleep finally came around one I know cause I heard Brandi come in from her band rehearsal. I fell asleep watching Mandy sleep. A small smile spread over my lips.

_Miles wake up sweetie we have to go..[ Mom]_

_n..o..o..h [ Me]_

_yes don't be difficult [Mom]_

_baby you have a doctor's appointment today_

_15 more minutes mom please~[ Me]_

_Miles it's already one your appointment's at 2 ..[ Mom]_

_where's Mandy?[ me]_

_she went to rehearsal at 10 she'll call u tonight let's go _

_you have interviews and a photo shoot lined up as well [ mom]_

My body felt like a semi truck had been using it as a track but I commanded it to get up anyway and slowly walked into my own bathroom and started to get ready. I was shocked at how long it took and even a bit scared I'm a athlete ,I'm flexible but today it felt like I was made of lead my legs wouldn't move when I told them to my head was pounding my throat was raw and my voice sounded like I had been sucking on sandpaper .I felt like I was going to hurl and my back and stomach were both sending out sharp pains.. taking deep and slow breaths was the only thing that seemed to help. It seemed to take forever but I managed to make it into the shower and get dressed and dry my hair in 20 minutes quickly .I spritzed some perfume on and did my makeup before heading downstairs to swallow some apple juice and munch on some peanut butter toast while my dad worked on perfecting the perfect Ovaltine.

_U look like what my cat dragged in yesterday ew.. [ Noah]_

_thanks sis I love you to..[ me]_

_jus sayin' sorry..[ Noah]_

_mom I need new shoes! [ Noah]_

_I need new clothes [ Brasion]_

_need need need is that all you kids know how to say?[ dad]_

_well it's true [ Noah]_

_school doesn't start for another 2 months u can wait [ mom]_

_but... [Noah]_

_Noah stop whining I'll take u when it's time right _

_now your sister needs to see a doctor [mom]_

_well I've been saying that for years _

_but none listens to me..[ Brasion]_

_shut up boy [ me]_

_you r so rude [me]_

I slapped his head as he gasped and tried to pounce on me as Noah cheered for him! dad quickly broke it up. I wouldn't admit it but that little scuffle with my brother wore me out but I knew if mom suspected how tired I was she'd freak out and prob make me cancel on my plans with Mandy this weekend so I did my best acting and hurried to the car, before she got there, I switched stations so rock was blasting when she climbed in she looked at me but I played innocent she grumbled about kids not knowing what real music is but didn't change it just ruffled my hair why do parents always do that! I mean seriously it's like they try to make you mad..u spend hours just getting it right only to have it ruined in a few seconds! Ah! Mom and I talked about a million in one things on the way there everything expect why we were going there.

The waiting room was crowded with kids playing in plastic toys and tables some fighting or crying moms rocking fussy babies kids sneezing and coughing some laying down a few parents complaining they'd been waiting forever but we were escorted right in causing some more people to voice their opinions then the gasps started as soon as the kids recognized me …

_Miley! Miley!_

_Oh my god!_

I went over and started to sign some autographs a few sat shocked some started to cling to me. I loved seeing a child smile and hearing how much my music or show helps them. Mom came and got me as soon as they were ready the nurse was standing at the door. She showed us back on the way to the exam room we stopped at a scale..why do they always make you get on backwards like your not allowed to know your own weight? Hello it's my body!

_5'5 miles still growing _

_120 lbs _ [ Rn]

What was I suppose to say?

_Well you haven't lost weight sweetie that's a good sign [Mom]_

_sure mom whatever you say [ Me]_

We were then ushered into a room and I went through the whole undressing issue harder then it should be since. I was stiff, luckily mom's cell had rung so she was occupied with who ever it was as I slide on the gown. Then laid down fighting off sleep music played from speakers and I found myself lost in Jordain Parks battle field the words rung true in my head. I found myself thinking about Nick like the first time we meet..it was June 11th 2006 we were doing the Elizabeth Glaser pediatric Aids

Foundation and I would love to say .I was smooth and knew what to say and made a cool impression-but NO the first words I said were " _I hate your shirt" _yea real smooth miles uh huh..not. it got worse from there he stood me up for karaoke and everyone laughed at me..then things changed we went on a date of course my sister and his friends were there but we won't argue the fine points..we talked a lot that night and then we talked on the phone even more..for hours when we hung up. I slept with that phone by my ear .I wanted to keep him close I was 13 and I was smitten. After that it got better we saw each other whenever we could we both had pretty busy lives but he was always so sweet buying me roses for no reason singing to me changing lyrics and adding my name we'd play basketball ride bikes we made the most of our time by just being together we would sneak dances to what ever song playing on the radio when we were suppose to be swimming as part of our physical education for our home schooling. He could make me laugh like none else and he inspired me so much I use boys as a way to write they make great inspirations cause with love there's always great joy and great pain so I got a whole album out of our relationship! When we were young love was easy and care free before fame hit us hard before Disney decided it was better for us to be apart they were afraid Nick's band which is made up of him his older brother's Kevin 24 and Joe 22 wouldn't do as well if Nick the heart throb had a girlfriend as popular as I was..stupid yes but nick believed them and it made me angry how could he chose fame over us? So we started fighting like crazy then it blew up...Selena . Disney's newest girl had just entered the scene and she was taking over the audience her show was a instant hit and the fans poured in fast and hard but even worse the media started pairing her with Nick and fans started buying it and wanted a Nelena union yea that was their couple name..I didn't understand what I had done wrong. I was never someone to pretend to be anyone but who I was unless I was acting of course..still somehow things got twisted up and he started to like the idea of being with her which pissed me off more..I was in love and I was young..maybe I was too young or to naive cause I honestly wanted to believe he wouldn't lie to me ..but he did we had a little game I would ask a question and he would come up with the most creative answer and I pretended to believe him but my innocence was starting to wear out ..Every time he lied was like another piece of me breaking off soon he was starting to mock me in front of his friends and they would laugh when I tried to tell him how it felt he laughed more and told me to stop being a baby then he would force his lips on mine his kisses use to be sweet and make me feel safe and loved I use to giggle as he would tickle my mouth with his tongue and beg for him to kiss deeper but now they made me feel used and scared , fame had started to go to his head he thought he was better then everyone else he thought he was untouchable .I knew he was fooling around with Selena and he denied it .I couldn't hate her though I mean she was the new girl and she was being sweet talked by prince charming who wouldn't fall? I never went out of my way to be mean to her nor did I go out of my way to be friend her ..the final straw came Dec 19th I caught him kissing her we had a huge fight I screamed that we were over he dismissed it..he wanted to play it on his term..by texting me good-bye on new years eve before we were due on stage together. Nice huh? It was devastating but I had come to a sort of numbness by then and I manged to go on and do my job and act like I wanted to be there with them. The worst was to come though the teams him and his brothers betrayed me again by taking Selena's side her and her best friend Demi had started making video's on you tube like Mandy and I had..they wore shirts saying team Selena and Demi which started a whole new war which Mandy became the new hate target but she took it in stride and never let it get to her. It got to me though I just be came real awesome at hiding it and so the depression began. Mandy helped me through it all if it wasn't for her I would've slide so deep. I'm scared of the outcome there were more scandals more lies all about me more pictures loss of fans he and his brothers dissed me more and it brought more pain and more tears for me but then an amazing thing happened .Time passed I got another album out of him thanks Nick! It's been 2 years and we've both grown up. We've moved on I dated Justin who's 20 for a few months more scandal more lies but the break up with Nick made me realize I was stronger then I think I am..it also made me look deep inside and see that I was dating guys like Nick and Justin cause they were safe in a way I knew the relationship could never last for different reasons. Nick cause we were both young and seeking career's that prevented a long term relationship and Justin cause he was older and he was a way to escape having to fall again he was a sweet guy but he was my dad's buddy not someone I would ever fall for..a way to escape the pain of Nick and have fun..he is an amazing kisser Justin and he treated me with respect never forced himself on me we had a lot in common and made great music my family liked him we were great friends but that's it..being with him was a way to cover up how I truly felt ..I was 15 and I was in love with my best friend ..my best girl friend..and I had no idea if she felt the same..even if she did what could I do? She was 20 and I was 15. and I was the star of a kid friendly television network one that prided itself on positive messages..being gay? Uh no not very Disney..approved they already hated Mandy just cause she was older and had made some mistakes in her past, so I hid as long as I could..Brandi was the one who put it together she knew me to well she arranged for us to be alone the night before my 16th birthday party in Disney world we went to a movie and I was petrified the whole night so I clung to her arm which she thought was so adorable..then we went for a long drive and had a picnic under the stars on top of Griffith park and over looked the holly wood sign..we started to talk and some how we ended up laying down star gazing it was so peaceful and so beautiful! Breathtaking but when I looked at her she was the most amazing sight she had her head slightly turned to look at the view her eyes half closed and she just looked gorgeous .I noticed a slight Rembrandt of ketchup on her lower lip the right side so I reached up tentatively and wiped it off she smiled at me but it wouldn't come off since it had dried so I shyly asked if she minded if I wet my finger she had laughed and said something cute like me being a momma bear but said no she didn't mind but when I went to use my finger I found myself staring in her eyes and without thinking ,I kissed her long and hard and she responded passionately. thinking about it brings a smile to my lips every time she is the most amazing women ever and I love her more then life itself..

I remembered the first song I wrote about her the one I sung to her that night on the mountain top she had smiled as she watched me strumming my guitar as I sung to her softly I had never been so nervous as I was that singing to her but looking at her as she lay on her stomach chin propped in her fists her elbows holding her up as she gazed at me lovingly her smile encouraged me as I sung my heart out to her..

Not Standing Alone

_I'd go where I've known  
If the earth could find my feet  
I would run away and go where I known_

But you don't even care  
No you don't even care  
Whats fair

Not standing alone  
Not standing around  
While they sit there and wait until I lose my ground  
Not letting it go  
Won't leave it behind  
Won't let it pass me by no not this time  
Not standing alone  
Not standing around  
Not letting it go  
Won't leave it behind

I keep so far  
I nearly lost my mind  
I held on so tight  
And now I see that I was blind

Bu you don't even care  
No you don't even care  
What's fair

Not standing alone  
Not standing around  
While they sit there and wait until I lose my ground  
Not letting it go  
Won't leave it behind  
Won't pass me by no not this time  
Not standing alone  
Not standing around  
Not letting it go  
Won't leave it behind

I have a party  
I have a song  
Don't need nobody ain't nothing wrong  
I hear the talk  
I hear the cry  
Along the inside and looking out  
Heyyyy

Not standing alone  
Not standing around  
While they sit there and wait until I lose my ground  
Not letting it go  
Won't leave it behind  
Won't pass me by no not this time  
Not standing alone  
Not standing around  
Not letting it go  
Won't leave it behind

Not standing around no no no  
Not standing around no no no  
Not standing around no no no  
Not standing around no no no

Not standing around not standing around  
Not standing around no no no 

She knew without me having to put it in the song that she was the reason I wasn't standing alone any more the reason I could smile and the reason I could write again..


	5. Chapter 5 Time To Be Your 21

_**Time to be Your 21**_

_Miley Ray I was hoping you wouldn't need to come back so soon[ Dr. Tanner]_

_yea that makes two of us! [Me]_

_well let's see what's going on.._

I struggled to get up but covered up that struggle mom was off the phone now and standing next to me watching me like a hawk. Dr. Tanner slide the stethoscope over my chest and back which was cold and made me shiver, then he used his fingers to feel over my head and neck making me choke as his fingers slide over my throat. He wordlessly took a look I opened my mouth ..

_it's sore for sure very red how long has it hurt? [ Dr. Tanner]_

_about three days it's on and off she'll get it for a few days then it stops_

_and she''ll be fine for a week or so and then it comes back [ Mom]_

_any nausea, vomiting diarrhea? [ Dr. Tanner]_

Why do they always ask questions that they know will embarrass you? I felt my face turn three shades of cranberry..

_yea she's gotten all them headaches as _

_well as aches and pains[ mom]_

_fevers ,dizziness? [ Dr. Tanner]_

_on and off she had a 103 temp _

_yesterday after she passed out [mom]_

_her blood sugars are normal so I'm going to[Dr. Tanner]_

_draw some blood work and run some tests[Dr. Tanner]_

_I have a feeling it's stress maybe[Dr. Tanner]_

_her medication as well so[Dr. Tanner]_

_I wouldn't worry Tish she's young strong and she's_

_a fighter will have her feeling better by a few days.._

_it's okay to lay down now miles I'm going to hook _

_u up to a ECG so lay still and breath normal [Dr. T]_

ECG's are harmless but a pain cause you can't move and the gel is sticky. Laying there though gave me time to think about song lyrics I was working on a few new ones and having trouble with each. We were there for about 2 hours before he came back..

_all your blood work came back normal _

_you do have a mild case of strep again but_

_I believe your having a reaction to your medication_

_which we knew was a possibility sometimes your body \_

_develops a resistance to the drug [ Dr. T]_

_what can be done she needs the meds to help her heart? [ mom]_

_what I'm going to do is pull her off for a week and let her system_

_cleanse it's self and then wait a week and prescribe a different medication._

_So don't give her any more __propafenone but keep an _

_eye on her if she develops any of these systems_

_call me or bring her in.._

_feeling short of breath, even with mild exertion; _

_swelling, rapid weight gain; _

_slow heart rate, weak pulse, fainting, slow breathing (breathing may stop); _

_pale skin, easy bruising or bleeding, unusual weakness; _

_confusion, unusual thoughts or behavior; or _

_seizure._

_dizziness; _

_she may have these symptoms as well but don't panic right away if she gets these her body needs to adjust_

_unusual or unpleasant taste in your mouth; _

_nausea, vomiting; _

_warmth, redness, or tingly feeling under your skin; _

_; _

_headache; _

_tired feeling; _

_ringing in your ears; _

_unusual dreams; or _

_blurred vision._

Mom looked scared but played it cool he gave me a spray to help ease my throat and told me take pain reliever if I got another fever.

After we left we had to race to do Radio Disney then I had 4 more interviews and a photo shot which was hot and sweaty.

By the time I got home all I wanted was a bath and my bed while I was soaking. I called Mandy who was still in rehearsal. We talked for like 15 minutes before she had to go. I wanted to see her so bad but I knew she had to be wiped.

After dinner I checked mileyworld and did some blogging and went on tweeter then Noah wanted to play so we did a few games of monopoly she won every dang time. By 9pm I was exhausted and went up to bed.

In the middle of the night I woke up sweating and breathing hard I felt dizzy and short of breath and very nausea and unexceptionably cold to the point of shivering. I tried to take deep breaths and calm myself but it was useless I started burping and felt the vomit rise throwing the covers off I ran into the bathroom and started to throw up...

Vomiting took everything out of me I don't even know how long I laid on the floor with my head on top of the toilet before I was able to reach my cell and call Mandy ..her voice was groggy and soft when she answered half asleep I knew..

_he..llo? [ Mandy]_

_Manderz..I n..e..e..d .h..e..l..p [ Me]_

_who is this is this a joke?_

_Do u have any idea what time it is? [ Mandy]_

My throat was so dry and hurt so bad it came out in staggered barks I could barely recognize it..my lips were chapped and bleeding and when I accidentally swallowed the blood it burned my throat more. I couldn't blame her for thinking it was a prank call.

_no..pl..e. a..s e. don't hang.._

I started coughing violently so bad my whole body shock and the cell dropped. I felt myself gagging and gasped as the contents of my stomach came up for the hundredth time that night..by the time I caught my breath .I felt like I was caught in a inferno my whole body was on fire. Laying my head down on my arms which were wrapped around the toilet..I surrendered to the fact I would have to spend the night there cause my legs were shaking to much to move...the coughing had subsided but my tummy still felt uneasy..I started to dream I was on a raft in the ocean and I was yelling to be saved but the water was closing in on me...noone was coming I was scared..I felt the ice cold temp of the sea as it closed around me and started to shiver...

_Miles wake up..honey please.._

_your scaring me..Miley Ray!_

The raft was shaking my body felt like it was being tossed around..

_Miley! Baby please wake up!_

My hair was blown back and pulled up by the wind...

_Call 911 she's not responding! _

Who was yelling? Did they see me? Why waste time calling 911 I was drowning for gosh sakes! Rescue me already dang it! What did I need a big neon sign saying save me! Oh not my stomach again I felt it rising dang sea …

_o h h,god..._

I started to heave and cough as my body shock and projected forward ..

_don't let me drown help me..please...[ me]_

_baby I won't your not drowning sweetie wake up.._

Something cool slide over my forehead and I felt a breeze under my shirt wait..it felt like my shirt had come off off..what was going on? That cool thing was now wet and was sliding over my face and upper body my breathing was erratic and shaky …

The water rushed over me I was coughing and gasping trying desperately to wave someone down but none would stop the water rushed over my face stinging my eyes and burning my throat..I felt myself going under as the water clogged me my eyes rolled back the last thing I saw before blackness descending on me was the flash of long raven hair and Mandy telling me to hold on..so I did..

Voices filled the air as I struggled against the urge to stay asleep..

_she seems to be waking up [Brandi]_

_her fever's down 101.1 [Mom]_

_she's moaning mom [Brandi]_

_My legs are asleep is her breathing normal I can't feel anything [ Mandy]_

_Yea she's okay her head's rolling can't u feel that? [Brandi]_

_nothing they fell asleep awhile ago after the pain subsided [Mandy]_

_the e m t' s said she'd wake up slow give her time..[ mom]_

_Mandy try rubbing your legs slow in circular motions you have to get the blood flowing_

_in to them...[mom]_

_keep stroking her face Mandy she seems to respond..[mom]_

_I will momma [ Mandy]_

_shh baby settle down ...[ Mandy]_

Something slide over my face and stayed there it was dry but it brought me comfort.

_How is she? [dad]_

_She's doing better Billy [mom]_

_fever's down she still hasn't woken up yet though_

_give her time Miley's always done things in her own time_

_ain't that right baby girl? You'll wake up when your_

_good n ready and not before [dad]_

_here let me take over Manderz [dad]_

_thanks...[ Mandy]_

I was back in that ocean again and everything was dark ,cold..so cold..was this what it felt like to die? Alone and cold..was this how it was after wards? Alone in a grave cold and numb? Did u feel anything at all? Or was it just complete numbness? After all death was the end all of all end alls..I was struggling but slowly coming to the realization that it was futile nothing was going to save me... then just as I started to surrender sunlight broke through I saw the top and I started to swim no fly towards it praying like mad that someone would help me and see me...rescue me ...suddenly the light poured through me..

_miles thank god...[ Brandi]_

_o h h h...[me]_

_shh baby don't talk..just rest.._

A hand blocked my eyes as I squinted from the onrush of sudden light .I moaned more as everything started to come into focus..I was so not ready to wake up not at all...

_what happened? [me]_

_bud just rest u don't have to talk will explain everything to you when your ready [dad]_

_daddy? [me in a small voice]_

_yes darlin your momma called me when I was on stage[dad]_

_you came home? [ me]_

_of course I did lil buddy your my baby girl [dad]_

_and you'll be just fine _

I felt his hand slide over my face and his lips slowly kiss my head a feeling of peace came over me as I settled back down closing my eyes again.

When I woke up again I saw around me Mandy was asleep in a very awkward position my head was still in her lap as the rest of me was curled up on my bed covered in a horse blanket and she was sprawled out her left side twisted cross her right her back up towards me her right arm cross her left side how the heck was she even comfortable? Brandi was squashed in a reclining chair , I tried to move but everything started to spin..my stomach protested loudly..making me feel queasy..I coughed to clear my throat which burned

_miles your awake thank god! [Brandi]_

_mom! Momma! Mommy!_

_Baby what is it? [ mom]_

_the brats awake..[Brandi]_

_hey.....[me]_

She shoved me a bit.

According to my parents I had some kind of reaction from being pulled from the medication suddenly.

The e m t' s didn't feel it was necessary to bring me to the hospital though. they felt I would be fine as long as I was closely monitored. Mandy had found me passed out on the floor of my bathroom after she figured out it was me on the phone she had come and checked on me and altered my parents who had called 911 and got me to my bed. I had been out of it since two days ago, I couldn't believe I had been unconscious for two days! Wow it seemed to be unbelievable that I was out of it for that long I mean that was 2 whole days of my life that I had missed what had gone on since I lost consciousness? Wow it was so unreal, had Mandy missed rehearsals to be with me was her manger Sue going to be mad? What about the other girls? What had I missed? Oh my god the interviews the shoots? It was all too much to think about. I moaned what about Nick what did he think when I passed out at the party god how embarrassing! Nick he brought a smile to my face I wanted to call him but would that be weird? I mean we had broken up and he was with Selena now...maybe it wouldn't be cool heck he prob didn't even want to hear from me...my head was pounding taking deep breaths didn't help so I rolled over and closed my eyes I could hear the water running Mandy must be taking a shower that brought another smile to my lips cause the thought of her naked body made me so hot!

**Nick's pov**

Passed out! Miley had passed out at the party I couldn't stop seeing her face as she came up and her eyes as they rolled back. how was she? Should I call her? Dang it was driving me crazy all I wanted was to be with her tell her .I still cared and that if she needed me I'd be here but who was I kidding? I was the last person she wanted to hear from..I was the jerk who broke her heart who used her and mocked her and dumped her for the next hot thing god I was dumb I had a great girl and I threw her away ..I mean I loved..love Sel but /Miley she had me...in every part..just call her what's the worst that can happen?

_Come on nick u can do this..[me]_

_talking to yourself Nicky bro?[ Joe]_

_u know they say that's the first sign your losing it [ Joe]_

_well u should know u lost it before any of us..[ Kevin]_

_think fast..[ Kevin]_

Kevin threw a orange at Joe who screamed and ducked which made us laugh.

_I'm trying to figure out if I should call her..[me]_

_can't hurt..I mean you've been getting along lately..[ Kevin]_

_yea besides she invited us to the party she's forgiven us your just showing concern_

_it's not like your trying to jump her..[ Joe]_

_Real classy Joesph..[Kevin]_

_were all concerned it was scary man she just fainted dead away no warning.[ Kevin]_

_okay yea I think I'll call her [me]_

I was sweating why was I sweating? I mean we've spoken on the phone thousands of times before and I haven't been this nervous in years..so why now? I kept telling myself take a deep breath and just let it happen you'll be fine...1..2..just pick up the phone and dial..3...

Miles p.o.v

Finally a shower it felt amazing Mandy had offered to stay by my side while I took one in case I fainted again..I could hear the dang phone ringing but I couldn't get to it..I was having enough problems getting my shampoo without keeling over...

_I got it sweetie.. [Mandy]_

Mandy came in and took off her robe my eyes bugged out she let a slow smile play on her lips as she brushed her hand over my shoulder and let her touch linger as she carefully placed the shampoo in the palm of my hand and lifted it up so I could wash my hair as she did so my body was forced to move closer to hers .I could feel every curve perfectly. As she pressed me to her her hands moving over my body which trembled at her touch ..

_shh baby what's wrong? [Mandy]_

_not..h ..i.. n g [ Me]_

_then why are u trembling?[Mandy]_

_I don't know...[ Me]_

_aw your so cute..[Mandy]_

_thanks [Me]_

_shh.._

Without another word she kissed me deep and pushed me against the wall. My arms wrapped around her shoulders as our kiss deepened. She smelled amazing like tropical fruit and beaches ...her kiss left me breathless and begging for more the feel of her lips so soft and fruity as they connected with my dry chapped lips...making me feel ..alive and needing her more..I felt her chest rise and fall her breasts pressed against mine warm and plumb without even thinking I moved my left hand to close around her breast she moaned as my fingers played with each nipple making her giggle. Our kiss never broke as she lowered me to the tub floor and laid on top of me..I took her in dang I was lucky Mandy was amazing her long lean body was so toned from hours of rehearsing her breasts were huge...guys everywhere want her ..and I have her...brushing back her long raven hair I planted a trail of kisses along her neck making her moan and squeal as I started to suck on her collar bone and let my tongue linger on a spot just above her collar bone my lips nibbled on it making her moan and squirm on top of me moaning..

_oh my god! Miles baby.._

_oh my god..please don't stop!_

_Oh my..damn you feel so amazing.._

_oh this is heaven. ah oh my oh!_

My left hand startedto run down her leg as she started to lose her balance and slide further on top of me neither one of us minded much though as she completely pressed her body on top of mine and my hand found a new place to play running the course of her leg it settled nicely inside her warm soft private area making her moan as my fingers gently played with her clitoris. I could feel her juices start to flow as she moaned then I felt her fingers start to run over my nipples she broke the kiss. I was breathing heavy as her lips started to suck on my nipples making me moan her teeth latched on to my nipple. I felt her pulling as her mouth covered me , as she intensified the sucking I moved my fingers inside of her faster and harder making her moans increase louder and faster her breathing became erratic as she tried not to scream. Her effort caused her to bite me harder making me bite my lip as I pressed my fingers in her more feeling her become tighter and the flow in crease her walls closed around me so I worked harder and added more fingers as she groaned finally relaxing and letting out a soft but deep moan and her whole body collapsed on me her juices relished over me. I kissed her and let my tongue lick up the juices while her kisses deepened and made me feel loved and protected.

Laying in bed listening to music with Mandy was the best feeling in the world my head resting on her chest. Slowly I softly sung another song to her that I had written about her , I knew she worried sometimes about our age difference that she was doing to me what all those rumors said she was so I wanted her to know. I didn't feel that way I loved her despite our age difference..that even though I had " trust issues" I loved her I needed her I wanted her...

_You never lied to me not once  
Its not your fault that I can't trust  
Its in my past, it's in _my path_ and I can't go there  
Making a mess out of this game  
To see it all go up in flames  
So tired of being ruthless and wreck less_

Time to be your only one  
To almost be your way too young  
Time to crash into the sun  
Time to be your 21  
Time to dream that love will last  
Time to drive my car too fast  
Time to walk before I run  
Time to be  
Oh, time to be your 21

I don't believe in love_ and I  
I pull it to the wall  
I tasted sweetness there to laugh so hard as it falls  
And I could push you there if you don't stop me  
Push you there if you don't stop me  
Please stop me_

Time to be your only one  
To almost be your way too young  
Time to crash into the sun  
Time to be your 21  
Time to dream that love will last  
Time to drive my car too fast  
Time to walk before I run  
Time to be  
Time to be your 21

It's gut wrenching sometimes  
It's life threatening sometimes  
Seems like nothing can wash it all away

Time to be your only one  
To almost be your way too young  
Time to crash into the sun  
Time to be your 21  
Time to dream that love will last  
Time to drive my car too fast  
Time to walk before I run  
Time to be your 21

Time to be your only one  
To almost be your way too young  
Time to crash into the sun  
Time to be  
Time to be your 21 

She smiled looking up at me and after a few minutes of gazing into each other's eyes she leaned in and kissed me full of passion and promises .. promises I knew she would never break.

A/N lyrics from Time To Be Your 21 by Alex Johnson from the show Instant Star.


	6. Chapter 6 That Girl

_**That girl **_

_Hey! The party can not start without us! [Demi]_

_ah! [ Me]_

_Oh no u 2 did not try to have a party without the party queens! [ Selena]_

I jumped up not a great idea I soon found out as the room span but their arms embracing me was all I needed.

_So what the heck was this crap Miles passing out twice?[ Demi]_

_Are u trying to end up on the next day's headlines?[ Selena]_

_yea fro real child it's a pap's dream to see a star pass out usually means_

_Ed's,drugs ,drinking,[Demi]_

_don't plant any ideas in their heads please~[ Miles]_

_So what happened?[ Demi]_

_Drug reaction my doc pulled me off my meds and my body didn't like it [me]_

_Wow does your doc know what he's doing?[ Demi]_

_Yea sounds kind of dangerous to me baby[ Selena]_

_I'm okay my body's starting to accept it [ me]_

_but don't u need those meds to balance your heart condition?[ Demi]_

_yea their looking into different meds..wow I'm getting ..[ Me]_

_Tired hon?[ Mandy]_

_Yea you would think I wouldn't be since I just slept for days.._

We laughed...Mandy fixed a spot for me to lay back against and covered me

_Maybe you should rest you had a rough few days.._

She giggled and coughed to cover it up I exchanged a small smile with her.

_So what happened at the meeting? [Me]_

_are you sure your up to it? [ Selena]_

_yea course I wanna hear besides all I'm doing is laying here_

_and listening to y'all talk..[ Me]_

_okay true..[ Demi]_

_well MacKenzie was talking about everything_

_sounds like will be counselors in training [Selena]_

_and _

_will be in two's will have _

_a trained counselors who's been there before_

_will be in charge of anywhere from 6 – 12 kids [Demi]_

_they had us put in requests if we wanted to work with_

_younger kids teens or didn't matter_

_yea we put didn't matter for you hope that's okay [ Selena]_

_yea cool I love kids of all ages [Me]_

_did we get to chose who we room with? [ Mandy]_

_nah they left that to chance [Selena]_

_kind of sucks Demi and I wanted to room together [Selena]_

_I can't wait sounds like it's going to be so much fun! [ Me]_

_yea I know three more days! [ Demi]_

_hey at least we are all together! [ Selena]_

_true so true! [ Mandy]_

_what did she say about the competition ? [ Me]_

_not too much she's planning on holding a team meeting the first night at camp_

_where she'll brief us all [Selena]_

_I can't wait sleepovers in each other's rooms_

_ice cream parties..[ Demi]_

_did I hear someone say sleep overs? [ Trace]_

_ah! [ Demi]_

Demi jumped up and ran over to my big brother Trace who hugged her laughing , Demi and Trace had a little on and off again thing going on for 2 months it was kind of cute but I worried if it would last.

_Hey squirt how are you feeling? [Trace]_

_better [ coughing]_

_throat hurts n my heads still light_

_but I'm doing a lot better [ Me]_

He sat by me ruffling my hair

_course u are dang girl you're a Ray were built to last [Trace]_

_rest up child cause I do not want a phone call like that_

_from mom again! U had my heart pounding so bad!_

_Sorry [ Me]_

_u will be if u do it again [ Trace]_

_I'm not scared of u! [ Me]_

_u should be! [ trace]_

_Yea right your a big teddy bear! [Demi]_

_oh you think so huh? I'll show ya...[Trace]_

She squealed as he charged her and scooped her up arms around her waist she pounded on his chest as he tickled her ...then as she was breathing hard he dipped her and kissed her we cheered she turned a bright red and we doubled over laughing.

_Can I join? [ Noah]_

_baby not this time [me]_

_were having a girls night [me]_

_but trace is here? [ Noah]_

_yea and like she said were having a girls night! [ Demi]_

_your mine! [ Trace]_

He chased her out as she squealed Noah crossed her arms pissed and stormed off.

When I finally fell asleep Mandy's arms were wrapped around me it was after 1 am but it felt great to laugh so hard again.

Finally I felt better and the next few days were full of photo shoots interviews and rehearsals. Concerts at night Emily and Mitchel and I were holding a special event at Plant Grove in Holly Wood for Disney to Promote HM it was great to see all our fans there cheering for us being on stage is what I love and it's why I put up with all the lies and controversy to see their smiles and make music...I loved watching Emily up there she had come such a long way since when we first started she was no longer a shy side kick but a girl who was in charge of her own destiny she commanded the stage as she belted out her songs and rocked out with her band members. The fans loved her as well I was so proud and cheered along with Mitchel we pretty much had a cheering contests which amused Em who rolled her eyes as she jumped up

_Who's ready to rock!_

_I can't hear ya!_

She pumped her arms up and motioned for the audience to make more noise so Mitchel and I grabbed hands and ran out Security was hating us at that moment as they screamed chasing us but we dove into the crowd

_Make some noise La for Emily O! [Mitchel]_

_Show our girl who loves her! [Me]_

_Lets go! [both]_

kids were screaming trying to touch us as we ran through laughing and pointing to the stage Em was shocked and had to recover as Security tried to pull us back..but we were too fast as we tore through...one kid reached out

_Miles I love you!_

_Aw your sweet baby thanks [me]_

I reached down and hugged her she was cute pig tails short and a smile so cute it light up her whole face she had on leopard spotted black and blue jeans from my line and a Grey shirt with a black mic...

_Can I have a autograph? [kid]_

_Sure Can I have your name babe?_ [me]

I looked around one of the guards was closing in on me oh oh I thought can't get caught I'll be dead I looked for Mitchel he was holding up a sign saying Emily O's #1 as he danced on a bench and she was laughing trying to control herself on stage and pointing at him as the girls were oohing and screaming trying to reach him as security was getting close to him..no help from him I thought...as I scribbled a signature...

_What's your name sweetie?_

_It's E..._

_Mitchel we love you! Oh my god!_

Their screams were so loud I couldn't hear myself scream as Emily and a group of cheerleaders on stage for her next song started cheering he took it all in and danced dorky..

_M_

_I_

_T_

_C_

_H_

_E_

_L_

_WE GOT HER!_

Crap I thought as I saw security closing in I finished writing

_Sorry I can't hear ya but I have to go thanks for being a fan lov ya [me]_

I handed it to her and narrowly escaped their grip the guard cussed as I ran shoving my way through

_Emily Rules!_

_Love you Emily!_

_Love ya to Miles!_

I ran past Mitchel who was soaking it all up and grabbed him he yelped as I pulled him off the bench

_lets go donut [me]_

_Okay I'm only asking once more _

_who's ready to rock! [Emily]_

The response was overwhelming as everyone started screaming ans clapping pounding their feet and Mitchel and I fell backstage exhausted he laughed hugging me and started tickling me as I busted out rolling on the floor...tears rolled down my face as we stopped and held each other watching her preform...she took a deep breath and held up her fist the band started and she was in full motion..

_**I Hate The Homecoming Queen** :  
Little short skirt with a big attitude  
She wants to be a model, wants to be on the tube  
Yeah, it's one thing or another  
She's trouble trouble  
Watch out, if you're near  
She could bring you to tears  
She's got two boyfriends and three wannabe's  
They follow her around like she's Aphrodite  
She's number one rated but she's already jaded  
She's following the trends in her Mercedes Benz  
Everyone wants to know her name  
Walking down the hall, she's every guy's dream_

I hate the homecoming queen  
I'm pretty damn sure she can't stand me  
She thinks she's on the cover of a magazine  
I hate the homecoming queen tonight, that's right  


_I am so lucky Miles I have the best girlfriend in this_

_world she's pretty sweet and talented and so damn sexy [Mitchel]_

_aw thanks babe but I'm taken maybe later [me]_

I pinched his check he rolled his eyes tickling me again as I tried not to laugh I was sitting in his legs on the floor He was sitting Indian style bent over me..without warning as we both calmed down he kissed my check and slapped my butt

_settle down Ray so we can hear what real talent is take notes_

_she's kicking your butt [Mitchel]_

_yea o-kay loser [me]_

_dream on [me]_

I rolled my eyes and settled tough suddenly feeling exhausted and a pounding headache was starting ..._  
_

_Non-fat, sugar free, mochachini  
She says give it to me now  
You can keep the receipt  
Drinking one after the other  
She's trouble, trouble  
Tossing back her hair and she just don't care  
Everyone wants to play her game  
Walking down the street, she's every guy's dream_

I hate the homecoming queen  
I'm pretty damn sure she can't stand me  
She thinks she's on the cover of a magazine  
I hate the homecoming queen tonight, that's right

She gets everything she asks for  
But she's somehow always wanting more  
Little short skirt with a big attitude  
She wants to be a model, wants to be on the tube  
Yeah, it's one thing or another  
She's trouble, trouble  
Watch out, if you're near  
She could bring you to tears

I hate the homecoming queen  
I'm pretty damn sure she can't stand me  
She thinks she's on the cover of a magazine  
I hate the homecoming queen

I hate the homecoming queen  
I'm pretty damn sure she can't stand me  
She thinks she's on the cover of a magazine  
I hate the homecoming queen tonight  
That's right, yeah yeah 

When it was my turn I was pumped and tried to shake the headache off as I went out em and I slapped hands as we traded places. After I was done we did a meet and greet and some press stuff settling down backstage Emily sat in his lap as they kissed I closed my eyes as we talked about where to grab dinner. They were so cute as a couple but they were keeping it quite.

Mandy was back in her rehearsals but ,we went out for sushi twice and the paparazzi were wild snapping pics and screaming questions out, Mandy and Brandi protected me as much as possible. I answered a few questions and signed autographs for fans took some pics.

Even feeling better though I was exhausted by each night and mom was still worrying about sending me for 12 weeks. I was super stocked though and kept tweeting about it each day I couldn't wait to meet some fans who replied back they would be at camp as well.

The day arrived finally! July 19th we were up at 8am to head to camp. Mom had a heck of a time getting me up but once I was up I was so excited I had never been at a sleep away camp before I was always so busy with my career but now I got to combine both how sweet!

Mandy got there at 10 and it was sheer pandemonium Noah was racing around to get things that she hadn't packed I was still looking for my cell phone charger...Brandi was late she had gone home to her apartment and over slept and had just called saying she was jumping into the shower now and would be here in 20 minutes..

_where's_ _my dang charger? [ Me]_

_probably where u left it last butt hole..[ Brasion]_

_shut up jerk face I left it by the cabinet I know I was charging it yesterday! [ me]_

_no u weren't mom was charging hers there u took it with u up to your pig stein [Brasion]_

_mom tell me again why didn't u stop at me? Seriously did u need another kid? [me]_

_wasn't perfection enough I mean did u really expect to repeat? _

_U had to know something would _

_go extremely wrong [ me]_

_Loser [ Brasion]_

_at least I don't smell [ Me]_

_You just suck..[ Brasion]_

_mommy where are my flip-flops! [ Noah]_

_you have to go girls Mandy's waiting [mom]_

_Noah look in the hall closet _

_I did mommy there not there [Noah]_

_did you lift stuff up cuz lord knows your dad and sis aren't going to do it [ Mom]_

_we can't go mom Brandi's late! [ Noah]_

_well hurry up as soon as she gets here u need to go [Mom]_

_where is my charger! [me]_

_up your butt [ Brasion]_

I slapped his head he pushed me and we started to struggle dang he's strong he pinned me against the wall as I tried to trip him but he pinned my legs twisting them I cried out as I tried to pull his hair we were both grunting as we slammed into walls and counter tops yelling at each other Mandy shock her head..

Noah p o v

As this was going on the phone was ringing like crazy checking the ID, I saw it was Nick still pissed at her I decided to have a little fun..

_Hello?[Me]_

_Noah? [Nick]_

_Ye s s s that's me! [me]_

_hey it's me ...[ nick]_

_who's me? [ Noah]_

_Nick ..[Nick]_

_oh douse bag gutter slime puke chunk jerk off [Noah]_

_huh? [nick]_

_she never wants to see u again [ Noah]_

_what did I do? [nick]_

_you know what u did...[Noah]_

_Noah lets go! [mom]_

I hung up smiling I knew he would be so confused but knowing Nick he would charge right over to find out what was wrong and she would get in trouble cause we'd be later...

Miley's p o v

_Enough both of you Miles here's your charger Brasion let go of your sister_

_NOW! Both of u listen to me! [mom]_

We let go fast as she came up glaring

_Brasion say good-bye to your sister..[mom]_

_bye loser hope u break a leg and a arm and a neck [Brasion]_

He ran past and grabbed me into a head lock smoothing my hair_ ._I cried out he laughed as mom yelled after him. Mandy came over and fixed it as mom handed Noah her flip-flops.

_Darlin' are you sure your fittin' to go? [mom]_

_yes momma I feel fine [me]_

_are you positive? No tummy aches no headaches?_

She came over feeling my head and grabbed the digital thermometer

_Mom! I'm fine![me]_

_baby I will not take any chances your my lil girl I want to make sure [mom]_

_don't groan at me someday you'll have kids _

_and their get sick and you'll be the one_

_fussin' [mom]_

_what no comeback?[mom]_

_I'm thinking bout it but I don't want it rubbed in my face ten years from now [me]_

_10? darlin it'll be at least another 20 before_

_I let a boy anywhere near ya [dad]_

_dad! [me]_

_I'll be 35 at least! [me]_

_wait? Only 35 oh wow bud make _

_that another 30 years [dad]_

_oh my gosh no way stop daddy![me]_

_what u don't like your old man's theory?[dad]_

He started to tickle me as mom pulled out the thermometer

_ninety-nine .two maybe I should take it again [mom]_

_**no**__![me]_

_baby I ..sorry miles [mom]_

_It's okay momma I know your worried but I'm fine![me]_

I went over and hugged her hard trying to hold back the tears could I really be apart from her for two months? Yawing Mandy came over throwing her arms over my shoulders,

_don't worry momma I'll take care of her [ Mandy]_

_oh honey I know..you better take care of her cause if not your momma_

_is going to be missing her baby girl real hard..[mom]_

Mandy looked nervous like was she kidding? She backed up a bit holding onto me tighter we laughed

_kidding [mom]_

_oh yea I knew that [ Mandy]_

_sure u did...[me]_

_I did really! [Mandy]_

Brandi finally breezed in at 10:35 and we did a final hug good-bye mom was crying of course and giving Mandy last minute instructions. Brandi had to roll her eyes but she told mom she would make sure I was on my best behavior.

_Don't let her drive either one of u! [dad]_

We got on the road and blasted the music I loved the feeling of the wind ripping through my hair

_I can't believe I'm not allowed to even practice driving! _

_How do they expect me to learn! [me]_

_stop groaning Miles it's a 3 hr drive I do not want to hear u whine! [Brandi]_

_bite me..[me]_

_where left , right? [ Brandi]_

_Front back?[ Brandi]_

_sick-o [me]_

_u told me 2! [Brandi]_

As we rounded the corner Noah kept looking back like she was expecting someone to follow. I saw buildings whiz by city lights turned to mountains upon mountains...the light faded as clouds nestled into the sky looking back I saw Noah had given up looking worried but I handed to her her DS2 and she was content .I leaned back as Brandi and Mandy chatted about Brandi's boyfriend Sam's band...before I knew it I was being shaken awake.

Looking around I was shocked we had made it here already stretching out I yawned and got out..breathtaking was the only word...all around me mountain tops sparkled from a light rain and birds chirped quietly before us stood a impressive 20 story building ranch style the glass casted a gleam from fading sunlight. It was still semi-quite with the faint sounds of squealing but I knew that wouldn't last cars were pulling up and driving away...Brandi grabbed both our heavy bags telling me to grab the smaller ones... a volunteer came out smiling..

_hi my name is Delgado may I take your bags?_

_Sure thanks that would help us out so much [Brandi]_

_where do we go? [ Mandy]_

_I'll show u ladies right this way [Delgado]_

Effortlessly the boy who had to be about my age picked up the bags placing them on a cart and pulling it inside the lobby was full of people mingling a small fireplace was going as waiters came around with water and soda's ...I saw Debby from The suit life on deck talking to David from Wizards sitting on a couch. Delgado parked the cart by a stand and motioned for us to follow him just as David seem to notice us and came over..

_Hey miles so glad u could make it! [David]_

_thanks glad I made it to wow u built up more! [me]_

_yea well u know I've been trying! [David]_

_so who did u get paired with? [Mandy]_

_Oh I got Dylan and this great counselor named Jeff McKenzie [David]_

_do u know how many kids your getting? [Brandi]_

_nah will find out at the meeting 2nite..[ David]_

_sweet are Selena and Demi here yet?_

_Yea upstairs they got separated from each other [David]_

_so their having a cry fest uh..[David]_

He rolled his eyes and exasperated we laughed but I was secretly worried they'd split me and Mandy up. Delgado showed us to the desk and nodded as he went to wait on the side we thanked him..

_hi welcome to Camp N' ill [clerk]_

_may I have your names?_

_Brandi and Miley Ray_

_Mandy J_

_oh yes right here room 303 and 305 [clerk]_

_thanks _

_uh huh Delgado will show u up there_

That had to be good we were next to each other right? We went to a elevator and went up 3rd fl not bad either this place was huge for a camp. Looking around I saw every floor had a different theme as well music played from speakers but a lot of floors had music of every kind blasting from open doors as counselors reunited after a year apart squealing and laughing filled the air. Doors being opened and slammed. .The elevator dinged and we got out for the first time I noticed the air condition and realized I was freaking hot so I unbuttoned a few buttons which caused Mandy to pinch my butt I bit my lip so I wouldn't squeak out in pain. She was grinning knowing she got me as he opened the door for us and the sounds of arguing filled the air...

_he's being impossible though _ _Katie!_

_I mean for gosh sakes I haven't neglected my health in oh my god_

_like 10 years yea I had a few set backs.._

_a few set backs! Lacey u ended up in a coma last year!_

Two girls were standing there going back and forth one was tall and lean with a athletic built she had on tight jean shorts and her tanned muscular legs looked amazing , she had on a tight Grey and red tank top saying university of Arizona her long chestnut hair was tied back in a ponytail and she had on a baseball cap, standing with her left side turned to us she was staring daggers at the other girl who stood nose to nose with her but they looked total opposites this girl was dressed like the models in the billboards she was just as tall and sexy but not as built she looked too thin her pale skin was highlighted to look natural by makeup tricks ,I knew all too well she had shiny platinum blond hair with golden highlights her sun dress was one of this new seasons Vera Wang's...her shoes from Jimmy Chao's... she flicked back her hair as she went head to head with her eyes glaring voice low

_Not my fault! [ Blond girl]_

_Uh you starved yourself u took pills [ brown haired girl]_

_I had to lose weight! I didn't mean for it to get out of control [ Blond girl]_

_I didn't know those pills would cause all those..._

_oh hi wow [ Brown haired girl]_

_I'm sorry we didn't see you there..I'm Katie O'Roark_

The one with a ponytail came over and held out her hand grinning

_sorry were just having a little disagreement right Lace?_

_Yes whatever u say Captain Katie..hi I'm_

_Lacey Duval..._

The blond one came over and held out her hand she smelled of the best perfume but I couldn't pin point it..

_u went to Arizona? [Mandy]_

_yea for track and field two years then I switched to_

_university of Michigan [ Katie]_

_sweet I'm from Arizona [ Mandy]_

_awesome you must be Mandy?[ Katie]_

At the mention of Mandy's name Lacey staggered back a bit she grew quite as if she was shocked

_u okay_? [me]

_yes sorry...[ _we laughed]

_Well u know me now and to my right is Brandi and my left Miles [ Mandy]_

_nice to meet you miles and Mandy you'll be with me _

_I'm going to be your counselor [Katie]_

_Brandi your in 305 next door with Lacey here_

_sweet nice to meet you [ Brandi]_

_oh no this can't be right..[ Lacey]_

_huh? [Brandi]_

Brandi looked worried I went over and hugged her

_your too pretty I told them only _

_one pretty person in a room! [Lacey]_

_man now I won't shine! _

We started to laugh when we saw she was kidding and Brandi relaxed Delgado brought our stuff in and winked at me. I found myself blushing and Mandy eying me I shrugged. After we were alone we chose our beds Katie had already chosen the one in the middle on the left side , it was a sweet room drenched in Tye dye colors deep purple shades and blues with splashes of pink, yellow, oranges ,green,red.. peace signs in the middle ..the carpet was fuzzy purple so soft I had to take my shoes off and let myself sink into it giggling

_Feels nice huh? When I got here Saturday_

_I literally just laid down and collapsed in it getting lost [Katie]_

The space was amazing when u walked in it was like a mini hallway with one table then like 5 feet in was a bathroom giant size tub that you could fit 3 r 4 people in it a sink with a big marble counter and dressing room mirror. Then when u came out and went around a corner against the wall was a black bunk bed with the bottom half as a futon a dresser then there was Katie's bed another dresser and two more bunk beds spaced out about 3 r 4 feet for personal space there were a row of windows on the back wall overlooking an amazing pool and mini water park a gorgeous mountain view...the other side had a queen sized bed and then 3 more bunk beds plus 3 more dressers...Mandy and I looked at each other and grinned

_can we get the queen sized?_

_Course [Katie]_

_sweet! [both of us ]_

We did high five's then scouted the rest of the room there was a mini room after the bedroom with 6 desks each had a laptop on them then a TV with a d v d player, 4 couches and a state of the art stereo. Then there was a door connecting to 305.

_wow do all the rooms look like this? [Mandy]_

_same idea different designing and layouts some have normal beds_

_some hold more kids we have the capacity to hold 10 not including our beds [ Katie]_

_some hold 12 to 16_

_wow [ Me]_

_yea those rooms have 2 full time counselors and two trainees_

_some like Lacey's hold less cause they get more special need kids_

_she has room for 6 kids_

_it don't mean the room will be full either it demands how many campers come_

_were expecting a full load this time but usually we get half [ Katie]_

_how long have you been coming here? [Mandy]_

_since I was in collage out here [ Katie]_

_I have to go to a meeting with Mac so why don't u 2 get settled in here_

_she wants to hold a meeting in 2 hours for all the new counselors [ Katie]_

_if u need anything Lacey is next door.._

_thanks Katie [me]_

_sure no prob take your time_

After she left we made quick work of using one dresser for all our stuff we just mixed our clothes together since we borrow each other's outfits all the time anyway. Then we set out our perfumes and hair sprays and lotions our makeup stayed in a travel bag. when we were done we collapsed on the bed and and sighed laying my head down on her chest I looked around noticing the celling for the first time it was black with gold stars that glittered and shone bright …

_Wow Manderz look at that it's awesome!_

_Man I love this room! [me]_

_yea it's very cool cozy to not all cramped like I was 'fraid of_

_think will have a great time here miles [Mandy]_

_yea but u know..._

I looked around grinning

_right now it's quite and were alone.._

I lifted myself up to look at herletting my hand travel up to her chest fooling around with her draw string from her sweatshirt..she got my line of thinking and grinned..

_I know just how u want to have a great time right now [Mandy]_

_and u disagree? [me]_

_not at all..in fact Mandy likey but wait miss . Hormones _

She reached over and turned on our i-pod speakers and selected a song called Innocent by Our Lady Peace. I smiled and pulled her on top of me she responded by wrapping her arms around me and leaning into kiss me with such passion and force it left me breathless our lips played with each others and our hands wondered freely over each others bodies my fingers latched onto her soft skin like a baby attaches it's self to it's moms breasts...she moaned softly as I explored her sliding my fingers over her fast hardening nipples...her left hand held my head from behind as her right hand ran up my legs and in between making me moan softly and her lips quickly silenced my oncoming moans as she crashed them into mine ,somehow we rolled so I was on top of her she slide my shirt off causing me to moan and become excited as I thought of what was to come...my bra was the next to come off as she kissed each nipple letting her tongue roll over each and slowly start to suck making my entire body inside come alive with fire jealous that she got to see more of me then I was of her .I made no delays in getting off her sweat shirt and her tight black gold cross shirt not that I didn't enjoy how it clung to her firm breasts but I wanted to see her breasts more .. lifting her arms up as she deepened the kiss she helped me in getting off her shirt...as our moans filled each others mouths our hands kept exploring each others bodies my fingers slide inside her private causing her to moan deeper and kiss harder her teeth biting down on my lips in a effort not to scream out as her juices flowed all over my fingers making them sticky I could feel her breathing go from normal to fast to erratic to deeply trying to control and finally staggered as she gasped and collapsed on me …

_oh my god Miles you..that..uh...oh..wow [Mandy]_

_did I make you happy? [me]_

_oh..heck..wow...[Mandy]_

She couldn't even catch her breath long enough to answer so I laughed and kissed her she tasted so sweet so delicious .I wanted more and more pulling her close I felt her body warmth flood over me and instantly warm me. Dizzy with happiness I laid on top of her chest she kissed my head chuckling softly running her hands over my bare shoulders..I felt safe and protected and loved and had no problem falling asleep in her arms...as words from a song on her i-pod played

_I'm _the smoke_ from your fire  
I'm that guy you can trust  
I'm a chord on your guitar  
I'm that girl you can't shut up  
I'm the blood you might need  
In _your car_ when you speed  
In that cigarette you breathe  
you can't get _rid of me


	7. Chapter 7 Eyes Of An Angel

**Eyes of An Angel**

Brandi's p o v

_Wow they like their music loud [Lacey]_

_people said I was bad glad I found someone worse_

_sweet I have to gloat to Katie about this![Lacey]_

_Uh no u can't [ Brandi]_

_why? [Lacey]_

_I uh think I heard her leave [Brandi]_

I was straight up lying I had no idea if she left or not but I knew she had to be occupied Mandy only puts on the music when her and miles want alone time..if anyone knew their secret her career could be ruined..

_Well she dose have a meeting I better_

_check to see if they need anything [Lacey]_

_oh no their fine..[ Brandi]_

_how do u know? [Lacey]_

_it's a sister thing believe me _

_she's very good at yelling for me.._

_o-k a y if u say so but your taking Katie's wrath..[Lacey]_

_no prob why don't we play a game..[Brandi]_

_okay cards? [Lacey]_

_yea sure sounds good..[Brandi]_

Whew dodged that one but they were going to have to be so cautiousit was scary..

Miley's p o v

_Wakie! Wakie![Mandy]_

_oh no not now [me]_

_yes now baby u want a shower so get up [ Mandy]_

_fine but Miles is not liking this.._

I did not want to get up and leave her arms but she made me ..the warm water covered my body and made the shivering stop I let it linger on me as I soaped myself up and closed my eyes imaging her hands caressing me.

When she went to shower I took the opportunity to look through tour pics of us and smiled remembering all the times we shared I missed touring it was going to be so strange in September when I went on my 3rd tour and she wasn't there. Still I was so excited it was going to be amazing! Somehow I fell asleep again..

When I woke up Mandy was blow drying her hair Katie was going through her bags I yawned and stretched out.

_Hey sleepy head...[Katie]_

_hey_ _wow how_ _long was I out for? [me]_

_about two hours we have a meeting in 15 minutes [Katie]_

_okay [me]_

I stretched and yawned again why was I so dang tired? All I did was sleep lately and still I felt drained.

Rustling through the dresser I picked out a long sleeved black stretch top with a gold dollar sign on the back Mandy's but oh well I had no energy to search for something else so I grabbed a pair of black jean shorts and threw them on brushing my hair yawing again..

_u need more sleep child [ Katie]_

_she sleeps all day don't let her fool you [ Mandy]_

_the trip wore her out [ Mandy]_

_something wore me out all right..[me]_

_shut up..[Mandy]_

_huh? [Katie]_

_nothing..[me]_

_I'm ready[me]_

Mandy looked amazing in a pair of ripped blue jeans that clung to her perfectly and a stripped back and white top which clung to her amazing upper body in all the right places. Her long shiny hair was wavy and flowed down her back she added a black jazz hat.

We met up with Lacey and Brandi outside the rooms as we went to the meeting .I was pumped up now music poured out from open rooms and I found myself dancing as we went down the hall causing them to laugh. The meeting was being held in a conference room on the opposite end of the building as we came out of the elevator. I heard The sounds of others filling the air we went through the lobby which was now empty .I got a good look at it couches were scattered through out palm trees decorated the atmosphere the roof was about 30 ft high and had a huge glass sunroof stucco roofing was made of brick color. There were two fire places a big one against the back wall which had a huge sitting area with couches and reclining chairs tables with magazines and books on them. You could see up the rest of the 20 floors as the balconies overlooked the lobby gold and sliver elevators were in the back giving out soft dings as they came and went. The lobby lead to different conjoined rooms including on the right side a huge 500 ft game room with all the latest arcade games pool tables D D R mats chest and checkers tables ping-pong tables. There was another room for the staff to chill out in with their own kitchen ..we went to the left where there were double French style glass doors with gold star handles they were left open now so we went through a long hall which looked like a agency hallway would pictures of kids filled the hallway including Mac and her friends. I saw my pic and groaned Mandy laughed shoving me then squealed when she saw TBA pic. I rolled my eyes shoving her..a desk for the receptionist sat empty since it was late Saturday..we followed the sounds of laughter and squeals till we got to the room which was left open all the way at the end after 3 long rows of offices and cubicles.

I squealed as I saw Selena and Demi and ran over to them we started to chat excitedly. Katie hugged the girl by Selena she was shorter with curly red hair and freckles ivory peach skin she was muscular but not like Katie just fit. She was laughing at whatever Katie said as she hugged Lacey who after hugging her went over to a tall skinny blond hair guy holding the cutest little boy..she kissed him and picked up the boy who squealed reaching out for her she put her mouth to his stomach and blew he laughed. Katie sat down as two kids ran over to her yelling happily but their sounds were cut off as a whistle filled the air and I saw everyone sit suddenly and grow quite. So we did the same as Mac came up I hadn't seen her in awhile with both our lives being so busy but wow I was shocked she had grown up to be so gorgeous breathtaking..hard to believe she was only 16 like me..she smiled at us and tossed her curly blond hair over her shoulder as went to the front she had on a pale blue cardigan and tight black skinny jeans with tiny diamonds glittering from them yes real ones..hand sewed custom made for her by one of the top designers in the industry ..

I was anxious to find out what was going to happen who I would be assigned. So I made myself stay quite not an easy thing for me since I'm hyper she cleared her throat and started..her voice always sounds like music to me she has the softest tone but makes her point her Irish accent makes every word sound like a song..

_He'll o I want to first say a big huge thank you to all of you_

_for taking the time out of your busy lives to come here for these two months _

_I know you all had a million things that u had to put on hold to be here so again thank u so much_

_for those who don't know me and came here_

_from recommendation let me introduce myself_

_my name is MacKenzie____Saoirse_ _ Star Shannan I'm 16_

_everybody basically calls me Mac or K-Rock_

_I'm the creator and owner and co-manger of camp N' ill_

_which stands for No Illusions_

_N ' ill is a camp for kids who have a passion for the preforming arts _

_we have state of the arts studios for dance theater_

_music all our instructors are highly trained and personal _

_many preform in the industry in west end _

_or t v many are teachers in La_

_our campers get the very best education in the arts _

_and have many opportunity to presume their _

_talents in the world but we've come into some finical_

_problems recently due in major part to my own family_

_for those who don't know I'll give u a brief history.._

I could see how painful it was for her to talk about this so my heart went out to her as she began to tell the story her soft bright green/blue eyes showed her emotions...

_Well as you already know I'm 16_

_I was born in Co. Cork Ireland in 1992_

_my Mam [ Irish word for mom]_

_was the super model / actress_

_Saoirse Emma Shannan she had been modeling since she was_

_2 ..she was born to her mam Keavy Sinead McKelly _

_and her da' [ Irish for dad] _

_Paddy Shannan in a little fishing county where they owned a _

_restaurant/hotel mama would help out with her _

_3 brothers and 2 sisters by setting tables and filling _

_waters and showing costumers to their rooms _

_there was a band that played every night and mam _

_would run on stage every night and take over _

_the mic making the costumes laugh _

_clap and dance she had a talent since she was very young _

_but no money to pro sue it so she relied on lessons from_

_local people she was discovered when she was 2 _

_by a talent agent from the U S A who convinced her to do _

_local advertisements she became a sensation in the UK and_

_kept modeling as she grew she saved the money she_

_made and used only a portion of it to pay for dance_

_lessons she took every kind ballet, jazz ,tap, _

_Irish she became a dance champion _

_when she was 16 she moved to New York to start her _

_career she got offers to do movies and recored Cd's.._

_when she was 22 she had my older sisters Karrie Ainu _

_and Dana Ainu she struggled to raise two kids in a city_

_plus hold down a full time career she shared a apartment _

_with two other models who she fought with constantly_

_who tried to sabotage her career but she fought through them_

_and made it to the top starting in a small budget _

_Hollywood movie she made enough to move her and my sisters _

_out here to La where she met a old friend Shaun from Ireland_

_things changed for her she got a part in a TV show about _

_4 women who are trying to make it in La as singers and_

_actresses it was called La Fame she became friends _

_with her co-stars Angel and Shawn, Destiny who were_

_also from Ireland and they got a house together they did_

_everything together and helped her to raise her _

_girls the show became a instant hit and soon they were _

_recognized everywhere she and Destiny both started to _

_date their boyfriends Shaun and Greg and after a year_

_they both got married in a double ceremony in a huge _

_Hollywood wedding then became pregnant at the_

_same time nine months later Destiny and Mam gave birth_

_Mam had me and my brother Shane Markus &Destiny_

_had her son Rian Cole, From the moment I was born _

_though their were problems I got a small cut from _

_delivery that wouldn't heal and had to be given _

_a drug called factor which did help me clot _

_but I needed transfusions to heal..after a bunch _

_of testings they discovered I was anemic..._

_but after months of iron supplements and _

_monitoring it wasn't helping plus_

_I was losing weight and started_

_to bruise easily run high fevers mam took me to_

_a specialist and they did blood work and more testings and I was diagnosed with AML _

_or Acute Myelogenous leukemia because I was so young treatment was difficult ._

_I was hospitalized repeatedly and poked and_

_prodded and given medication that made me very_

_ill and very tired I had two bone marrow transplants_

_and was in pain and confused but my mam never_

_gave up hope on me. she made sure I had the_

_best doctors and options possible. I went into _

_remission when I was 3and a half. what kept_

_me going was my family , My Aunt Destiny was _

_amazing full of hope and love and music she trained _

_us from the time we were born piano , drums _

_[mam loved her for that one!] _

_,fiddle,__Bodhráns,_

_Guitar,how to read scripts how to audition ._

_.Me and Rian and Shane never had a dull _

_moment When we were one Angel also had_

_a baby girl who she named Alexia Raven one _

_thing besides family that was important _

_was our heritage while we were born in _

_Dublin we lived mainly in La but Dublin _

_was our second home and I loved to go there to _

_see extended family to run in the fields to hear_

_the music and just live a more peaceful life._

_We had the best of both worlds from the time _

_we could walk and talk we were in every kind of class possible_

_dad was a notable producer as well so we had the best education in the_

_biz as u could get after 6 years the show was still a hit and by then myself _

_Shane ,Alexia,Rian had been guest staring in it since we were born _

_Mam , Angel Shawn and Destiny even started to preform as a group _

_and recored CD's and Tour but after awhile Angel wanted more _

_so she tried to stake out on her own she got involved with _

_A producer who promised her the world of fame and fortune _

_without having to share it the main prob was that he was a alcoholic _

_who tried to control her and when she wouldn't listen he'd beat her_

_he forced her into prostitution she tried to get out but he _

_started to abuse her more threaten Alexia it was scary _

_as hell to see someone who had been so strong _

_suddenly succumb to someone who could be controlled _

_with lies like "I love u" and "it's your fault " she tried _

_to get away but he took things to far he caught_

_her in a bar drunk flirting and became jealous and angry_

_he grabbed her and dragged her out and beat her nearly_

_to death he forced her into the car but he _

_was too drunk to drive and crashed into a guard rail _

_..Mam was the one who had to identify her body_

_I never saw my mam cry till that day it's amazing _

_what the power of death can do to someone mam _

_wondered how they could sever someone so young _

_Angel was only 20 ,to commemorate Angel's passing_

_the executive producer asked Mam, Destiny and Shawn _

_to do a song for an episode but the girls found it really_

_hard to do a song so soon and kept breaking down _

_during it ...we meaning myself, Shane and Rian and Alexia _

_were in the studio at the time and we knew the song so_

_well we just kept singing it when they would mess up _

_and the producer Dallas Austin thought we sounded_

_really cute and asked us to step into the booth and _

_do it so we did and he ended up mixing _

_our vocals with our mam's the song became a hit!_

I could hear that song in my head and grinned rocking out to the beat it was dope...

_**Eyes of an angel…**_

_**Tell me when you looked into her eyes**_

_**What did you see?**_

_**Did you really think this child was old enough?**_

_**I still remember the days the words that they said**_

_**When they knocked on my door that late night**_

_**Chorus**_

_**Eyes of an angel**_

_**Eyes of an angel..**_

_**Eyes of an angel**_

"_**God called another Angel"**_

_**Home to rest in peace**_

_**Looking at you damn baby**_

_**You just looked like you were asleep**_

_**So peaceful you in a land**_

_**Of peace and harmony**_

_**/away from tears and fears**_

_**Closed the casket now the questions begin**_

_**/how could he do this to someone so sweet?**_

_**Who gave him the right?**_

_**To put his hands to your pretty face?**_

_**Place his markings on your body?**_

_**When I think of how you suffered darling**_

_**No words can express our rage**_

_**It wasn't fair it wasn't right**_

_**So young so sweet **_

_**Angel you had so many dreams**_

_**Ripped to shreds**_

_**Hollywood called your name and you ran**_

_**Chasing dreams of glamor and**_

_**Fame**_

_**What you found is the reality behind**_

_**the pretty illusions shown on TV**_

_**I wish I could bring you back to me protect**_

_**you from the monster who stole you **_

_**From this world**_

_**If you are hearing this please**_

_**Listen closely**_

_**It's not right **_

_**It's not fair**_

_**She was only 20**_

_**She shouldn't of left yet**_

_**So many dreams left unfulfilled**_

_**We will remember you forever our dear sweet**_

_**Angel**_

_**Eyes of an angel**_

_**Set to rest May 25th 1998**_

_**Fly free**_

_**I hope your at peace**_

_**I know You'll be here with us**_

_**Forever you remain in our hearts**_

_**She had the smile that melted ice**_

_**Could sweet talk with **_

_**Charm so sweet it was like sugar**_

_**Dripping from her veins**_

_**Devotion and loyalty**_

_**Eyes of an angel**_

_**Beauty and talent **_

_**Never to shine cause the light was**_

_**Sucked right out of **_

_**The Eyes of an Angel**_

_**Who now looks down on us**_

_**I still see your smile**_

_**I hear your laughter**_

_**It's memories are bitter sweet**_

_**I hear you telling me**_

_**I'm okay I'm at peace**_

_**every time our new little **_

_**Angel smiles up at me**_

_**Eyes of an Angel**_

_**So bright **_

_**Full of new life**_

_**I'll pass on my wisdom**_

_**In her light**_

_**Please treat her right**_

_**Protect her from the monster**_

_**In the night**_

_**She'll have dreams and visions**_

_**Of bright lights make them shine just right**_

_**God protect her **_

_**Eyes of an Angel**_

_**Bring peace to those suffering**_

_**Please don't put your hands to her **_

_**Keep her smile sweet **_

_**How can you look into her eyes and not see**_

_**Eyes of an Angel**_

_**Dreams only yet to began**_

_**Set them free**_

_**When the time has come **_

_**Memories she never had will be her guide**_

_**I'll see her to the light**_

_**From one angel to another**_

_**Tell me when you look in her eyes**_

_**What do you see?**_

_**Who do you see?**_

_**What gives you the right to decided her fate?**_

_**Let her be **_

_**Free to dream**_

_**Free to live**_

_**Give her the chance to fulfill **_

_**Dreams ripped to shreds**_

_**So the world will one day Remember me**_

_**And hear my name and **_

_**Think of this song**_

_**Remember what was forgotten**_

_**Life so precious**_

_**Stolen from me**_

_**Think before you hit**_

_**Think before you drink**_

_**Remember what he didn't**_

_**Remember I'll be watching**_

_**You may never know it**_

_**But I'm the one looking down at you**_

_**I'm the smile in the baby's eyes**_

_**Eyes of an angel**_

_**I'm an angel**_

A/N Eyes of an Angel Is song of my originals please do not steal the other songs belong to Instant Star.


	8. Chapter 8 Surpise

**Surprise **

I stopped thinking about the song and listened to what she was saying

_To say it was emotional was a understatement _

_cause she was a aunt and a mam to us and we_

_missed her even though we were only 6 or 7 we _

_knew what her loss meant. The song however _

_launched our career's and we started to tour _

_and train to be part of a new recored label called _

_Destiny's yes run by our aunt or mama in Rian's_

_case Destiny ,long story short we became famous _

_very young and started making money which was _

_awesome we didn't go to school we had a on set_

_touter which I'm sure most of u are familiar with_

_we rehearsed every day went to the studio to work _

_on laying down tracks and work on choreograph.._

_it was a strange but amazing way to grow up over _

_the years ,I had two bone marrow transplants and _

_was in remission twice but the cancer kept coming_

_back still I never quit preforming it was what kept _

_me going since my parents had started fighting like  
crazy dad' left when I was in my second remission_

_and never came back mam threw herself into our_

_careers and was with us when we would tour it_

_was strange every time I got sick I was in a different_

_hospital the only one with me during all of _

_it was Rian he was 5 he was diagnosed with a_

_lung deviancy called Cystic Fibrosis and had _

_spent many days weeks even months in the hospital_

_as well we battled it together... when we were in _

_Lancaster Pa for a show I fell ill again and had _

_to be hospitalized I ended up with a roommate _

_as far different as we could ever be her name is_

_Zoey Megan Longshoreman and she had _

_Acute Lymphocytic leukemia there was a major_

_difference though in how we were treated _

_I was from a very rich family who could afford _

_the best treatment money could buy Zoe was _

_Amish and her family did not believe in medical treatment _

_in their world if god gave a disease it was meant _

_to be and if old order traditional treatment didn't work then shall be it death was _

_the hand that was dealt and the chosen shall be returned to the almighty _

_Zoe was almost 13 and she knew there was more choices _

_she wanted to live and we had been friends for_

_a few weeks when she was given her news she _

_asked me to help her she wanted to run away_

_and hire a lawyer to get medical rights to her body.._

_in Amish families if u do something shameful _

_such as rejecting what the traditions say u_

_are shunned in her parents case they are old_

_order and followed it to the max they disowned _

_her and she was left homeless and penniless so we took her in and the fight began_

_Zoe did win the rights to make her own decisions _

_and she got better but it took time and cost her _

_a lot she relapsed twice and had to go through _

_chemo and transplants rejections what helped us _

_was music and she was very talented and picked _

_up the guitar and piano fast we asked her to join us_

_and she did ..what hurt was not knowing other kids _

_who went through this we were isolated a lot cuz of _

_our careers so I thought it would be cool to have_

_a place to come to where kids who were suffering _

_could go where kids who had a passion for the arts_

_could get training. I had money lots of it so I stared_

_meeting with the right people and it took time_

_but we created such a place your looking at it..._

She motioned around

_No Illusions is the name of our band and my recored company _

_it's also the name of this camp..._

_it's our baby.._

_but it's in trouble my brother Shane _

_became obsessed with money and fame and _

_started hanging with a bad crowd he got involved with drugs and _

_started going down a different path while_

_Zoe,Rian ,Alexia and I signed with Disney to star in a new generation of LA Fame ._

_Shane started hanging out with rappers and_

_going down a bad path he started fighting and getting_

_arrested he started stealing money from me and from _

_N' ill I was fighting him at every turn but he_

_was getting more and more violent and our fights escalated till _

_one of us were knocked out. _

_I ended up in ICU after one fight and when I was _

_there they discovered a brain tumor the cancer _

_had returned and formed in a new_

_place so began the radiation and chemo _

_the sickness and the pain while I was busy fighting _

_for my life and career Shane was busy Screwing_

_with someone who did not like being screwed with _

_and made it clear that if he didn't pay up soon he_

_was going to pay...while I was in a coma he stole _

_2 million dollars from me ..but it wasn't enough _

_he needed more and in a sense of loyalty he wouldn't steal any more from me.._

_how generous [_Selena whispered_] _

_I heard that Selena and yes I echo that my brother_

_was anything but tactful which is why he brilliantly _

_chose to rob a corner store and when the lady_

_behind the counter pushed the alarm for the police _

_he shot her and stole the money he begged mam to hide him here _

_but she refused just as the police arrived he started to shot at them _

_and they shot back mam pushed one of the_

_campers out of the way and was shot and killed .._

_excuse me for a second …_

She got up and went into the hall I could hear her fighting back tears Zoe got up and went after her .I followed them even though it may not be my place she's one of my oldest friends so I felt I owed it to her..Zoe was holding her as she fought off the tears; I moved in and wrapped my arms around her and talked to her softly. Her eyes were red and her face pale I knew it was a Imagen that still haunted her all these years later. Her body was hot with unshed tears and shaken we talked quietly then when she was ready we went back in and she continued

_sorry about that momentary lapse but I'm better.._

_after the killings and arrest the camp took a bad hit_

_investors pulled out and we lost even more money_

_I tried to make up for it with profits from our last tour and cd sales _

_but it become impossible between my medical bills_

_and just general operations of camp were over_

_budget and if we don't make up soon will be forced to shut down.._

_I don't want that cause these kids need a place to go to _

_our kids are so talented and have had so much pain_

_they need us that's why I asked all of you here.._

_Disney has been amazing to us they've agreed to sponsor this contest I guess u could call it_

_okay I'm tired of talking and I'm sure your all tired _

_of hearing me so let me turn over the reigns to Rian_

He stood up and waved dang I always thought he was so hot 5'9 thin 115 and with the sweetest set of dimples ever he had spiky blond hair cut to his neck and dyed rainbow colored with green eyes like shamrocks.

_Well you already know who I am so let me just also say thank you_

_basically we want a way to bring awareness back to camp N' ILL in a positive light so _

_our bosses at Disney came up with this idea of asking all the stars to come together to teach and be Jr counselors here were be divided into teams the Disney picture or DP _

_as we call it or the Disney Series _

_DS these two teams will each train the kids to the best of their _

_knowledge in dance music and acting and each team_

_will be responsible to create a movie to help promote _

_camp N' ill and they will have to get sponsors to endorse _

_their project the kids will be responsible to do all this you guys_

_**cannot **_help them at all guide them watch them 

_but they have to do this on their own and do it in a_

_way that is not cheating or hurtful..at the end _

_whoever has the most sponsors whoever has pleased the judges the most_

_will win and the winners will have the chance of _

_a lifetime to have their movie turned into either a big _

_screen theater production or a t v series on _

_Disney hence your names..all the profits will go to helping out here .._

_Disney is backing us up so we need to make this count not only are our _

_careers on the line but these kids.. many of you live_

_very privileged lives and are use to a certain comfort level …_

_you get asked to do this kind of thing all the time donate_

_money and time and then go on with your lives_

_you don't have to think about the kids after that but I'm asking you _

_please do the opposite to really think of these kids _

_and all they suffered..you work long days on set _

_and are use to being around grownups you had to _

_develop a maturity beyond your years and I know _

_sometimes it's easy to forget your a child but for _

_kids who are sick and in pain it's hard to think about_

_growing up when your fighting to stay alive one day.._

_I know you are all amazing cause you made your_

_dreams come true so were asking you to help_

_these kids make their's come true..thank you again..._

As he sat down Zoe got up she reminds me a lot of Brandi a rebel yet an angel..she's 5'10 and 125 with permanently tanned skin every time I look at her .I get in the beach mood she has almost every part you can think of Pierced her navel had a black ring with tiny a pink stripped ball her nose had a diamond stud her left eyebrow had a sliver arrow in it each ear had 6 piercings her lip had a colorful ring she even had her right nipple Pierced but she didn't look scary she has these soft brown eyes and her hair is a light chestnut color to her shoulders which is dyed pink and purple and blue this week.. Disney makes her take her piercings out when she films.

_I'll skip all that formal stuff that these two motor mouths just bored us to tears with_

[laughter broke the quite]

_but I will thank you again and say that this is a passion for us cause we know what it's_

_like to fight for even the simple act of breathing_

_and while we do have a job to do as to train these kids to be the best performers they can be_

_we also need to make sure they have Fun! And remember that for these kids this may be the only_

_fun they have all year cause we must remember also that these kids are not_

_ordinary campers these kids are kids who have had to endure pain and isolation_

_fear and sickness many of these kids are fighting for their lives all have fought_

_and for some it's a battle they will ultimately lose..cause no matter how hard they fight_

_how loud they scream how hard they pray sometimes the monster still wins_

_each of you should have a packet in front of you with info sheets of each of your campers _

_medical info resumes if the child has worked...and a color either purple or blue_

_blue represents DP purple DS_

_each room has a counselor and one or two trainees_

_we have fully trained medical staff we have a full staff lab _

_and a local hospital who has agreed to take any kids if _

_they fall ill but you will be in charge so please be _

_ware of them if they appear to be acting tired or sick or_

_different then normal alert someone...but most of all_

_give these kids hope and fun..okay lets do a round of _

_intros for those who don't know each other counselors_

_start and trainees follow you can add what show your from if you want..._

Katie started then Mandy and I introduced ourselves...Selena stood..with her counselor who spoke first

_Hi I'm Chelsea James _

_I'm Selena from Wizards were on DP_

Then Lacey and Brandi went..after them went the guy Lacey had been hugging

_I'm Jeff McKensie Lacey's husband_

_this is our five year old son Tyler Skyler_

_[_ the boy waved and giggled _]_

_Hi I'm David from Wizards_

_Hi I'm Mitchel from Hann..._

I jumped up screaming and ran to him which made everyone laugh like crazy he looked shocked but embraced me

_Easy there miles it's not like you've never seen me before [ Mitchel]_

_sorry too much sugar [me]_

Zoe introduced Demi who was her trainee they were with DS then another girl stood

_Hi I'm Megan Charnell and my trainee is_

_Hi I'm Debby from suit life were on DS_

After they went Rian introduced Dylan they were DP who introduced his brother Cody who was DS who introduced his counselors

_This is Josh Martle he's Katie's husband_

_course if u ever want a younger man Katie_

_you know my brother and I don't mind...._

We laughed as Josh pulled him down,rolling his eyes then came a really good looking guy tall and built with brown spiky hair with blond tips..blue eyes and subtle facial hair

_Hi I'm Eric_ _Lawrence _

_Hi I'm Moises ..from Hannah Montana..I'm with DP_

_what I don't get a scream or a hug Miley what the heck..._

_can't...[me]_

I had to grit my teeth Mandy was squeezing the heck out of my leg to keep me quite...

_Hi I'm Dani Vanoy_

_Hello I'm Dominique _

_and I'm Noreen were with DS_

_were also from a group called The Beach Angels_

_Hi I'm Tina McGreggor _

_I'm Brooke also from TBA_

_but were representing for DP_

_Hello I'm Dawn Rochelle _

_I'm Laura were with DS and I'm also with TBA_

_Hi I'm Dullas _

_I'm Emily from Hannah Montana were with DP_

Mandy was squeezing my leg and holding my mouth shut so I wouldn't scream and throw my arms around Emily..as I was trying to squeal it made for quite a show everybody was laughing..

_Howdy I'm DJ Longado_

_and my trainees are late..I'm with DS_

_I'm Morgan Lancaster and I have the same problem.. but for DP_

_Richie McGreggor_

_and I'm Jason From Hannah were on DS_

_I'm Joy Delaney _

_I'm Jeniffer from Wizards for DS _

Laying my head on Mandy's shoulder I wondered what everyone's story was you had to have some kind of illness to be a counselor most had been campers here before or came from another camp that was helping out in this project called Jenny house..they all looked so healthy though..as I sat and wondered and smiled thinking how I was going to enjoy a stress free summer and think about my feelings for Nick and Mandy later as Noah introduced herself..

_I'm Noah from Hannah I'm here to help out in acting _

_with the younger kids..I'm with DP and I'm with_

_Hi I'm Sarah Martel …_

_Hi I'm Aaron Martel were helping out _

_with the kids as well were with DS.._

Just then the door flew open and with a gust of wind in raced three very late and very rain soaked boys..my heart stopped pumping and I felt dizzy no way...I was not staring at who I thought it couldn't be

S_orry were late we got lost I'm Kevin. Joe, Nick..._

A/N Don't be shy..(=^._.^=) u know u wanna say something and it's so easy..just click on that little button on the bottom that says review ..or pm me..suggestions welcome but as Miles would say " don't be rude" I'm trying to combine my favorite author Lurlene McDaniel with Hannah .. question

anyone have twitter? I do it's

/mileycfan4eva

follow me if u want and pm me to let me know I'll follow u 2..

anyone see Fame ,Ana Maire from Hannah is in it aka Ashley Dewitt..

Drop me a pm and let me know


	9. Chapter 9 Only In My Dreams

Only In My Dreams

A/N Thanks to everyone who reviewed added me as a favorite or as a alert...hope u enjoy

_Hi I'm Kevin, Joe , Nick..._

My heart stopped beating for a Milli second no freaking way it couldn't be...what in the heck were they doing here? They were suppose to be touring this summer ...my eyes blinked several times to make sure they weren't playing tricks on me...Nick's eyes connected with mine as I felt Mandy's hand caressing my leg squeezing it slightly making me feel guilty .I shouldn't even look at him I mean I'm with Mandy ..Nick was my ex..she whispered something to me and brushed a bit of hair from my face and caused me to take my eyes away from his ..I saw him looking at me with such intensity his eyes full of confusion and a bit of anger which confused me but Mandy's sweet voice tickled my inner ear and I didn't have time to wonder much more as Mac spoke..

_Welcome guys glad u made it don't worry about it _

_I'll make sure someone fills you in on what you missed _

_for now take your seat _

D.J and Eric walked over and introduced themselves they took their seats .I avoided Nick's eyes as I bent over Mandy and whispered back her breath soft and sweet on my checks.

Afterwards we went into the lounge to have a full buffet and mingle music was playing and people split up to play games. Mandy and I took a plate to share and sat on a beanbag which was mickey mouse shaped and even squeaked as we sat down causing her to jump and scream and me to laugh like crazy slapping her butt. Emily came over and sat by us along with Demi and Selena who was balancing their plates as Demi typed

_hey a little help here! [ Selena]_

_yea yea sure just a minute dear aw he's so sweet...[Demi]_

_aha! Losing it here! [Selena]_

She struggled to hold onto both plates her cell and walk straight we had to laugh as I tried to get up but this thing was like a suction pulling me down which made Mandy laugh seeing Selena jumping side to side as the plates tipped to the left to the right while Demi kept tweeting away ..

_aw he said I'm all he's thought about since I left town!_

_Aw baby that's so sweet your all I thought about! [Demi]_

_gag me! [Selena]_

_help me first! [Selena]_

_I got ya babe [Nick]_

Like a knight he swept in and grabbed the lopsided plates and her ...she grinned and sighed as we kept cracking up...

_Don't worry babe I won't let you fall or be laughed at _

_some people are just rude...and have no manners [Nick]_

He looked directly at me I felt his eyes burn through mine my face became hot..

_what it was funny...[me]_

_maybe to you but if she had lost it_

_she would have been embarrassed[Nick]_

_and messy..[ Mandy]_

_thanks nick I knew I could count on you babe [Selena]_

He looked at me and grabbed her arm pulling her to him and kissing her fully on the mouth even she seemed taking back. I diverted my head I didn't need to see that...feeling Mandy's hand squeeze my butt so no one saw was what kept me from running away .I settled back against her laying my head on her shoulder as Emily leaned back against my leg sharing a turkey leg with me. The fire danced like fairies bright and full of life and energy. It crackled and sparked I wondered if I could make a wish and it would carry it off into the night air...if I could it would be that someday I wouldn't have to hide what I truly feel who I really am and who I really love...god I envied Nick and Selena they could be public about their love with no shame ...kiss and not be afraid...I watched Mandy as she mouthed to Laura across the room and dreamed about the blissful day when we would be married and it wasn't Only In My Dreams . Nick looked like he was coming over and suddenly I couldn't handle him...sliding out of her embrace I headed up to the room she followed as soon as she saw me...

_what's wrong? Is seeing him that hard? [ Mandy]_

_It's unexpected that's all [ me]_

_you just saw him last weekend [Mandy]_

_yea and that went real well huh?[me]_

_you had a reaction it's not a crime [Mandy]_

_maybe but he sure as hell stayed away with no problem [me]_

_maybe he was busy [Mandy]_

_you hated when we were together why are u defending him? [me]_

_I'm not ..I didn't.. ..okay maybe a bit but you know how hard it is to _

_call when your swamped..just give him a minute to explain..[Mandy]_

_not interested thanks but I am exhausted _

_I'm going to bed u coming? [me]_

_yea of course lets go..[ Mandy]_

She took my hand and we went into the elevator as soon as it closed she pulled me close and kissed me hard and passionate. Leaving me weak in my knees she almost had to carry me to the room which was empty thankfully we wasted no time in undressing each other and kissing each other all over moaning and huffing as we fell into the bed and started to explore each other's bodies wanting more and more her juices tasted sweet and sticky as I fully sucked on her privates making her moan and groan her body shivered and wiggled under me her breathing became hot and heavy as her back arched she moaned releasing her juices all over my face moaning soft but deep her body falling ridged as we collapsed laughing and holding each other kissing.

_I thought u said u were tired? [Mandy]_

_I was.. I am...wow [me]_

_yea that's what I'm saying baby if u r tired _

_I can't wait 2 c u when your awake_ [Mandy]

_was it okay? [ me]_

_baby okay? no..[Mandy]_

My heart stopped I felt color rush up

_I'm sorry Manderz I never u know …_

_with anyone else I didn't want it to be awful_

Tears clouded my eyes

_aw baby I'm sorry I meant it as a joke you were amazing _

_you are so good to me your more _

_then okay baby your the best [Mandy]_

_your sure?[ me]_

_yes hon never doubt yourself I love u..[Mandy]_

_thanks I love you to.._[me very soft as I kissed her face and neck]

We cleaned up and changed getting ready for bed god how was I going to go for 12 weeks without touching her kissing her whenever I wanted? I ached to do all them just standing two feet apart at the sink as we brushed our teeth. We had just settled into bed and started to cuddle as Katie came in. We said good-night but I lay there for hours pondering so many questions.

Sunlight poured through the curtains when my eyes slowly blinked open rolling over I saw Mandy was already up and gone. Moaning I rolled to my left clutching her now empty pillow which still smelled like her. I breathed in her scent. It helped me to fall back to sleep as my breathing eased I pictured her in my mind and the thoughts made me dream sweet , naughty visions.

_Wake up miles come on baby...[Mandy]_

_huh? [me]_

Groggily I sat up rubbing my eyes and yawned laughter startled me as I opened my eyes...

_Hey sleepy head...[ Katie]_

_oh god was I talking in my sleep? [me]_

_hey what time is it? [me]_

_after 11 ..and yes.._.[Katie laughing]

_their severing lunch you may _

_want to grab something soon_

_the kids will start arriving at 2 and I want to have _

_a meeting with you and Mandy before_

_they get here go over each case file [Katie]_

_okay where's Mandy anyway?[me]_

_jogging [Katie]_

My body did not want to sit up it protested at every moment but I forced myself up yawing as I dragged myself to the shower.

Feeling slightly rejuvenated I headed downstairs and raided the buffet , Emily waved to me as I entered her and Selena were sitting together with Demi who was typing away. Rolling my eyes I groaned and went over yawing again dang would I ever get enough sleep?

_Bout time you got up! [Selena]_

_yea we thought we'd have to shower you _

_with a bucket of ice cold water [Emily]_

_you would to..[me]_

I gave her the evil eye she grinned wickedly

_yea and I would have so much _

_fun doing it to..[Emily]_

_Evil child..[me]_

She laughed rubbing her hands together which made me shove her..

_hey! [Emily]_

_for horses..[me]_

_lame comeback so 90's [Selena]_

_I was born in the 90's don't dis the 90's! [me]_

_So was I what's your point?[Selena]_

I was about to say something when Katie and Chelsea came in and motioned for us to follow them

_We want go over our cases with you and give you the chances to _

_ask questions Dullas will meet us up there Em [Chelsea]_

_great how many kids do we have? [Emily]_

_she hasn't told you? [Chelsea]_

_I don't think she would ask if Dullas had [Katie]_

_good point wise ass [Chelsea]_

_you have 5 you have kids who are still on chemo_

_who need more care then we have_

_okay sounds like I'll have my hands full [Emily]_

She looked worried I wrapped my arm through hers and squeezed her hand she smiled at me resting her head on my shoulder.

_Emily if Dullas doesn't do her_

_part or you feel over whelmed_

_come to Katie or I or Lacey will help you _

_we don't want you to feel over your head [Chelsea]_

_thanks I'll be okay ..I hope [Emily]_

_what's with Dullas though?_

_She acts like she doesn't want to be here one _

_minute then the next she's thrilled [Emily]_

_long story short she has a rough life and _

_she's never fully accepted having Cancer_

_she got a lot better in the last few years [Katie]_

_I can't believe we've known her _

_for almost 10 years[Chelsea]_

_yea I know [Katie]_

_her adopted mom Kimber helped her out a lot_

_but she Relapsed last year and Dullas _

_took it real hard [Katie]_

_how is her momma wow that's awful _

_they both have cancer? [me]_

_yea it's ironic they met at camp long story_

_but Kimber's tough and she's _

_fighting hard [Chelsea]_

We got to the room and settled down I couldn't shake this feeling of extreme exhaustion and hoped it would go away soon..real freaking soon..laying down I wasted no time in placing my head on Mandy's legs she gave out a little huff but when I looked up she was smiling so I knew it was okay.

Opening the file's Katie scanned it and started

_well our first kid is 15 year old Becky Miller _

_she's from San Diego and had Neuroblastoma _

_she's been singing since she was 5 and has done local commercials_

_she takes acting lessons and does community theater._

_What's Nerublastoma? [Mandy]_

_Neuroblastoma is a disease in which malignant (cancer) _

_cells form in nerve tissue of the adrenal gland,_

_neck, chest, or spinal cord. [Chelsea]_

_okay thanks is she in remission? [me]_

_yes currently she's been in for 2 years now [Katie]_

_our next kid is 12 year old __Nazira Rozonda Williams she is from the Bronx [Katie]_

[A/N yes I wanted Nazira and Rozonda spelled this way so don't comment on the grammar]

_She was diagnosed with __mitochondrial cytopathies._

_which has caused her to have partial loss of hearing and eye sight_

_trouble with muscle coordination, muscle weakness _

_she has also suffered from heart problems due to the illness _

_what is __mitochondrial cytopathies?[me]_

_mitochondrial cytopathies actually include more_

_than 40 different identified diseases _

_that have different genetic features. _

_The common factor among these diseases is that the _

_mitochondria are unable to completely burn food _

_and oxygen in order to generate energy. [Chelsea]_

_sounds awful [Me]_

_yea it does but Mac has met with this _

_young girl and tells me she has a will_

_to live and doesn't let it stop her _

_she's learned to use what she has to her _

_advantage she's been acting since she was 5_

_and takes dance and vocal lessons_

_she's landed a few roles in various TV shows_

_and preforms in church shows.[Katie]_

_Next we have Janella Wilson _

_she's 13 and has __Non-Hodgkin lymphoma _

_she was diagnosed two years ago _

_and has been through chemo .radiation_

_and most recently a bone marrow transplant. _

_She has no prior professional preforming_

_experience but she has taken dance and vocal lessons _

_for three years and plays the flute[ Katie]_

_Our fourth kid is Joelynn Abby Kassandra who is 14_

_she has _**_Medulloblastoma_**_ since she was 11_

_she's been through 6 surgeries radiation , chemo _

_and she's been in remission 3 x and has_

_been in this remission since February _

_very little experience in the business but she did put_

_together a play for her local hospital to raise money_

_for their cancer research and treatment _

_which was quite a hit it made the paper and local news_

_she's been in acting classes and dance lessons _

_since she was 5 and a local vocal coach _

_agreed to give her free lessons after the play raised $50,000 ...[Katie]_

_Medulloblastoma that's a cancer of the brain? [ Me]_

_yes in the lower part it's a tumor [Chelsea]_

_the fifth girl we have is 16 years old her name is_

_Alicia Nicole Cummings _

_she has Cyanotic __heart disease__ and needs a heart transplant [Katie]_

I saw her exchange a look with Chelsea who gave a slight smile which seemed a sign to Katie to continue

_she is a local star having been a poster _

_child in her hometown of Canada for heart awareness_

_she's stared in commercials and has taken _

_lessons in dance and vocal and acting for 6 years_

_how long has she had this illness? [ Brandi]_

_since birth[ Chelsea]_

_our sixth girl is Reba Allison McAllister_

_she's 13 and has Cystic Fibrosis _

I felt my breath catch Mandy and Brandi both squeezed my hands and quickly hugged me I swallowed against the lump in my throat and nodded to assure them I was okay so Katie could go on..

_Reba has been in competitive dance since she was 7_

_she is a aspiring singer and loves to draw but she is fighting against time _

_her Cf has left her with little time she needs a lung transplant_

I couldn't help it my mind started to think about my sweet brave little Vanessa had she lived she'd be 13 today I thought of all she dreamed of being how talented she was and how she always held onto hope for a cure. I thought of how we use to play together and how we shared our crushes on boys ..Katie's voice brought me out of my trance as I felt Mandy squeeze my hand.

_Our 7__th__ girl is Payton Claire Morgan she is 10_

_and has Ewing sarcoma she had _

_to have her right arm amputated_

_when she was 6 but she's been cancer free _

_since she was 8 like Reba she used her _

_illness to bring awareness to her community _

_when she was just 7 she wrote a script _

_about four kids who had cancer and _

_started a adventure to find the cure for cancer_

_it was brought to the attention of a local producer _

_who turned her work into a local movie on their _

_local TV station since then she's been in writing_

_workshops and learning how to improve her writing_

Mandy started to stroke my face as I turned my head into her leg feeling her soft skin comfort me as her hands went from my face to my legs comforting me as my breathing eased dang my head was killing me. Thinking of Vanessa brought me such sadness Chelsea went over her list then Lacey went over hers and finally Dullas entered sulking Emily looked worried again as Dullas opened her mouth

_Alright I'm here what did I miss [Dullas]_

_your late [Katie]_

_yea so ? [Dullas]_

_not acceptable[Chelsea]_

_ask me if I care_

_no wait don't cause I don't [Dullas]_

_well you should this project means _

_a lot to Mac and to these kids[ Emily]_

_What do I care? I'm only here_

_cause mom made me [Dullas]_

She was snapping on gum loudly popping it to be annoying it was making my headache worse .I moaned Mandy rubbed my face and my head which eased the pain a bit. Emily looked at Katie as if to say why me and do I have to be stuck? Dullas who was dressed in black skin tight leather pants and a bright red shirt with a Gothic peace sign that said ' screw peace' on it and a black vest her head was shaved and she wore a black bandanna on her head..

_Well thank u for covering up your head [Lacey]_

_yea like I had a choice u people don't _

_know what real art is if it bit u in [Dullas]_

_that's enough ...[Lacey]_

That seemed to shut her up but she sunk into a bed and put her feet up in till Lacey shot her a look

_why did they make her cover her head?_ [Selena whispered to Lacey]

_cause her idea of real art is to get a tattoo on her head saying_

_' Fuck cancer'_

_ow! that had to hurt! [me]_

_wimp [Dullas]_

_don't talk to her that way[Mandy]_

_what are u her lover lesbian [Dullas]_

_watch yourself don't talk to my sister or Mandy _

_that way or I'll make u regret it! [Brandi]_

_whatever losers I'm out[Dullas]_

She went out slamming the door cussing Emily buried her head in my lap I rubbed her head. Katie exchanged looks with Lacey and Chelsea.

_We need to talk to Mac will be back hang in there Emily [Lacey]_

_if not I'll deal with her sorry butt _

_no prob I'm going to get the room ready [Emily]_

_I'll help you [Chelsea]_

_I'm going to lie down [Brandi]_

_me to..[me]_

_I'm going to meet up with the girls catch y'all later [Mandy]_

_'Y'all ' you been hanging round us way to long [Brandi]_

We laughed as we split up stretching out I laid down turning on the radio a song that started to play made me think about what I had earlier and he thoughts put a instant smile to my face and was instantly asleep. The lyrics following me to my dreams...

_Verse 1:  
Every time I'm telling secrets  
I remember how it used to be  
And I realized how much I miss you  
And I realize how it feels to be free_

Now I see I'm up to no good (no, no, no)  
And I wanna start again  
Cant remember when I felt good (baby)  
No I cant remember when

Chorus:  
No, only in my dreams  
As real as it may seem  
It was only in my dreams

Verse 2:  
Couldn't see how much I missed you (now I do)  
Couldn't see how much it meant  
Now I see my world come tumbling down  
(tumbling down my world)  
Now I see the road is bent

If I only once could hold you (no, no, no)  
And remember how it used to be  
If only I could scold you  
And forget how it feels to be free

Chorus

No, no, no, no, only in my dreams  
As real as it may seem  
It was only in my dreams

Chorus

No, no, no, no, only in my dreams  
As real as it may seem  
It was only in my dreams

No, no, no, only in my dreams  
As real as it may seem  
It was only in my dreams 

A/N the lyrics Only in my dreams are written and preformed by Deborah " Debbie" Gibson.


	10. Chapter 10 Lost In Your Eyes

**Lost in Your Eyes**

When I woke up I was stiff but my headache was now a dull pain in the back of my head so I stretched out and went to wash up after a quickie pee break .I splashed water on my face brushed my teeth and fixed my hair tying to decide up or down...I experimented with a few styles lost in thought when I felt a pair of hands slide over my waist..

_Darling u r sexy no matter_

_how you wear your hair [Mandy]_

Her voice was a soft purr in my ear as I felt her breath hit my checks as she encircled her arms around my stomach and waist. I grinned dropping my hair and turned my head to face her my eyes scanned her gorgeous face and I smiled ..her eyes were so full of love laughter light .I was lost in them she looked at me strange but I didn't care slowly I lifted my hand and stroked her face she never broke eye connect as she turned me and gently pushed me against the wall. Her hands slide up to my stomach sending goose bumps up my whole body as she leaned in her eyes checking my whole body out. I felt sexy and shivered at the thoughts of what we could do if we had time..

_you know I love you right? [Mandy]_

_more then your heart can stand [me]_

_yes and thats why we have to be extra careful_

_I have a feeling Dullas is out for blood and for some reason she's targeted you_

_I don't want you to get hurt I'll do anything to protect you babe [Mandy]_

_I know I feel the same bout you Love u to baby [me]_

_Now shut up and kiss me [me]_

Kiss me she did with such passion and force it knocked me back pressed as far against the wall as possible her body so close to me I felt every curve and every heartbeat as her hands pinned mine above my head her kisses devoured me up and left me breathless and weak. My hands started to fool with the back of her bra as she moaned and held the back of my head kissing me deeper my tongue started to wrap itself around hers our mouths moving in sync as I unhooked her bra and ran my hands over her now bare back and over her amazing chest. She lifted me up a bit to get deeper access without hesitation .I wrapped my legs around her waist moaning as her touches made me rise with excitement ..so deep into kissing we didn't hear anything in till the knob was turning and the door opening we jumped apart and separated so fast Mandy fell back and landed hard on the floor

_ow ...[Mandy]_

I was in shock and didn't know what to do looking at her worried but she jumped up shoving my head into the sink as she whipped down her pants and sat on the toilet.

_Oh my god I'm so sorry [Lacey]_

She covered her mouth and looked away as Mandy got up my head was bent over the running sink as I pretended to wash...I saw her through the mirror turning every shade of red

_It's okay were just getting ready[Mandy]_

_you almost ready miles?_

_uh..yea..[Me]_

_good let's go..[Mandy]_

Lacey had turned away as she did I let out a huge sigh of relief .I had no intention of washing my face I wanted to hold onto Mandy's sweet kisses as long as I could cause I knew they would be few and far between after today. ! 12 weeks! It felt like a eternity …

Taking my hand she lead me downstairs

_We have a half hour before the campers arrive want a fast tour? [Katie]_

_yea sounds good [me]_

_would be good to know where were going huh? [Mandy]_

_tru dat so true [me]_

We climbed into a golf cart with Emily, Selena and Demi . Katie drove us down the grassy path about 50 feet away into a gated part where before us stretched the most amazing pool ever it had to be a 100 ft it was divided into 3 sections 5 feet 10 feet 50 feet a huge 100 archers of grassy field with big weeping willow tresses the field was filled with lawn chairs and umbrellas a few plastic tables were spread out as well 7 life guard stands surrounded the pool about 20 feet away were 6 separate pools which all had plastic slides and twists slides attached it looked like a mini water park my mouth was hanging open looking at it utterly impressed ..a mini concession stand was set up at the other end..

_This will be operated by both a Counselor and a RN at all times_

_each kid in their welcome pack will have a _

_plastic credit card type thing with all their _

_info stored into it when they want a snack they give it to _

_the Rn and she scans it into the computer _

_it brings up all their medical reports and lets her or him know _

_if the camper is allowed the food they ask for on the diet if their on one.._

_the cards are like an id they must have it on them at all _

_times their need it for a few things here _

_they don't have to wear it but it must be on them,_

_what happens if they lose it?[Mandy]_

_we can issue another one but after the 1__st__ one we charge their parents [Katie]_

_wow [me]_

_yea it's for their safety we use them theirs so many kids here _

_we just can't keep track of every one _

_this allows us easier accesses. _

_That's awesome thou [ Selena]_

_yea Mac really took every precaution [ Demi]_

_yes she did [ Chelsea]_

After that stop we drove around and saw huge archers of fields a baseball area 3 fields spread out a football one..a soccer one a tennis court a track and field one with an outdoor stage. Then we visited a cabin where arts and crafts were held a range for bow and arrows …

_What's this? [Selena]_

We came upon a area sealed off it was torn down what ever it was...yellow police tape was blocking entrance no one answered for a few minutes they looked at each other I knew the answer and felt shivers go up and down my whole body pieces of hacked wood scattered the area ...finally I softly said..

_this use to be a shooting range for practice it was carefully monitored by a trained_

_police officer it was a form of therapy for kids _

_just a way of relishing pent up feelings_

_but after her mom was killed uh..she didn't want any_

_other kid to think using a gun was acceptable so _

_she had it torn down ..[me]_

We stayed silent for a bit then Selena blew a kiss and whispered

_R.I.P Beautiful Angel [Selena]_

We all thought of her at least I think they were Mandy squeezed my hand as we went on...

We toured the rest of the grounds and got to the stables

_yay horses! _[me clapping]

_are we allowed to check horses out? [Demi]_

_yes of course but if u don't have training please tell someone [Katie]_

_don't know why anyone would chose _

_to ride they hurt your bum [Lacey]_

_you get breaks through out the day just make sure your kids are covered_

_you have to check with one of the two stable handlers_

_let's see if their here...[Chelsea]_

_hello~~_

_is anyone..._

Chelsea's words died on her lips as one of the counselors .I remembered stepped out couldn't remember his name thou...but he was tall well built in tight blue jeans with a buckle brown leather cowboy boots a short sleeved plaid shirt mixed of blue and gray colors.. a black cowboy hat...he was walking a Albanian back to it's stall the horse wined as it was lead in making me miss my home in Nashville so much..

_hi I'm D.J _

_if u need to check a horse out have your ID ready _

_will scan it and it records the time u checked out_

_we ask u don't keep them out more then 2 hours _

_but if for some reason u need to just ask either myself or_

_my partner Morgan will help u out.._

Chelsea seemed to suddenly stay quite and stay back his look gazed over her for a long minute but he turned away as fast as he looked she blushed and looked heartbroken..I wondered about it but it wasn't my business..

Then we toured the building where we would spend most of our time.. we went inside and heard the sound of singing in one of the rooms Zoe was at a piano playing I could see she was lost in the music as she sung the chorus of a popular song...

_A million miles that I have gone  
With signs that say to give it up  
Just tear me down or lift me up  
No Time For Tears  
No Time For Tears  
No Time For Tears_

She looked up as she finished and smiled as she saw us waved and came over

_Hey glad your getting to see where you'll be working [Zoe]_

_looks huge [Selena]_

_not as you would think for a camp huh? [Zoe]_

_well Mac wanted to make sure the kids all got a _

_fair turn but believe me it still gets crowded_

_on the lower level we have 100 music rooms _

_we use them for _

_instrumental lessons there's_

_some for private lessons _

_some for groups some for practice _

_the second and third floors are for dance there's 60 on each _

_30 advanced 20 for those who are in the middle levels _

_and 10 for private _

_we have times for classes in each_

_the forth level is for drama or theater _

_16 rooms we use as private lessons_

_one auditorium which holds 2000 people we don't use it for all shows thou some shows we do we _

_take the kids into La for and rent a theater there _

_the last level is for class rooms we have 20 music ones 20 drama and 20 dance_

_their not mandatory that students take academic classes but for those who wish to we have _

_trained professionals on staff to teach .._

_why don't u take your time to look around and get an idea where you'll be working.._

We split up to check them out and Mandy wasted no time taking off her shoes and doing some pirouettes across the floor of one of the spacious dance rooms. Looking around I was struck on how gorgeous it was decorated in old English style I felt like I was stepping back into time at the royal Ballet school in the early days. Huge glass mirrors enclosed the walls in front and back.. These kids were so lucky to go to a place like this where they would get the best training...Mandy was now in the middle of a giant leap and as she came down her back was perfectly arched arms out straight she landed on pointe on her left foot and did a perfect series of pirouettes she looked incredible so graceful and so at ease..

When we went to meet the others she was still flushed and had a glassy eyed look which made her so much more adorable .I rubbed her back and arms to calm her down but I was feeling anxious by now hopeful I could help these kids and fearful I would look like a idiot after all I was only 16 myself what qualified me to be a trainer of any kind?

We walked back to the lounge as we approached we saw kids already arriving Mandy stopped and grabbed my hand

_Lets make a promise [Mandy]_

_of what? [me]_

_that no matter what happens this summer we always stay true_

_to ourselves and to each other [Mandy]_

_Yea and remember how much we love each other [me]_

_undivided right? [Mandy]_

_forever [me]_

We hugged as we came up Katie waved to us as we shoved our way through pandemonium kids running to each other clinging to parents or pushing them away a few little ones were crying some just looked lost I stopped to help a few find their counselors.. As soon as we got to Katie we saw she was handling this like a old pro helping campers find their assigned counselor and soothing ones who were crying, Mandy grabbed my hand to keep me from getting lost. When we reached Katie she grinned

_I got things down here covered why don't you go _

_upstairs and wait as soon as our girls get here I'll send them up_

_and you two can help them settle in sound good? [Katie]_

_yea we can handle that right Manderz? [me]_

_yea [Mandy]_

_great will see you up there_

We took the elevator and got up there in no time the room was empty so she closed the door and pushed me against it without hesitation .I wrapped my arms around her waist and let her embrace me our lips connected immediately and her kiss left me weak and craving more endless sweet kisses .I never wanted her to stop. She tasted amazing her breath against my check her heartbeat beating fast and steady next to mine brushing my hand over her face she looked up and smiled kissing my face my breathing was erratic my face flushed when we pulled apart all I could do was stare in her eyes lost...We heard voices giggling coming our way she took my hand and opened the door halfway

_Together baby forever nothing will tear us apart as long as were honest_

_I'll always be honest with you Mandy no lies I promise you [me]_

_good then we have nothing to worry about [Mandy]_

_all we have to do is help these kids find their talent harvest it _

_and have the time of our lives! [Mandy]_

_sweet deal I can handle that![me]_

She went and turned on the radio trying to pull herself together and the perfect song came on I grinned and motioned to her she smiled and blew a air kiss as I sung to her...

_Verse 1:  
I get lost in your eyes  
And I feel my spirits rise  
And soar like the wind..  
Is it love that I am in?_

I get weak in a glance  
Isn't that whats called romance?  
...and now I know  
cause when I'm lost I cant let go

Chorus:  
I don't mind not knowing what I'm headed for  
You can take me to the skies...  
Its like being lost in heaven  
When I'm lost in your eyes

Verse 2:  
I just fell, don't know why  
Somethings there we cant deny...  
And when I first knew  
Was when I first looked at you

And if I cant find my way  
If salvation seems worlds away  
Oh, Ill be found  
When I am lost in your eyes

Chorus:  
I don't mind not knowing what I'm headed for  
You can take me to the skies...  
Oh its like being lost in heaven  
When I'm lost in your eyes

Verse 3:  
I get weak in a glance  
Isn't this whats called romance?  
Oh, Ill be found  
When I am lost in your eyes 

A/N lost in your eyes lyrics and song written and preformed by Deborah check out her official website and youtube page. No time for tears by Ashlee Simpson.


	11. Chapter 11 Higher Ground

**HIGHER GROUND**

MILEY P O V

Just as we said that the door flew open and in came a tiny little girl struggling with 6 or 7 bags. Huffing and groaning she stepped in and dropped her bags she was adorable with these cute puffy checks and deep hazel eyes

which were off set by this head of shiny dark brown almost black hair in two pigtails she was wearing a pair of red and black checker pants with black and red vans a tight black t-shirt with red lettering saying parent advisory

explicit lyrics..in the shape of a Cd.....

_oh my gosh you are so cute what's your name sweetie?[me]_

She giggled and blushed

_I wish I was as pretty as you wow I can't believe how lucky I am_

_yes! _

The young girl ran over squealing and threw her arms around me I was shocked and touched that she was so excited to have me as a counselor ..

_well your fro sure energetic [Mandy]_

_yes it annoys everyone and I love it! _

_Oh BTW I'm Janella people call me Jan my full name is Janella Wilson_

_but I prefer Ella _

_I'm 13 I like to swim ride my bike_

_fish with my daddy I love to play the flute and run long _

_distance even though I can't do it as fast _

_as I use to jazz is my favorite dance _

_I love to make up my own routines and create _

_different characters to go with them_

_and this wig is so dang itchy ugh I hate it ![ Ella]_

All of a sudden she took it and threw it in her suitcase

_hope u don't mind ? [Ella]_

_uh..no not at all [Mandy]_

We were both in shock as she ripped it off and shock her head cracking her neck Mandy made a groaning sound as Ella giggled.

_That stupid thing is so hot and sticky but my _

_momma thinks I look so adorable_

_so I wear it to please her [Ella]_

_aw that's sweet..[me]_

_yea well my mom has done so much for me and my _

_cancer it''s been real hard on her [Ella]_

_let us help you settle in hon [me]_

_thanks these are beastly heavy [Ella]_

We went over and started to pick her bags up and drag them inside

_what bed should I chose?[Ella]_

_any one that doesn't have bag on it we got the queen _

_and Katie who you met downstairs_

_has the middle one here [Mandy]_

She looked around for a bit and pointed

_I like the one by the window across from yours is that one okay? [Ella]_

_yes that will work [me]_

Her sweetness melted me and she was so preppy and perky, I felt tired just watching and hearing her Mandy had a look on her face as well. Like oh my god this will be a long summer but she looked like she was going to enjoy it. Ella placed her bags on the bed and climbed up on the window sill

_I love looking out the window and seeing the sunset and rise [Ella]_

_wow so do we that's so cool [me]_

_awesome I'm going to love it here! _

_I told my mommy this will be the best summer I've ever had! [Ella]_

_Janella! _

A women dressed in a crisp gray business suit ran in she looked immaculately perfect not a hair of her light brown hair was out of place curled to perfection and styled close to her neck base her 6 inc heals clicked as she walked swiftly into the room. Ella turned to her and quickly wiped on the wig as the women came into full view

_baby why did you run off!_

_You know better then that you scared me almost to death_

_don't ever do that again or I swear you will be grounded all summer!_

_Momma I'll be at camp all summer you can't ground me silly [Ella]_

She giggled which made us giggle and the look on her moms face was priceless

_oh yea okay but you'll be grounded at home [Ella's mom]_

_yea like there's anything to do at home?[Ella]_

_You like your classes don't you? [Ella's mom]_

_you wouldn't? [Ella]_

Her eyes were huge round saucers

_Missy I would most certainly do it so behave [Ella's mom]_

_yes momma I will I love you [Ella]_

_don't worry ma'am will keep a close eye on her [me]_

_oh my god [Ella's mom]_

For the first time she seemed to notice we were there and turned in shock

_hello wow I'm sorry I was in such a state_

_I didn't even see you [Ella's mom]_

_hi my name is Mindy Wilson I'm Ella's mom_

_wow are you really Miley Ray? [Ella's mom]_

_that's what my parents told me so I believe them..[me]_

We laughed

_good you listen to your parents I like that _

_she is a good role model dear [Ella's mom]_

_yes mommy I told you that! How many times? [Ella]_

_ha ha baby well now I believe you _

_how many counselors? [Ella's mom]_

_3 ma'am myself and Mandy here are Jr counselors _

_and Katie is our main[me]_

_how many campers? [Ella's mom]_

_seven in total in this room [Mandy]_

_Hi I'm Amanda call me Mandy please_

_nice to meet both of you ladies _

_I'm so glad Janella got put in a room with u miles_

_she absolutely loves you [Ella's mom]_

_she's adorable it'll be a pleasure to have her with us [me]_

_thank you very much [Ella's mom]_

_well I have to get going so baby behave and call me every day_

_you know my office number and my cell my receptionist knows to get me _

_no matter what I do _

_I love you listen to these girls and have fun[Ella's mom]_

She kissed her head and hugged her and waved to us taking off as soon as she breezed out the wig came off and she giggled we set to work helping her unpack she had a lot of shorts in navy blue and crisp white shirts

_sorry mom makes me go to catholic school and we have to wear _

_these ugly shorts and shirts in the warmer weather I hate them_

_but it's the only summer type clothes I own most of my wardrobe are _

_dresses and dress slacks mom again! [ Ella ]_

_no prob we have plenty of clothes if u need something different_

_wow I can borrow your stuff? [Ella]_

Her eyes were wide in shock we nodded

_oh wow thank you I never had a best friend to do that with! [Ella]_

_where.._

Before I could ask where she lived two more girls came in chatting away fast and high pitched as they tackled each other giggling and dropping bags...the one on the left had curly red hair and bright green eyes she was around 5'5 my height and weighed about 125 wearing lime shorts that went to her knees and a short yellow tank saying November playmate showing off her firm abs and playboy navel ring she was tackling a shorter girl around 5'2 who weighed about the same she had blond hair to her neck and wore light makeup but I could still see her blue cast to her lips her nails were painted a bright neon pink she seemed to be struggling with every breath but she wouldn't surrender or be babied she fought back tackling just as hard as both squealed and pulled hair

_wow they remind me of us Manderz [me]_

_yes fro sure [Mandy]_

I assumed her name was Alicia she was wearing black jeans skin tight that had hearts and glittery butterflies on them surrounded by crystals she also had on a orange tank top saying Jo De Messiah [a popular country artiest on it] on her head she was wearing a black and orange cowboy hat which made me whistle and give a thumbs up both girls stopped and looked up suddenly frozen in place they slowly stared at each other then me then back to each other making Mandy laugh hysterically their faces were awesome

_wow I rendered u speechless gosh that's a new one [me]_

_too bad for us they can't do the same for you huh? [Mandy]_

_shut up Slanderz [me]_

_sorry were huge fans it's such a shock I mean until this morin'_

_I wasn't even sure my doc would even let me come _

_but it's a dream to meet you and be back here_

_oh I'm Alicia Cummings _

She held out her hand to shake which we took

_this is my best friend Becky Miller_

_pleased to meet both of you.._

They set to work unpacking and we helped as we chatted

_so how long have you two been coming here and did you meet right away?[Ella]_

_this is my first year and I'm so excited were_

_going to have the best time and be friends right?[Ella]_

_that's the plan we have camps all about having fun_

_and learning to do what we love [Alicia]_

_I've been coming since camp opened my mom is one of the teachers here _

_but I earned my place so don't go thinking mommy got me this[Alicia]_

She coughed it seemed to take out all her energy to say that

_oh my gosh why would I ever think that u are so pretty I love your accent [Ella]_

_thanks Canadian [Alicia]_

She seemed blown away by Ella's candor 

_I've been coming since I was in my first remission when I was 12[Alicia]_

_wow [Mandy]_

_I know I meet her three years ago we've been besties ever since [Becky]_

_yea I saved her ass from getting beaten up by the mean girls [Alicia]_

_u did not I was so handling them! [Becky]_

_were not! [Alicia]_

_uh huh was to! [Becky]_

_not!_

_To _

_not _

_to!_

As they were arguing and we watched laughing Mandy and I looked at each other each remembering our own arguments. Ella sighed I knew the young girl wished she had that ,I counted myself lucky and quickly hugged Mandy who was shocked but hugged me back and kissed my check the sound of someone rapping caught our attention we turned to the sound just in time to see a young girl with curly black hair tied back with a black and orange bandanna on her head her bright hazel eyes glistened as she announced herself

_diamondz is my name _

_diamondz is my game _

_diamondz in my eyes_

_their twinkle their shine it's my prize_

_no price is too high_

_diamondz a girls best friend _

_neva leave u in pain _

_they tell ya no lies_

_they just glitter and shine_

_I can see it in my minds eye calling me to the mic_

_the biggest the baddest Mc you will ever see_

_been in this game for a long time but it's been a whole year_

_since I've stomped on these grounds_

_looking forward to a new fun time_

_who's still here who's new _

_thinking their the hottest the baddest ain't no one gonna out shine_

_my game's on , I'm hot_

_been hot since I stepped to the mic ain't never gonna put out my fire_

_but you can try if u wanna be made a fool_

_but don't say I ain't warned ya cuz me and my gurls were here to claim the _

_ultimate prize _

_HIGHER GROUND_

_we fought through the pain shed some tears but we _

_never feared cuz we neva eva gave up hope_

_hope is what keeps us alive hope is what _

_gives us courage ,courage to keep on fighting_

_through this pain in this life_

_Monotony _

_I laugh and say to thee neva eva will I be beaten down_

_I come to take it so beware when you hear a sizzle _

_remember I may falter but diamondz neva crack_

_and diamondz is my name _

_remember my name baby!_

_Take it t-baby_

Another girl to her left with tanned skin and dyed blondish hair was swaying to the beat and picked it up as fast and in the same rhythm..

_you wanna say what u wanna say but I know the truth_

_u can't say nothing that I ain't heard b4_

_so be prepared cause I'm so fresh_

_I spray these rhythms_

_oh so maturely so naturally_

_wisdom beyond my young years but don't be fooled_

_cause I'm still young and I know how to kick it_

_chilling with my friends and crushing on the hot boys_

_I've been known to be a little crazy a little wild some may say free_

_but don't think that means I'm easy _

_say what u want I know the truth and don't think that just cause I chose to _

_ignore the negative vibes doesn't mean I don't hear what u say_

_cause nothing slips by my eyes_

_if u true to T-baby_

_T-baby will be true to you but betray me _

_and be prepared to be taken down_

_my rhythms and rimes _

_are the baddest in town_

_I have the power beyond your wildest dreams_

_belief from a higher power_

_he promises me safe and never ending love_

_someday when I reach_

_higher ground_

_as long as I remember who I am where I'm from and to always _

_give thanks to the divine _

_confetti take them downtown_

_24th and 6th ave _

_it's where I roll with my cru _

_this is my story so listen up I only speak once and I only say what's truth_

_even if u chose to believe whatever lies you hear _

_let me take you back to that day the day _

_that started out the same as every other day_

_but who was to know that day would be the day_

_that changed my whole damn life_

_I was 10 years old a little girl with big brown eyes and cornrows_

_dreaming of being the sweetest prettiest _

_actresses straight out of south la_

_had a normal life nothing extravagant me and ma with my older bro Matt_

_my younger sibling annoying little Natalia who thought _

_she was the smartest 5 year old on the block_

_and tough guy robin_

_basketball star _

_all around straight A's mommas dream son_

_daddy was long gone_

_and we were left to carry on_

_momma working three jobs just to put food on our table_

_praying every Sunday someday our luck would change_

_screaming at us to clean up do our chores and wake up on time_

_didn't hear the alarm that day_

_racing down the block just to see the bus pass me by and the kids_

_laugh at me damn what a shame have to walk to school _

_20 blocks this would teach me_

_I-pod in jamming to my own rhythms thinking I was the baddest _

_didn't see the car pulling up till it was too late a hand suffocates_

_me I try to scream but no avail muffled cries are the only sounds _

_fear fills me blood rushes to my head_

_I struggle and fight but my feet leave the ground and my body hits hard _

_when I come around I don't even recognize where I am _

_and I'm not to proud to admit I was scared as hell_

_they came in and turned the music up I fight I scream_

_but they over power me and take away my purity_

_I was trying so hard to save for my wedding day _

_damn them I wanna hit I wanna cry but I don't give them satisfaction _

_so I refuse to give in damn that makes them mad_

_their slaps still resonant on my skin years from then_

_don't even remember how I escaped how long I laid there cold naked fear_

_would anyone believe me would anyone care?_

_Would they pay?_

_I should hate them everyone tells me what they would do_

_but how do u know what u would do if you've never been in my place?_

_Running till my legs throb and I feel like I could drop _

_the police picked me up on the corner of 5th and glory_

_a long story with many unshed tears wondering would anyone care?_

_Would anyone believe?_

_Warm embraces of momma _

_tears of fear tears of shame_

_relief overcomes me _

_as her voice soothes me and tells_

_me _

_no tears no shame _

_I am not to blame_

_what happened to me was no fault on my own_

_now the hard part begins descriptions_

_reminiscence _

_try to block out their voices_

_but they haunt me _

_I try to put it behind me_

_but it's a nightmare that won't go away_

_it's been two years and they are still free_

_but I'm a prisoner of their little gift _

_3 little letters changed my life_

_H.I.V_

_was their gift they left me_

_I should hate them yes I know_

_but hate wastes time I don't have_

_positive is what I aim to be _

_a inspiration to show through the pain_

_you can accomplish anything _

_and I have faith someday will all meet the same_

_judgment day when we met on_

_higher ground_

_and I know I am ready to meet the pearly gates_

_where will they be when it's time to receive or pay?_

_I'm living my life to the max life of the party_

_can't hold me down confetti_

_rains down like crystals at the ball_

_are you ready to rock?_

_I'm ready to roll_

_so look for me on the block_

_ready to blow up this world _

_one , two, three me and my gurls forever accomplishing_

_new records selling out arena's_

_someday in places other then just our dreams_

_were ready to rock are u ready to roll_

_with our dope ass rhythms turn up the base and relax_

_the next T.L.C is coming at ya' we may be shorties but _

_someday will be full grown and were ready to blow 1..2..3_

We were stunned they were amazing..they bowed as if to say hell yea we know..two girls turned to go as the middle girl the one with the bandanna spoke..

_hi I'm Nazira ,diamondz is my nickname_

_these are my girls on my left is_

_Tanya Johnson aka T-baby_

_hello [Tanya]_

_nice to meet you [Mandy]_

_on my right is Casandra Richardson_

_was sup? [Cassie]_

_aka confetti or Cassie_

_I guess I'm here?[Nazira]_

_yes welcome [me]_

_their next door_

_we better go then c ya diamondz [Tanya]_

_yea c ya at da bonfire [Nazira]_

_can I have this bed? [Nazira]_

She pointed to the one by me and Mandy

_yes by all means [me]_

_great love your show by the way u are so funny[Nazira]_

_thanks [me]_

_oh Mandy your the hottest in TBA [Nazira]_

_uh thanks [Mandy]_

_killer moves to [Nazira]_

I was still blown away by her skills I mean she is so young and just owns the spot when she opens her mouth . We went through the routine of helping her to put away things when two more girls came in with Katie one was leaning against Katie for support she was short with short brown hair that looked almost bronzed with rainbow colors blue and red pink and purple, she had light blue eyes and tanned skin and was wearing the latest fashion by Chanel a red and black skirt coming to her knees and a puffy red slick blouse her hair swept to her left side no makeup but she was wearing 4inc red high heals she also had a oxygen tube in her nose. She looked pale and like she was struggling with every breath ..every step I knew that feeling all too well. I assumed she must be Reba , the other girl was almost bouncy next to her she was so young a backwards Yankee's hat on baggy purple jeans from my new line I noticed and a gray short sleeve t-shirt saying true original also from my line her right arm was dangling from her side lifeless but I saw her prosthesis. sticking out from her bag. she was bald from her maintenance therapy but she didn't seem to mind she was thin but she didn't seem to lack any energy something I wish I could say as I was feeling very tired all of a sudden. The girls were talking away as Katie helped Reba settle on her bed the girl's smile was radiant though..

_I promise I won't be a drag it's just my poor lungs are overworked right now_

_but once I rest I'll be okay [Reba]_

_don't worry about it sweetheart you couldn't be a drag even if u tried_

_your too dang cute..[me]_

_thanks but I know Cf is a real turn off [Reba]_

_I bet we've all said that about our own illness_

_but that's just dumb cause it's our mind what we do_

_we make the most of what we got [Ella]_

_it's only a turn off if u view it as one in other words? [Nazira]_

_yes! [Ella]_

_I like that [ Becky]_

_yea [Alicia]_

_you must be Payton? [Mandy]_

_yes _

The young girl shock our hands as she set her I-pod player on a desk

_do u mind? [Payton]_

_Na man feel free what you listen to? [Nazira]_

_anything as long as it's current [Payton]_

_sweet I love R/B and rap the 90's kicked it! [Nazira]_

Katie excused herself to go look for our last camper as the girls sat on their beds and talked and giggled I was exhausted .

A/N Kay so that little rap is mine if u couldn't tell by how much it sucked. Jamming to the real TLC when I wrote that. So yea anyway review would be wonderful but don't be rude" thanks 4 reading.


	12. Chapter 12 The Time Of Our Lives

**Time Of Our Lives**

_I have to pee are you okay? [Mandy]_

_yes I'm good [me]_

I didn't want her to see how tired I was she would just freak and tell Brandi who would call mom who would make me come home. Looking around to make sure no one had left anything out I smiled it was the perfect scene these girls were so adorable and so sweet and so eager to have fun..I should of known the storm was only brewing .. as I was doing inspections the door suddenly busted open and as I went over to see if someone needed help with their luggage I felt a freight train hit me hard in my stomach as I fell to my knees groaning..

_don't bother getting your stupid lame butt up_

_stay on the ground slut I want Selena as a counselor!_

_I don't know why I got stuck with your lying cheating ass but I want out _

_I only signed up to meet Selena I hate this room I hate these colors Ew and u _

_I hate u most of all!_

_What's your name? [me]_

Gritting my teeth as I got up I tried to remember my training and keep cool ..

_what are staring at bubble butt? _

Becky gasped Ella tried to approach her I held her behind me as I faced off with the girl who had to be our missing Joelynn ,

_like you really think I'm telling you your suppose to be the _

_counselor ain't u suppose to know this shit?[Joelynn]_

_Why don't u calm down I'm sorry that you don't like_

_me and I hope I can help change your mind_

_Selena and I are friends..[me]_

_yea right I ain't stupid why would I believe your lying chea..[Joelynn]_

_cause she hasn't done anything to you and the media_

_lies..[Alicia]_

_who asked you Gasper?[Joelynn]_

_We don't name call here [me]_

_we don't name call here [Jo mocking me]_

_what are we in kinder garden?_

_Who cares I'm out of here...[Joelynn]_

_wait sweetie why don't..[me]_

When I went to reach for her she whipped around and grabbed my arm with such force it took me to my knees gritting her teeth she growled at me..

_don't call me sweetie I'm not yours _

_and I'll leave when I want to _

_and I want to leave so..[Joelynn]_

I tried to twist out of her grasp the girls were gasping and yelling at her to let me go..

_leave her alone now let her go and _

_get in the room be quite or I swear [Mandy]_

_you swear what?[Joelynn]_

_You can't do nothing..to me..I have cancer [Joelynn]_

_big deal we all have some kind of disease or we wouldn't be here [Becky]_

_Joelynn stop right now [Katie]_

She spun around and grunted as Katie appeared in the doorway

_stop right now or I'll march you down to Mac's office and have _

_you shipped back home this afternoon you are lucky to be_

_here and you know it..[Katie]_

Mandy rushed over to me as I got up and rubbed my arm my stomach felt like it was on fire she must of felt my pain cause she put her arms around me and helped me over to our bed. Groaning I struggled not to vomit Mandy rubbed my back gently lifting my shirt up taking deep breaths I closed my eyes and laid back down …

_don't touch me! Let me go! _ _[Joelynn]_

_ow! [Katie]_

She fell as Joelynn kicked her hard and started screaming she came at us ripping off bed covers and going after Payton's i-pod who started crying Mandy quickly ran over and grabbed her arms holding her arms as she thrashed and tried to hit ..but Mandy held stern..

_calm down were not here to hurt you_

_just calm down you wanna go home?_

_Keep acting like this_

_and will send you _

_remember you can't learn if you resist us_

_I hear your really talented and that your whole town _

_loves you we would love to see that _

_talent take hold but you have to let us help you [Mandy]_

_get off of me! [Joelynn]_

She was calmer now so Mandy let her go and talked to her she didn't take off but she didn't say anything just grabbed her stuff and slammed it on the bed laying down she pulled the covers over her,

_leave me alone all of you losers..[Joelynn]_

The girls were shaking up so we tried to calm them down I put my arms around Ella who was shaking

_she hurt you ….[Ella]_

_nah man it'll take a lot more to hurt me I'm good [me]_

_are you sure? [Ella]_

_yes [me]_

_please don't cry I want you to have a good time [me]_

_I want to as well [Ella]_

_so why don't we say no more tears we won't let anything or anyone.._

_bring us down..[me]_

_okay there's always a sunny side right?[Ella]_

_yes [me]_

_where's Katie? [me]_

_she had some stuff to take care of she'll be back we should get ready for the bonfire..[Mandy]_

_yea I have to pee Mandy can you grab ..[me]_

_yea be right there..[Mandy]_

I was so glad she could read my mind and knew I needed her to check on my stomach but I didn't want to scare the kids ...the bottom half was covered in black and blue it looked so scary and felt sore..

_you need to go to the infirmary_

_and get checked out asap..[Mandy]_

_I'm so sore I don't think I can walk all the way there [me]_

_I'll get Brandi[Mandy]_

_no I ..[me]_

_you have to she's your sister she'll know..[Mandy]_

_true okay [me]_

The head Rn was Samantha Davis she looked to be about 38 or so, perky and sweet she bounced over and smiled

_hi what's your name_ ?

_Mil...e...y_ ..

I was gasping the pain was so bad Brandi was holding me up looking mad as hell the whole way she was cussing and threating to have the girl removed or dealt with. Her touch felt amazing so strong and yet so gentle. She helped me lay down take off my shirt as she explained what had happened. Sam looked a bit shocked and angry but she was very sympathetic as she checked me out..Brandi held my hand and talked to me..

_well I'm happy to report no internal injuries_

_just some bruising and a few broken ribs_

_you'll have to be careful for the next few days_

_so you don't aggravate anything but the muscles will heal_

_and by the end of the week you'll be fine.._

_what set her off? [Sam]_

_who knows but if she ever touches my sissy again_

_I'll take her down [Brandi]_

_some one should tell Mac about this [Sam]_

_Katie did [me]_

_she'll handle it I'm sure Mac's fair she wants everyone to have a good time_

_but to feel safe to [Sam]_

_how long have you worked here? [me].._

_4 years [Sam]_

_wow..all done? [Brandi]_

_Yes I am [Sam]_

Brandi helped me up just as we got up I heard a voice that sent shivers down my back..

_Miley are you okay?_

_What are you doing here? [Nick]_

_we had a little um trouble in my room [me]_

_are you okay? [nick]_

_yea g r e a..ah..[me]_

Getting up was not so easy even with my sis holding me up it hurt like hell..he looked very concern as he grabbed me to steady me ..his touch sent sparks throughout my body..which made me jump back I couldn't feel sparks for him when I was with Mandy and loved her..he looked like I had shocked him turning away

_I have to go just needed to check on my meds_

_I'm glad your okay [Nick]_

_yea thanks are you? [me]_

I knew how strict his diabetes was and was concerned

_I'm good just a precaution _

_I'll see you around [Nick]_

I wouldn't look up as he scurried away but I felt my face blush as well as my sister's eyes barring into my head..Brandi is polite enough not say anything she lets me make my own decisions even if she doesn't always agree.

_Ready? [Brandi]_

_ye...a..h.. ow..[me]_

She let me put my full weight on her as she lifted me up and we slowly made our way back upstairs.

Nick's p o v

Fear gripped me as I watched her walk away she could hardly stand what the hell had happened? Who had done that to her? Why hadn't Mandy protected her? I wanted to punch someone who would ever want to hurt someone as sweet as miles? I wanted to run to her and throw my arms around her but her indifference when I asked made me remember the words Noah had told me she said..I didn't want to believe it..we had been getting along so well..but why would Noie lie? Had Mandy turned her against me again? I never liked her sure she was gorgeous but she was too old for her a bad influence she sure as hell dropped Joe fast enough...I made it my mission this summer to win her back..no matter who or what.. Sam's voice snapped me back...

Miles pov

We had just gotten into the room when Mandy ran over and wrapped her arms around my shoulders Brandi held me around the waist as Katie ran over....

_are u okay? My god u look like she killed u! [Katie]_

_I feel like a Race car used me as a track [me]_

_can I lay down ?_

_Yea we have a few minutes till we have to go_

_to the bonfire u can stay here if u want to [Katie]_

_yea were going together so will have enough counselors [Lacey]_

_no I'll be okay [me]_

_u sure? [Chelsea]_

_yea where is the little..I mean where is Joelynn? [Brandi]_

_she's talking to Mac I think Mac said she'll be by to talk to u..[Katie]_

They helped me to settle on the bed it felt so amazing I wanted to sink into it and never get up...the girls were clustered around asking a million questions..

_Miss Miley are u going to be okay? [Ella]_

_I can't believe she did this will she hurt us to? [Payton]_

_no way baby we won't let that happen! [me]_

_I promise u as long as I'm here I'll protect u [me]_

_yea that's what were here for why don't we all settle down and get ready [Chelsea]_

_I hope she gets kicked out! [Alicia]_

_she better or I'll kick her [Nazira]_

_what happened? Did she break anything? [Becky]_

_yea a few ribs but I'll be okay I suffered through plenty_

_of pain and sickness on the road [me]_

_so who's excited about being here? [me]_

_I am!! [all]_

_I can't wait to kick butt! [Nazira] _

_so can someone answer me what were suppose to do?[Payton]_

_I was kind of confused sorry_

_that's okay sweetie another reason were here [me]_

_I thought it was to tell us what to do and make our lives miserable? [Alicia]_

_no that's what our parents are for! [Ella]_

The girls were soon dissolved into laughter when they settled down Lacey sat on my bed and explained again

_the idea of this is to raise awareness_

_about the camp by making a video to promote_

_us..everyone is assigned to either D.S or D,P will meet tomorrow_

_to work on idea's _

_will split into groups and each do our own 30 minute skits _

_it can be in any style a music video _

_a Broadway musical ,a movie a TV show whatever floats your boat_

_each team will have a captain in dance ,music ,acting _

_one person will be in charge of writing down the idea's _

_it's up to you guys to get sponsors however u can without lying or cheating or stealing_

_we can't help u in that _

_so if we accidentally got contacts from your phone or..[Ella]_

_ha ha remember to respect each other that includes and most of means_

_us counselors...[Chelsea]_

_ah shot [Nazira]_

_better cancel that $1,0000 commercial I had set up_

_on your card miles _

_huh? [me]_

I shot up as everyone laughed I glared but smirked

_at the last week of camp_

_the groups will come together and edit their video's into _

_one no more then 2 hours each._

_Then there'll be shown at a live telecast in front of three judges_

_the winners will be selected based on how many sponsors each team got and the quality_

_of the video..and how America votes_

_wow sounds huge! [Ella]_

_yes it is remember this is to save the camp_

_if we don't raise enough to cover the cost of this plus to pay the bills_

_will be shut down and I'm sure no one wants to see that!_

_No way!!!!!!![all]_

The girls were chatting excitedly as there was a knock on the door Katie jogged over and came back in with Mac who looked exhausted already dark circles lined her eyes and her checks looked sunken in she sighed as she came in..and sat by me her arms in circled me I sunk into her embrace smelling her iris perfume straight from Ireland

_I am so sorry miles I had no idea Joelynn was that violent_

_I would of never put her in here with new counselors if I had known_

_I talked to Sam don't worry about the medical bills_

_it's on me..[Mac]_

_no way I can afford it Mac mom and dad won't have a prob paying for me_

_I do miles u got hurt on my camp cause I invited her here [Mac]_

_Mac mom already said not to worry she's got it covered [Brandi]_

I knew there was no way she had talked to her already so she was lying to keep her from paying

_she also said she wasn't going to press charges so no worries there_

_just relax and __concentrate_ _on getting enough money raised_

_will worry about miles [Brandi]_

Mac still seemed unsure but she didn't push it any further

_I'm going to do some juggling and assign her another room_

_you'll have to get briefed _ _on what ever camper gets put in here then_

_no problem [Katie]_

_as long as Miley is safe that's the important part_

_she will be [Mac]_

_I have to go were starting in 10 minutes.._

_okay girls last chance to use the bathroom change whatever..[Lacey]_

On the way to the field where the bonfire was to be held we sung time of our lives

_Seems like we're holdin' on forever  
Just gotta let it go  
Times up,you pushed me to surrender  
(tonight..)  
Who knows,what happens now,whatever  
Wherever the wind blows  
And I'm there as long as we're together_

Alright..

Lets have the time of our lives  
Like there no one else around  
Just throw your hands up high  
Even when they try to take us down  
We'll have the time of our lives  
'Til the lights burn out  
Lets laugh until we cry  
Life is only what you make it now  
Lets have the time of our lives!  
(lives..lives..lives..)

Dreamers,don't care if its right  
I think I'm really into you  
Restless,lets leave it all behind  
(tonight..)  
Crazy,when you cross my mind  
Oh the trouble we could get into  
So what,lets just give this a try

Alright..

Lets have the time of our lives  
Like there no one else around  
Just throw your hands up high  
Even when they try to take us down  
We'll have the time of our lives  
'Til the lights burn out  
Lets laugh until we cry  
Life is only what you make it now  
Lets have the time of our lives!

What are we waitin' for?  
Take that chance  
Now's all we've got for sure

Lets have the time of our lives  
Like there no one else around  
Just throw your hands up high  
Even when they try to take us down  
We'll have the time of our lives  
'Til the lights burn out  
Lets laugh until we cry  
Life is only what you make it now  
Lets have the time of our lives

We clapped and did camp songs..the weather had cooled off but there was no breeze a perfect night the stars were shining so bright they sparkled ,Mandy slipped her arm through mine as we laughed walking along the winding path the field was already packed full of campers a huge area that was an out doors stage but where the bleachers were suppose to be was a huge pile of ready to be burned music filled the air as everyone was doing there thing on instruments or singing dancing it was so lively it almost made me forget the stabbing pain radiating through out my body. I was so engrossed in it all I didn't look ahead of me in till I was on the ground with a pressing weight on top of me and the sounds of

_Niley! Niley!_

_Kiss Niley Kiss niley!_

When I looked up I saw the eyes that I use to stare in for hours and imagine marrying someday..his breath was sweet against my checks which were flaming the color of red hot chili peppers by now..his arms had me pinned down and his body was tightly pressed against mine I could feel every part pressing..on me ..I couldn't speak heck I couldn't even breath ...

_Niley! Niley!_

_Kiss Niley Kiss niley!_

Those were the words ringing through my head as I felt his lips start to connect with mine...

A/N As if u didn't know time of our lives is by miles...


	13. Chapter 13 That Was Us

**That Was Us**

_Kiss Niley!_

_Niley! Niley!_

The echo's of the kids ring in the air as I felt his warm breath tickling my checks leaving me speechless his lips were inches away from mine sending pulse waves through out my whole body .I wanted him to kiss me but I couldn't make the first move I was so scared and I loved Mandy I would never cheat on her ever..

_Miley..I'm sorry [Nick]_

His voice wavered but there was a hint of anger to it like he really wasn't sorry he was just saying this to make me believe it. I suddenly felt very trapped like it was planned. My face felt hot and I was sweating ,anxious ..

_Get off of me please Nick..[me]_

_miles don't fight me u know u want to kiss me..[nick]_

_you know you can't escape what we had_

_try to remember please miley_

_stop! [me]_

_you can't do this Nick u can't come back into my life and_

_expect it all to be the same_

_I did everything for you I tried to change _

_who I was to please you but I can't_

_I have to be who I am_

_now get off me_

_were over you made sure of that_

_now leave me alone![me]_

_what's going on here? [Selena]_

His arms were wrapped around me holding me close as I tried to get up he held me firm .I felt his eyes checking me out...

_Nickolas! _ [Selena]

_oh my god!_

_what the heck! [Selena]_

_Miley! [Selena]_

_Kiss niley! Kiss niley! [Kids]_  
_Kiss her! [Kids]_

The kids were cheering like crazy calling us by our couple name that the fans and paps had dubbed us when we were together. the boys were hooting and howling as they clapped the girls giggling and whispering..

_He's so dreamy! Kiss me Nick!_

_Miley don't be a fool kiss him!_

_Nick don't cheat on Selena!_

_She's hot!_

_No way he belongs with Miley!_

_Whew! Oh la la_

_Nick and Miley in a tree_

_k. i. s .s. i. n g_

_first comes love.._

_Enough kids stop! [Mac]_

Mac came over and stood between everyone

_everyone calm down Nickolas let her up [Mac]_

_aw man I was just wearing her down...[Nick]_

He got up dusting himself off as I lay there still confused and speechless as he walked off the guys were all patting him on the back like he was some war hero..Selena went after him yelling...it made me mad so mad I felt tears threating behind my eye lashes..

_u okay hon?[Mandy]_

She offered her hand to me .I nodded not trusting my voice was that all I meant to him? Some kind of conquest? I felt Mandy wrap her arms over my shoulders and pull me close I wanted to break down right then as I buried my face in her chest sniffling she rubbed my back whispering to me

_don't let him break you baby u are so much more_

_then a prize to be won_

_your beautiful, smart and the sweetest_

_girl I have ever had the privileged to meet_

_Nick isn't worth your tears he wasn't then he's sure as hell not now_

_please don't cry I love you I will always be here[Mandy]_

Finally I stopped sniffling and started breathing slower her hand continuously rubbed my back she smelled amazing her chest was beating strong and calmed me down.

_She's right Miss Miley u know [Alicia]_

_please call me Miles u don't have to call _

_me miss were the same age sweetie[me]_

_I know but mama always raised us to respect _

_everyone [Alicia]_

_yea I was raised that way to and I give u my permission_

_to call me Miles or Miley kay? [me]_

_okay cool! [Alicia]_

_Miley you should listen to Mandy if a guy doesn't respect_

_you don't waste your time your too sweet [Ella]_

_aw you are so nice thanks Ella [me]_

_your welcome ! [Ella]_

_can we grab a seat I'm cold [Payton]_

_okay yea wow so am I [Mandy]_

I snuggled closer to her to warm her up as I grabbed Payton and Ella. We headed to the bonfire which wasn't lit yet and gathered around

_wow it's freaking packed how _

_many are camping this year?[Payton]_

_over 500 I think [me]_

_more like 650 I believe [Lacey]_

_miles! [Brandi]_

_feels like it's been so long since we've been together! [Brandi]_

_I know right! [me]_

My eyes seemed to be destined to follow to where he was laughing and talking with his kids and his brothers his eyes connected with mine...it brought me back to old times and I wondered how we had drifted so far apart? Kids were doing free jams so I turned to Mandy and whispered the song I wanted to do ..we started kids joined in..

_I tried to change  
I tried everything  
Like headlights in the rain  
Drifting back again  
Somewhere out there  
Gathered in the dust  
Sometimes I can't remember that was us  
__  
There was a time for reason  
A place for every season  
Times I couldn't run away  
From you  
I can't believe it's morning  
I can't believe it's pouring  
Should I leave you here  
__And run away_

I want to change  
I'll try anything  
I wanted you so bad  
It nearly drove me mad  
Somewhere out there  
Gathered in the dust  
Sometimes I can't remember that was us

Better now than never  
Better late than forever  
I never meant to waste your time  
It doesn't seem to matter  
Maybe nothing really matters  
Long enough to break it all away

Somewhere out there  
Gathered in the dust  
Sometimes I can't remember  
Sometimes I can't remember 

_that was us_

Nick heard us he turned and stared at me his eyes flashed a million different emotions..he started over towards me and I tensed maybe that was a bad idea for a song. Swallowing I looked away...what was he going to say?

Song by .com/lyrics/alexz_johnson_lyrics_4425/

from Instant Star


	14. Chapter 14 May The Road Rise To Meet You

**May The Road Rise To Meet You**

Nick started over to me my breathing increased as Brandi came up and Joe grabbed Nick shaking his head at him Nick looked pissed and tried to shake him off as Brandi and I hugged laughing as we took a quick check around to count our girls and settled down on the logs .Nazira met up with Tanya and Cassie who were all checking out boys Ella was talking to Payton and Alicia and Becky were sharing a water and looking for old friends..no sign of Joelynn and I was strangely disappointed .I knew the girl was hurting and I wanted to help but I could do without the hurting myself. Everyone was in good spirits laughing and joking as the music suddenly stopped I looked up to see that Mac had taken the stage she was dressed in a traditional Irish Dance Dress it was gorgeous stopping just above her knees it was black with a full skirt that had purple and yellow Celtic crosses entwined with patches of white the crosses went all the way up to her neck down her sleeves she had on the traditional hard shoes her hair was up in full ringlets and she was in traditional makeup. As she stepped up everyone found their seats and a hush fell over all of us night had quickly descended and with it came a soft wind. She cleared her throat and began

_first off I wanted to thank everyone who came out to help_

_this summer you are all so incredible to give up your time _

_I know all of you juggled your lives to be _

_able to make it here and so on behalf of myself_

_and the rest of No Illusions a huge Thank you_

_and of course I'm sure all these amazing talented young people who _

_have the opportunity to work with you also would like to say.._

She let it out in the open and they took the chance to yell and hoot I grinned it was moments like this that made the difference..when everyone had settled she re started

_As many of you may of guessed I'm Irish_

_no way I thought you liked to dress like a freak! [some kid]_

_ha ha Jimmy I'll remember that one! [Mac]_

_hey as long as you remember me baby!_

He pumped up his fist cheering the guys pounded his back

_hey never said there was anything wrong with being a little _

_freaky it's okay by me baby! I like freaky !_

More howls and groans filled the air Mac took it in all good naturally laughing and joking till he had sat down grinning.

_Okay now that that is out of our system_

_anyone else?_

She waited a few more gave shout outs and laughed but it settled quickly

_Well for those who don't know _

_My name is Mackenzie Shannan_

_I'm 16 and I am the founder creator and co-owner of _

_Camp N' ill _

_I wanted a place where kids can learn_

_to do what they love and use it in their _

_futures but not just any kid could come here_

_only kids who had truly fought to get there kids like all of _

_you who have known suffering and pain isolation_

_who have fought for not just the chance to live out their _

_dreams but to live another day each and every day always_

_wondering _

"_will I live to see tomorrow?"_

_will I live to see my dreams fulfilled?_

_Is it worth it?_

_All this sweat and hard work for a future I might not have?_

_All of you have answered yes_

_or you wouldn't be here_

_through whatever adversities you were given you never gave up_

_and for that I applaud you but I'm also here to say_

_that don't think that cause you made this far that you've made it _

_cause you ain't the hard work is only just about to began_

_starting tomorrow you will be tested like you've never been tested _

_before to the _

_breaking point sweat tears blood it'll own you_

_it's up to u if it controls you or if u control it_

_dance ,music, acting work shops_

_it's all expected of you I don't expect _

_experts and I don't want experts_

_that's why we have our staff I want hard work I want dedication_

_but I want y'all to have fun! _

_Make friends expand your horizons_

_and make memories cause through out all of this _

_I want you to be able to take a break from your daily worries_

_of your diseases and fears _

_but remember to take care of yourselves _

_cause as performers we _

_strive for perfection at all cost but for _

_all of you I'm sure you all are aware_

_that there are some costs that are just to high_

_Every year we start off camp in the same way_

_the Irish are strong on traditions_

_and I wanted to keep that spirit in the seasons of camp_

_like us St. Patrick had to over come struggles_

_he was born in either Wales or Scotland it has never been known for sure which_

_when he was about 15 or 16 he was captured _

_and enslaved by Irish chieftains_

_he spent years tending to sheep's and swine during_

_that time he turned his life over to god_

_legend has it he escaped captivity after a dream _

_in which god instructed him to _

_travel to the Irish coast where he found a _

_ship and was reunited with his family._

_He studied for years to become a priest so he could help others_

_he claims in dreams the voice_

_of the Irish people called to him_

_calling out _

" _crying to thee, come hither and _

_come walk with us once more"_

_it was then he began a impossible mission to travel all _

_through out Ireland to baptizing and perching_

_ordaining pretests and minsters he angered many _

_churches and earned many threats to his life_

_for he was disrupting the ways of their work _

_but he never quit many today still_

_believe he is the reason most of Ireland is catholic _

_there also a legend he drove all the snacks _

_out of the land..so here today we honor him_

_his dedication and the spirit of the land_

_Ireland is set on some of the most amazing greenery you will ever see [Zoe]_

_we bring this to you in good spirits for the hope of a brighter longer lasting tomorrow_

She dropped a handful of pure Irish Turf Peat into the huge pile of bogs imported from Ireland they were thicker then the wood we use , Rian and Alexia came out dressed as leprechauns holding torches

they stood by Mac

_as in tradition we ask all thee campers who are _

_returning to step up with the bag of turf_

_please make single file lines counselors will guide you_

Quietly the kids stood and did as Mac had said some kids I saw had more then one bag I wondered but didn't want to break the silence once the lines were assembled Zoe took over speaking. I saw Mac sit on the side gulping water she looked hot and sweaty a Rn was checking her over feared seized me as Zoe talked..

_and so we began in remembrance of the old year we say_

_Slán. [goodbye]_

_In preparations for the new year yet to began we say_

_Haileo __Dia dhaoibh [ hello god be with you]_

_now may I have the first camper._

Slowly the kids started to move each solemnly emptying their bags into the pile of bogs as a band of kids behind Mac started to play traditional Irish music , Mac herself looked worn out but was putting on a brave face, she got up in the middle and started singing..

_Summertime - the sun would shine  
We'd lay across the field  
Sheltered in the shadow of a tree  
We'd write our poems to take along  
to sing out on the road  
And you would always sing this song to me._

_May the road rise to meet you,  
May the wind be always at your back.  
May the sun shine warm upon your face,  
The rains fall soft upon your fields.  
And until we meet again,  
May God hold you in the palm of his hand._

As she looked around a girl about the age of 12 stopped and emptied her bag and another when she did she looked up to the heavens and to Mac and said softly..

_This is for my friend Katie Lorahran who went home_

_to god this may she rest in peace I miss you _

She turned with unshed tears in her eyes and sat down her friends put their arms around her shoulders as the line went on a Erie chill went through me . I had wondered ,I had found out and I couldn't help but wish I hadn't..

Mac started to sing again as they went on..

_May God be with you and bless you:  
May you see your children's children.  
May you be poor in misfortune,  
Rich in blessings.  
May you know nothing but happiness  
From this day forward. _

As they went on a few more paid respects to fallen friends.. a young boy about 8 stood up and sprinkled his contents into the burning ambers which crackled and danced as to reach out it's branches to the boy for support

_this is for Patrick McDermott_

_who went home to be with god last summer _

_Wait for me boy I miss u. ..someday will meet again.._

He looked at Mac who reached down and squeezed his hands her voice never faltering as she kept on.

_Autumn leaves would change our trees  
to colors on the ground  
Swirling patterns beautiful to see  
I'd lay my head down on your lap  
I wouldn't make a sound  
And you would always sing this song to me. _

_May the road rise up to meet you  
May the wind be always at your back  
May the warm rays of sun fall upon your home  
And may the hand of a friend always be near._

May green be the grass you walk on,  
May blue be the skies above you,  
May pure be the joys that surround you,  
May true be the hearts that love you.

Her voice was rich in emotions and in full Irish melody..

At the end each kid stood up holding hands and sang with her

_May the road rise up to meet you  
May the wind be always at your back  
May the warm rays of sun fall upon your home  
And may the hand of a friend always be near._

May green be the grass you walk on,  
May blue be the skies above you,  
May pure be the joys that surround you,  
May true be the hearts that love you.


	15. Chapter 15 Forever Young

**FOREVER YOUNG**

Then as we all stood and sang Rian and Zoe came out and lit the fire..which started small and slow but as we stood to gather around it counselors started to add more peat and more bogs and gasoline .soon the fire was roaring and the people began to mingle and talk Mandy ran her hand over my back as we got up Mac ,Alexia and Zoe started the procession of Irish dancers the music changed to a faster melody. I found myself clapping and cheering as they jumped and spun. Forming a line there were about 10 of them all preforming the most amazing moves with smiles on their faces 3 or 4 of them were clapping as their legs criss crossed and came undone then they kicked and tapped ..after they finished everyone stood to applaud expect Joelynn who sat sullen in the far corner hat pulled over her head Mac gave a short thank you and announced she would be teaching lessons in Irish dance in the studio three days a week for those who wanted to take them a lot of kids cheered..then she introduced all the dancers and declared it open mic..kids started to spill on stage and began to do their thing.

I wandered over to where Selena and Demi were both grinned Demi hugged me

_hey babe are u okay I heard what happened![Demi]_

_thanks I'm good so how are you liking it? [me]_

_oh good I got some real dolls in my room,_

_yea we love it so far and Chelsea's a dream counselor [Selena]_

_yea we have 3 kids_

_how about you? [Demi]_

_7 I think [me]_

_why so many? [Selena]_

_I think cause Mandy's older they believe we can handle more_

_but it's sweet we have some peaches [me]_

_yea and a sour apple ..[Demi]_

_ha ha so true so not nice either Dem..[me]_

_whoops sorry ...[Demi giggling]_

_hey Sel about before..[me]_

_don't sweat it I know u bumped into each other _

_Nick explained it all [Selena]_

_were cool miles [Selena]_

_thanks..[me]_

We hugged and talked for hours I felt bad for her she had no idea how Nick was really acting what he was saying but I wasn't going to be that girl that told her. I was enjoying the sounds of camp life kids laughing a fire burning and roasting marshmallows ,hot dogs Demi and I were splitting a hot dog ,soda while Selena tried to roast a marshmallow which kept slipping making us laugh just as Mac came on stage and things got quite we looked up and I watched as she went to the Mic wordlessly picking it up and starting to say..

_wow looks like camp has started and is going better then I can imagine_

_but we have to bring tonight to a close so we can get rest _

_after the fire is out I want the counselors to line up _

_and will give you ashes from the fire_

_to bring back next year_

_the counselors will give out the bags _

_to kids in their rooms_

_hold onto them when u come back next year_

_will scatter them in the fire as we did this year_

_I also want to tell everyone that this isn't just a job to me_

_I know what it feels like to hurt to be lonely_

_to hope even when there's no hope _

_to dream and long for those dreams to come true_

_but fear I won't live long enough_

_so please don't be afraid _

_to come to me if u need to talk _

_my door's always open..this goes for everyone_

_never be afraid to dream.._

As soon as she stopped she took a sip of water she was sweating like crazy but she started to sign and I was memorized by her voice and the words of her song....

_let's dance in style  
let's dance for a while_

_  
_Selena demi and I ran up and started singing with her as she motioned for those of us who were Disney. Nick Kevin and Joe came up shyly it felt amazing to be up there doing what I love...the words got to me to..

_heaven can wait we're only watching the sky  
hoping for the best but expecting the worst[Selena]  
are you gonna drop the bomb or not  
let us die young or let us live forever [me]  
don't have the power but we never say never  
sitting in the sandpit [demi]  
life is a short trip [all]  
music's for the sad man_

As we kept singing and looking at each other we started to dance as TBA came up as did Brandi Emily,Mitchel,Moises, Deb,Jennifer,Zoe, Rian, Alexia. Noah..we all mingled as we sang and danced

_  
can you imagine when this race is run  
turn our golden faces into the sun  
praisin our leaders, getting in tune  
the music's played by the mad men  
forever young, I want to be forever young [me]  
do you really want to live forever, [Demi Selena,Mandy]  
forever, forever [all]  
forever young, I want to be forever young [Me,Mac]  
do you really want to live forever, [all]  
forever, forever  
some like water and some are like the heat,[Selena]  
some are melodies, some are the beat,[Mac,Dominique,Laura,]  
sooner or later they'll all be gone, [Mandy, Demi]  
why don't they stay out [Zoe,Rian, Alexia]  
it's hard to get on without a cause,[Me ,Mac]  
I don't want to perish like a fading voice,[Me ,Mac]  
youth is like diamonds in the sun,[Noah]_

_diamonds are forever_

Diamondz cheered and clapped making a lot of people laugh as Noah sung that line

_  
so many adventures couldn't happen today [all]  
so many songs we forgot to play  
so many dreams swinging out of the blue  
left to come true  
forever young, I want to be forever young, [me]  
do you really want to live forever [Emily, Brooke,,Mitchel,Moises,]  
forever, forever [all]_

Selena and Emily grabbed my hands and spun me I landed next to Mandy who had the biggest smile on her face as we bumped hips and sung to each other everyone was clapping for us as we rocked it out..Mandy ,Dominique,

Laura, Noreen, Brooke were dancing and grabbing hands spinning each other they were in perfect sync and she was so happy a huge smile on her face she loves the stage I put all my power into it..nick's eyes meet mine and in that moment I felt connected..

_  
forever young, I want to be forever young  
do you really want to live forever[Brooke,Noreen]  
forever, forever [All]  
forever young, I want to be forever young  
do you really want to live forever,  
forever, forever  
forever young, I want to be forever young  
do you really want to live forever,  
forever, forever..._

As we left stage I felt a chill Mandy ran her hands over my arms and wrapped her arms over my shoulders as she put a sweater over me

_what's wrong?[Mandy]_

_I got a chill [me]_

_it's 76 out here and a fire is glowing [Mandy]_

_not that kind of chill a bad premonition like this year is _

_going to be the last I can ..I don't know like it's trying to tell me_

_make the most of the time you have cause ..[me]_

_it's the night the ritual I mean this time next_

_year not all these kids will be here_

_relax let it go baby were young and_

_healthy will be back [Mandy]_

She kissed my head and lead me off stage.Long after lights out as I lay there in Mandy's arms watching her sleep I thought about that song and it's meaning.

Early the next morning Mandy and I got up and went for a early morning jog, the crisp mountain air filled my lungs and pumped me up as our legs pounded the pavement making them work harder and faster. Jogging next to her we stayed quite but her presences calmed me down we went 7 miles before we realized how far we went and stopped laughing we ended up on a bridge over looking a lake before the chapel our breaths were coming fast and hard as we tried to laugh but the cold air was making it hard she looked stunning even without makeup her smile made me melt as she shivered holding her hands in her pockets as she jumped up and down trying to get warm and yes I watched a few parts in particular which made me smile brighter. She saw me and quickly shoved me laughing her eyes glowing.

_Sick pervert eyes up..[Mandy]_

She picked my chin up making me blush

_What hey I'm human sue me [me]_

_say it to loud someone might again [Mandy]_

_ha ha yea maybe I should be quite [me]_

_yea I can think of a way to shut you up..[Mandy]_

_well I won't stop ya' [me]_

She kissed me after we looked around to make sure we were alone at 5am...

Just as we pulled apart we heard leaves crunching and scurried apart as Katie came through with Josh and Jeff we smiled and they meet up with us. We jogged back the rest of the way.

Getting seven girls up is not an easy task and as the days have commenced we've gotten into a routine .I usually get Ella ,Nazaria and Alicia up while Mandy takes care of Joelynn and Becky Katie the others up..it usually starts with Joelynn cussing us out and slamming the bathroom door hogging it. She refused to clean up after herself or share the bathroom. The other girls were constantly hurrying to get to classes cause of her when we tried to intervene she cussed and kicked.

Once the girls were up and we had dressed we went down to the cafeteria to get breakfast, the mouth watering foods made my stomach growl..Emily and Mandy laughed as Mandy rubbed my stomach doing her bunny voice

_aw someone's tummy is beggin for some nummy _

_is she a little crabby...[Mandy]_

_shut up you are so silly [me]_

I was laughing like crazy as I shoved her out of the way. She grabbed me and tickled me. We grabbed our trays and went to sit with Selena and Demi and the rest of TBA.

After we ate we had the girls clean up and escorted them to their activities then I went to see Mac. Mandy had signed up to teach a dance class three days a week ,I was happy for her I know she misses dancing on a regular basses. When I got to her secretary Bianca's desk she sent me right up Mac has a private elevator that takes you right up to her office Bianca just has to buzz you in and push the unlock button to open the elevator. As I rode up I tried to go over in my mind what I wanted to say to her that I wanted to help Joelynn but I didn't want to jeopardize my career or health to do it. Leaning against the wall I took a few deep breaths to clear my head. When the doors opened it lead me straight into her office which was surrounded by glass windows over looking the whole camp in the back of her chair .I could see straight into the dance class Mandy was teaching I saw her helping a student lift her leg into a high arabesque position seeing her gave me strength as I pushed myself forward Mac was at her desk a million papers scattered over it as she was talking on two different phone calls one in English fast paced giving out orders the other in Gaelic which I didn't understand a word of it but she sounded angry and determined to get her way. As she was talking she was signing papers and filing. I was getting dizzy watching her hanging up she jumped up and buzzed Bianca picking up a stack of folders she talked to Bianca quickly telling her she had a bunch to be filed and then grabbed a second bunch and placed them in a drawer. After a minutes she turned to me..

_Sorry about that it was long over due I had to get them done_

_what's on your mind Miles? _

_I bet it has something to do with our dear sweet_

_Joelynn? [ Mac]_

_yea well sweet isn't a word I would choice for her but sure_

_what's going to be done about her? [me]_

_well I just got off the phone with Rachel she is _

_still trying to juggle a room switch for us_

_sorry it's taking so long it's just cause _

_it's the first full day of this camp session_

_and with the competition it's a little fuzzy [Mac]_

_oh no problem [me]_

_Rachel is making it her top priority today _

_and we will have a room switch _

_by tonight I wanted to ask you though _

_Miles to please give her some help_

_she's had a rough life and she's acting out _

_I'm not excusing her behavior but try to_

_remember what it was like to be her age.._

_she has special issues we need to meet [Mac]_

_yea I will do that..thanks Mac [me]_

As I left I was beginning to wonder if this was a good idea. As I walked into the room where we were meeting our teams for our project those doubts melted away as I heard ..the soft giggling of our girls pouring in through the door back from their morning classes

_oh my gosh did u see that move Miss. Shelly _

_showed us today she looked so graceful I can't wait till I"m old_

_enough to do moves like that!_

_I want to do pointe so bad!_

_Hey Miss. Miley _

_hey Alicia what did I say about calling me Miss?_

_Don't..[she giggled]_

_exactly and your still doing it..[me]_

_sorry mama always said I was hard headed_

_well lets use that hard head and put it to good use_

_everyone settle down please and find a seat_

_were waiting for our other two groups to arrive_

Just as I said this of course in came one of them in mixture's of singing and talking and giggling. I squeaked and ran as I saw Chelsea and Selena come in

_ah were in the same group! [Selena]_

_yay! [me]_

_so were waiting for another group [Selena]_

_well wait no more were here let the party began! [Nick]_

I groaned why me? Seriously what did I do ,who did I piss off in a former life to deserve this now every where I turned he was there in my face..there was a smile on his face as he saw me rolling my eyes...where was Mandy when I needed her? Nick looked at me with his gorgeous eyes staring deep into me his curly brown hair hanging over his eyes he was with one of his boys walking towards me as he flipped a baseball to him the boy looked to be about 12 with a mass of red curly hair and freckles lining his pale face his green eyes sparkled as he laughed and flipped the ball back to him..four other boys followed wrestling each other ..

_wow it's about time you got here _

_who dragged your lazy butt out of bed?[me]_

_ha ha Miley! No one you can't believe I just enjoy_

_being here so much that I leaped out of bed? [Nick]_

_no..[me and Selena]_

_what is this gang up on nick day?[Nick]_

_ha ha no that's every day [me]_

I flashed him a smile and he grinned brushing some curls out of his face touching him made me feel hot all over and a million emotions ran through my head he grabbed my hand and held it I gasped he pulled me close and looked at me my body shivered.

_You will be mine miles I promise you [nick]_

_you made a million promises Nickolas how _

_am I suppose to believe this one when u broke all your _

_others? [me]_

_besides your with Sel now I'm not the_

_kind of girl who cheats on someone _

_or steals someone else's bf_

_don't think for one second I am either [me]_

_what are you two whispering about? [Selena]_

_Nick thinks were wrong about him [me]_

_about what?_

_That he's a lazy bum! [me]_

_I am not! [Nick]_

_yes you are! [his boys]_

_oh out ganged! Out numbered! [Me. Selena]_

_ha ha that sucks! That hurts to deep_

_u fellas just remember who can shape your careers and who_

_can short sheet you [Nick]_

_bring it on ! [boys]_

_oh considered it brought! [Nick]_

_will help ya boys! [Joe] _

_Nice Bro [Nick]_

_okay everyone we need to get to work [Katie]_

_everyone settle down_

_lets do a round of introductions [Chelsea]_

_okay [all]_

My girls introduced themselves expect Joelynn who just waved her middle finger we gasped Katie went over and yanked her hat above her eyes

_hey!_ [Joelynn]

_I told you before watch your language_

_that includes jesters [Katie]_

_so sue me [Joelynn]_

_keep talking you'll get your wish[me]_

_shut your face bitch [Joelynn]_

_Joelynn! Stop! [Katie]_

_leave me alone![Joelynn]_

She got up and stomped across the room and threw herself onto the couch we exchanged looks with each other and let out a sigh of every emotion possible. Nick's boys introduced themselves there was Kyle who was 14 he had a dark brown crew cut with huge brown eyes and he was tall and lanky..olive skin..then there was 13 year old Alex who was short with hazel eyes and the best smile he looked so sweet like a big chocolate marshmallow he was laughing over something Kyle had said..then there was the red headed kid nick was still playing with his name was Danny he was doing wheelies in his wheel chair as his mate Eric laughed. Eric had light blond hair and blue eyes he was tall and built. We started to plan out our event...

_does anyone have idea's? [me]_

_yea we should do like a play [Alicia]_

_no a video there hot [nazira]_

_no way lame we need to do something unique [Becky]_

_like what? [kyle]_

_oh I know we should do like a news report special [Alex]_

_you know on the lives of celebrities and ..[Danny]_

_you mean like expose thing? [Becky]_

_yea wow I like that! [Alicia]_

_but we need something more! [Nazira]_

_like what? [Me]_

_we should do some stories intertwined [Ella]_

_any idea's? [Katie]_

They started tossing out idea's we stood back and watched laughing and joking as they argued and threw popcorn

but finally reached a decision..

_we could have nick playing a reporter who falls_

_for the Celebrity he's following _ ..[Eric]

_yea that should be Miley![Izzy]_

I heard Nick laugh as Selena and I looked at each other like w t f? Izzy was one of her and Chelsea's girls tall with slickly blond hair and almost almond colored eyes she was gorgeous .I knew little about her other then she had a rare form of cancer and she was from England so she had little knowledge of what went on with celebrities over here she went to a private boarding school and was a model since she was 2.

_oh what about Selena?[Callie]_

_yea that would be cruel she's dating him! [Lou]_

_so that's in real life this is on screen! [Callie]_

_so why put them together Selena should play the celeb![Lou]_

_why miley is bigger! [Callie]_

_okay enough girls [Chelsea]_

_will decide who plays who just work on parts [Katie]_

The kids sighed but agreed

_So besides a reporter and a celeb what else do we need?_

_Well will need a plot as to where these _

_two are what characters will need [Alicia]_

_how does camp fit into all this? [Chelsea]_

_keep that in mind we need to fit that in [Ella]_

_Well ...oh I know_

_they go to the same high school_

_he's a undercover reporter for a newspaper_

_and he's sent there to do a story on her [Becky]_

_oh but..she has friends who start to think they would be a _

_good couple.[Amy]_

_so they fix them up but he wants to keep it a _

_secret cause he doesn't want his cover _

_blown [kyle]_

_yea but he starts to fall for her_

_so they start to date and _

_someone blows their cover [Danny]_

_so they run away and end _

_up taking shelter at a camp_

_for kids like us..[Payton]_

_sweet I like it! [Ella]_

_what format should it be in? [Reba]_

_well why don't we mix it up [Payton]_

_you mean like depending on what _

_character is telling it? [Alicia]_

_yea I like that [Ella]_

_awesome job guys! [Nick]_

A/N Forever young sung by Ella look her up on I-tunes awesome song sweet voice.


	16. Chapter 16 Deeper

**DEEPER**

We spent the next few days planning things out Mac had come through and transferred Joelynn to Dawn's room

so my life got a lot easier but I felt disappointed like some how I failed her wasn't it my job to help her..if it wasn't then why was I here? Things had been so crazy ,I had barely had time to breath between planning this thing out hustling the girls to classes helping them with their routines taking care of their apportionments for meds and checkups going to the stables for rides ,Mandy and I had little time to be together but we made time to sneak off and steal kisses always worried someone would catch us..it left me all breathless but finally one day I had time myself so I grabbed a stack of magazines and laid down on my bed with my laptop and started writing some e-mails lately I had sucked at writing people back my parents had been sending loads of messages ..I started with my mom..

_Dear momma _

_hi I'm so sorry that I wasn't writing back_

_but life has been so crazy here I think that I am starting_

_to settle down these girls are amazing so sweet and so talented!_

_It brings me back to when I was a little girl dreaming and hoping_

_I want to help them so bad! But I'm afraid what can I do?_

_I'm only 16 and I'm just a girl_

_I know you will tell me to hang on that I can do anything if I believe so _

_that's what I am doing..having Brandi and Mandy here helps me but I miss u and daddy_

_so much I can't wait to see you... please never ever think that just cause I haven't written does not mean I _

_don't love you cause I do so much!_

_tell Mammie and Braz I said I love them and miss them_

_talk to u soon momma love u.._

_love Miley!_

After I finished I started flipping through the magazines I had to laugh as I saw a huge article about Nick, Kevin and Joe..reading it I started to remember why I fell for him in the first place and it made me miss him and wish we could still have that time ..now..when we were innocent and trusted each other but things had changed. Some how I fell asleep during the reading ...when I woke up sunlight was streaming through the window across my back making me feel warm and sleepy like I could lay here forever...a sudden noise scared me the toilet flushing as the door opened and Mandy came through the door..

_hi my god you scared me! [me]_

_sorry [Mandy]_

_u alright baby? Why you back so early? [me]_

_u look pale and your sweating like crazy [me]_

I went over to her she had on black stretch pants and a white t-shirt that stopped above her belly button she was pale and looked like she was shaking immediately I was worried as I hugged her feeling her heart racing like crazy.

_Think I got a stomach virus sorry I wasn't expecting anyone in here_

_barely made it in time [Mandy]_

She laughed softly as I ran my hand over her face she felt feverish but she was shivering so I pulled her over to the bed and made her take off her shoes …

_it's my turn to take care of you honey..[me]_

_now lay down and let me take care of you..[me]_

_yes ma'am when you put it that way who can resists [Mandy]_

_no one that's the point..._

Grabbing the blankets I wrapped them around her grabbed a thermometer which we had 10 of and took her temp

_102.2 I'll make you feel cooler baby_

Ringing out a damp wash cloth I went over and helped her take off her shirt she moaned as I made her sit up throwing it to the side .I let her lean against me her warm skin tingled as her bare shoulder touched my cool skin running the wash cloth over her body. I took her amazing features in and once again counted my blessings at how lucky I was to have her. The cloth seemed to help her relax and she settled back closing her eyes I ran it all over her upper half and her arms as I sung to her softly her face looked pinched in pain..her breathing heavy..without wasting time I grabbed a bucket just as she heaved and threw up gagging rubbing her back and her neck. I held her hair back as she coughed and kept gagging. Finally after vomiting five or six times she rinsed her mouth out and laid back exhausted..brushing her hair out of her face and running the wash cloth over her I rubbed her body relaxing her ..

_I hate seeing you sick baby it makes me mad_

_I never want you to hurt [me]_

She chuckled a little a sound I loved as I cuddled with her taking off my shirt

_that's the funny or unfunny thing about loving someone_

_you want it to be pain free and care free _

_but when you love someone_

_there's bound to be pain cause love _

_always feels good till it hurts [Mandy]_

_so why do we fall in love then? [me]_

I ran my fingers over her arms she embraced me settling her head on my chest.

_Cause without love life is meaningless_

_life is all about learning and growing and to do that_

_we all must deal with a little rain_

_it's the just and unjust life isn't always fair_

_but we can't run ..well we can.._

_but to get to the rainbow _

_we must deal with the rain.._

_oh..my tummy..[Mandy]_

I rubbed her back but she didn't vomit just gagged settling back she placed her head back on my chest..

_the dry heaving is the worse ...makes my mouth so ..dry..[Mandy]_

_[_we chuckled_]_

_now we know why it's called dry heaving huh? [me]_

_yea I was good with not knowing..[Mandy]_

_I can help you regain feeling in that beautiful mouth of yours.._

I didn't wait for her to answer just leaned in and kissed her fully on her mouth tasting her sweet cherry lip gloss

she responded weakly but with such passion I didn't notice.

_Shh baby u shouldn't..[Mandy]_

_why? I love u I wanna make u feel better..[me]_

Placing a finger to her lips to try to silence her didn't work very well she gently grabbed my finger

_it's too risky I don't want u to get ...[Mandy]_

_it's my risk to take and I want to take it_

_life is all about risks and not_

_letting the fear control you [me]_

Without waiting for her to say another protest I crashed my lips into hers and tasted her as her mouth slowly stopped fighting and embraced mine her lips moving in one with mine as I moaned I gently placed her on her back crawling on top as I eagerly awaited. A song played on the radio that once again matched what I was feeling perfectly..

_If we don't talk  
That's okay  
Cause I hear everything  
That you say  
You got my heart to mend to you  
A hole that hurts inside  
It shows  
And you can't hide  
But if we open up  
We'll break through_

You and I go deeper  
Down below where no one sees it  
When you close your eyes  
And just believe it  
You and I go deeper  
Where every thing's unspoken  
And the world seems so wide open  
To me now

You got broken once before  
Closed your heart up  
And said no more  
We were trying not to fall  
Afraid of letting go  
Wait until we know now

You and I go deeper  
Down below where no one sees it  
When you close your eyes  
And just believe it  
You and I go deeper  
Where every thing's unspoken  
And the world seems so wide open  
To me now

And the morning shines much better to me  
Somehow, maybe this can last forever  
If we feed off what we feel  
And you love me like I know you will

You and I go deeper  
Down below where no one sees it  
When you close your eyes  
And just believe it  
You and I go deeper  
Where every thing's unspoken  
And the world seems so wide open  
To me now

When she fell asleep I went to use the bathroom and noticed the door was open which it hadn't been before..strange I thought it was shut tight.

A/N _[ Deeper Lyrics on .com/ ] _

_Sung by Alex Johnson on Instant star_


	17. Chapter 17 Darkness Around The Sun

**Darkness Around The Sun **

**Dawn's p o v **

_Come on hurry up! The water is amazing! [Ella]_

_I'm coming! Save a Space for me![Cassie]_

_yay! [Ella]_

The sounds of splashing water as kids dove jumped and swam in the brisk 70 degree's water filled the air as the swim time was well under way. I wasn't in the mood to swim though carefully watching my girls as they played a game of water volleyball .I sat under one of the tresses reading a letter pushing back tears..I couldn't believe it..even after all these years all I've been through it doesn't take the pain away.. as I read the letter the tears were starting to blur the lines ...but I struggled to read it..

_Dear Dawn_

_Hi wow I can't believe how long it has been these years have really flown by_

_I hope as u read this that the times have been good to you and you are well and healthy!_

_Maybe by now you have a husband and some kids..I bet they are beautiful did you and Jake marry?_

_I am so sorry that we lost contact it was never my intention but things happen life took us to different parts since we last talked some things have happened some great some not so_

_first I met an amazing young women named Olivia she is smart and funny and beautiful and she has the most amazing personality . We married six years ago and have 4 great kids three sons Daniel, _

_Mike and Oliver and a daughter Grace Lynn, I graduated from Ohio State collage and have a great job that I love. ...I still think of you often and miss our summers at camp . I think a lot about those years life was hard but having friends like Mike you and Sandy helped ..don't get me wrong .I don't sit around and dwell on the unfairness of it all ..I can go days weeks without thinking then Bam something snaps me back to it..._

…

A squeal brought me out of my trance looking up I saw Joelynn grabbing Sunny Scallion's notebook and wave it in the air running as she read out loud..

_Oh my god I can't believe Danny talked to me he is so cute_

_I've liked him since day one Danny has the most dreamy eyes I stare in them for hours_

_and dream about what it would be like to kiss his amazing lips but _

_Danny doesn't know I'm alive!_

_I guess it's good that he doesn't though cause he would never like me_

_why would any one like me? I'm boring_

_ugly and fat from all this Chemo and I live on a farm far away from civilization_

_Danny lives in Ireland which is exotic and historic.. if he knew I cried myself to sleep he would be _

_so embarrassed and never talk to me again .I can't let that happen but I had to get it out..I just want so bad to be kissed! I'm 14 and have never kissed anyone..[Jo]_

Sunny busted into tears as kids started to laugh and point she ran off. I jumped up and ran after her Demi was already running after her as Laura tried to calm our other girls down Kandy was crying and Maxie was steaming mad Selena had grabbed Sunny's notebook from Joelynn ..dang that girl was fast Sunny was half way across the yard her feet kicking up dirt as she ran making me cough ..by the time I caught up with her she was curled up in a ball by the lake . Demi had her arms around her shoulders as she cried her tears broke my heart. Panting and gasping for air I made a vow to exercise more I was really out of shape..

_Baby don't let what she did get you down_

_Joelynn has her own problems and she's using you as a scrape goat [Demi]_

_but she read my personal thoughts out loud they were suppose to be private_

_now everyone knows and their all laughing at me! [Sunny]_

_it's hard to be laughed at huh? [Demi]_

_it sucks! [Sunny]_

_I know [demi]_

_how your amazing so pretty and talented your a star! [Sunny]_

I hung back and let her do her job they were here to help and learn and the best way for Demi to do that was to be hands on the kids could really use their touch.

_I wasn't always a star before I became a Disney kid I was just a normal kid_

_like you and I had a lot of trouble in school with mean girls who thought they _

_were better then me and had to tell me every chance they got it was so brutal I had to _

_drop out and get home schooled believe me I know [Demi]_

_how...did u g e..t o v..e r it? [Sunny]_

_friends family and faith I always believed in myself_

_and never let any one tell me I couldn't be a star [Demi]_

_if Danny is into you it won't matter what Jo read he'll look past it_

_yo...u..th..i..n k? [Sunny]_

_yes I know [Demi]_

_how could he not your sweet and very pretty_

_u have talent or you wouldn't be here and your difference _

_make you who you are some guys will think it's pretty cool that _

_you know how to milk cows and grow your own food_

_yea and some will think it's dorky [Sunny]_

_so their not the ones you need then if a guy can't see that you are amazing_

_he's not worth your time you deserve to be happy and loved [Demi]_

_wow thanks [Sunny]_

_you feel better? [Demi]_

_yea but it's still embarrassing [Sunny]_

_yea but that'll wear off people will forget and move on [Sunny]_

_lets go back I think your friends miss you and there's plenty of sun left [Demi]_

They hugged and got up I smiled and helped Sunny fix her wig and wiped her tears away she hugged me and ran off. I hated cancer I hated how people thought they could use something like that against someone. No matter what Jo had been through there was no reason to act that way!

I walked slowly back to the pool the wind blew softly causing tresses to sway and leave a soft fragrance in their wake it brought me back to when I was 13..

Memories flashed back to that summer Sandy and I running through the woods...

_~Come on Dawn hurry up!~_

Sandy's magical laugh clung to the woods as a wind gently ruffled the night air we kept running as the sounds of mayhem echoed from the cabin we left behind confused boys who had no clue what had struck them as we bombed the cabin with water balloons in the cover of pure darkness ..Sandy grinned as she looked back at me clutching the pair of brief boxers in her tiny hands...~~

_Hey Dawn wait up!_

I turned to see a face I hadn't seen in a long time running up his sandy gold hair bounced freely on the top of his head catching the rays of the bright summer sun. he looked muscular I could tell he had spent a lot of time out doors..a smile quickly spread over my face..

_Brent oh wow I wasn't expecting to see you_ !

_This is awesome! Hi how are you?[me]_

_I'm good how about u? [Brent]_

I went over and hugged him he felt so good he embraced me and held me for a bit longer then usual when I came up I tried to blink back the tears but they spilled over..

_What's wrong? [Brent]_

_I'm sorry you know us girls always crying over something [me]_

_not you I remember that much Dawn you were _

_always tough and never let anyone see you cry_

_so whats going on?_

_Tell me Dawn.. [Brent]_

We walked back into the pool area I saw Laura had the girls involved in a game of mark o polo , Selena was talking to Jo in the corner she was the only one not swimming or sunbathing dressed in baggy black pants and a baggy basketball jersey with a long sleeved black shirt under it and a black bandanna over her head and a back wards baseball cap. She was sunken in a slouch arms crossed over her chest leaning against a wall eyes looking wild. She was making no effort to be pleasant or help out she was down right crude hogging the bathroom cussing kicking. In all my years as a counselor I had never come across a kid as hard core as she was ..memories flashed back to when I was 15. Marlee entered my mind she was fast and rude difficult and tough she made me test myself as a counselor but underneath it all she had a soft spot and she wanted to be liked and to fit in she just needed extra time and I had given her that in the end she had come around and had a good time. Her face burned in my mind … I remembered those days with such clarity even after all these years..the sounds of splashing brought me back again to when I was 13 me Sandy Mike and Greg at the pool..

~Greg and I had been racing to the pool eager to jump in and bask in the cool refreshing relief from the scorching sun .. Mike was hanging back dressed in jeans his bare chest was muscular and strong but he had his arms crossed as he stared at the other swimmers . Sandy had put her hands to his arms and said in her slow southern drawl..

_Why mike you aren't swimming?_

I remember Mike had dropped his head and looked at the ground before simply replying

_naw_

Sandy hadn't liked that answer

_But why?_

_Can't u swim?_

Mike hadn't answered right away but when he did he explained about his bone cancer and having to have his leg amputated. I still feel the ache inside when I think about his feelings of helplessness and his look of longing..I still hear the laughter from the pool and smell the chlorine ..or maybe that's cause I'm standing by a pool now..but most of all I remember how Sandy had simply looked Mike in the eyes and said sweetly

_I don't care about your leg mike _

_I would like you to come swimming_

_with me.._

That was all it took he had agreed and went to change we had so much fun that after noon and the weeks after that..~

A wind cut through making us shiver as those memories faded away into the hands of time much like my days of youth.. all I knew now was I missed them... but more so I missed Sandy with such intensity it burned my throat and made me sick to my stomach..I missed Marlee. If sandy was here she would know how to help Jo but I was clueless.

Brent lead me to my lawn chair and sat down besides me his arm wrapped around my shoulders.

_Wanna tell a old friend what is wrong?[Brent]_

_everything and nothing if that makes any sense [me]_

_yea kind of [Brent]_

_want to elaborate a little more though it could help[Brent]_

_I can't help it I try but I just can't...[me]_

_help what? [Brent]_

_how do I explain it..it's been so long I should be over it_

_I thought I was but..[me]_

_then u came here and the memories hit you all over_

_like a cold winter wind on a hot summer day [Brent]_

_yea that's it I mean it's been over ten years since then[me]_

_yea it'll be 15 soon [Brent]_

_I know and I can't stop thinking about her about Marlee it's so unfair_

_and I have tried so hard I went on with my life and I didn't let it hold me back_

_I went to collage I made it through four years I went to medical school_

_I'm a third year resident for god sakes _

_I can see myself graduating in another year_

_I'll be able to practice medicine for real help heal the hurting_

_cure sickness but I can't even get through one summer without breaking down_

_I just can't stop thinking and I want to I want to put it out of my head so bad [me] _

_you want to know why? [Brent]_

_Why was I left? ]Brent]_

_why did god chose me to carry on when Sandy couldn't _

_when her and Marlee never got to live out their seasons _

_you feel guilty even though it wasn't your fault ..[Brent]_

If anyone could understand it was Brent I turned to him nodding tears bristling in my eyes I brushed them away.

_Believe me I know don't think there isn't a day that goes by that I don't stop_

_to think what would she be like today? If dad had never taken her to _

_Mexico if she had gone back to Columbus_

_would she have grown up to be a hair designer she loved to play with hair [Brent]_

_would she have gone to collage married to early?_

_Would she had gotten that white picket fence?_

_Every time I go home I still see her I feel her_

_but she's gone and I miss her so much I know people tell me [Brent]_

_to move on that I need to be strong I'm a man but tell me_

_how do u tell a man who's lost his sister it's okay?_

_Cause that's what your saying that it's okay she_

_died cause it's been years well it's not[Brent]_

_okay and it never will be.._

_but I do have to go on cause to give up would dishonor her_

_memory and she would want us to be happy she would want [Brent]_

_us to live the life she never got to live achieve the dreams[Brent]_

_that she can't..and we have to make it okay[Brent]_

_cause other wise how can we do it all? [Brent]_

Brent was right we were the ones left to carry on For sandy for Marlee for all the kids who had their dreams ripped out..who's seasons were cut too short..it was up to us..but no matter how confident he seemed I just couldn't muster the same conviction yes I wanted to believe it to stand up and fight,,Sandy would of she would have been leading the whole pack but Sandy was stronger then I ever was..she had more guts..how could I think that I could make a difference in these kids lives? I was one person ..one scared confused angry ..girl..

_is something else bothering you? [Brent]_

_yea I thought I was ahead of the game..[me]_

_what do you mean? [Brent]_

_I passed my ten year mark last summer..[me]_

Silence hung like clouds in the air..thick and heavy..he looked away I know it seemed cruel to bring it up after we had just gotten done discussing Sandy. I twirled the ring on my finger and looked away tears threatened to break free..slowly he turned to me..speaking softly he replied...

_I know we thought of you ..the card was nice my parents wanted me to say _

_thank you..their glad so glad to hear you made it! [Brent]_

_I thought I did ..you know they say five years_

_so u think yes I'm cured ..make it another year count your blessings_

_another sigh in relief...ten years you think_

_I'm going to make it I am going to be one of the lucky ones_

_..then Bam ..[me]_

_your not sick again are you? [Brent]_

His eyes flashed worried looking me over

_you look fine..]Brent]_

_thanks ..no it's not me_

_my last checkup my counts were good no blasts in sight_

_..it's my friend..do u remember Sandy telling you about these two boys we met at camp?_

_Yea wasn't there a Craig or Nick [Brent]_

_Mike and Greg try..[me]_

We shared a laugh

_yea she liked Mike right? [Brent]_

_yea..[me]_

More then liked I thought recalling her diary entry she had wrote the last night of camp of how Mike had taken her in his arms and kissed her...she had felt so alive so pretty..so loved..

_so how are they? [Brent]_

_Mike's good he's a swim coach at a high school in Ohio[me]_

_and Greg? [Brent]_

_Not so good he wrote me.. Greg relapsed.. the cancer spread_

_he's terminal...he's been Cancer free for almost _

_20 years and now all of a sudden..[me]_

_it just hit me that no matter how smart we are how safe we think we are_

_the unthinkable can happen at any time..[me]_

_yea your right it can but we can't let it have that power_

_we need to take control and live our lives _

_unafraid of what might happen_

_Mac told me something when she asked me here Dawn [Brent]_

_she said_

_yesterday is the past_

_we cannot change it_

_tomorrow is a mystery we can not predict it_

_but today is a gift that is why it's called the present [Brent]_

_in short she's saying live it up while you can cause tomorrow is not _

_guarantied.. [me]_

_yea something like that.._

_we can't change what happened as much as we _

_want to we just have to live now and try to make a difference_

_in the kids here now..[Brent]_

His words had just passed his lipsas I heard

_Dawn, Dawn!_

_We need you! _

I thanked him and we hugged Brent was a special friend who I would always treasure..his words gave me strength as I went to my girls..the sounds of distant child hood memories following me ..not haunting me.

**Selena's p o v**

_Why don't you apologize? [me]_

_why don't u stop being stupid and realize nick is a two timing lying scum bag [Jolynn]_

_why don't you stay out of people's private lives _

_what you did to sunny was cruel and heartless [me]_

_I thought it was funny as hell [ Jolynn]_

_you need a new sense of humor_

_cause there was nothing funny in it [me]_

_maybe you just need to learn to take a joke [Jolynn]_

_I know funny when I hear it that was not it_

_you better shape up [me]_

_or what you'll send me home? [Jolynn]_

_yes [me]_

_try it I have connections you_

_ain't getting rid of me [Jolynn]_

The young girl was getting the better of me and she was really pissing me off she had no fear as she challenged me to send her away full of confidence and spiting mad. Her arms were crossed as she leaned against a pillar eyes glaring at me ..watching as Sunny took off and Demi and Dawn took off after her my heart bleed for her but if anyone could help her Dem's could she was amazing with kids. I wished I had her patience and savvy with kids. I could sure as heck use it now with this one. I wouldn't let her see she was getting to me..turning to her I looked her square in the eyes and said..

_I don't care who you think you are who u think you know_

_I am telling you right now stop this behavior or I will have you shipped out_

_Mac will not tolerate this kind of disruption of her camp_

_and I won't let your bad attitude spoil it for all these kids who have worked so hard _

_and who want to see camp be saved. [me]_

_you think you have the power Selena but you don't_

_I hold all the cards too bad you have no idea the power I have [Jo]_

_what are you talking about? [me]_

_give it time you will get it [Jo]_

_I want to room with you! _

_No way our room is full [me]_

_So kick someone out [Jolynn]_

_no why would I kick one of my girls out when their trying to win_

_and your trying to tear everyone down.._

_you'll be sorry..[Jolynn]_

She spat at me and ran off I groaned in frustration as I pushed my hair back and saw Nick come up

_Rough day babe? [nick]_

_yes she is impossible! [me]_

I slammed my foot into the ground and groaned as he wrapped his arms around my waist and kissed me

I melted he grinned and pulled me close I could feel his heart beating strong. He relaxed me as he looked at me and grinned wider

_Wanna talk? [nick]_

_no I wanna do other things with you..[me]_

He laughed at my seductive talk and rolled his eyes

_Not appropriate Miss Selena_

_but I do like your thinking_ ..[Nick]

_I knew you would [me]_

_maybe tonight we have movie night it'll be dark_

_and no one will miss us if we slip out..[Nick]_

_Can't wait [me]_

He twirled me and made me laugh as he suddenly tickled me and I tried to get him which only made him tickle me harder as I laughed and ran he tried to grab my hand and chased me.


	18. Chapter 18 Hot N Cold

**HOT N COLD**

NICK'S P O V

_Niley_!_ Kiss Niley!_

_Kiss!_

The feel of her lips still resonated on my lips and made me shiver god I missed that! What a jerk I was to break up with her and put her through that pain..I can still hear her words like venom escaping from her lips as she pushed me away her voice was full of fear and pain .. pain and fear I was the cause of..but there was something else in her eyes to..want..desire ..slowly I reached up and touched my lips..miley kissed them ..well okay my lips touched hers.. she pushed me away before I could have an actual kiss. But I can still feel hers against mine ..I remember how we use to kiss all the time for hours.. she would wrap her arms around my neck..our legs would intertwine and we would wrestle for hours...

She would whisper sweet words in my ears and I would whisper promises ...like how I would never leave her ..never hurt her..what lies..no wonder why she hated me..what confused me was that we seemed to be getting along...then Bam..

_Nick! Over here hurry![ Danny]_

_Coming man save me a place..[Nick]_

Danny's voice got me out of a trance so I hurried over these kids were amazing so dedicated to their project no matter what I was feeling they could always help me feel better.

As I got there I saw her coming in she looked radiant her hair was blowing in a soft breeze which she brushed back I could see the blond highlights reflecting in the breeze. She was half turned talking to Mandy laughing looking amazing. I couldn't believe camp was halfway over but I was even more motivated to make things work between us..

Going over to stand by Danny I smiled slightly at her she glanced me over for a second but she never smiled back she looked at Mandy who gave me a dirty look and then Miley turned to her so her back faced me..I felt my whole inside deflate like a balloon that was suddenly popped the suddenness of it left me shock but then as it settled I was left with a great emptiness that made me ache .

**Danny's p o v**

I couldn't take it anymore Nick looked so heart broken he wanted her bad ..I knew what that felt like.. all my life I wanted one thing..one thing I was permanently denied...well for me it was never going to happen..my greatest wish that is.. but Nick he has a chance..and I was going to make it happen for him..

Scanning the room I saw the ones I needed and popped a wheelie some of the girls giggled and squealed as I laughed.

**Ella's p o v**

_Wow Danny is so cute!_ [Alicia]

yea_ I know [ Payton]_

_he's funny to have you ever _

_heard him do comedy? [Nazaria]_

_no I haven't had the chance _

_We um haven't had any projects together_

_this is the first I've been in the same room_

_he probably thinks I'm a freak [Sunny]_

_No he doesn't if he did he's stupid _

_your pretty and smart [Ella] _

_ah thanks [Sunny]_

_o m g don't look now [Ella]_

_What? Why? [Sunny]_

_he's coming! [Ella]_

_who's coming? [Sunny]_

_Danny! [Alicia]_

I giggled as I saw him wheeling over Sunny was blushing and looking nervous Danny came over and stopped at us.

_Hello ladies [Danny]_

_hi..[ Me,Alicia,Grace,Payton,Becky,Reba]_

_uh..[Sunny]_

_say hi.._[ I jabbed Sunny's side_]_

_H...i Danny! [Sunny]_

_hey how are you all doing? [Danny]_

_Good, great,awesome! [all of us]_

_good..[_Sunny whispered_]_

_are you ladies up for a little project?[ Danny]_

_sure like what? [Ella]_

_well Nick is looking grim and_

_I want to see him smile and Miley is the only_

_one who can make him smile so we need to get them _

_together..[Danny]_

_yea I like that! [Becky]_

_what about Selena? [Sunny]_

_she's Demi's b f and I don't want her to hurt cause of us [Sunny]_

_we won't we just have to put _

_them in the same place alone [Danny]_

_how do we do that? [Sunny]_

_sounds like were playing with fire [Sunny]_

_you don't have to do this..[Danny]_

_no..I want to..[sunny]_

_oh I know! How about this..[Nazira]_

**Miley's p o v**

_Miles there's a note here for you [Mandy]_

_who's it from? [me]_

_doesn't say [Mandy]_

_okay thanks..[me]_

Carefully I opened it a little afraid notes usually mean something bad ..

_Dear Smiley_

_hey it's me Sir Dork A Lance_

_I know I've been really bad at this communication_

_stuff and for that I am so sorry I want to make it up to you _

_if u let me please say you will_

_write me back_

_meet me 2nite at the bridge_

_hope to hear from you soon!_

_Till then I'll be _

_thinking about miley , miley,_

_Love always Nicky_

I made up my mind right then and there and and sat down and quickly wrote him back.

**Nick's p o v**

_yo_ A_fro bro was sup with the long frown? [ Kevin]_

_Nothin' why don't you mind your own..[me[_

_touchy are you PMS? [Joe]_

_shut up [me]_

_hey....ya Nicky poo [Kevin]_

_Don't man! [me]_

Kevin tried to jump me and ruffle my hair which made me madder so I tried to tackle him causing Joe to laugh more...

_Nick! [Danny]_

_yo was shaking man? [me]_

_note for you..[Leon]_

_okay!_

_Oh maybe it's a love note![Kevin]_

_Shut up dude..[me]_

Shoving him I pushed myself up and quickly grabbed it from Danny's hands he had a big grin on his face. Which made me wonder but I shrugged it aside and tore it open...reading

_Don't you dare Miley me anymore_

_you lost that right 2 years ago!_

_It's a little more then a little to late to make up_

_for anything so stop trying_

_I hate you can't you get that through your head_

_or are you to thick headed and too much of an ass to get_

_that? _

_You broke my heart Nick_

_it's because of you that I have _

_trust issues so stop trying to make it up to me_

_you can't and frankly I don't care anymore_

_I'm over you I've moved on _

_leave me alone!_

_Don't call me ,don't talk to me_

_avoid me! _

_Just forget about me _

_cause I have about you!_

_I'm in love with Mandy get over it!_

I was in shock total shock I thought we were getting past the past.. but she was still so angry at me.. What was this stuff about being with Mandy? She was 16 , Mandy was 21..it was wrong it was sick..

It had to be a lie she knew I hated Mandy..she was doing this to make me mad or jealous..whatever it was ..it was just sick...

I was shaking the letter was almost crumbling under my death grip tears prickled the back of my eyes but I took a deep breath and swallowed.

_Nicky poo oh Nicky who's the letter from? [Joe]_

_shut up! [me]_

My voice was shaking even worse I tried to steady it but he saw through it..

_aw man what the heck did she do to you now?[Joe]_

_Nothing leave it alone Joe [me]_

_Come on tell your big bro.._

He reached for the letter but I yanked it away from his fingers he reached above my head and we started to wrestle.

_What the heck got into you two?[Kevin]_

As we were still on the floor Kevin came up and grabbed the envelope

_what's this? [Kevin]_

_holly what the..Nick !_

_You have better start explaining this![Kevin]_

Joe and I stopped wrestling and looked up Kevin was standing there holding up a picture of Miley half naked kissing Mandy..laying in bed..my eyes stared in shock as I started to shake again so it was true..why did she send it to me? How could she? It was enough she didn't want me but to shove it in my face like this? It was cruel..I felt like I was going to be sick..pushing Joe off me I stumbled to my feet and ran to the bathroom slamming the door leaning against it till I slide down covering my head with my hands. My breathing was raged and coming in gasps..both my brothers stared at me in shock..

**Miles p o v**

" _Where are you Nickolas? Come on dang it..it's getting cold..and it's rainy ._

My brain was saying a lot like what I was going to do to him if I had to stand on this bridge freezing my butt off anymore..it was already getting late and it was cold and windy and starting to rain. Crossing my arms I looked around why did he always do this? Get my hopes up only to make me feel like a fool ..how could I think he would suddenly be prince charming again? Why would he suddenly stop hating me and we could go back to being friends? Why would I even want to be? We had broken up he broke my heart , why couldn't I just stop caring? Wait? Was My mind started to play tricks on me I swear I saw him coming down laughing and panting

_Miles I'm so sorry! _

_Those kids are so hyper I couldn't get out of there_

_and then Joe started telling stories and showing magic tricks_

_but he was dressed in high heals and a dress and he got caught _

_on a hook and we had to pry him down..but the boys_

_were taking pics and laughing posting them on line_

_and Joe was whining cause hey got his bad side_

_Wow u look Gorgeous..[Nick]_

He took me in his arms spinning me around my heart melted as he scanned me over his chest was pressed against me I felt his heart beating so fast I reached up touching his face swallowing frozen..

_it's okay Nicky.._

_I'm sorry I would never leave you waiting I promise_

_I mean it it's okay just …_

_just what? [Nick]_

I didn't speak just looked up as he pulled me close and his breath landed against my check my eyes closed and I stopped breathing as his lips connected with mine..the world froze....

_aha..._

A cold slap of reality hit me hard as a huge gust of wind took a small wave of water and splashed me..knocking me down...flat on my butt.''_nice miles..way to live in the present" _I scolded myself.

When was I going to realize sometimes life just sucks and fairy tails don't come true...the rain was pouring down heavy now. Which suited me just fine cause they washed away the tears that were pouring down my face.

Taking a deep breath I looked around hoping he would be coming down the path late telling stories of rowdy kids . When I didn't see him I felt my hopes dash a thousand times over, gasping and chocking in frustration and anger I kicked the bridge and screamed.

**Mandy's p o v**

_Mandy! Mandy can we play a game? [Ella]_

_Sure baby like what? [Mandy]_

_candy land, no monopoly _

_Dudgeons and Dragons !_

_Where's Miles?[Alicia]_

_she had to meet someone [Mandy]_

_but she should have been here by now_

_I hope she is okay.._

_Miles! [Mandy]_

_oh my god honey are you okay?_

She was freezing, shaking and drenched arms crossed hair soaked and set back. She looked horrible like she had been crying. She looked at me and rushed past going into the bathroom. Quickly I went over and grabbed Brandi who went to check on her.

**Brandi's p o v**

When Mandy came and got me I instantly became worried why was Miles crying and standing in the rain. Knocking on the door got me no where so I started to pound till she finally opened the door.

When she did I was shocked her face was beat red and she had been crying her hair was plastered to her face her breathing was raged and coming in gasps..she tried to cover her face but I grabbed her hands and brushed my hand over her face I hated seeing my little sister in any kind of pain..I ran my hand over her face and kissed her head.

_Oh miles what happened?_

_It was..I can't.._

_oh Brandi..._

She rushed into my arms and started to cry like crazy. I held her and rubbed her back kissing her head.

She cried for like 15 minutes straight and I held her without letting her go. When she finally stopped She looked up and her eyes held so many questions . I felt like a parent trying to protect her child. It made me so mad to know anyone would make her cry. I wanted to pound them into dirt. Pushing back her hair. I wrapped my arms around her and we sunk to the floor where I quietly encouraged her to talk to me. She was hesitant at first but she started to tell me and once she started she couldn't stop. The whole story poured out. I was angry how could he do this to her? What kind of man leaves a girl standing out in the pouring rain..After making promises to be by her side.

Talking to her seemed to do nothing...So I went out and got the one person who could help her.

**Mandy p o v**

I couldn't help looking at that door praying she would come out soon I was so worried. I just wanted to know what was wrong. She looked awful ..I wanted to hold her in my arms and kiss away her pain.

The girls were playing a d v d game .I was busy paying attention to the kids and didn't hear the bathroom door open in till Brandi was staring at me looking worried I rushed over to her.

_Nick broke her heart again I tried to talk to her_

_but she won't respond could you try to talk to her?[ Brandi]_

_Yea of course Brandi [Mandy]_

She agreed to watch the girls so I went to talk to her it broke my heart to see her curled up in a ball on the floor. Quietly I went over sliding down by her and kissing her head as I slipped my arms over her shoulders. She lowered her head onto my shoulder and we laid there not talking just staring at each other. There wasn't anything to say so I just held her tight and kissed her face neck shoulders and head, she looked up and smiled.

That night we laid in bed together curled up she was still deathly quiet laying stiff in my arms. I hated knowing she was burying herself inside because some stupid insecure self centered idiot. So many thoughts raced through my head about what I was going to do to him. Trying to make her smile I ran my hands under her shirt running them over her stomach and her breasts. I could feel myself getting excited as I ran over her nipples which started to harden making her moan softly so softly ,I could hardly hear her. When I saw everyone was asleep I slipped the covers over our heads and we kissed softly and quickly. Which was what got a smile out of her finally.

The next morning at breakfast I saw him sitting there talking to his brothers and friends. God I wanted to wipe that smug look over his face but she grabbed my arm and pulled me back.

**Ella's p o v [at rehearsal ]**

_Okay everyone listen up! [Miley]_

_this video is essential to this project_

_this is a big production lots of Dancing_

_so there will be a lot of directions please pay attention_

_to what our director is telling you to do_

_if you have questions feel free to ask [Miley]_

_yes I have one I'm still having trouble with the_

_Grand rond de jambe I've been practicing like crazy_

_but I don't want to look like a fool _

_or mess this up for anyone [ Reba] _

_baby that's why were here this is a school_

_we don't expect perfection [Mac]_

_were here to teach you don't worry_

_there are plenty of teachers_

_here to help you just ask when you are_

_struggling..[Mac]_

_What the heck?[Ella]_

_They both look so upset [Ella]_

_What did u say in that note? [Alicia]_

_I just said to meet him by the bridge_

_that he was sorry and he wanted to make it_

_right! [Nazria]_

_So what happened? [Becky]_

_who knows but I think it back fired [ Payton]_

_big time! Yea miles looks like she was crying[ Ella]_

_maybe something else happened [Danny]_

_like what? [Kenny]_

_who knows[Ella]_

_but I think we better keep quite about what we did_

_yea [Nazria]_

_okay everyone please be quite_

_take your seats [ Chelsea]_

_were getting close to the end of our projects_

_today were filming the scene where Miley's _

_confused by the mix signals Nick's been throwing at her_

_Miley first verse_

_take 3.._

I was burning with curiosity what had happened? She was sending him daggers and he was staring at her with disgust and anger Mandy was staring like she wanted to kill him. I just wanted for her to be happy I loved her and idolized her. She took a deep breath and went to the set which was amazing it was made to look up like a high school ball room.

He stood ready for his scene getting into character looking pissed .

When everyone was ready they began..

_You change your mind  
Like a girl changes clothes  
Yeah, you PMS like a bitch  
I would know _

He looked at her with hatred and pushed her back as he started to sing

__

And you always think  
Always speak cryptically  
I should know  
That you're no good for me 

Miley shoved him as she danced and her voice rose as she sung the chorus with fire and intensity. She looked at me I smiled and she seemed to get energy.

__

'Cause you're hot then you're cold  
You're yes then you're no  
You're in and you're out  
You're up and you're down  
You're wrong when it's right  
It's black and it's white  
We fight, we break up  
We kiss, we make up

You, you don't really wanna stay, no  
You, but you don't really wanna go, oh

'Cause you're hot then you're cold  
You're yes then you're no  
You're in and you're out  
You're up and you're down

We used to be just like twins, so in sync  
The same energy nows a dead battery  
Used to laugh 'bout nothing  
Now you're plain boring  
I should know  
That you're not gonna change

'Cause you're hot then you're cold  
You're yes then you're no  
You're in and you're out  
You're up and you're down  
You're wrong when it's right  
It's black and it's white  
We fight, we break up  
We kiss, we make up

You, you don't really wanna stay, no  
You, but you don't really wanna go, oh

You're hot then you're cold  
You're yes then you're no  
You're in and you're out  
You're up and you're down

Someone call the doctor  
Got a case of a love bipolar  
Stuck on a roller coaster  
Can't get off this ride

You change your mind  
Like a girl changes clothes

'Cause you're hot then you're cold  
You're yes then you're no  
You're in and you're out  
You're up and you're down  
You're wrong when it's right  
It's black and it's white  
We fight, we break up  
We kiss, we make up

'Cause you're hot then you're cold  
You're yes then you're no  
You're in and you're out  
You're up and you're down  
You're wrong when it's right  
It's black and it's white  
We fight, we break up  
We kiss, we make up 

Without warning and without it being in the script Nick pushed her against the car and grabbed her kissing her passionately.

__

You, you don't really wanna stay, no  
You, but you don't really wanna go, oh 

She pushed him back slapping him as she sung..

_  
You're hot then you're cold  
You're yes then you're no  
You're in and you're out  
You're up and you're down, down, down, down... _

Once the song ended and the music stopped she took off crying..Nick looked smug as he went off to his boys. I wanted to talk to her but Mandy and Katie raced after her. Looking over to the other kids they all had the same looks on their faces.


	19. Chapter 19 Baby Baby Baby

**Katie's p o v Baby,Baby,Baby **

I wasn't sure what the heck had gotten into Nick why he would do something so stupid so unprofessional but I was certain that his actions had just ripped Miles in two the way she took off left me dizzy. Mandy and I had ran after her but dang for a 16 y o with a heart condition she was a fast little thing. We finally got her as she headed to the lake Mandy reached her before I did by a few minutes she was trying to pull away from Mandy as I came up from behind enclosing her between us which she did not like at all but we fought her till she had no choice expect surrender and sink to her knees. She was angry and did not hold back. we hugged her and let her vent ..

As I heard her story I was brought back to so many years ago when I was only a year older then her and a counselor at Jenny House a camp like this one for kids and teens with illness but there was no preforming part , I was in charge of 3 girls..Lacey loud ,hard headed and stubborn she wanted nothing to do with Jenny House or her illness she did not want us as friends.. she lived in a world of denial about her diabetes. Then there was soft quite scared Chelsea who had been born with a heart defect and needed a transplant. She was afraid of any excitement of adventure of pushing herself to hard. She lived in a trap with her illness never letting anything let her forget. Sweet Amanda she was tiny bald from cancer and full of sunny optimism always had a cheerful word and looked on the bright side she was smart as a whip and loved to joke.

Amanda had developed a crush on Jeff who liked Lacey both confessed to me and swore me to secrecy. I spent all summer as a yo-yo bouncing between both trying to please both it almost killed me.

Hearing miles tell her story reminded me of that summer wow it had been so long since .I thought about that time.

The stuff going on with Nick and Miles reminded me of that summer..seeing her so torn up about it made me angry why couldn't he see that she loved him but she wanted one thing he couldn't or wouldn't give her..trust..without trust what good was any relationship?

Whatever Mandy said to her worked she slowly got up and came over to us telling us she was ready to go back to the video shoot ..Miley fixed herself back up and Mandy wrapped her arm through hers and we walked back in she didn't meet Nick's eyes but she went straight to our girls and took a deep breath.

I watched the girls they looked nervous and kept glancing between Nick and Miley..I wondered what that was about. Glancing around I saw Nick's counselor D.J talking to him he looked pissed as Nick squirmed uncomfortable. As I approached them I heard Miley saying..

_the important part is getting the point across_

_we want it all to flow together seamless_

_she's confused she likes him but she's hurt_

_he's pushing to hard _

_it makes her fearful that onces he gets her he'll_

_leave her_

_we also need to give a good reason for her _

_to run away [ Miley]_

_yea what about it was Halloween time_

_and they were all in disguise and she thought she_

_was talking to a friend about him _

_and she realized too late it was him [Ella]_

_oh so she gets embarrassed and runs! [Nazaria]_

_yea! [ all]_

_great job girls [Me]_

_okay lets take it from the_

_place where we left off [Miley]_

_we were in the crowded school_

_hallway which is where Nick and Miley run into _

_each other [Mac]_

_does anybody need help? [Mac]_

_yea I need to work on my lines [Kelly]_

_okay lets go to a quite corner [Mac]_

_is everybody else ready? [Miley]_

_yes! [everyone]_

The day was so long but so much fun it was amazing to see the kids just light up as they saw their project come to life. Miley and Mandy and Nick worked with their kids helping them to learn lines

and dance moves where they needed to be. Payton was acting as a director which was funny but she did amazing.

After the video was recored we broke for classes Miley and I walked the kids who had dance over to their classes , Mandy had ran ahead to change the kids were chatting away excitedly as we headed to the cabin.

I saw Miley looking sad so I put my arm around her shoulders

_sometimes it helps to talk about it whatever it is..[me]_

_yea I know but I'm all talked out _

_thanks though..[Miles]_

_sure anytime.._

_u okay? [ me]_

_not really but I will be [Miles]_

The kids scrambled to change when we got there. So we decided to watch one of the classes Mandy was teaching,

_what class is she teaching now? [me]_

_Theater I believe _[_miles_]

_she is amazing to watch_

_I bet_

Nazaria's p o v

_I still say something went down _

_between them that has nothing_

_to do with the letter [me]_

_yea but what is the question? [Ella]_

_who knows but that is what we must find out_

_yea and soon camp will be ending_

_I know don't remind me it makes me sad to think _

_about that! [me]_

_we better go before were late will meet _

_tonight to find out what is going on.._

As the girls were discussing ways to get to the truth I slipped on my dance brace which is different from the ones I wear on a daily bases. Tugging until it finally came up I was almost exhausted from just that effort. Finally though we were all ready and headed up I loved this class Mandy was an amazing teacher and I was growing to really love having her as a counselor and friend. She was becoming my role model fast. Yawing I stretched out as we ran up the steps gripping the handle I pulled myself up the others ran without a problem laughing and shoving I envied them in a way.

Once we got there we started to stretch from the corner of my eye I saw Miley there with Katie and it gave me a renewed sense of energy if they could take time out of their day to come see us dance I could suck it up and give my 100 _% _quickly .I started to stretch my arms over my neck roll my neck and lean over my legs the room was filling up quick and kids were starting to do as I was .

I watched miley watching us she smiled at us and waved I saw her eyes linger over me and Ella a little longer.

Mandy came inside and everyone became quite.

I puffed out my chest and straighted myself out without words needed she went over and started the music Leann Wormwood's song I hope you Dance came on and we started our warm ups as soon as I started my feet burned I had already been on them for 8 hours at the video shoot but I wasn't complaining .I sucked it up and told myself the burning was a good thing it meant my muscles were working harder and becoming stronger. Arching my arms so they stretched across my head I felt my body relax and fall into the routine feeling the music. Soon I was jumping and flying as my feet sailed across the floor. Mandy was going around carefully watching everyone correcting mistakes fixing postures and complementing those who had it down. I felt her hand on my back gliding over helping to hold me up straighter taking a deep breath I tried not to get upset even though I was trying my hardest .. I felt angry I wanted to show her I could do it more then anything. She stayed behind me for a minute as I went as far up as I could on my toes her arms stretched out the length of mine as I brought my back leg up and stretched it around as I spun on my left foot she did the move with me perfectly helping to steady me as hard as I tried I could not keep it going without shaking but I felt her hands comforting me as she ran them over my arms and helped to hold me steady..her words whispering..

_just relax you'll be fine_

_good keep your head held high_

_don't look down eyes on your focus spot_

_arms out high_

_above your head _

_steps quick and light_

_graceful_

_excellent Nazria_

I smiled yes! I had gotten a compliment out of her! Sweetness! Now I really started to move.. my feet kicked and span as I leaped and jumped and crossed Ella and I grabbed hands and spun together laughing as we dipped and spun ..the music changed to Vienna by Linda Edee and then a version of Forever young.

After 3 hours we got to go and shower I quickly hurried to the cafe where everyone was gathered my stomach was starved I couldn't wait to eat Ella was standing in line with Alicia and Becky so I hurried over to where they were just as Sunny and Payton, Reba came up laughing at something before I got there so I quietly came up behind them and scared the heck out of them making them scream and jump as I fell back laughing. Scanning the food line I spotted what I wanted right away Chicken Cacciatore and a salad .Ella was raiding the Pizza and fried chicken Alicia was in the Stir fried section but looking at the taco's Miles was with Mandy at the sushi bar getting our food we went to score a seat digging into our food .I grabbed my meds and swallowed them before I started to eat.

_I say we spy on them! [Sunny]_

_yea but who? [Ella]_

_we should ask the boys to help us [Me]_

_yea Ella we nominate you_

_huh me? Why me no I uh...[Ella]_

_nominate Sunny ask Danny!_

_wh...[_spits out milk as we laughed]

_no way I can't I mean,uh huh _

_I wouldn't be able to form two words [Sunny]_

_u just did,,[Ella]_

_yea but not around **him **he's so dreamy! [Sunny]_

_Whew..someone has a crush! [All of us]_

_Shut up.. [Sunny]_

_chicken buck..buck..[All of us]_

_I am not! [Sunny]_

_okay so prove it [Me]_

_yea prove it cluck..cluck.[Alicia]_

_f..i..n..e..[Sunny]_

She was pissed but she got up and went over she was so nervous it was funny!

Sunny p o v

Nervous doesn't even cover it..sweating dry mouthed ..about to vomit...light headed about to faint ..yea that was about covers it..he was sitting there with Nick, Joe ,Kevin and his friends as I slowly approached..Danny looked so cute wearing a light green shirt that had a cross on it..loose fitting blue jeans and a Irish wool hat tipped to his left side his red hair curled a bit hanging down the back of his neck ..taking deep breaths I told myself don't be nervous just breath and talk normal..

_I don't get why she sent me it..[Nick]_

_what was she trying to prove?_

_That your a jackass? [Joe]_

_shut up..[shoves him]_

_hey..guys..[me]_

They turned to me Danny smiled making my heart stop and my head spin..

_What's going on Rays? [Danny]_

_Rays? [me]_

_yea your name's Sunny?_

_And your smile is as bright as the golden rays_

_of sun..[Danny]_

_aw that's sweet_

_not as sweet as you [Danny]_

_uh..th,,an..ks.._

_yea no sweat babe did u want something? [Danny]_

_yea can I talk to you?_

_Sure..give me a sec to roll on over_

We went back to my table where he waved and did a little wheelie we explained to him what we wanted and he agreed to have some of his friends keep a eye and ear out for clues..after he left the girls all started poking me and oohing and pressing me for details which I gave

_Wait a minute when u came up Nick was saying_

_what? [Nazaria]_

_I don't get why she sent it.._

_what did she send?[Sunny]_

_Who's he talking about Miles?[Alicia]_

_Maybe Selena [Becky]_

_could be either we need to get in there and _

_find out what he's talking about..[me]_

_okay so who's going to distract the boys?[Nazria]_

_lets go with Alicia and Becky..[me]_

_okay so you'll sneak in and try to find what _

_Nick was sent?_

_Yea , when should we do this? [me]_

_Tomorrow when the boys are swimming_

_Nick likes to stay in the cabin and work on music _

_Danny told me some of the boys stay behind_

_so there won't be too many to distract_

_..oh we should play a prank on Mac to!_

_Huh?_

_Yea Dawn was telling me that every year_

_at her camp her and her friends would _

_pull a prank and get their camp leader_

_they went down in legends! _

_Awesome I want to be a legend![Ella]_

_yea me to! [Becky]_

_we all do hence our need to be performers! [Ella]_

_aka egomaniacs [Payton]_

_hey speak for yourself! [Alicia]_

We laughed.

Nazria p o v

I watched as Mandy and Katie whispered then she grabbed Miley and they excited arm in arm laughing heads bent..I saw her eyes so full of happiness and shining bright as she laughed with her b f f and it made me smile.

Later that night I went to the dance studio to practice Mandy met me there and helped me to work on my area problems she encouraged me and helped me but she was stern. The pain was cutting through my whole body it was burning and I could feel my energy slipping but I refused to give up I wanted to get this routine down. Mandy's hands gracefully glided over me as she helped me my legs were shaky and I felt nauseated but she encouraged me to keep going. Finally I nailed it! She kept me going telling me to do it over and over..I nailed it every time! She grabbed me and spun me around as we both cheered and hugged each other .

By the time we got back we were both exhausted and sweaty Mandy let me take a shower first ..I slide down into the tub as the spasms took over it felt like my whole body was in a seizure .I couldn't control it just grip the sides of the tub and try to block it out of my mind think about the rewards like the fact that I had nailed it yes it took a lot of work but I did it! I blocked out how long it was but eventually I felt my body stop and a calm took over shakily I got up and went ahead with my shower it took time I was sore and could barley move but when I was done I felt so refreshed. Taking deep breaths I calmed myself enough to get out of the shower and dress but then the vomiting started. Trying to keep it quite didn't work within minutes I heard panic voices..

_Nazria are you okay?_

_what's wrong?_

_Do u need help?_

_Someone get Mac!_

_Hurry she's sick!_

Great the last thing I wanted! Not special attention..still I felt awful feverish and sick tired sore..my head was pounding. Before I knew it Mandy was by my side calming me and keeping me company she talked to me softly and held my hair back. When I was finally finished she helped me from the bathroom and to the bed where I grateful collapsed she sat with me taking my temp which was getting lower. Mac came in with one of the nurses as she pulled out the thermometer Miley told her what happened she came right over to me and asked me what had happened..I told them what had happened not that I wanted to but I had to. She made me promise to take it easy for at least two days. Mandy promised to stay with me and monitor me ..I was pissed that I had to miss the action tomorrow but glad I would get to spend time with Mandy! I also saw it as a perfect opp to get some investigating done but for now all I wanted was to sleep..Mac talked to the counselors for a little bit then she came up and hugged me telling me If I needed anything to ring her day or night then she checked my temp and vitals again!

Exhaustion took over me as I curled up and closed my eyes I felt Mandy slip into my bed and wrap her arms around me. Smiling a tiny bit I let myself curl up by her and felt my head fall on her chest.

By the next morning when I woke up I fell into the relation that I felt even worse the pain was 10 x what it was the night before I had a migraine and I felt nausea and light headed as soon as Mandy woke up she took my temp..

_feel any better babe? [Mandy]_

_yea I'm good.._

_it usually goes away after a few hours[ me]_

_why do you look so pale and seem shaky? [Mandy]_

_side effects man you know sucks bad [me]_

_dang don't let her lying ass fool ya she sick as hell_

_and needs to start telling da truth and see a nurse or doctor[Tanya]_

_it's not so bad really I've had it worse [me]_

I shot her a look as if to say shut up..but she shock her head and continued

_don't let her fool you she's in pain bad_

_she'll prob need to be on a __Carnitine_ _drip soon_

_Shut up Tanya...[me]_

I groaned trying to get up to grab her but pain radiated through me and left me breathless without meaning to I let out a squeal...immediately Miley and Katie rushed over and held me down Mandy started to talk to me which helped her hands comforted me as she stroked my hair Miley ran a cold cloth over my face. Katie manged to chase Tanya out of the room but before she did T-baby came over and hugged me

_take care of yourself diamond [Tanya]_

_always baby always [me]_

Even that little execration left me weak so I laid back down and closed my eyes.

When I opened my eyes Mandy was laying besides me her eyes scanning me I felt feverish and shaky the pain was still there but not as strong..

_what happened? [me]_

_your fever spiked and you went into a seizure _

_but Sam got you stable _

I looked over at my arm sure enough I had two Iv's dripping into my arm

_Benzodiazepines to stop the seizure? [me]_

_yes and Carnitine to help the pain?[Mandy]_

_how long was I out? [me]_

_a few hours your fever is lower so that's good_

_you hungry?[Mandy]_

_yes very..[me]_

_good will get you some food in a little bit as soon as we_

_know your stomach's okay [Mandy]_

_great [me]_

_so tired [me]_

_go to sleep for awhile then.[Mandy]_

Mandy's p o v

Fear was gripping me I had never been in charge of a child who was so sick sure miles got ill sometimes but her parents were always around , this gripped me to the core though and left me cold and numb. She was so sweet and so talented and had such a zest for life that it made me mad she shouldn't have to suffer like this..but she wasn't complaining which amazed me I am such a baby about pain. Getting up while she slept again I stretched out over the last few weeks miles and I had gotten into a routine wake up at like 4am and go for a hour run make out by the bridge and come back shower together and go for her meds Sam would check her vitals which I always monitored then we would walk back holding hands talking sharing jokes laughing. The we would get the girls up and ready as Katie went for her jog. Today I had missed that jog cause I didn't want to leave Nazria and my body felt it. Looking out the window I tried to see where Miles was it was ridicules how much I missed her it had only been a few hours but I was already anxious for her to return ..

When Nazria woke up I ordered her the food and we ate laying in bed listening to music she ate slow and carefully afterwards we sat in silence she laid her head on my chest and looked up at me..

_can you tell me stories about u and Miles?_ [Nazria]

_like what sweetie? [me]_

_how you met I mean  
I've read about it but it would be neat to hear _

_about it fist hand..[Nazria]_

_okay sure..._

_well we met when I moved to La and auditioned to be a backup _

_dancer for her first tour as Hannah _

_after a year or so we started to hang out_

_and then when I was going through a really rough time_

_with a friend and had little hope left_

_I was really in a bad way I had been going_

_through a bad time with a boyfriend who was using me_

_for what? [ Nazria]_

Her question was innocent enough and made me choke on my tears which I wouldn't shed she was looking at me so sweet and full of curiosity but I couldn't answer that question honestly without ripping away some of that innocence how do u explain to a kid that guys will use girls for their body parts and for sex just to make themselves feel better all along making the girl feel like crap. Instead I swallowed and sighed taking a deep breath..

_money, fame he was a deadbeat _

_who hated working and so as soon as I _

_started to make money he began to take it from me_

_why would u let that go on?[Nazria]_

_cause I didn't feel I was good enough for anyone else..[Me]_

_oh my god why? _

_U r so gorgeous and sweet n talented [Nazria]_

Her eyes were so wide as she looked at me shocked her words touched me so deep I couldn't help but let the tears fall as I held her she laid her head on my chest. Without seeing it I felt her reach up and wipe away my tears..

_please don't cry Mandy!_

_It's okay he was a jerk_

_he didn't deserve you!_

_th..a..n..k y..o..u [Me]_

_so what happened? [Nazria]_

_well during that time miles was _

_going through the death of a close friend_

_and a breakup with her first love_

_and she had no friends to talk to _

_her career took over her life basically_

_so one night all of us dancers were in a hotel room _

_and she just curled up on the bed next to me and _

_did what your doing now chillin' with me_

_we started to joke around and she just turned to me and said wanna be_

_b f f's? I laughed she laughed but I said yes_

_amazingly though we found comfort in each other and our joke_

_became reality.._

_it's so sweet Mandy [Nazria]_

_yea we try to be.._

_how are you feeling? [Me]_

I changed the topic wiping away the tears I had been so long since I thought about I and I didn't want to think anymore ..

_okay not great tired.._

_thanks for talking to me though.._

_sure babe.._

_can you tell me other stories? [Nazria]_

_sure.._

Sighing I brushed my hair back and thought

_well okay here's one_

_last year she really wanted to go to the prom cause _

_she had friends who were going _

_but she doesn't go to real high school so she can't go_

_well Mac and I decided we were going to throw her _

_a prom to remember_

_we decorated her whole backyard_

_like a midnight summer's theme when she was at a photo shoot_

_we invited her friends like Emily and Vanessa_

_and Zac and Cody_

_I helped her get ready and pick out a dress then I blindfolded her_

_and lead her to the car and made her guess where she was being taken_

_she had he funniest comments_

_but when I saw her face light up well no comments_

_could wipe that feeling away_

_but enough about me what about you? [me]_

_tell me about you how long have u been able to rap like that? [me]_

_Since I was about 10_

_I loved music and dance from the time I was 2_

_I was in dance I felt it was my destiny to be on that stage _

_spinning and leaping I trained for hours every day_

_I wanted to make La Guardia high school for dance then_

_Juilliard and eventually dance for a professional singer or group_

_but dance took so much energy when I got sick_

_I knew I would never be able to be professional so I started to look _

_into other areas of the arts_

_I have a cousin who is a brilliant rapper he taught me_

_how to take feelings and put them to beats_

_he's amazing and I started to see how great_

_it was to pour down all my thoughts  
into a song_

_what was your first song?_

_Mama Queen's tribute_

_aw that's sweet is your mom's name queen?[me]_

_Nah man it's Cherie _

_but I call her my Queen [Nazaria]_

_cause she is she birthed me raised me _

_loves me encourages me and punishes me_

_so she rules my world just like a Queen_

_she never let me get away with laziness even after being _

_diagnosed she was like _

" _Child we still have gotta pay da bills get food on this table_

_get the cats feed and we still gotta get you to that awards show_

_she always said one day I would be dancing on the Grammy's_

_well to do that I needed lessons but most schools wouldn't take me_

_on account of my illness it is so rare that most didn't know how to deal_

_so Mama she never quit she fought and made a stink till her story reached the news_

_and Mac heard about it she came to see us _

_and she asked me to put _

_my frustrations into a rap _

_I did it took time I was so nervous but it flowed _

_when I needed it to and she asked me to be a part _

_of a group she was putting together for a special_

_on TV ..it was amazing ! She helped get me into a school in Manhattan_

_that would take me on as a student for dance illness and all_

_so u never gave up?[me]_

_no I loved it too much when u love something and u know it's right_

_you'll never let anyone stop you_

_from getting what u want.._

_you know that right? [Nazaria]_

_ye..a..course_

I wasn't talking just about dance anymore.. I knew what I had to do I wasn't going to let her go on tour this year without her knowing just how much I loved her. As we lay there listening to a Cd of hers a chorus of a song got my attention ..

_Oh baby, baby, baby  
I got so much love in me  
Ooh (baby, baby,) baby, baby, baby  
Cause if you're gonna get me off  
You got to love me deep _

It was exactly how I felt.


	20. Chapter 20 Down the Road

**Mandy's p o v**

Nazria started to feel better shortly after our talk but as she rested I started to do some research on her illness . I wanted to know as much as I could so I could help her as best as I could.. what I learned kind of shocked and amazed me..I wondered how she manged her day to day life never mind dancing and preforming ..scanning over the basics of the illness I tried to let it sink in..

_Mitochondrial diseases the disease starts as a result_

_from failure of the mitochondoria which is a special cell_

_in people's bodies that are responsible for 90 % of the person's_

_energy which are needed to sustain life and support growth _

_food is converted into a t p by the means of enzymes in the respiratory_

_chain inside the mitochondoria . Defects inside can impair the _

_process and cause mitochondoria failure..when they fail less and less_

_energy is generated and cell injury and even death will occur .._

_when the process is Repeated on a whole scale organs begin to fail_

_the person is compromised or changed or dead.._

I started to read further and see her case..diagnosed at age 7 she had server migraines and dizziness she started having trouble seeing and she was getting weaker in her legs and arms the symptoms progressed

as the weeks and months went on she fainted three times in two months she was falling down and having moments of confusions which grew longer each time..her temp was screwed up and she was having the feeling of pins and needles radiating through her body..she started losing weight and couldn't gain it diarrhea and cramps..unexplained vomiting and shortness of breath..doctors kept misdiagnosing her and then one day she fell in school and had a seizure she was flown 300 miles away to a children's hospital and went through a mill tests before she was diagnosed with Mitochondrial disease. When she was 10 she suffered a stroke that left her paralyzed on her right side while recovering she suffered 3 seizures one left her in a coma for four months. She devolved diabetes and her kidneys began to fail. She spent months recovering from just the stroke it took two years before she could walk and get around without help from crutches or a walker..she had to monitor her diet and always keep track of what she ate and how much she's been on dialysis since then and is on a waiting list for a kidney transplant. Last year she developed Optic Atrophy which means her vision has become damaged she has a number of problems as a result

_Blurred vision _

_Abnormal side vision _

_Abnormal color vision _

_Poor constriction of the pupil in light _

_Decreased brightness in one eye relative to the other_

She has problems when she's dancing now finding a focus spot when it's more then 5 feet away it's made it extremely hard to stay in sync with other dancers and when she spins too much she becomes dizzy quickly. It amazed me how she has kept going plus her legs are so weak she wears braces round the clock and had to have special ones made for dance. It was no wonder she was as ill as she was..sighing I closed the website and checked my email smiling as I saw a message from miles pop up

_Hey Baby_

_I miss you so damn much u have no idea how much I want for you_

_to be here with me wrapping your arms around me_

_right now it's killing me that we are apart_

_your arms are the only home I want right now_

_I can't wait till I'm finally home!_

_I know I'm insane right?_

_I mean I'm only 50 ft away I can see you_

_whenever I want I just have to get coverage_

_but it's not the same I want to be in your arms!_

_You know what I mean right baby?_

_I miss laying in bed with you naked feeling your skin _

_on my skin it feels so damn good_

_you make me feel so loved_

_so safe so secure and happy_

_with u I can smile and laugh and never _

_worry about being judged _

_why am I ranting?_

_Cause I have to sit here and watch Jolynn tear _

_Sunny apart she is just so mean and nasty!_

_It makes me so glad to have someone as sweet_

_as loving as u! I can't wait to come home_

_and look into your eyes and kiss your sweet lips_

_and never ever stop!_

_I love u manderz pls never forget_

_I promise not to take advantage or ever forget how lucky I _

_truly am!_

I had tears running down she was always so sweet and so thankful checking on Nazria and seeing she was still asleep I hurried and poured my feelings down..

_Time is going by  
So much faster than I  
And Ive started to regret not spending a little with you_

Now I'm  
Wondering why  
Ive kept this bottled inside  
So Ive started to regret not telling all of it to you

So if I haven't yet  
_Ive gotta let you know_

You're never gonna be alone  
From this moment on  
If you ever feel like letting go  
I wont let you fall  
You're never gonna be alone  
I'll hold you until the hurt is gone 

_soon hun we will be together and I promise you_

_that I will hold you forever or at least till_

_we both get coffee cravings and fight each other to_

_the first cup!_

_Ah! memories! I can't believe the summers almost gone_

_I feel as if we have barley had any time to spend_

_you say I am your home? Well you are my anchor _

_without u I would be lost at sea you gave me __**hope propose**_

_**and you show me love! What it truly means**_

_so thank you for giving me something to live for_

_and showing me how precious time is___

_**I promise you I will always be here to love you hold**_

_**you protect u and hold you! Did I say hold you?**_

_**I miss that to sweet thing**_

_Soon babe we will have a lifetime of tomorrows_

_so keep holding on and don't worry about Jo_

_she's just an angry upset confused hurting kid she'll get help_

_and she'll be okay but watch your back!_

_See you not soon enough love 4eva n always_

_manderz_

I was so tired from just writing that so after I sent it I stretched seeing her still passed out I went and laid down clutching her nightshirt from last night which still smelled of her sweet mixtures of fruit and sweat..I laid on it and closed my eyes dreaming of her what was she doing now? Probably helping a camper who had trouble swimming she was a water rat after all and loved to help..or sitting with a kid who couldn't go in and doing their nails or reading ..I saw her clear as day in my eyes in her perfectly fitting bikini light blue with green palm trees all over her body looked amazing so tan and toned her perfect abs and flat stomach her long bronze hair flowing down her arched back and that smile which lit up my darkest insides ..her eyes..I drifted off to sleep thinking about those eyes..

**Miles p o v**

_Joelynn put the cat down stop _

_attacking poor innocent animals! [me]_

A soft chuckle filled my left ear I felt my body tense up as Nick sat down by me hands held high as I glared ..

_I come in peace it looks like you have your hands filled_

_with a little demon child thought you could use some_

_relief [Nick]_

_I thought they took her away from you?_

_They did Dawn had to take some girls_

_to chemo_

_so I took over watching the rest of her girls_

_Sunny nice dive..please stay out of the deep end_

_there's no lifeguard there_

_Anissa please don't dunk Milka [me]_

_Yo' Deleon pass the ball man no hogging_

_teamwork dude it'll get you everywhere! [Nick]_

_hold up miles be right back gorgeous [Nick]_

He jogged over to the boys and held his hands out to the boys one of them a tall lanky kid with shaved hair almost bald looking but not bald... looked at Nick and threw him the ball as another kid shoved him

_hey, hey none of that man _

_we don't need violence to get by _

_here let me show you a trick_

_Javier [Nick]_

He jumped in the pool and went behind the boy who had thrown him the ball and had him raise his hands up to his chest and hold the ball to his right side

_don't hold it so high keep it by the arm's length _

_you want to hold it so it's even with the rim_

_and easy to shoot aim for the backboard_

_it'll bounce right off and swoosh into the basket_

_Take your time Nathan no need to rush man_

_let them wait the rewards are great [Nick]_

He watched as Nathan raised his arms and took his time and positioned the ball and focused on the rim I saw Nick coach him talking softly into his ear he helped Nathan balance the ball and showed him how to feel out his way..he took a few deep breaths and shot the ball sliced through the air and swooshed through the net..Nathan stood in the water shocked then a big grin spread over his face..then he pumped up his arms and cheered ,Nick high-fives him and gave him some more tips before diving under and swimming to the end when he got up the water was dripping off his perfectly toned body he stretched out his biceps flexed a few girls oohed and awed. I relaxed and laid back watching him remembering all the times we would swim in my pool or his we use to lay out sunning for hours talking I missed those times. I saw the boys egging Nathan on as Nick walked over to me..

_your good with the kids Nick [me]_

_Thanks miles I'm surprised you even noticed [Nick]_

_why wouldn't I ?[me]_

_well you've been avoiding me like the plague _

_for weeks [Nick]_

_you act like a total hypocrite whenever where around_

_each other you say you want to reconnect_

_then as soon as we do you pull away_

_how am I suppose to know what you really want_

_I'm trying to be your friend _

_look Miles I just want to know what I did_

_are you serious? [me]_

I was burning up now he dissed me left me in the cold and he wanted to know what he did wrong? Here he was calling me a _**hypocrite ! What the hell!**_Sitting next to me he looked so sincere and confused I almost melted especially when I looked into his huge soulful brown eyes and saw that he really did seem to want to make this work..then I thought about the letter and how he was almost begging to make it right promising me to be a better friend to make his promises stick..then I saw myself standing on the bridge tears running down as I waited thinking he would show and freezing ..I wondered where he had been probably laughing with his friends and brothers at what a fool I was... anger burned in my throat and tears formed but I pushed them back and took a deep breath..I saw Dawn coming up with Ella..I wasn't going to make a scene so I stepped back looking at him..as Ella waved to me and called..

_Miley!Miles it's time for my treatment _

_you promised to take me! [Ella]_

I took a deep breath feeling the nausea rise my breaths coming fast..a million memories flashed before me I knew despite what had happened Nick had been a good friend to me and in his own way he did care and I believe he really wants to make it work he just lets everything else get in the way..I didn't want to be the bad guy in all of this either..

_miley what's wrong? _

_Don't u remember everything we wanted?_

_We swore we would be together forever the greatest _

_music couple we swore we would save ourselves_

_to marriage that we would be each other's firsts_

_that we would have a huge wedding_

_and someday we would be together and have kids_

_we wanted to move to England remember?_

_Don't let them be wasted wishes_

_remember...[Nick]_

_I do Nick..[me]_

My breathing was rapid as I stepped back fighting off the tears I could see him blinking I knew he was doing the same as I was fighting them back..his fists clenched almost white..his jaw was set..looking angry..his eyes were just confused..

_That's why I can't do this anymore [me]_

_do what Miles? We haven't done anything! [Nick]_

_that right there is the problem we play this game_

_we make a move take two steps back_

_we blame each other we cry we fight_

_I just can't do this anymore_

_I'm sorry_

_I just. we both changed _

_Nick I grew up and look I'm sorry_

_but as hard as you try you just can't_

_make it like it use to be your not the golden one Nick_

_your not my Price Charming anymore [me]_

_Goodbye Nick.._

Without warning I ran over and hugged him I didn't mean to I just did closing my eyes I let some tears fall and breathed in his scent he was shocked but he wrapped his arms around me and held me soft and hesitant at first then he tightened the grip and held me strong..then just as suddenly I ran from his embrace and kept running I heard him calling to me Dawn was yelling to me but I just kept running..Ella stared at me as I ran past her till I was out of sight..my legs collapsed about 30 ft away and I fell against a tree letting them flow..I clutched my arms over my chest feeling the nausea coming up..without meaning to I leaned over and puked ...my throat burned from the acid as I gagged and fought my hair back..till I felt a pair of tiny hands lift my hair..the voice spoke softly to me..

_Don't let him get to you that way _

_he's just a boy we all know boys are yucky..[Ella]_

In the midsts of gagging and crying she made me laugh her tiny voice so full of innocence and sarcasm

_at least we found something else in common miles [Ella]_

_what's that sweetie? [Me]_

_chemo and boys [Ella]_

_huh? [me]_

_they both make u throw-up..[Ella]_

Her sense of humor lifted me up as I sat up she wiped my eyes and smiled the sweetest smile as she wrapped her arms around me...in that moment I couldn't even explain how I felt here I was bawling my eyes out over an ex who in every turn treated me like crap and made me cry..into the arms of a 13 y.o girl who had more reasons to cry then I ever could in 16 years and she was cracking jokes and making me feel better. Sometimes life works in mysterious ways..in that moment I vowed to forget Nick and my little problems and be a better friend to these girls..after all they were why I was here..Mandy was given up her day to spend with a sick girl who she hadn't even heard of prior to coming here and she did it without hesitance..I swallowed and let Ella take my hand as we walked to the clinic.

When we got there she went to check in and I used the bathroom after a quick pee I stood in front of the mirror and washed my hands dang I was a mess tears had smeared my mascara and eye makeup my face was flushed and my mouth tasted like sawdust nasty..washing it out I fixed myself up and sighed going out..Ella was already sitting in a chemo chair head back as a nurse started to attach her chemo through her port..I sat by her she handed me a mint..

_for your mouth I'm sure it tastes nasty_

_thanks how did u know?[me]_

_Remember what boys and chemo have in common? [Ella]_

_oh yea.._

We laughed as the nurse who's name I saw was Sandy grinned and patted Ella's head..

_how long does this kind take? [me]_

_2 hours or so you want to hold the basin? [Sandy]_

_yea thanks..[me]_

_hope I don't need that [Ella]_

_do u always get sick? [me]_

_no not always some days are better then others [Ella]_

_well lets hope today is a good one_

_but if not I have some books we can read to each other_

_maybe it will take your mind off of this,,_

_sweet what did you bring? [Ella]_

I read the lists of books to her and she chose the one she liked best first I squeezed in next to her and we began to read..taking turns ..she laid her head on my shoulder as she read..

_Eric cried out into the subliminal night air_

_which was thick with fog and rain dust_

_life wasn't fair he rose his arms up to the sky as he yelled out_

_to the fading shadow of his one true love..Lena_

_who's back was now but a distant vision in his mind too narrow_

_for what his eyes_

_could no longer see_

_all he wanted was one more chance _

_a chance to say what his _

_lips failed to say_

_repeatedly so many words phrases echoed loudly_

_in his mind . He gripped his head and rocked back and forth_

_kneeling before ,behind the shadow he prayed _

"_Lord in heaven please give me strengths for I am but a weak_

_and mortal man in need of your heavenly _

_guidance " please let me say the words I long to say_

_Lena all I want is a chance _

_to make things right _

_the words I know you want to hear_

" _No more good-byes"_

_only happiness and joy_

I took over as her eyelids grew heavy running a hand over her head she smiled as she yawned and let me continue to read_ .._

_as Lena turned her golden hair flowing in the breeze she looked_

_into the eyes of her former lover_

_and saw his eyes saying all the words_

_his heart longed to say but who's chapped lips_

_froze at the opening..softly she replied_

_Come to the edge.  
We might fall.  
Come to the edge.  
It's too high!  
Come to the edge!  
Eric then took a step towards her careful as if there was a edge_

_awaiting him looking up slow he felt the brush of her hand before he saw it_

_she took his chin in her palm and smiled very sweetly as she pulled him_

_close as he echoed.._

_And they came,  
and he pushed,_

_Eric without further hesitance pressed his lips against Lena's_

_her kiss at first was unsure as if remembering all the past pain and tears _

_her mind gripped on the fear..slowly her mind _

_stopped working and her body relaxed deepening the shared kiss  
and they flew into a glorious world of renewed passions and trust.._

_when they broke she smoothed his worried wrinkled face and sweetly_

_said.._

_do you want me to tell you something really subversive? _

_Love is everything it's cracked up to be. _

_That's why people are so cynical about it. . . . _

_It really is worth fighting for, being brave for,_

_risking everything for. And the trouble is,_

_if you don't risk anything, _

_you risk even more_

_Eric replied_

_for you I will risk body and soul_

_for you are my heart.._

_Lena answered simply by kissing him .._

When I had stopped she was asleep against me her tiny chest rising and falling in perfect rhythm as my eyelids began to feel heavy..I thought about Nick about our rocky road was he my destiny? What about Mandy? She was the one who made my heart squeeze and jump she was the one .I longed to be with right now..what was she doing I wondered.. closing my eyes I pictured her in my mind her amazing body stretched out on our bed as she was helping a kid with memorizing their lines..I saw her long muscular legs bopping up and down as she twirled a pencil in her hands brushing back her hair as she laughed ..her laughter so soft and sweet ..it filled me with a longing so deep the ache made me a cry softly as I squeezed my eyes shut tightly to see her more clearly..wishing I was with her.

**Mandy's p o v**

Nazria was being checked over by a nurse and a on staff doctor who asked me to leave for privacy when I was sure she was okay with this it gave me a chance to see Mac..jogging lightly I made it in no time she was sitting at her desk filling out forms . When I knocked she looked up and smiled

_hey babe what's up?[Mac]_

_um..I have a question it involves a favor [me]_

_sure what kind? [Mac]_

_uh I know were not suppose to leave camp but I have an idea _

_for a surprise for miles and I need to get something in town_

_but I don't know if it's okay to leave? [Me]_

_I would rather u not leave on your own but I'll be happy_

_to take you in town anytime [Mac]_

_awesome thank you so much! [me]_

_sure wanna go tomorrow? [Mac]_

_yes!_

I went back to my room smiling. I couldn't wait to show her and see her reaction.

**Miley's p o v**

After a quick nap I shot awake by a chill I couldn't explain it was 70 degrees in here but I was cold. Looking at Ella she was sound asleep. So I grabbed my cell and checked my e-mail mom and dad had e-mailed me tons so I replied..then Trace had sent me some and a few friends.

_Miles..[Ella ]_

Her throat sounded dry she lifted her head immediately I was worried her eyes held a glassy expression her checks looked flushed I placed my hands on her face she was very warm..

_Babe what's wrong? [me]_

_not f..e...e..e..l..in..g so w..e..ll_ [Ella]

I yelled for a nurse as I helped her up grabbing a basin as she leaned over gagging and suddenly puked I held her hair back as she coughed and gagged. Once her stomach was empty she took a sip of water from the cup I was holding up to her lips and rinsed her mouth out. Sarah another nurse came over hurried apologizing. She checked Ella's vitals and pain level adjusted the Iv lines and told me to just keep her calm and relaxed and hydrated . Ella asked me to read to her again so I did as she needed to she would quietly grab her pile and vomit.

_Uh this sucks..[Ella]_

_yea I honestly don't think I could ever do this [me]_

_you could if u had to believe me I'm a wuss at pain_

_but if I don't do this well...[Ella]_

_this isn't as bad as the Bone Marrow Aspiration though_

_they hurt like hell..[Ella]_

_what are they? [me]_

_it's where they take a needle this long..._

She held up her fingers to demonstrate I felt faint just seeing it..she laughed and patted my face

_and stick it into my back to extract fluid from my marrow_

_they test it to see if I'm still in Remission every few months [Ella]_

_you have to lay still for hours after or you get real sick.._

_would it help if I came? [me]_

_would you oh my god that would be great! [Ella]_

_course I will babe [me]_

Her face lite up as she settled back grinning she laid her head on my shoulder I leaned in towards her as the hours passed. I would talk to her softly and kiss her head and try to comfort her. She took the wig off which seemed to help her relax..

_Laying together under the stars Lena softly showered _

_Eric in never ending kisses..till air became a urgent need_

_Eric running his hands through her hair gazed up at the stars_

_twinkling far above their earthly form_

_Lena began to chant softly_

_Star light , star bright_

_first star I see tonight_

_Eric started to echo her_

_I wish I may I wish I might_

_they looked at each other and kissed_

_have the wish I wish tonight_

_what are your dreams dear asked Eric_

_to have a million dollars to be successful_

_and to have you.._

_I know silly but it's what I dream_

_as to ease her worries Eric swiftly said_

_no dreams are silly _

_Dream lofty dreams, and as you dream, so you shall become _

I watched her as she took in the sound of my voice which seemed to soothe her stroking her head which was damp with fever brushing back her hair..

_What do you think that means Ella? [me]_

_well I think it means to dream big and_

_if you dream big enough your wish may become_

_reality? [me]_

_Excellent Ella [me]_

_Read more please!_

_Okay! _

I laughed she was so cute in her eagerness for the first time I saw other girls and even a few boys were paying attention now..smiling I held her close and continued.

_Some dreams are impossible Eric_

_no babe their only impossible if you say so_

_Your vision is the promise of what you shall one day be _

_so if I dream it I will be it? [Ella]_

_it's possible yes [me]_

_so if I dream I can beat Cancer I will! [Ella]_

I swallowed hard and took a deep breath

_a positive attitude is very important Ella_

_yes but a lot goes into beating Cancer [me]_

_I know it's not all just will power_

_but if I believe it I think I will beat it! [Ella]_

_what did Lena do ? [Mindy]_

_I take it everybody likes it? [me]_

_Yes! We want to see what happens! [Tony]_

I laughed and nodded as I began to read more glad to help

_Lena looked gracefully to the heavens _

_and raised her hands_

_oh lord so u say it so shall it be?_

_your ideal is the prophecy of what you shall at last unveil. _

_As Eric leaned down and grinned Lena rose and rewarded_

_him with a deep passionate kiss_

_Eric started to reach into his pocket_

_his words now flowing free from his lips_

_he knew what he wanted to say_

_Lena will you ma..._

_Lena get your hands off that trouble making .._

_her mother's anger voice echoed heavily into the night..._

_shattering their peaceful evening... _

_oh no not moms! [Tony]_

_figurers! Parents ruin everything![Sally]_

_Miles..[Ella]_

She reached quickly for the pan and vomited this time it didn't let up her little body shock and she shivered..nurse's ran over her vitals were taken and her temp was taken..she continued to be sick all evening. After 2 hours she relaxed the sickness seizing as she fell asleep against me again..by now only a few kids remained most asleep. Sam came over and smiled

_thank you for staying with Ella we all_

_love her she's so sweet_

_and the kids have such a rough time_

_it's always great when they have someone here_

_so they don't have to be alone_

_I'm glad I got to come to thanks for letting me stay_

_Ella's pretty special to me to..._

_no problem we need more counselors here like you _

_sweetheart [Sam]_

_Can I ask something? [me]_

_sure [ Sam]_

_why if she's in remission does she still need Chemo? [me]_

_it's called maintenance therapy it's to kill any blasts that may be lingering and hiding_

_what are blasts are they like cancer cells? [me]_

_yes exactly..[Sam] _

_thanks [me]_

_Why don't you listen to the radio [Sam]_

_I can thanks! [me]_

_Sure I'll get it for you dear [Sam]_

She turned it to the station playing current music and Kelly Claremont came on with Already gone..as I heard the words my fight with Nick flashed back it seemed so long ago but it was only hours..

_Remember all the things we wanted _

I thought back to when we use to say what we thought our futures would hold he wanted to own his own golf club and go pro ..I wanted to be a photographer ..we wanted to marry someday and have kids and live in England Mandy planned to move to Paris we planned to meet up on weekends..tears welled up in my eyes..as I thought about the fights that would infuse..

_Now all our memories, they're haunted  
We were always meant to say goodbye  
Even with our fists held high  
It never would've worked out right  
We were never meant for do or die_

I wish we would just be able to make up and be friends and least be respectful to each other..

_I didn't want us to burn out  
I didn't come here to hold you_

I thought of all the times we would hug how I never wanted it to end even when I didn't want them to start he could always make me feel so loved when he wrapped his arms around me.._  
_

_Now I can't stop _

I knew it was for the best though we had both grown up and moved on he had Selena who had proven to be a good friend and I had Mandy..

_I want you to know that it doesn't matter  
Where we take this road  
Someone's gotta go  
And I want you to know  
You couldn't have loved me better  
But I want you to move on  
So I'm already gone_

_Looking at you makes it harder  
But I know that you'll find another  
That doesn't always make you want to cry  
Started with a perfect kiss  
Then we could feel the poison set in  
Perfect couldn't keep this love alive  
You know that I love you so  
I love you enough to let you go_

I want you to know that it doesn't matter  
Where we take this road  
Someone's gotta go  
And I want you to know  
You couldn't have loved me better  
But I want you to move on  
So I'm already gone  


I thought about Mandy and that longing became stronger I needed her to hold me..

**Mandy p o v**

Nazria was sleeping the drip was doing wonders to help her the other girls had scattered to give her space. I sat with one of Miley's guitar it smelled of her giving me comfort..I strummed the strings and thought of her as I sung a new song I was working on..

Finally she came back carrying Ella who was sleeping Katie came in and helped her settle down..

The next day was uneventful both girls were on bed rest miles and I took turns watching them and running after the others Mac took me into town and I was able to pick out the perfect surprise. By the time evening came we were exhausted we helped Brandi and Lacey with the snacks for rap session..

_Remember to keep the snacks for diabetics separate_

_Miles_ _take yours you need the extra sugar [Brandi]_

_okay sissy Jo[Miles]_

She sat it down apart from the others soon we had everyone gathered around and we started Rap session is where kids can talk about their illness and how it affects their lives how they feel..sometimes we discuss other stuff tonight everyone seemed to want to talk boys and girls and love...some said how they'd never been kissed but wanted to others talked about being burned in love some thought love was for when you were older...Reba told us that she thought she found someone who she liked but she wasn't sure he felt the same...they started asking us for advice which were not suppose to say too much but then .Kids started asking Katie to tell how her and Josh meet..she grinned and all the kids settled around

_Well we met when I was 16 I was a track runner at school [Katie]_

_not just any track runner the star! [Lacey]_

_thanks Lace [Katie]_

_sure np [Lace]_

_when I was in my jr year I suddenly got sick and started passing out_

_I couldn't breathe so I ended up hospitalized_

_before I knew it the doctors told me I had_

_Cardiomyopathy and I needed a transplant._

_Was josh a volunteer? [Payton]_

_that's how Megan meet her Boy Donovan_

_she was a Voulteen [Reba]_

_no josh was a secret admirer[Katie]_

_why cause you were so pretty and he was so dorky? [Danny]_

_thanks man [Josh]_

_sure no sweat! [Danny]_

_something like that [Lace]_

_hey! [Josh]_

_no it was a little more Dramatic [Katie]_

_was Josh hurt to? [Reba]_

_wow your full of questions tonight [me]_

_sorry mom says I'm nosy [Reba]_

_your moms right kid [Alicia]_

_hey! [Reba]_

We laughed

_you really want to know? [Katie]_

_yes! [everyone]_

_wel...l.. I got his brothers heart...[Katie]_

Miles and I hardly had time to talk but I grabbed her at one point and kissed her check whispering

_Need to talk private[me]_

_kay baby [Miles]_

By the time we got private time it was late I took her for a walk I was sweating so bad I could hardly talk..she looked amazing her hand grasped mine as we went by the lake it shimmered under the moonlight she faced me looking around I saw we were alone so I leaned in and kissed her hard on the lips she responded..we started to reach for our shirts breathing heavily as we kissed all over god I wanted her so bad..she pulled apart though face flushed sweating her breathing rapid..I grew worried..

_Mandy did u want to tell me something?[miles]_

_yes..yes.. I did..are you okay though? [me]_

_perfect I have you..[miles]_

She swayed a bit I grabbed her hand which felt calmly.

_Please tell me sweetie you look so troubled_

_are you alright?_

_Your not ill are you?_

She reached up running her hand over my face I kissed her hand and pulled her close god why couldn't I say it already..

_Miles..babe you know I love you_

_more then words right?_

_Yes and I want you to know..[Me]_

_what? [Miles]_

_that I plan to spend the rest of my life making you happy_

_and I hope you feel the same.._

_baby are you saying what I th.._

_oh..._

She suddenly went pitch white grabbing her tummy..I grabbed her wrapping my arms around her pulling her up as she cried out..

_oh my god what's' wrong?[me]_

_p..a..i..n..oh..it..h..u..r..t..s_

_oho_

_Miles deep breaths in out 1..2.. [me]_

She took a few and her color returned she stopped shaking I grabbed her hand and got her over to the dock we sat down..she rested her head against my chest I stroked her hair..after a few minutes we headed back to the cabin..she squeezed my hand holding it tight stopping..

_please tell me baby I love you what do you want _

_to say?_

_That I love you and I want to ask your_

_hand in..._

_**Miley! Oh my god!**_

Without warning her hand started to slip and her eyes rolled back I lunged forward and grabbed her as she fainted dead away in my arms I screamed as she moaned and went limp.

I scooped her up and ran with her to the clinic Sam grabbed her and laid her on the bed questions were flown at me .I answered them as best as I could..hours dragged by I felt helpless and sick. Brandi and I just held each other ,Noah had fallen asleep after crying for an hour straight. They took blood work and examined her telling us they were afraid it was her heart fear seized me speechless tears fell it couldn't be.. all we could do was wait. I hate waiting!.Finally Sam told me I could see her even though she was unconscious. Worried sick I went in sweating and scared I saw her laying still on the bed oxygen attached to her a blood pressure cuff on her arm..a heart monitor made a steady beep..her eyes remained closed I took her hand and started talking to her softly ..when I couldn't say what I wanted with just words I started to sing one hand ran over hers soothing her while the other ran over the object in my pocket one end was sharp and the other felt smooth ..looking at her I felt my love surge taking over my whole body.

_I wrote this for you baby girl_

_please listen_

_Down the road  
We never know  
What life may have in store  
Winds of change  
You rearrange  
Our lives worse than before_

But you'll never stand alone my friend  
Memories never die  
In our hearts  
They'll always live  
And never say  
Goodbye 

_I love you miles please wake up_

_so I can show you just how much.._

I pulled out the object and placed it on her finger the gold metal slide across her middle finger perfectly and the three diamonds glittered...

_oh my god is that a_

_are you..._

The voice scared me so bad I shoot up and fell off the chair no one should know..

A/n song Down the road preformed by Amy Jo Johnson and Walter Jones...


	21. Chapter 21 Ordinary Day

**Ordinary Day**

**MANDY**

_Is that what I think it is_?

_Oh my god are you going to ask .._

I was frozen in my seat clutching the ring on her hand into the palm of mine..sweat was pouring down as I tried to swallow. I couldn't find the words to answer..I let my eyes travel down again to the sleeping girl laying between us. Her breathing was eased by the aid of machines..running my hand over her tiny one I tried to find the words I wanted to say.. without taking my eyes off her I softly answered..

_I love her and I want to spend the rest_

_of my life with her no matter who says_

_what..or who has a problem with it..[me]_

_why would I have a issue with it? _

_You're the best person who's come_

_into my sister's life.._

I felt my shoulders slack off in total relief at Brandi's words and without meaning to my tears started in silent waterfalls which became cascades seconds into my waterworks .I felt her arms wrap around me embracing me..her face pressed against my check her own tears flowing freely ..we sat there for like 20 minutes just crying as I held miles hand.

_I need you to promise me_ _Brandi_

_you won't say anything to anyone?_

_Please I have to be the one to ask her [me]_

_you haven't asked yet? [Brandi]_

_no I was proposing when she fainted_

_please say you'll..[me]_

_of course but hurry up or I'll bust[Brandi]_

_as soon as she awakes believe me..I won't waste a second more! [me]_

At some point Sam brought in a cot for us but there was no way I could leave her..she looked so pale and so sick..laying my head on her chest I listened to her heart beating strong and fast it worried me that it was going so fast I wanted to calm her down..I hoped talking to her would help but I was stuck on what to say..looking at her gorgeous face all I wanted was for her to open her eyes..

_hey sweetie so we both know I kind of suck at these_

_things I've never been the one with the way of_

_words that's always kind of been your job babe.._

_but seeing you here well it's really made me scared_

_it makes me realize there's so many things_

_left unsaid and I'm not sure what to start with_

_I want you to know how much you mean to me_

_how much I love you_

"_You are what I never knew I always wanted"_

_in my darkest days_ _in my youth I always dreamed_

_that one day I would have someone who could_

_love me unconditionally who could see through_

_my many flaws and believe in me_

_when we met I was still lost and you seemed _

_to have it all together I mean I didn't know u well_

_but I knew you were pretty special_

_and I just knew that I wanted to have you as a friend_

_it wasn't till later that I dreamed of being your lover_

_and by then I was already so in love I was too afraid to say_

_anything..so I just kept holding onto that dream _

_and to our friendship I always thought we would have forever_

_sometimes I forget how fragile life is but I swear if I get the chance_

_I will never waste another day_

_all I want is to be able to hold your precious body in my _

_arms and to kiss that sweet face_

_to hear your voice you are the harmony to my song_

"_Like music on the waters _

_is your sweet voice to me." _

_please baby wake up and flash me that _

_killer smile and those amazing eyes_

_I love you miles and I'll never stop_

_ever so please don't make me wait too long_

_you know I'm crap at that..._

Tears flowed freely and I clung onto her hand till I fell asleep.

**Brandi's p o v**

Watching Mandy pour her heart out to my sister made me cry she loved her so much and I knew it was killing her as much as it was me to see miles laying there so still. I had just come from seeing Mac who was contacting my parents and coming down as soon as she did. I wanted to be the one to tell mom but every time I picked up the phone I started to cry and shake I just couldn't be the one to tell mom her baby was in such bad shape. Checking on Noah who was sound asleep I went inside but stopped when I saw Mandy talking to her if anyone could bring her back it was her..leaning against the door frame I sighed closing my eyes..letting the tears flow..

_she'll be okay I know it_

_she's the strongest girl I know_

_miles is a bulldog when it comes to _

_getting what she wants and I have a feeling_

_what she wants is sitting there praying_

_who can say no to Mandy?_

_Joe? [me]_

_yea last I checked but let me check for you_

I started to laugh as he started to check himself in the mirror asking his body parts if they belonged to Joe.

_Legs u r Joe's?_

_Arms_

_yup Joe's _

_hair perfect.._

_shut up.._

I laughed shoving him. He grinned as his arm wrapped around my shoulders as I laid my head on his arm. After a few minutes of standing there watching we went to the waiting room. Trying to hold back the tears was becoming a hard battle he pulled me close..

_it's okay Brandi ..to cry I mean_

_I won't think of u as any more..wimpy then I already do_

_ow! [Joe]_

I punched him and laughed as I buried my face in his chest.

**Joe's p o v**

When Nick had heard Miles had collapsed he went crazy punching things and yelling we were worried about him he wouldn't tell us what had happened between them just that she hated him and she wouldn't want him near her but he needed to know what was wrong. I still wasn't sure what the hell had happened they had been getting along fine before this summer..still I hated seeing my brother so worked up Kevin was freaking out he was going to make himself sick freaking out..but he's terrified of Mandy ever since she tore his ass out 2 years ago he still has nightmares about **that** so I said I would go check up on her. I was truthfully worried sick myself when I saw Brandi watching I sneaked up and listened. Ever since that letter I was suspicious that something was up it was not at all like miles to write that she expressed her feelings through songs_.."cough..7..cough..things..cough.._ " not letters and if she was seeing Mandy she would never send pics of herself first of all she couldn't of taken them from that angle and second she's way to private. Someone was messing with my friend and it was sick ..not to mention they were involving my brother..not cool at all..Seeing Brandi so upset is what bothered me though..she's always been like a sister to me a older more annoying sister but a sister none the less. I missed her when our families were fighting so stupid but that's what happens when the media gets involved.

**Mandy's p o v**

Somehow I fell asleep when I woke up I saw Mac sitting there with Tish who was fussing over Miley's blankets. I watched for a bit Tish was so worried I saw it in her eyes and heard it in her voice but she was being brave for everyone else's sakes. Panic seized me the ring! Quickly I looked around sweating, mouth dry then I saw her finger where I placed it was bare more panic arose in me where was it!

_Mandy your awake! [Tish]_

_hey Mommy [me]_

Swallowing against the fear and panic. I smiled at her and slowly got up my legs were weak from being so upset running so far carrying her and just not using them all night. She got up and grabbed me pulling me into a hug.

_Thank you so much Mandy for taking care of _

_my baby and getting her here so fast [mom]_

_I should of gotten her here earlier_

_if I had been paying more attention to her_

_maybe I would of caught this sooner [me]_

_oh no baby u can't blame yourself sweetie_

_she gets ill all the time it's just a part of her life [mom]_

_u did great as soon as u saw her sick u got her help_

_if u hadn't been there she might have been on the ground_

_for a long time..[mom]_

I hadn't even thought about that but that thought scared me so bad what would of happened if I hadn't been there?

I let Mom as I call her have private time for a bit Mac and I went into the waiting room where Emily was her head on Mitchel's lap she jumped up pulling him up..they both asked questions. We answered them as best as we could but there wasn't much to say. In the end we just held hands and prayed then we sat in silence waiting..it was so hard.

Katie stopped by to tell me that our girls were so worried about her and kept asking about her. As she filled me in I saw Brandi and Joe come in holding hands. They came up and we hugged,

_any change? We were at the church [Brandi]_

_no change but mom's here..[me]_

_good let me go see her are you..[Brandi turning to Joe]_

_yes I'll go tell Nick and check on the boys [Joe]_

_awesome thanks.[Brandi]_

More waiting...after 20 minutes Joe and Kevin came running in breathless sweating and flushed..

I glared at Kevin who hide behind Joe looking around scared..

_what's wrong? [Emily]_

_Where's Brandi? [Kevin]_

_in with her sister where do you think..[me]_

I growled he squeaked holding up his hands

_don't shot me I'm just asking..[Kevin]_

_use your brains her sister is sick where do u think she would be? [me]_

_Mandy chill out please we need to know[Joe]_

_why? [me]_

_were not here to cause trouble [Joe]_

_so why are you? Nick too much of a pussy..[me]]_

_Whoa Mandy no need to be a .. [Joe]_

_I dare you to say it...[me]_

_what's going on out here [Brandi]_

_were trying to spend time with my sister can't we get some peace_

_sorry...[me]_

_yea that she's such a ...[Joe pointing to me]_

_don't ..Joe_

_Mandy chill please..[Brandi]_

_we need you Brandi! [Kevin]_

_why? [Brandi]_

_yea I believe I asked that twice [me]_

_it's Lacey she's ill.. [Kevin]_

_ill..what ..Joe ..she was..[Brandi]_

Brandi grew very worried her eyes wide..I went over and hugged her..

_she just woke up having a attack_

_and started to feel shaky and nauseated_

_Katie found her stumbling around after one of your girls_

_heard her ..[Kevin]_

_oh my god is she alright? [Brandi]_

_she's being brought in now ...[Joe]_

We raced to the front entrance just as Mac came in carrying her she was pale and sweaty moaning ..much like miley...Katie hugged me the girls were following her looking worried. Ella and Nazria raced over to me and I pulled them close. They fired question after question at me and I answered as truthfully as I could. It amazed me how calm they were when I felt like I was freaking out and they were so much younger..it brought back the reality that these were not just regular kids at a summer camp these kids faced horrible medical adversity everyday and kept their spirits up.

Mac looked like she was thinking to hard her forehead was wrinkled as she talked to the head Rn and started making calls.

**Demi's p o v**

_wow this is crazy! [me]_

_I know what the heck is in the water?_

_Everyone's getting sick! [Selena]_

_Tori don't pull Denny's hair![me]_

_Sunny can you please keep an eye on Mindy and Claire! [Selena]_

_yes! [Sunny ]_

_thank u dear u r a life savior! [Selena]_

We were helping Dawn to watch Brandi and Lacey's girls..10 year old Denny Walters 12 y. o twins

Mindy and Claire Rivera , 11 y o Miranda Elsworth 14 y o Leann Urban and Karolina McGraw 13..plus we had our group of girls...my girls included 14 y o Susie Smithson , 9 y .o Kingston Maire Priestley 12 y o Alexis Lee Granthem . 15 y o Melanie Starr Southland, 13 y o Faith Brooke Hope ,

Selena's girls included 16 y o Nikki Riley Lackey ,11 y o Jessica Stocker, 14 y o Jamie Elizabeth Scott, 12 y o Kathy Johnson , 10 y o Lelia McHolden , 13 Stacey Sjaelland , 11 y o Sihanouk Rivas, 15 y o Aja Alice Cortland ,

Plus Dawn's girls Sunny. Kandy Mathews 8 , Taylor Meghan Chantalle 9 , Chantal Celia Dyann 10 , Annie Simmons , 7 y. o Margy Bridged , 12 y o Izzy Stevenson, 11 y o Billie Maire Cougar . Oh lets not forget Joelynn..Chelsea was rounding up a game of trivia of some sorts in dvd format the girls were picking teams..Joelynn was sulking in the corner which was fine by us but she would perk up when ever someone mentioned miles prob hoping she died or something,some of the girls didn't want to play the game.. So Selena and I started to divided them up to see what they wanted to do..a few were really upset about Lacey and miles both getting so sick..to be honest my mind was focused on them as well. I could see Selena's mind working overtime as she stared daggers at Joelynn..she suddenly went over to Susie and motioned for her to follow her which Susie did..I hoped she wasn't doing anything crazy..but I didn't have time to see Kandy was pulling on my arms..

_Miss Demi dance with us!_

_We want a dance off! [Kandy]_

_okay but I warn u I'm pretty old _

_you might have to take it easy on the old lady! [me]_

_we will..[Kandy]_

_yea We won't push u any more over the _

_hill the u already are![Meghan]_

_thanks..[me laughing]_

They chose the music and we were off..I grabbed Margy's hands and we swirled she giggled , I was amazed at how accurate Taylor was she hit every mark fast and on beat clapping and singing and she did it all without being able to see..she was legally blind in both eyes but she played the piano like Mozart she danced . I was so busy between dancing with the younger girls to helping Chelsea with the game to helping Nikki with guitar that it blew me away when I saw 4 hours had passed. Just as I looked up shocked Selena came in looking pissed..Chelsea looked up with me as we saw Mac enter ..she looked confused and beyond angry ..

_where's Joelynn? [Mac]_

_she's over..[me]_

The words died on my lips as both Chelsea and I looked over to see she was gone ..we looked at each other..

_maybe she went to the bathroom [Chelsea]_

_yea I'll go check [me]_

_we need to find her **now! [**Mac**]**_

I wasn't sure what was up but I never saw Mac so mad..she was literally shaking her face red ..I wanted to go over and comfort her but I was timid even though she was my age she seemed more like a grown up ...so I scurried over and checked the bathroom praying she'd be here even though I knew she wouldn't be..calling her name as I ran opening each door my heart sank where was she how did she get by us? Taking deep breaths I ran from one bathroom to the next and started asking people if they had seen her most grunted and said thank god no..I did not want to give up! But after 20 minutes I knew I was sunk slowly I limped up to the room Mac was no longer there..Chelsea had a worried look on her face..

_She asked to see Selena and Dawn in her office_

_Sel's freaking she's in the bathroom crying [Chelsea]_

Now I was downright confused and scared why was my best friend crying? Selena never cries! Chelsea gave me permission to go she had the girls settled down..so I went inside and found Selena curled up in a corner her face on her knees .I squeezed next to her she didn't look up she just buried her face in my chest and cried harder..I had no idea where this was coming from either but I wanted to comfort her make the hurting stop...I stayed silent and just let her get it out..she cried for 15 minutes or so I lost track..when she was done..I gave her a tissue she wiped her face and blew her nose I got up and grabbed a paper towel and wet it then grabbed a dry one..she cleaned up and after she felt a little better we sat there in silence till I finally took her hand she squeezed mine laying her head on my chest..

_What's wrong Selena? [me]_

_I figured it out..[Selena]_

_what happened.._

_with what? [me]_

She was sniffling and chocking..so I started to rub her back and brush her hair back..

_why Miles and Lace got sick.._

_oh my god how? [me]_

_I started piecing it together when Lace got sick_

_Katie said it was because she had a insulin reaction _

_her blood sugar rose to high..but she has been very careful_

_with what she ate..[Selena]_

_when I was looking for Jessie before_

_I overheard Chelsea saying that the doctors_

_got Miley's results back and her blood sugar had dropped_

_drastically low ...it was only 20...[Selena]_

_oh my god how was she walking? [Demi]_

_it's a mystery she should of dropped hours ago[Selena]_

_Lacey's was over 250 she was almost in a coma_

_I heard she coded and had to be shocked and almost _

_didn't make it..her vitals were all over the place _

_she hadn't taken her insulin ..[Selena]_

_is she okay? [me]_

_I don't kn..o...w.._

_but..I know why..it happened..[Selena]_

_what?[me]_

I was nervous as heck why was she so scared? She was sweating and shaking..breathing heavy

_I pieced it together_ .._miles being so low_

_Lacey being so high their desserts were _

_switched ..[Selena]_

_but how? [me]_

I was so confused how could they get switched? We watched them closely all night..I saw Brandi put miley's by her and Lace was always watching her food and meds carefully.

_Not how..who.._

_what do you mean? Who the hell would.._

I was in total shock..

_Joelynn_

_she switched them..[Selena]_

_but why what the heck was she .._

_oh my god she almost killed _

_they could still..what the..[me]_

It was my turn now to totally freak out I felt my pulse racing I was sweating and felt sick..

_why would she do that!_

_She's crazy oh my god she needs to be reported!_

_She was ..I did_

_I was in Mac's office almost all night.._

_oh wow hon I'm sorry you had to do it alone..[me]_

_what could you have done? ]Selena]_

_I don't know..I mean..be there..[me]_

_you are..right now..that's what I need..[me]_

She laid her head on my chest without meaning to I started to stroke her hair and face she felt warm so I grabbed a damp towel and ran it over her she relaxed and sighed..

_do you want to talk about it? [me]_

_I suspected it earlier and started to investigate [Selena]_

_I asked Susie what she had seen in the room_

_she saw Joelynn sneak over to the snacks_

_but she turned before she saw her switch_

_so I went to her room and went through her stuff_

_I found a syringe of Lacey's Insulin_

_it was full.._

_why would she have a thing of insulin in her case?[me]_

_cause she planned it out she wanted them to get sick_

I stared at her she looked up sighed looking wrecked I ran my hands over her shoulders and rubbed them making her moan my fingers worked through the tension in her back..she groaned and slumped forward as I ran my hands over her back and neck. She kept getting more worked up so I finally took off her shirt and ran the towel over her body which relaxed her greatly. After I had cooled her off she laid back down her body nestled in the crock of my right arm as she closed her eyes and relayed the story to me.

A/n sorry for all those out there who hate Selena and think she should burn but I love all 3 and I love the friendship between her and Demi. There's room on the charts for more then 1 teen queen and Selena is gorgeous talented n sweet. Anyway what do u think so far? Review would be so sweet but don't be rude. Come on u know u wanna just hit that little bar at the bottom see the one right.....there..thanks.


	22. Chapter 22 Photograph

**Photograph Selena's p o v**

_Once I found it I went to Mac's office.._

I couldn't stop my body from shaking as I relied the events to Demi it burned in my memory closing my eyes helped but it didn't take away the events her hands slide over me cool and soft to the touch..

I remembered words Joelynn had said to me in the past how she wanted me to be happy how I deserved to have what my heart wanted. How miles didn't deserve everything she had and it made me question why I hadn't seen it coming. When we were all together I saw her sullen in the corner she was watching the snacks being handed out but I didn't think twice what kid didn't like snacks and wait for them? I was so busy trying to juggle the kids... looking back I could cuss myself I should have been watching her she looked up to me and idolized me ..I was here to make a difference and I had failed because of it a close friend was in critical condition and another was just as bad...I remembered when I pieced it together and how quick I took off to Joelynn's room I was in shock when I saw her room..pictures of me lay scattered all over her bed and dresser, which were a mess to began with there were all kind of pictures from magazines from the Internet from books which were ripped apart articles were thrown aside. I saw a pile of books lined under bed as I started tearing through her belongings duplicate books were under the bed not torn apart it amazed me how much she had ..clothes were thrown in piles and scattered used tissues making me gag makeup thrown all over it was like a bomb had gone off. I went through everything till I got to a box grunting and groaning I pulled it out and was stunned when I saw tons more pictures fall out but these weren't from magazines or books these were real photo's that had tobe taken from her..interment photos me and Demi hanging out in our rooms me and Nick kissing and cuddling , me and mom me and my little sis they were taking in places were you would have to know us to know how to get there ..some were in Nicks room on his bed ..I gasped as I saw one of the two of us on his bed I was half naked he had his shirt off ..tears sprang to my eyes was she spying on me? How the hell did she get this? I remembered that day so well...

It was a year and half ago Nick and I had been dating for a whole year it was three days past our anniversary Demi had thrown us a party we had laughed and danced all night he had held me so close as we swayed to the music we had sneaked in the corner to steal kisses..everyone was having a great time but we wanted privacy so he gently took my hand and lead me outside we threw on large sweat suits and hats as we sneaked out back past the paparazzi giggling and taking off running the wind ruffled my hair but it gave me a sense of wild freedom as we did it running right past them dang they were so dumb rooted in one spot outside her house as we ran down the street and kept running till we were out of view and the hoods came down we had walked to our favorite spot a huge garden which went on for miles scanning the place he made sure we were alone before he took me in his arms we embraced and I saw myself through his eyes those beautiful eyes I fell in love with the moment I saw him ..he knew what I was thinking before I said anything cause he leaned in whispered

_it was your sweet laugh I first fell in love with [Nick]_

His hands had by then worked through my hair his left lay softly on my shoulder and his right had traveled down my spine over my arms making my skin stand up from goose bumps my knees trembled slightly as his breath lingered on my skin..I was lost so lost I didn't see his lips crashing into mine until they were on mine and I was kissing him back the kiss just lasted and lasted till our legs gave out and we crashed on top of the hay and kept kissing his hands worked themselves up my shirt making me moan softly as we rolled ..we must of stayed there for hours just kissing and touching moaning and sweating the next time .I looked up it was late and getting chilly breathing hard we came up for air he brushed some of my hair back and took my hand we didn't need words to communicate we just knew we didn't want to stop softly he kissed my check traveling to the end of my lips where his lips lingered on mine as he mumbled..

_everyone's still at Semi's we can go to my place_

He didn't need to say anything else kissing him back sealed it for him he squeezed my hand and we got up and headed to his place..

We couldn't stop the minute we were inside we started kissing and touching he carried me upstairs to his room..laying me down on his bed he ran his hands over my stomach and kissed my neck sucking on it making me moan looking up at him .I knew without a minute's hesitation he was the one..nodding at the question in his eyes I ran my hands over his chest lifting off his shirt.. sighing in pure happiness as I saw his amazing chest he leaned down into me and I kissed his nipples and stomach he groaned as my tongue ran over he wasted no time in removing my shirt and my bra lifting me up as he kissed my neck and throat moans escaped me as he laid me down a chill ran over my bare chest and back but his touch was all the warmth I craved and needed .I was so damn nervous so scared was this gong to hurt? Did I really know what I was doing? What if I got...no I forced those thoughts out of my head as I kissed him and lost myself in his eyes a small gasp escaped as he hands ran over my legs pulling off my jeans his eyes scanned my pinkish/ purple tong as his lips met my stomach and kissed me pulling off my thong the nerves returned I felt a little sick ..a little dizzy ..his kisses lingered as I closed my eyes trying to control my breathing..when I opened them my thong was off and his lips had traveled to my legs they were wet and slippery and it felt so strange ..I concentrated on the celling I never noticed it before it was a ordinary room for a boy he shared it with Frankie tan walls ...a Grey celling a desk and a TV were in the far right side where a computer was set up a window which was slightly open gave a soft breeze...I stared out it ..Nick was spreading my legs as I moaned I felt him more then saw him rip open a packet ..clouds danced outside at the fast dimming day a bird chirped a dog barked the damn bird squeaked and flew away scared as I felt him shoving himself inside ..I groaned I didn't want to be one of those girls who screamed and cried because it hurt like hell.. I gripped him tighter laying there as he pushed himself inside of me as the world spun ..the clouds danced ...my blood rushed through my brain and to my face I was suddenly very hot..uncontrollably stifling hot...I tried to swallow but my throat was dry ..tears were burning at my eyes but I pushed them back..his hands dug into my skin as he pushed in and pulled out I felt my breath take in and my breathing start to get elevated faster and harder as I felt the juices inside and heard my own body reacting as his full weight bared down on top of me..grunting and groaning he moaned my name as I gasped and felt my arms tighten around his strong upper body kissing his neck, softly calling out his name as I felt a strong and unfamiliar sensation take over my lower abdomen which caused me to sit up holding him tighter wrapping my legs around his waist as he pulled me up as was purely balanced on his hips which were constantly thrusting inside of me his hands running over my breasts. I moaned and breathed even heavier as something bust inside of me and poured out all over him..he pushed harder ripping me apart inside as I finally let out a scream..before collapsing on the bed after a few more thrusts I heard him mutter ..he was cumin and then felt him explode..laying down on me I can't explain the feeling ..looking into his eyes I felt myself blush and melt all at the same time..he kissed my lips hard but it was strangely gently as his lips , slowly I felt myself calming down I couldn't speak but I could run my hands through his curly hair..without pulling out he laid his head down on top of me slowly he smiled something which is rare but makes you feel like a queen when u can get him to smile.

_Are you okay Selena? [Nick]_

Taking a deep breath as I swallowed he kissed my lips brushing back my hair he ran a hand over my face making me smile..

_yea I'm good.._

_was I..I mean.._

_baby you are amazing_

_thank you for trusting me enough to..you know..[Nick]_

The feeling of falling asleep in his arms was the most amazing feeling ever..laying my face on his bare chest as I felt his heart beating.

_I know Sel but she'll be_

_dealt with [Demi]_

Her hands slide over my face as she kissed my head I know she never approved of the fact that I gave my virginity away to Nick..but she never judges me ..

_Where the heck could she have been?_

_That is so wrong I mean ew spying on someone_

_when their making love! [Demi]_

_I feel so creped out _

_how much did she see?_

_Did you confront her? [Demi]_

_yes.._

I looked up at her she kissed my face wiping away my tears as I spilled the rest remembering..

After I saw those pictures all I wanted to do was lay down and die I felt the tears coming in rapid force wiping them away I shakily started to look through the rest. There were more photo's from that evening

and others , I saw another one where Nick , Joe and Kevin and I had been back stage at a sickest kids in the world concert Nick was holden a cig which he hadn't been smoking .I had but he had seen me and taken it away, I remembered that night we had a huge fight over his obsession with miles and I had stormed off mad as hell, I started flirting with Matt the leader of the band he had shown me attention and offered me a cig..I had smoked half of it trying not to choke which was getting hard since I couldn't breath..but I was so mad at Nick..then he came and took it out of my hand shaking his head and kissed me asking me why the heck I would do this..then he told me I was beautiful and I had the sweetest laugh and he didn't want it ruined by this crap..we had looked into each other 's eyes and stayed frozen then he took my chin in his hands and kissed me so softly...we apologized and kept kissing...there were a few pictures from that night..which burned in my mind. Which brought me back to why I was here in this pig stein looking to find out why miles was laying in critical condition ..she had real problems I needed to get over my feelings and hurry up. Scanning the piles I found a duffel bag which I quickly but with shaky fingers unzipped it and then I saw it the syringe in it's case which I knew was Lacey's she had a special one which was pink and had her initials on it.. I also found a book on diabetes and hypoglycemia all the stuff she needed to know how to cause a serious reaction in both girls,then I found more tons of stuff on miles and a thing of cinnamon which was open. Miles is extremely allergic to it ...I began to get more worried ..getting up I ran over and started tearing open drawers and desks tears fell at a excessive rate as I tugged at one door and it broke falling open folders fell and the contents scattered pictures of miley and nick with her face scratched out or marked up with words like "Bitch" "slut" scowled over one had a huge black ex over it , I felt sick..I started to go through the rest of the drawers and came across her journal it fell open to the last page..I read it and shock my head

_Today is the day! _

_That's right I'm going to make the switch_

_were having a get together ugh I can't stand it!_

_This camp sucks I just want to go home!_

_But I have to stay here! Selena's here my sweet angel_

_I just have to get her to notice me and then I can tell her_

_she has to know!i just want to see her happy_

_she has so much but I know she wants the one thing she can't have_

_not fully ..Nick cause he still loves that damn slut_

_miley she needs to be alimented **now**! She's a toxic_

_bitch I can't stand her and she has his heart_

_if she dies he'll be heart broken and turn to Selena_

_then she'll have everything and maybe then I can tell_

_her.._

_it's all set don't need anything got the insulin_

_and the cinnamon it should do it I looked it up_

_she's highly allergic and the sugar free dessert will send_

_her into a coma..am I evil? I mean people will say _

_I am I killed the pop queen! So what get over it _

_we are all going to die someday!_

_Who cares if the ho dies?_

I was shaking so bad and I felt sick..getting up I grabbed the wall and shakily walked to the phone and called Mac who said she would be right there. I took deep breaths and tried to walk over to the bed but I slipped and fell my hand grabbed to the first thing .I felt a knob to a stereo which turned on as I collapsed onto the pictures of me memories flooded me as I looked at them. I saw ones I hadn't seen before me as a kid with mom with my sister with Demi we were little 5 or 6 in front of the Barney set in front of school.. more photo's as we grew in Halloween outfits in plays hanging out ..our favorite arcade..I closed my eyes as I heard the song and replayed these photo's in my mind it's been so long since we moved from Texas ..

_Look at this photograph  
Every time I do it makes me laugh  
How did our eyes get so red?  
And what the hell is on Joey's head?_

And this is where I grew up  
I think the present owner fixed it up  
I never knew we'd ever went without  
The second floor is hard for sneaking out 

_And this is where I went to school  
Most of the time had better things to do  
Criminal record says I've broke in twice  
I must have done it half a dozen times_

I wonder if it's too late  
Should I go back and try to graduate?  
Life's better now than it was back then  
If I was them I wouldn't let me in 

Another picture grabbed my attention when Demi and I had broken into the auditorium several times we would pretend we were huge stars and laugh as we span around stage .. police caught us twice but we did it so many times , they would shake their heads and warn us not to do it again.

_Oh oh oh  
Oh God I_

Every memory of looking out the back door  
I have the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor  
It's hard to say it, time to say it  
Goodbye, goodbye

Every memory of walking out the front door  
I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for  
It's hard to say it, time to say it  
Goodbye, goodbye  
Goodbye 

_Remember the old arcade?  
Blew every dollar that we ever made  
The cops hated us hanging out  
They said somebody went and burned it down_

We used to listen to the radio  
And sing along with every song we know  
We said someday we'd find out how if feels  
To sing to more than just the steering wheel

Kim's the first girl I kissed  
I was so nervous that I nearly missed  
She's had a couple of kids since then  
I haven't seen her since God knows when

Oh oh oh  
Oh God I

Every memory of looking out the back door  
I have the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor  
It's hard to say it, time to say it  
Goodbye, goodbye

Every memory of walking out the front door  
I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for  
It's hard to say it, time to say it  
Goodbye, goodbye

I miss that town  
I miss their faces  
You can't erase  
You can't replace it

I miss it now  
I can't believe it  
So hard to stay  
Too hard to leave it

If I could I relive those days  
I know the one thing that would never change

Every memory of looking out the back door  
I have the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor  
It's hard to say it, time to say it  
Goodbye, goodbye

Every memory of walking out the front door  
I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for  
It's hard to say it, time to say it  
Goodbye, goodbye

Look at this photograph  
Every time I do it makes me laugh  
Every time I do it makes me 

As the tears fell I clutched a old photo of the 4 of us me Demi and our moms wow it was so long ago.

_Selena are you okay?[Mac]_

_thank god..[me]_

She came over and hugged me she had Zoey and Rian with her as well as two security guards rubbing my back she gave me some water and we sat down it took me a few minutes but I began to tell her the words came out slow at first then faster..she took my hand and we went to her office where she called the police.


	23. Chapter 23 I Still Miss You

**I STILL MISS YOU**

**SELENA'S P O V**

Entering her office my whole body felt like I was on a roller coaster full of bumps and winding twists it left me that feeling of vague nausea and dizziness not a pleasant feeling. Mac was talking to the police on the phone as I got up and went over to the walls where photo's lined each wall had it's own section one for family , one for friends in the industry one of personal friends three for the camp one photo made me wonder where I had seen it before and I knew I had but for the life of me. I couldn't remember where it was of a girl about 12 or 13 she had curly blond hair and a sweet smile with a tooth missing it was taken at a camp I could tell she was wearing a bandanna and had sunglasses on top of her head . One wall was for professional stuff. I saw several of me one caught my eye first it was from this years teen choice awards I was in a satin pink dress , I was half turned in my seat my hair hung shiny and full of life right at my neck I had just gotten it cut short and I loved it mouth open caught in a laugh , I remembered that moment to I was laughing at nick's face after him and Kev and Joe had won for best male vocal performance he was shocked. Tears sprang to my eyes what would happen if these photo's got leaked? Nick had told the whole world he was a virgin and waiting till marriage so many people would go against us. I knew I would be labeled a slut a whore a hypocrite , I knew I would never be able to handle losing my career letting down my fans. It was all too much my head was spinning and I felt sick, fear was gripping me, anger was boiling inside how could she do this to me?

_Selena? [Mac]_

_yes..[me]_

_it's okay u know.._

She was off the phone when she came over to me and placed her hand on my shoulders , I was trying not to let out how I really felt I was never one to cry in front of people but the minute her arms were around me I felt my defense's breaking down and I started to cry hard. She rubbed my back and held me as I let the tears pour out soaking the front of her shirt her arms remained a strong reassuring force of strength. My whole chest heaved as I cried and cried. After countless tears and countless minutes I felt my sobs subside as Rian called out that the police were here, I dried my eyes and went into the bathroom to wash up and compose myself. As I came out I could hear Jo being escorted down the hall leaning against the wall I tried to control my breathing and concentrate on being strong. Mac was talking to the police as Jo's shouting got louder..and more obscene..the door swung open as she was pulled in by Rian and Dawn and Maria who's a child advocate , Susie was clinging to Emily who was trying to comfort the young girl.

_You can't do this I_'_m calling my lawyer!_

_Let go off me abuse! I will sue you!_

_Get off of me you bastard!_

_Help me! Take your hands off me!_

_I hate all of u! [Jo]_

_Jo stop [Mac]_

_don't tell me what to do no one tells me_

_what to do [Jo]_

_I'm telling you what to do so sit down and shut up_

_right now [Mac]_

Her eyes were full of fire and she wanted to argue with every fiber in her but even she seemed to know when to argue. So she grumbled crossing her arms as she kicked a chair and sat down hard when she turned she saw me for the first time her eyes filled with worry as I twisted a strand of my now longer hair trying not to say much of anything. Even though there was tons I wanted to say,

_Selena what's wrong?_

_Why were you crying? U look like u were crying_

_who hurt you? I swear I'll effing hurt them!_ [Jo]

_shut up Jo right now your here because we need to _

_get to the bottom of something [Mac]_

_why should I care? Just tell me who hurt Selena and I'll take care of them[Jo]_

_You won't be taking care of anyone Jo _

_now please be quite and sit back..[Mac]_

Mac sat back in her office chair staring daggers at Jo but there was a hint of sadness to her eyes like she desperately wanted to help this girl and she felt like she failed. Her right hand lay on her desk clutching a pen as her left opened a file on her desk, her eyes never wavered from Jo who was begging to look worried. Alexia chose this moment to slip in along with Sam it took me a minute to remember why would she be here, then it hit me miles and lace needed the truth. The reality of how critical this was hit me again and my own worries seemed to pale in comparison. At that moment one of the officers stepped forward, and introduced herself..

_Jolynn..my name is officer Rachel Samba_

_this is my partner officer Henry North _

_we need to ask you a few questions_

_screw yourself bitch[ Jo]_

_I ain't answering nothing_

_you can't make me! [Jo]_

I was shocked she would talk to a police officer like that I would never disrespect a grownup never mind a police officer, they didn't even flinch officer Samba simply came closer and leaned his butt on the front of Mac's desk as Mac moved a bit so her view wasn't obstructed.

_Yes we can make you Jo [Officer Samba]_

_I suggest you corporate to make this easier on yourself [Maria]_

_where were you last night at 8?[Officer Samba]_

_none of your business [Jo]_

_it is our business young lady [Officer Samba]_

_well your the cop so figure it out [Jo]_

_well from what I gathered you really like Selena_

_here..[Officer Samba]_

_yes she's very pretty and she's sweet_

_who wouldn't like her [Jo]_

_it would be hard not to like her I suppose [Officer Samba]_

_yes well duh..[Jo]_

_she tells me you took a special liking to her_

_yes she's the only one who didn't treat me like a reject [Jo]_

_dose that happen often?[Officer North]_

_what? [Jo]_

_being treated badly? [Off. North]_

_enough when you have cancer your a freak_

_Selena she never treated me that way she _

_listened to what I had to say and praised me [Jo]_

_how long have you liked her? [officer]_

_Since she was on Barney I loved seeing her _

_that's a long time huh?_

_Yea pretty much my whole life [Jo]_

_it must have been like a dream then when you found _

_out you were coming to the same camp your idol_

_was teaching at? [Off. Samba]_

_totally! [Jo]_

_I dreamed about this ever since it was announced she was_

_helping out I worked my butt off to get accepted_

_I bet you dreamed about having her as a counselor? [Off. North]_

_yea every night people thought I was crazy_

_and that I should be grateful to just go_

_most of the kids I talked to wanted miles as a counselor [Jo]_

_but you only wanted Selena? [off. Samba]_

_yea miles is a shank and she treated Selena like crap[Jo]_

_how did you know? [off. Samba]_

_The media duh..[Jo]_

_so when you found out you had miles as a counselor how did_

_it make you feel? [Off. Samba]_

_pissed off..why would I get her? Mac knew I wanted Selena_

_what did you do when miles try to make you feel better?_

_I was so mad I lost it and I kicked her..hard.._

_how did she respond? [Off. Samba]_

_She went down like a light ..[she giggles a bit]_

_did you feel the tiniest bit guilty or sorry? [Off. North]_

_no.._

Itwas a simple answer filled with no remorse no ounce of regret or even comprehensive of what she had done. It sent shivers down my spine and made me sick..

_What happened then?[Officer]_

_I thought I would be transferred to Selena's room [Jo]_

_that didn't happen thou did it? [Officer Samba]_

_no.._[ Jo she looked pissed off arms crossed as she slide down ]

_what did happen?[Officer. North]_

_I had to go to Dawn's room_

_how did yo feel?[Officer]_

_Angry Jo]_

_why? [Officer]_

_Cause she had nothing to do with Selena and she was always so _

_Sunny and happy [Jo]_

_weren't you? [officer]_

_Why should I be? [Jo]_

_I have cancer my mom doesn't know or care that _

_I'm alive _

_my dad has a new family_

_I'm alone...[Jo]_

She seemed to sink down and soften up..her eyes looked down and she was fidgeting..

_You thought Selena would help that pain go away? [officer]_

_Yes...[Jo]_

_And miles? [officer]_

_She annoyed me [Jo]_

_why? [officer]_

_Cause she has everything and she acts like_

_it's her god given right she never had to work_

_she got it all handed to her cause of her dad_

_Selena busted her ass to get to where she is_

_and miles always gets more recognizing then Selena_

_it's not fair_

_especially the way she treats Nick [Jo]_

_how do you mean? [Officer]_

_Nick worships the ground she walks on_

_he hangs onto her like she's the damn queen_

_and leaves Selena in the cold[Jo]_

_that's not true! [me]_

_oh please yes it is and you know it! [Jo]_

_Nick loves me and treats me like an angel[me]_

_Yea when Miley is too busy for him he goes to you_

_you don't deserve to be treated like someone's left overs [Jo]_

_he doesn't he loves me and he's so gentle and [Me]_

_your so damn delusional Selena open your eyes_

_he'll never love you not the way he loves Miley not unless_

_she's gone.._

_that's why I did it ..I wanted you to have him_

_to be happy..[Jo]_

_I didn't think she would get so sick but if she was out of the way_

_you could have him comfort him and he would see how amazing you are [Jo]_

_did what Jo? [Officer Samba]_

_I didn't do anything..[Jo]_

_you just said you did it.._

_what was it? [Off. North]_

_Nothing..[Jo]_

_stop lying already! We know you did it![me]_

_Selena please calm down![Mac]_

I got up and threw my chair back fighting off the tears as I stormed to the back of the room throwing myself on the couch..she stood up and tried to follow but Rian and Alexia stopped her..

_why are you so upset with me? All I wanted was to _

_please you make you happy_

_all I did was switch Lacey's Insulin_

_with a syringe of saline and the desserts_

_I made sure miles had the one with no sugar[Jo]_

_she's hypoglycemic! [me]_

_yea I know and I thought she would get sick to her stomach_

_and be in bed for a few days I was planning_

_to arrange for you and nick to meet in private he would_

_be upset and lean on you_

_I never thought...I mean I didn't mean for her to get so ill [Jo]_

_why Lacey? [Officer. North]_

_she was in my way she had found stuff on me [Jo]_

_what kind of stuff? [Officer]_

_Pictures and stuff [Jo]_

_of what ? Why would that be a bad thing we all _

_have pictures [Mac]_

_they weren't of me [Jo]_

_who were they of? [Mac]_

_Selena..[Jo]_

She looked at me her eyes a bit misty I fought against the lump in my throat and took a deep breath my breathing becoming a bit heavy..

_Sorry for what? [me]_

_They were photo's of you_

_And some of you and Nick_

_How did you get them? [me]_

_I t...o..o..k_

_them.._

She was growing nervous and started to stutter

_how did you? I mean you.._

_I watched you from the time you were_

_a kid..._

She fell back into her chair and started to sob.. I almost felt sorry for her..

_Jo is there anything else that you did to miles?[Sam]_

_please hun you say you are sorry _

_help us save her [Sam]_

She seemed unable to make the decision she looked at me

_If u care for me help her I love miles [me]_

_ye...a..h [Jo]_

She sighed

_I poured cinnamon into the muffin_

_I know she's allergic_

_is that all? [Sam] _

_yes.._

_I'm going to ask you to remain standing [Officer. Samba]_

_Jolynn Abby Kassandra you are under arrest _

_for the attempted murders of Miley Ray and Lacey Duvul-Mckenzie_

_child pornography and stalking of Selena.._

_you have the right to remain silent_

_Anything you say can be used against you in a court of law_

_You have the right to have an attorney present now and during any future questioning. _

_If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed to you free of charge if you wish. _

_Miss. Shannan I will need the contact information for this young women [Officer]_

_of course officer here it is..[Mac]_

She handed her the file as officer North cuffed her and pulled her up right she locked eyes with me and for a brief moment. I felt bad for her and almost sympathized. She was lead out as Mac sank down in her chair. Shakily I got up and started to feel sick I had to get out of that office or I was going to throw-up without waiting I took off hearing Emily call my name I didn't stop,just kept going my legs shaking so hard. I felt the vomit rising as I felt the tears start to pour down chocking me , I barely made it outside into the cool crisp night air before I leaned over grabbing the wall to vomit , a hand reached up and brushed over my neck pulling back my hair, rubbing my back as I emptied the contents of my stomach. Coughing and gagging I chocked as tears mixed with vomit, Emily just kept rubbing my back and talking to me. When I was done she helped me back to my room I was numb and let her lead me back. The kids came up to me as soon as we came in but I was barely able to do more the give a little smile as I felt the vomit coming again, my world was spinning and I felt like someone had taken every part of me and twisted it in to a million different directions , grabbing the wall I found my way into the bathroom before my knees gave out and I fell onto the toilet and puked over and over..sweating dizzy and shaking I gagged and coughed...Emily held my hair back and rubbed my back..finally when there was nothing left in me I laid my head down .She grabbed me and tried to get me to wipe my mouth but my legs and arms had other ideas as I fell to the ground face down, the cool tiles were a relief to my burning face Em talked softly but her words were drowned out by the screaming voices in my head which was dizzy full of thoughts of self -doubt ,fear, embarrassment ,anger , they were all yelling in loud bass drumming guitar ripping volumes...the room span and span as the tears came in rushing waterfalls..Loud music furthered the pain as Emily's cell blared out some obnoxious ring tone ..she answered it on the 2and ring..I heard bits of her conversation

_oh my god tell me_

_your lying!_

_No damn it_

_septic shock?_

_Oh my god is she?_

_How is she?_

_How did? How long?_

_I'll be right there! _

_Selena I have to go miles is sicker[ Emily]_

_Go ahead I'm fine the floor and I have a date_

_sweetie.._

_Go Em you need to be there for your friend_

_I'll wait here for Demi..[me]_

She seemed hesitant but she got up slow pausing at the door ,I held up my hand as signal I was fine..

I have no idea how long I lay there the room just kept spinning and dancing as I lay there moaning till I felt my body being lifted up by gravity ..somehow I ended up over the toilet sick..at some point I curled up in the corner..minutes hours later who knows there was the touch of relief as Demi pulled me to her and a cool cloth was placed over my face and the tears which I had been holding in poured down in thick cascades..

**Dawn's p o v**

_How could this happen?_

_I was suppose to be watching her!_

_This can't be real! She was in my care_

_what signs did I miss?_

_Oh Sandy I need you I wish you were_

_here you would always know what to do_

_did I let my guard slip that far?_

_Have I really lost my touch?_

_I thought I could do this make a difference_

_I thought Marlee taught me all the tricks_

_am I really that off? Am I so consumed by my own _

_personal problems that I let this kid slip through my fingers?_

_I was suppose to protect her and guide her_

_now two close friends are laying sick and Jo's on her way _

_to Juvie_

_how did this happen?_

_What if this was a patient?_

_My god I could kill someone!_

_Oh Sandy I miss you still so much I need to talk to your hear _

_your voice and your laugh_

_am I cut out for this?_

_I am so scared Sandy I know your gone_

_but I still feel you I still miss you I still need yourselves_

_If only you could send me a sign_

_Will I do? [Brent]_

_Brent! Oh damn you scared me! [me]_

_Yes of course yo will do..[me]_

He came up behind me where I was sitting with my knees curled up on the bench outside the church praying into the night air which was a perfect cool temp..he sat behind me so I laid my head back against him. We looked out into the stars and I swear at that moment there was a star that shone even brighter then the others it seemed to stick out on it's own and shine and twinkle a little brighter then the others , it seemed to wink at me..

_Sandy.._

I breathed out..Brent looked at where I was staring and sighed

_I still miss her to but I think I know_

_what she would say[Brent]_

_what's that? [me]  
it's from the bible_

_For I am mindful of the plans I have for you, says the Lord, _

_plans for your good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. _

_You call upon me and come and pray to me, and I heed you_

_. You seek Me and find Me: Now you seek Me with_

_all your heart and I am at hand for you, says the Lord...[Brent] _

_Yea that's pretty she would like it she sent me her fav verse and I still_

_pull it out and look at it every once in awhile_

_what's that one from? [me]_

_Jeremiah 29:11-14a; Matthew 7:7__ [Brent]_

_I also think she would say Dawn Rochell stop being so _

_pessimistic and get off your butt you know you are fabulous_

_and smart and fearless_

_and not everything is in your control _

I swear that star twinkled even brighter as I leaned back closing my eyes..

**Zoe's p o v**

_Mac please you have got to come to bed it's almost midnight..[me]_

_I will as soon as I am done I just have to file these papers and fill out these_

_few forms and ...[mac]_

_you've been going non-stop for weeks_

_months you remember what the doctor said you have to take it easy[me]_

_Yes I remember I was kind of there but this place won't run it's self [mac]_

I sighed going over to where she was at her desk sitting behind the computer .I hated seeing her beat herself up over this, I knew she was blaming herself for everything. What had happened here with Selena and Jo she felt like she failed and that she is responsible

_Mac please it's late you have a big day tomorrow_

_You need to rest you haven't slept in weeks [me]_

_I'll sleep when I'm dead right now I need to _

_get these done [Mac]_

_No you need to stop blaming yourself![me]_

_Well who else can I blame?_

_It's my camp I'm in charge_

_Miles and Lace are here because I asked them to_

_They would of never have gotten hurt _

_if I hadn't asked them..[mac]_

_they said yes because they love you [me] _

_and because they wanted to help_

_they didn't know they would be put in danger! [mac]_

_You didn't either so stop putting this on_

_your shoulders[me]_

_Jo is a confused and angry girl who let _

_her cancer eat her up inside and instead of_

_using it to bring a positive message she let the anger eat her up [me]_

_it's our job to save those kids [mac]_

_and we do the best we can but not every kid can be saved [me]_

_you can't take on everyone's actions it'll kill you_

I went and restarted massaging her shoulders feeling the tension in her upper body which took every ounce in me to start to work through it..just as I did she stood up and went over to the wall of memories as we call the one with pictures of kids who have passed through the camp who didn't make it..she stared at two pics one of a blond haired curly girl and one of our friend Julia Maire Carson who passed away two years ago from a long 8 year battle with A.L.L she was on stage in this picture in her ballet tutu in the middle of a show caught in mid-air in all her beauty and youth frozen forever. Mac's eyes filled with tears and I knew she was breaking without missing a beat .I went over and wrapped my arms around her she started to weep. I held her as her body shock...she cried for a good 20 minutes when she was done I wiped her face and held her chin in my hand gently asking

_Are you ready to head up? [me]_

_Yes..ready. [Mac]_

We headed out about to turn off the lights when Dawn came rushing in with Brent she was in desperate need to talk still shaking from events from earlier so we sat down with them and we eased her fears,Mac was gentle and firm with her reassuring her we need and want her here as a counselor. It took about an hour till she was convinced. Finally she got up hugging us her and Brent held hands and went over to the picture of the smiling curly haired girl touching it..softly whispering

G_ood-night Sandy [ Brent and Dawn]_

Exhausted when we finally got into our room she went right over and grabbed 2 beers .I didn't bother to argue. She popped one open and guzzled it down.. we headed up to our room Alexia was sound asleep already And Rian was still out. In no time after the bedroom door closed we started to strip she took off her shirt fanning herself and sat on the bed guzzling as I stepped out of my pants the cool air hit my bare legs and made me shiver..she looked wrecked so I went over crawling behind her and started massaging her shoulders making her moan softly as I worked into a rhythm .I saw her slowly start to relax so I kissed her neck and worked my lips down to her neck where I began to suck..making her groan louder.. running my hands over her neck and shoulders. I let them wander down to her amazing 36d breasts which I began to rub her nipples arousing her to the point where she put her bottle down and turned to me her body fully facing me on the bed so I spread my legs over hers straddling her loving the feeling of her hands now fully on my back making quick work of removing my shirt as I rewarded her with gentle kisses all over her face and mouth. Making her moan my body started to become even more aroused as her fingers took off my bra pushing her down on the bed. I slide my lips over her sweet full juicy breasts and enjoyed sucking them her skin was soft and Felt like ivory it was amazing to be able to let go and kiss her lips freely as we ripped clothes off scattering them anywhere her hands found their way to my breasts where she played and teased me while I threw her pants down and used my teeth to quickly remove her lacy pink thong her body rose in sweet anticipation as I felt the sweat starting to build along my body my lips touching down on her bare juicy Virgina letting my tongue gain quick easy access .I could taste the sweet juices filling my mouth as I fully captured her precious spot in my possession making her whole body squirm and moan pushing her legs apart I stretched her as far as she could working my fingers over her rubbing her and sucking she groaned and screamed as I went faster and harder making her feel as much pain as I could so the pleasure would be that much greater..hearing her call my name and beg me to make her feel better was all I needed to not stop ..I licked her and sucked massaging her for a good 30 minutes before I felt her body arch and her stomach tighten and harden she let out a long moan as she came all over her body finally relaxing..As soon as she collapsed I bounced on her pinning her and kissing her she licked my lips tasting herself on me as she rolled me over and started to move her lips down my body making me moan and cry out for her..she wasted no time in devouring my v-spot with her full lips .I needed and wanted this for so long I was almost cuming before she even touched me but once she did I felt everything in me come alive my juices flowed as the tears ran down and I called her name over and over till I exploded all over her face which made her giggle as she licked it up her lips sucking on my v-lips her hands exploring my body ..we couldn't get enough of each other as we made love for hours breathing in each other's scent ..exhausted and unable to go on I ran my hands over her face and head kissing her we were both sweating and laughing holding each other kissing.. I slide my hand over her head and removed her wig which was made from the best designers in the world from her own hair..but still it was hot and itchy ..so I carefully slide it of kissing her bald head. Sleep took over shortly after.

**Selena's p o v**

Demi and I sat on that floor for hours she kept talking to me reassuring me she would always be there..at some point she got me up and helped me up slipping which caused me to laugh like crazy and look at her she started laughing and somehow we ended up on the floor again. I did make it to my bed where she stayed by me and talked to me singing to me...

_Sometimes You think You'll Be Find by Yourself  
Cause a Dream is a Wish You Make all alone  
Its Easy to Feel Like You Don't Need Help  
But Its Harder To Walk On Your Own_

You'll Change  
Inside  
When You  
Realize  
The World Comes To Life  
and Every-thing's Alright  
From Beginning To End  
When You Have a Friend  
By Your Side  
That Helps You To Find  
The Beauty Of All  
When You'll Open Your Heart and  
Believe in  
The Gift of a Friend(x2)

Someone Who knows When Your Lost and Your Scared  
There through The Highs and The Lows  
Someone You Can Count On, Someone Who Cares  
Besides You Where Ever You Go 

I fell into a deep dreamless sleep..

**Zoe's p o v**

Yea bad thing about staying up making endless love? Well 5 am comes way too damn early when that alarm clock rung. I wanted to throw it out the window. What helped was looking at the beauty sleeping in my arms next to me. Her breathing was still soft so I knew she was out. Getting up I went and grabbed a shower. The water felt amazing and I soaked it up letting it work out every tension in me.

Around 6:30 Mac and I walked downstairs to the first level which is really the 8th floor but who are we to argue..she seemed sluggish and I worried that last night had sapped her already weaken strength as I went to make our tea I kissed Rian's head on the way past he was in the recliner strumming his guitar with the photo book open, Alexia was on the couch where Mac had laid down watching the news. It took 5 minutes to put on the water to boil but by the time I came back in those 5 minutes Mac was laying her head in Alexia's lap moaning..

_She has a fever Zoe you better call her doctor fast_

_she's moaning that her head is ready to explode [Alexia]_

_she feels nauseated as well [Rian]_

_what's her temp? [me]_

_101.2[ Rian]_

She was pale and sweaty and motionless her breathing too fast Alexia helped her up as she was consumed by a coughing fit. Which sent her into spasms Alexia held her as I made the call. Within minutes help was on the way Rian placed the basket by her in case she threw up..I was getting more and more worried..as I went over and placed a cold cloth over her face. I felt how hot she really was her whole body was shaking and I prayed it wasn't too much last night that I did this to her..relief spread through me as Dawn her doctor and a Sam came in and started to take her temp..

_Sorry to do this sweetie but you have to strip [Dawn]]_

_it's okay I got use to it when your hot_

_everyone wants ya..[Mac]_

_ha ha babe.._

Alexia and I held her up as Rian took off her shirt and pants then he worked quickly to remove her bra we helped her to lay back down as Dawn went to work checking her vitals her lymph nods her eyes ears throat feeling her stomach which is where she grimaced the most, her back asking her questions and taking blood which Sam rushed right down..to the lab. Exhausted she fell asleep so not wanting to bother her Rian just covered her up..as we went to talk..

_I'm greatly concerned it's pneumonia _

_her lungs sound like their filled with fluid_

_to be honest I'm worried that she won't be able _

_to with stand Chemo today and she needs it_

_She can't miss a treatment [Dawn]_

_how serious is this be straight with us [Alexia]_

_I think you better call Destiny to come down [Dawn]_

_I could be wrong she could just have a bug but either way_

_she's very weak and her temp is nothing_

_to shrug off.._

_keep an eye on her she shouldn't be left alone _

_I'll put a rush on those tests.[Dawn]_

_Thanks Dawn [me]_

_sure ..don't give up she's young and she's a fighter.._

_we won't [Alexia]_

After Rian made the call we sat back down no one wanted to talk we just watched her slowly breathing In and out. After some time he picked up his guitar and started singing .I found myself looking through the photo album at the kids who lined the pages these kids had dreams and hopes and talent beyond comprehension ..everyone of them came here to learn and to grow..everyone of them had their dreams ripped away when Death came and stole them kids like 13 y o Kenny Vanish who had a lung disorder

worsened by Acute Asthma , 15 y o Kassidy Jordan who had osteosarcoma bone cancer , 16 y o Nick Forster who had Retinoblastoma , eye cancer , 9 y o Kelly Smith who had a neuromuscular disease..as he sung I knew he was thinking about Sandy him and Brent have become close..I turned to her page and thought about how unfair it was my eyes drifted to Mac and all I could do was hope and pray she would beat this but a sharp stab of fear seized me..Rian's soft voice filled the air in sweet harmony as the lyrics washed over us..

**I Still Miss You **

_There she was, 5'3 a picture of my mother's mother  
She showed me love, and all the ways of God  
Her final days were spent in bed where she passed away  
I won't forget her smiling face when she left us that night_

But I still miss you  
All the times we spent together  
To hear you talk about the weather  
I always prayed you'd get well soon  
I wish my prayers came true  
I know Jesus has the answer  
And He's way bigger than the cancer in you  
But I still miss you

If dreams came true, just one more chance to talk to you  
And thank you for the time you spent teaching me the truth  
A boy back then, I've grown up, now I'm a man  
I can finally understand the things you said to me

But I still miss you  
All the times we spent together  
To hear you talk about the weather  
I always prayed you'd get well soon  
I wish my prayers came true  
I know Jesus has the answer  
And He's way bigger than the cancer in you  
But I still miss you

I need some help to carry on  
I need some strength to keep me strong... 

Lyrics to I Still Miss you by Hawk Nelson


	24. Chapter 24 My Wish

**Selena's p o v**

Exhausting crept through my whole body as I rolled over a small moan escaping my lips as I pried my eyes open almost going blind from the slaughterer of bright lights peeking through the blinds. My whole body protested every movement. As I lay there I tried to remember why I was so tired then it hit me..everything came rushing back..fresh tears clouded my eyes as I recalled those awful photo's..pain seared through my head and back as I thought about those them..What would happen to my career if it came out? Miles took so much flak last year when half naked photo's of her came out people turned against her she was labeled and talked about Disney went ballistic on her. I wasn't as strong as her how would I deal? Nick and his brothers turned against her there was no way I could lose him. I love him so much that it felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest even the thought of losing him killed me fresh tears pooled my eyes...clutching the pillow .I turned into the soft whiteness and cried my chest heaving and gasping so hard it felt like it was on fire , I cried so hard I felt like I was going to throw up.

_Sel oh my god your up I'm so sorry_

_I must of passed out and didn't hear you wake[Demi]_

_Demi...[me]_

My tears increased as she wrapped her arms around me and pulled me to her holding me

_What's this all about? _

_This crying come on you never cry_

_don't tell me your going to let this little_

_twerp get you down [Demi]_

_n..o it's Nick [me]_

_What about him? [Demi]_

_I'm afraid of losing him [me]_

I was crying so hard that I could barely see her face but she started to wipe away my tears as she rocked me softly.

_So what are you sitting around here for?_

_Go get him![Demi]_

_But how he has to be so mad..[me]_

_what the hell does he have to be mad for?_

_It's not like u asked for this or set this up_

_your a victim to.._

_his parents are going to kill him..my mom_

_oh god my _

_**mom!**_

I buried my head in the pillow as I collapsed on the bed 

_Yea about your mom um_

_she might of called a few times last night [Demi]_

_might of? [me]_

_yea..[Demi]_

_a few? [Selena]_

_yea a few dozen or so [Demi]_

_what did she say?[me]_

_uh not sure it was in rapid fire Spanish [Demi]_

_great I'm dead..[me]_

Demi started to rub my back

_Take a deep breath and relax breathe in out_

_I promise you will be okay babe [Dems]_

_yea how can you? Look at what miles _

_went through it's taken her career_

_through the mud [me]_

_yea but she's survived [Dem]_

_but it's sacred her she still lost fans[me]_

_she's labeled and people talk_

_all the time..[me]_

_Selena just relax and think positive [Demi]_

_hard to think positive when u can see your_

_future come crumbling down [me]_

She laughed as she rubbed my back

_Well at least you know the ending_

_most of us can't say that [Demi]_

_way to look on the bright side there Dems [me]_

_thanks now speaking of bright sides_

_it's a gorgeous day and your missing it_

_so get up and go get your boy [Demi]_

I groaned but got up grumbling as I went into the shower.

" _You can do this Selena your pretty smart popular you love him._

_.just relax and take deep breaths it wasn't your fault" _

This was what I was telling myself as I walked from my cabin to Nick's .Demi was right the day wasgorgeous kids were outside playing and practicing in one of the fields where a soccer game was going on a few of my girls were involved waving to me as I passed , stopping for a moment I watched they were laughing and joking and having fun just as kids should

_Miss Selena Miss Selena! [Vanessa]_

_Hey baby what's up? [me]_

_can you join us? [Vanessa]_

_Sure honey what cha' ya doing?[me]_

_Were playing Soccer! [Vanessa]_

_Well I don't know how to do that [me]_

_Sure you do...[Vanessa giggled]_

_u may have to remind me it's been a long time [me]_

_okay I can do that Debby is playing for the other side [Vanessa]_

_Well in that case we just have to beat them![me]_

I grabbed her hands and we ran into the field laughing eight year old Vanessa Ridges is the cutest kid ever yea 'I'm not a little attached.." she has Rhabdoid tumor of the kidney which means she has cancer cells that formed tumors on her kidneys, she's amazing though she never let it stops her from being a kid. I laughed as I ran and pretended to have no idea how to kick the ball she would giggle this little giggle and yell at me to stop faking and play for real..which is when I would sneak up behind her and grab her tickling her she fell onto of me laughing and thrashing. Begging me to stop as I tickled her over and over watching as her two brown pigtails flew and her smile would spread as bright as the sun. worn out from laughing as we caught our breath we laid in the grass laughing softly the bright summer sun shining down on us warming me up, closing my eyes I sealed this memory in my mind forever. She turned to me her chin resting in her palm as she looked deep into my eyes and giggled..

_Thanks Selena..[Vanessa]_

_for what? [me]_

_for being so real and for being an amazing role model [Vanessa]_

I grinned outside but inside all those thoughts ran through my mind how would she feel if those pictures came out? Looking at her seeing her eyes so full of trust and love and admiration made me really question ..how could I make a difference in her life? In anyone's life? I was just a girl a 16 year old confused scared girl..

_Nessa lets go Nessy! [Julian]_

_Coming! [Vanessa]_

_Are you coming Selena? _

She looked at me as she turned to me I smiled

_Maybe later baby I have a few things to _

_take care of [me]_

_okay have fun..[Vanessa]_

I got up slowly and went to Nick's room. My nerves were on high alert and my fingers trembling as I knocked on his door , I could hear the kids running around as Joe was yelling after them..

_that's my nail polish! Wait [Joe]_

_give it back u little punk! [Joe]_

_no way Black is not your color pink is! [Little boy]_

_someone get the door! [Kevin]_

_why can't you? [Nick]_

_I'm practicing for a very important competition [Kevin]_

_Kev man the guitar hero comp isn't real [Nick]_

_but it could be one day and when it is I'll be ready! [Kevin]_

_Whatever man [Nick]_

I could just imagine what he looked like as he made a face so cute as his brown curly locks fell over his eyes..it made me laugh to picture the three of them finally the door flew open and Nick stood in front of me in tight jeans and a white undershirt looking so amazing. He froze for a second then his face broke into a grin and he wrapped his arms around me I melted into his arms and he ran his hands over my back holding me strong. Taking my hand I followed him inside and snuggled closer to him feeling a chill pass through me..

_Hey Selena baby girl wasSup? [Joe]_

_not a whole lot Wow Joey Pink is so your color [me]_

_thanks I know ain't it fabulous![Joe]_

He modeled it parading himself around we laughed like crazy..Kevin was so into the game he barely looked up.

_Boys come on you have to be in class in 10 minutes_

_let's go stop chasing Josephine and get your stuff [Nick]_

_but its fun chasing her! [Seth]_

_yes I'm sure it..._

_CRASH_

Joe who wasn't paying attention fell right into Danny's lap as he rolled up and face planted into the floor laying there for a moment, Danny did a spin on his wheels

_wow that was almost too easy like taking candy _

_from a baby [Danny]_

_ow my nail I think I chipped it [Joe]_

_what a shame really now get up and get the boys to _

_camp [Nick]_

_my aren't you bossy [Joe]_

_he' has PMS[Kevin]_

_I do not! [Nick]_

_Yeah whatever you say little bro..[Joe]_

_I'm not the one wearing women's nail polish [Nick]_

_well at least I'll have smooth nails! [Joe]_

_we need to go Joey! [Ross]_

_well hold up there lil 'man you'll make it on time [Joe]_

_don't worry bout him he's anal like Nick [Kevin]_

_dude I'm not the one wearing nail polish and I'm anal?[Nick]_

_yes! [Joe and Kevin]_

_whatever dude just get the kids to class [Nick]_

_why are you so bossy?[ Joe]_

_why are you so lame? [Nick]_

_dude seriously we need to get to class! [Ross]_

_where's my tap shoes?[Danny]_

_like you ever need them? [Ross]_

_uh yea we have a cute sub today I have to show her_

_my smooth moves [Danny]_

_yea sure man and I'm Elvis Costello [Ross]_

_Where's my ballet shoes? [Todd]_

_up your butt [ Kyle]_

_gross man [Ross]_

_yea better hope u wiped [kyle]_

_okay enough we have a lady here [Nick]_

He squeezed my hand which made me smile Danny was bust wheeling around trying to find his shoes.

After another 15 minutes Nick managed to get them out of the place quickly locking the door then leaning against it sighing causing me to laugh.. closing his eyes I went over and ran my hands over his arms opening his eyes he grinned making no waste of time by wrapping his arms around me and pulling me to his chest my nostrils filled with his Ralph polo the feel of his arms holding me made me feel safe and loved so I let myself sink into them. His lips rounded their way to my checks and down my neck making me giggle and moan after a few minutes of gently sucking his lips became more forceful making my moans increase my grip tightened around his shoulders as he picked me up and wrapped my legs around his waist my breathing became more erratic as his mouth moved towards mine the feel of his rough lips crashing against my soft ones made my whole body come alive like it was on fire..somehow he stumbled towards the bed carrying me our kisses becoming more off point landing anywhere neck ,face ,breasts ,chests head, his hands slipped up my shirt as he worked his fingers over the buttons closing my eyes as he laid me on the bed I pulled him onto me as his kisses reached my breasts. I vaguely saw my bra flown off the bed as his lips latched onto my right nipple making my body rise more with anticipation and excitement causing me to moan as I ran my fingers over his chest playing with his nipples my cold fingers warming at the touch of his warm skin. His heart beating strong as his body pressed further on me a flicker of pain came over me as the full weight bore down on my stomach but I was too aroused to give it more then a mere flicker my lips kissing his torso as my hands ran over his body fingers tugging on his shirt which ripped open his groans filled my ears as his tongue ran over my face and ears my fingers caressing his harden nipples , my breath sucked in as his hands ran further south on me the feel of his calloused fingers rubbing me in my most private place over my soft curly hair caused a new sensation to fill my whole lower half as he whispered for me to spread my legs which I obediently did as his kisses filled my mouth making me moan as I felt him stick two fingers inside of me rubbing me making me moan as I felt my lower half fill with wetness moaning. I pushed my legs back as far as they could go making more room which he gladly stuck in two more fingers. My v-spot came alive as I started breathing harder groaning unable to control myself as his fingers worked my inside causing me to "oh' and "ah' a few " oh my god nick's" pain was radiating through my legs which were spread so far it felt like the end of the earth trying not to think about the pain .I made my fingers work on something else like undoing his pants which came off easier then I would of thought. Within minutes his tongue was working my clitoris making my moans increase the feeling of warmth became stronger as his tongue hit me over and over with more force then I thought my body could stand distracting myself from the pain .I let my fingers glide over his throbbing member feeling him grow bigger and harder as I stroked him over and over my pinkie rubbed over his tip causing him to erotic, just when I thought I would explode he slipped inside of me biting my lip so I wouldn't scream I gave in to him closing my eyes laying back as he pounded me inside harder and harder my legs shock as my whole body was taken over he leaned down and kissed me over and over deeper our tongues becoming entwined as we kept kissing ,I felt his tongue run over my lips and my teeth, I couldn't stop the moans which escaped as my v-spot was plunged repeatedly till I reached my climax and released pushing my legs up above my head he crawled onto me and thrusted harder so hard I felt as if I was being ripped apart into a million freaking pieces calling his name over and over as tears ran down my eyes he silenced me by kissing me so deep I felt his touch into the depths of my throat. feeling his member deep in my private was the most unusual and yet natural feeling in my whole world. He grew harder and harder as he made love to me in-till he reached his climax and came inside of me letting out a long deep yet soft moan I can't describe that feeling as he filled me up then went slack on me letting himself stay inside of me as his mouth kissed and sucked on my nipples. exhausted behind belief I let my body sink into the pillows closing my eyes as he entered me again soaking wet my body begged for more and he gave it to me over and over my clitoris opened without hesitation. Over an hour later he finally collapsed onto me breathing hard..my own heart felt like it was beating itself to death. As he laid on me I ran my hands over his hair and face he kissed my face and mouth. Closing my eyes I let sleep take me away..feeling him holding me..

**Nick's p o v**

So if I was a women I would be called a slut or a whore about now cause the whole time I was having sex with Selena who was amazing to touch and tease and feel . All I was thinking about was making love to miles. It was her I was imagining and wanting to be with , I thought about how soft her skin is like a baby's arms that has just had a warm bath by his mama's touch then spread baby lotion on. Her breath which always smelled of vanilla and her body which smelled of cinnamon when I was inside of her, I was picturing holding Miley as I made love to her the feeling of my penis being cushioned by her sweet cocoon of warmth. Her eyes I saw them in my mind her soft moans calling my name begging me for more. Then as I lay there holding Selena who was kissing me and doing everything to please me all I saw was miles..after she fell asleep I let the guilt wash over me I was a jerk yes I get that having sex with Selena letting her believe it was her that I wanted while the one I really wanted was laying 50 feet away in a hospital bed hooked to machines and monitors. Fighting for her life unable to laugh which she loves to do unable to run or play pranks. It made me so mad all I wanted was to see her hold her hand tell her I loved her and needed her but Mandy wouldn't let me near her acting like she was a guard dog ready to pounce if I even went near the damn building.

_Nick baby? [Selena]_

_yes sweetheart? [me]_

I was so sweet I'm shocked I didn't give myself a sugar rush and need insulin

_I'm sorry..[Selena]_

_for what? You were amazing [me]_

_[ she giggled]_

_no not for that I hope I got it right after all the practice we have done_

_since the first time..[Selena as she leaned up kissing me]_

_you have honey so what are you sorry for? [me]_

_the pictures the trouble..[Selena]_

_why you didn't take them babe [me]_

_yea but she was obsessed with me [Selena]_

_not your fault and my parents will never find out_

_Mac will make sure of that I'm sure of it_

_their have to if this goes to trail [Selena]_

_I'm sure she'll cop a deal on that part [me]_

_what if she don't? [Selena]_

_then will deal no one has to know what went on_

_We can just say we were making out..it got a little to.._

_Nick she has pictures of us in the act..[Selena]_

_She has what? [Me]_

Panic began to rise my parents my fans my mangers all thought I was a virgin what the hell would happen if it came out I wasn't? A cold wind ripped through my body without thinking I pulled her closer and held her tight she sunk into my embrace and cuddled closer.

_Then will get through it u and I together _

_forever I promise babe [me]_

_your sure you don't hate me? [Selena]_

_I could never hate you princess [me]_

Running my hand through her thick black hair I kissed her forehead and her face.

_Thanks Nicky I love you [Selena]_

Sighing she went to sleep again before I had to say it back not that I didn't love her but I felt so hypocritical. After she was asleep for at least 15 minutes I carefully got up and went into the bathroom washing up and getting dressed, she was still asleep hugging the pillow as I grabbed my key and slipped out. The summer sun was still shining bright as I made my way through the paths passing a soccer game and another field where some of my boys and girls from my project group were rehearsing a song trying to put the moves together, it took only a few minutes to get to the clinic where I was greeted by Ella who was curled up in a corner tears running down her face, I knew miles had taken a liking to her and spent extra time with her so I went over kneeling in front of her

_Hey sweetie what's wrong? [me]_

_nothing..[Ella]_

She looked startled as I came up to her quickly wiping away her tears

_it's okay to cry you know?_

_No! [Ella]_

She jumped up and tried to run but I grabbed her and pulled her to me she tried to fight me but even without trying to be strong I was too strong for her and she surrounded to my arms. Her tears damping my t-shirt as her tiny body shock..rubbing her back I ran my hand over her neck and let her get it out when she calmed down. I grabbed a tissue and wiped her face ..she curled back up in the plastic chair which could not be comfortable...at a lost for words I knelled before her and took her tiny hands into mine

_I know I'm not miles but I am a close friend_

_of hers would u care to tell_ _me what's wrong?_

_Maybe I can help you feel better? [me]_

_can u wake her up and make her keep her_

_promise? [Ella]_

_No..sweetie I can't do that [me]_

_Then u can't help ..[Ella]_

_I'm sorry sweetie..[me]_

_Don't worry I wouldn't expect u to keep a promise_

_your lousy at that sort of thing..[Ella]_

She got up and walked out leaving me flabbergasted. What did I do to her? Turning slightly she went into the lab as the nurse called her name. With one last look she shock her head at me and went inside.

Unable to do anything else for her I got up and headed upstairs to where miles was, why was I being called the bad guy? Taking the elevator up to the floor miles was I tried to recall what might of happened to make Ella hate me? What lies did Mandy tell her? It had to be her. What a contrast in the units here while downstairs was busy full of treatments and kids running around chasing each other practicing routines and staff running around tracking down lab techs and kids music blared out of speakers and laughter echoed in the halls, upstairs was quite no one was rushing around or yelling orders rooms to the door were closed and the few sounds that were heard were the beeping of machines .

Nurses were around but it was quieter more subdue, miles was now in the intensive care unit where visitors were restricted two at a time no one under 18 .I had to be very careful that I didn't get caught not to mention that I was on the restricted list by her mom. Hiding behind a wall I checked out the scene her room was #5 no one seemed to be around. Stepping out I quickly went over to the window ducking just in case. Good thing I did to cause as soon as I came up I saw that Mandy and her miles mom were in the room, Mandy was holding her hand talking to her softly stroking her face which looked pale as much as I could see beyond the glass and the tubes and wires attached to her she had a bunch of machines on her I wish I knew what they were I couldn't tell how she was she looked motionless her chest rising and falling by the aid of machines her eyes remained closed her mom was standing next to her bed her body pressed to her daughters as if afraid to leave her side she was stroking the other side of her face her eyes never leaving her child's face which she would push free from her wild hair and gently kiss every so often. Fear had gripped me by now she was acting like she was on deaths watch, I wanted so bad to be in there to be the one holding her hand talking to her comforting her but I was trapped outside fully standing

_If u ask they may let u inside_

_ah! [me]_

I was startled as Mac came up and scared me as I turned to see her I saw that Zoe and Rian were holding her arms even though they were trying to be discrete about it I was use to covering up I did it a lot when I wanted to go out. Not wanting to make it a big deal I brushed it off but I couldn't help to see that she was pale and shaking she had on baggy gray sweat pants very unusual for her since she was normally dressed like we did in more dressier clothes the pants seemed to hang on her but not by much. She also had on a light blue t-shirt and a black zip up hoodie.

_Sorry didn't mean to scare you [mac]_

_s'kay uh I'm sorry I ..[me]_

_it's okay I know your on the restricted list_

_but you can't help who u care for huh? [Mac]_

_Yea kind of I should go..[me]_

I started to back up..

_Wait babe it's not fair if u want to see her_

_you should..hold on let's go..[Mac]_

We went inside unnoticed her mom was softly singing to her as Mandy had her head on her chest..

I didn't know the song but the words sounded beautiful..

_The sun's fading out of sight,  
Baby dear, Baby dear;  
But I'll be close by all night,  
So do not fear.  
Within your little room,  
Shadows creep,  
The shadows creep,  
But love watches over thee,  
Love watches over thee.  
Sleep!  
Do not fear;  
Sleep,  
Baby dear!_

When shadows of darkness fall,  
Through the night, through the night;  
God's arms wrap around us all,  
We're safe tonight.  
The light may seem to fade;  
Shadows creep,  
The shadows creep,  
Still God watches over thee,  
God watches over thee.  
Sleep!  
Do not fear;  
Sleep,  
God is near. 

Miles never moved but her heart monitor made a louder beep as she went right on sleeping. Slowly Mandy turned and saw me as her eyes dripped with tears..

_What are you doing here? [Mandy]_

_he's not suppose to be here..[Mandy]_

_I'm aware of that [Mac]_

_but he's in pain and just wants to see a friend_

_it can't hurt we shouldn't hold grudges in this time [MAC]_

_Grudges? He broke her heart twice! [Mandy]_

_it's okay if he wants to visit but I swear if you upset her_

_I'm hunting u down Nicholas [Tish]_

_I need a break but I'll only be five minutes.._

_Mandy come with me please.._

_but I can't...I need..[Mandy]_

_please babe u haven't had a thing to eat in two days_

_You haven't slept u need a break..[Tish]_

_Fine...[Mandy]_

She got up but not happily as she passed me she hissed at me..

_u break her heart u little weasel_

_I'll break your face and your lil' Jr member [Mandy]_

I swallowed and had to admit to myself she scared the shit out of me her eyes never broke mine and they looked angry as hell. Her fists were clenched tight . I was in shock she had no shame in threating me and she meant every word to..

_Mandy seriously! Lets go honey_

_Don't take your anger out on him [Tish]_

_enough of threats and language [Tish]_

_Please lets go.._

Her mom looked exhausted and like she was ready to pass out, she grabbed Mandy's arm and pulled her away holding onto her, Mandy reciprocated and placed her head on her shoulder as they went out. Mac walked me up to her bed and I took her hand..

_What are all these machines? [me]_

_this is called a ECHMO _ [Mac]

_what does that mean? [me]_

_it means that this machine has taken over the _

_job of her heart and lungs allowing them to rest _

_and heal while we pump medicine_

_into her trying to counteract the damage the cinnamon did_

_Can she breathe on her own? [me]_

_Not yet but were working on that's why she is on_

_a load of medicines _

_Epinephrine is slowly being administrated_

_we need to do it as slow as possible cause it can cause_

_tachycardia which she already has so we don't want _

_to onset it but we need to bring her heart back up to speed_

_she went into cardiac arrest _

_after she went into Anaphylactic shock._

_She's on a iron supplement _

_and a saline drip_

_Crystalloid infusions to treat her _

_Septic shock [Mac]_

_Did it cause any damage?[me]_

_Not that we know of I think they got her treated in time _

_We are watching her kidney's and vital organs [Mac]_

_can I ? [me]_

_yes of course_

She went over and kissed her forehead and ruffled her hair talking softly to her leaving me alone with her , taking a deep breath I sat by her and took her hand as soft as I remembered smooth leaning down I kissed it she still smelled of vanilla which made me smile. I sat there staring at her she looked gorgeous even as pale as she was and as sick she still had a glow to her.

_Well miles here I am again talking to you_

_but u can't hear me or maybe you can _

_I don''t know I wish I did_

_no maybe not u might get up and slap me_

_on second thought if u can hear me_

_get up and slap me_

_I will gladly take it as long as u open _

_those gorgeous blue eyes and say something_

_do something just open those eyes!_

_I miss you miles so much _

_I miss your smile and your sweet laughter_

_I miss hearing you yell at me!_

_I just miss you so much you bring so much_

_joy to all of our lives_

_You are always there for everybody  
You bring the bright rays of light to the cloudy days  
You are an inspiration for everybody  
Oh how I wish that you could stay _

_please miles I don't know what I did to you_

_I wanted to get closer to you this summer_

_I came here with the hope of reconnecting even stronger_

_then we were but you've blown me off ever since you fainted_

_Are you sick? Did u find out bad news and are too afraid to tell me?_

_I can handle it please let me handle it_

_I love you _

_And it hurts to see you so sick_

_Even if u hate me please just get better_

_so many people love and need you_

_besides your family and friends_

_there's your fans and these kids_

_They all need you Ella she's real upset about some kind of promise_

_you made to her that she thinks you broke_

_please come back to us.._

I sat in silence what else could I say? I watched her she made no movement my fingers stroked her hand wanting so hard for me to feel her squeeze them..I sat there for awhile before I suddenly got a tune in my head and started to sing it, I couldn't remember who sang this song but it was catchy..

_I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow  
And each road leads you where you want to go  
And if you're faced with the choice and you have to choose  
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you_

And if one door opens to another door closed  
I hope you keep on walkin' ? til you find the window  
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile  
But more than anything, more than anything

My wish for you  
Is that this life becomes all that you want it to  
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small  
You never need to carry more than you can hold

And while you're out there gettin' where you're gettin' to  
I hope you know somebody loves you  
And wants the same things too  
Yeah, this is my wish

I hope you never look back but you never forget  
All the ones who love you and the place you left  
I hope you always forgive and you never regret  
And you help somebody every chance you get

Oh, you'd find God's grace in every mistake  
And always give more than you take  
But more than anything, yeah more than anything

My wish for you  
Is that this life becomes all that you want it to  
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small  
You never need to carry more than you can hold

And while you're out there gettin' where you're gettin' to  
I hope you know somebody loves you  
And wants the same things too  
Yeah, this is my wish, yeah yeah

My wish for you  
Is that this life becomes all that you want it to  
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small  
You never need to carry more than you can hold

And while you're out there gettin' where you're gettin' to  
I hope you know somebody loves you  
And wants the same things too  
Yeah, this is my wish  
(My wish for you)

This is my wish  
(My wish for you)  
I hope you know somebody loves you  
(My wish for you)  
May all your dreams stay big  
(My wish for you) 

_That somebody miles is me with all my heart and soul_

_and my wish is that you wake up so please Bab..._

My voice chocked as I felt a tiny but firm squeeze on my fingers...


	25. Chapter 25 Some Hearts

**Some Hearts**

**Mandy's p o v**

" _Sweetie what's with the hate on Nick?[Tish]_

_he's a heartbreaking two timing lying_

_flipping jerk! [me]_

_yes and you've known that for how long? [Tish]_

_it's just that god..[me]_

_what's wrong darling? [Tish]_

She took my hands which were shaking as I paced the waiting room finally she came over and handed me a cup of coffee and guided me over to a chair

_Sit baby talk to me this isn't like you_

_what the heck is going on darlin' [Tish]_

_this is sucks..[me]_

I fumbled with the ring in my pocket I couldn't tell her or could I? Traditional I should of asked for her parents blessings anyway, but this wasn't a typical case first off we were both girls and even though I knew her parents were okay with us and thought of me as part of the family there was a major difference between being friends to friends in love and a friend that proposes then there was the fact that she is 16! Still maybe she would be..no I couldn't take that chance ..without realization it she had slipped her hand over my hand that was fidgeting with the ring..

_honey what is it? _

_Talk to me please [Tish]_

_I tried I mean I didn't .._

[sighing_]_

_what is it? Seriously you can tell me _

_anything are you okay?_

_Please tell me your not sick to_

_I already have one baby in there fighting_

_..No I'm not sick.._

Not yet I thought but I was starting to feel it..I could feel my face heating up and and had to get out of there jumping up so quick I forgot my coffee in till I heard a splash and felt a burning on my legs..letting out a yelp the cup fell from my hands as hot tears burned at my eyes.

_Oh my gosh baby _

_let me get a towel get those pants off your leg_

_is going to burn..[Tish]_

_crap..why me..[me]_

In a hurry I threw the cup down and grabbed my pants tearing them off as I did Tish came up with a towel for me to take the sting off, helping me over to the chair I sank down closing my eyes as the tears burned behind my eyes.

_You know you don't have to be strong _

_all the time [Tish]_

She smeared some burn gel on my leg and held it up fanning it

_it's okay to unload that's why we have each _

_other baby [Tish]_

_legs dry _

_thanks..[me]_

Standing up I yanked on the pants hearing a rattle as something hit the floor..

_what's this baby?_

I gasped as she held up my ring box..

She looked startled as she picked it up staring at me

_uh care to explain? [Tish]_

Not knowing how to answer all I could do was stare at it in her hands her eyes full of questions as she looked deep into my eyes..I tried to swallow but my throat was tight and dry. How was I suppose to tell her I was about to ask her 16 year old child to marry me? It seemed crazy and childish and I started to wonder what I was thinking asking her in the first place. She was still a kid she shouldn't be tied down what kind of person would her mom think I was? I didn't want Tish to think I was taking advantage of her kid...

_Mandy? [Tish]_

_I'm sorry Tish I …[me]_

_baby what is it? [Tish]_

_did u buy this? [Tish]_

I couldn't lie to her she cupped my chin in her hands and pulled my face up to meet her eyes.

_It's okay you can tell me [Tish]_

_I did..I wanted to.._

_I mean..[me]_

Her arms embraced me and held me as I started to cry

_Yes I brought it I was asking her_

_To marry me when she collapsed_

_I don't want her to be under any obligations _

_she can say no I mean..I just..[me]_

_she'll say yes I know her Mandy_

_she loves u with her whole heart _

_and part of her dreams for the future _

_is spending her life with you so relax all I want_

_is for miles to be happy _

_and u make her happy_

_so I will not stand in your way if she's ready_

_if she says yes you may ask her with my blessing_

_but she is not ready to get married now_

_she's 16 ..[Tish]_

_I know I would never ask her_

_to marry me right now! [me]_

_I know she needs time to be a kid _

_to finish school and film _

_HM 4 and do so many things_

_including collage if she wants _

_but I will wait for her in-till she's ready[me]_

_thank you that's all I could ask of you_

_I couldn't be any happier or prouder to say _

_welcome to the family [Tish]_

She came over and hugged me tight as soon as her arms wrapped around me the tears flowed and I let myself sink into her embrace. All the emotions I had been experiencing poured out as she rubbed my back and rocked me as much as you can standing up.

_Mandy oh my god is it!_

_Is Miley ..did she..[Demi]_

_hey no oh wow sorry [me]_

_no she's good I mean no change_

_oh thank god! I mean oh my god Tish not that_ _I'm_

_glad that there's no change cause I'm not I want ..[Demi]_

_what she's trying to say is she's glad miles hasn't gotten_

_worse and that she's holding on strong_

_like we knew she would..[Selena]_

_yes uh yes that's what I meant [Demi]_

_so are you okay? [Demi]_

_yea I just got a little upset sorry it's hard to see her_

_so still..[me]_

_hey she'll be alright Mandy _

_she's strong and she's young [Demi]_

_yea and she has all of us by her side who can _

_stay asleep when were all here? [Selena]_

_thanks girls [Tish]_

_I'm glad my daughter has so many _

_friends she can count on it helps [Tish]_

_group hug.._

She opened her arms so we went straight into them I had to keep their words in my mind as I thought about miles.

**Nick p o v**

_Miles baby you have to wake up_

_we need you_

_there's so many of us praying for you_

There was still no response from her she just laid there and it drove me nuts hearing her heartbeat in that tiny box made me wanna scream but that would get me kicked out so instead after a quick look around to make sure no one was around. I crawled into bed with her if she wouldn't even let me hold her hand when she was awake I was going to take her in any way possible. Wrapping my arms around her I could feel her heart beating strong against me her body radiated heat as I leaned closer I could smell her fruity shampoo and conditioner and her perfume she was heaven in one body touching her hair. I couldn't help but think of the days when she was my girlfriend and we would lay together and I would run my hands through her hair. As I brushed over face I was drawn to her and without thinking I leaned in and kissed her, the feel of her lips touching mine electrified my whole body and I wrapped my arms around her tighter laying my head on her chest, Exhausting started to set in I haven't slept in days since she got sick. Feeling her heart beat in a steady rhythm lured me into a sleep.

**Kevin's p o v**

_Aw look at wittle_ _Nicky_ [Joe]

_picture opp! [Me]_

_ah blackmail so sweet [Joe]_

_we should put some whip cream on his face [me]_

_oh yea and some gummy bears! [Joe]_

_oh I know we should put something yummy in front of_

_his nose [me]_

_and what would that accomplish? [Joe]_

_he would start to drool[me]_

_oh yea and that would be awesome! [Joe]_

We high fived..As Joe was laughing at the photo's we took and busy plotting blackmail options I watched Nick curled up with Miles and felt a shiver of fear run through my spine she looked so small and helpless so sick..the monitor scared me her heart was so big so full of life and laughter and love it shouldn't be contained in one tiny box..all I could hear was her flat lining and the look on his face was what tore me apart he looked so scared but as he drifted off there was a peacefulness to him as he wrapped his arms around her and just held her he looked like he was at home,what would he do if she didn't make it? He had been through so much already with his illness and our rough rise to fame he deserved a break. What would he do if she woke up and rejected him? That picture of her and Mandy still burned in my mind...at first it had grossed me out I mean they were both girls but then I found myself staring at the photo when no one was around [no not in a perverted way] and all I saw were their eyes and how they looked at each other so passionately and it hit me who cares what their sex is? Their 2 people in love and that's what should count and it hit me as well that as much as she cared about Nick she would never love Nick that way as she looked at Mandy in that photo.

_So yea that would be so .._

_no don't even think about it Joe..[me]_

_you don't even know what I was..[Joe]_

_just don't...[me]_

_ah fine I better go cancel that_

_50 copies I sent to the star.._

I hit my head as he ran off.

**Mandy's p o v**

Standing outside her room I saw Nick curled up besides her and had to clench my fists I wanted nothing more then to rip him off the bed and shove his head down the damn toilet. Instead I calmly walked over and took her hand in mine. Raising it to my lips I kissed it gently they were warm and moved ever so softly..closing my eyes I ..wait they moved! I shot up and stared at her hands which were moving ever so slightly..

_Miles baby please come back to me_

_I know your trying please don't give up_

_I need you and you have so much left to do_

_before I found you I was so lost_

_I gave myself to all the wrong guys_

_I never believed I was worth anything_

_I was lost and broken and pretty much didn't_

_care what happened to me _

_then you came along and changed my world_

_you were so young so innocent and so full_

_of life and love you didn't judge me you just loved me_

_and you never stop encouraging me_

_That's how she is you know_

_she just loves without strings..[Nick]_

_ah! [me]_

_sorry wasn't trying to scare you_

_it's okay I knew you were there just didn't_

_expect you to wake up so suddenly [me]_

_yea I know I do that to my brothers all the time_

_freaks them out..[Nick]_

_yea well it freaked me out to an almost heart attack_

_sorry but the expression on your face was great! [Nick]_

_wish she would wake up that sudden huh? [Nick]_

_yea how did you..[me]_

I stroked her hair and face suddenly feeling his hand on top of mine

_Cause I love her just as much as you do [Nick]_

My head felt like it was going to explode he grabbed my hand and pulled me up making room between him and miles. It was tight as heck but it felt amazing to have her in my arms again I took in her amazing smell and sighed his soft laughter resonated in my right ear

_I did the same thing to don't feel bad [Nick]_

_I don't just scared..[me]_

His hand slipped over mine as he squeezed it..

_Did you feel her squeeze your hand? [Nick]_

_Yes I need to go find a doc..[me]_

_I already did [Nick]_

_When? [me]_

_Earlier when she did the same thing to me [Nick]_

_he said it's normal she's showing signs that she's waking_

_up but we have to be patient_

_I hate being patient! [me]_

_yea me to..but sometimes the rewards worth the agony [Nick]_

_I just want her to know how loved she is [me]_

_she does but it never hurts to remind her [Nick]_

Before I knew it he started to sing

**Some Hearts**

_I've never been the kind that you'd call lucky  
Always stumbling' around in circles  
But I must have stumbled into something  
Look at me _

_I wake up _

_feeling like my life's worth living_

I started to sing with him

_Can't recall when I last felt that way  
Guess it must be all this love you're giving  
Never knew never knew it could be like this  
But I guess_

Some hearts  
They just get all the right breaks  
Some hearts have the stars on their side  
Some hearts,  
They just have it so easy  
Some hearts just get lucky sometimes  
Some hearts just get lucky, lucky sometimes

Now who'd have thought someone like you could love me  
You're the last thing my heart expected  
Who'd have thought I'd ever find somebody  
Someone who someone who makes me feel like this  
Well I guess

Some hearts  
They just get all the right breaks  
Some hearts have the stars on their side, yes  
Some hearts,  
They just have it so easy  
Some hearts just get lucky sometimes  
Some hearts just get lucky sometimes  
Ohhhhhh

Even hearts like mine  
Get lucky, lucky sometimes

Even hearts like mine  
Ohhhhhhhh

Some hearts,  
They just get all the right breaks  
Some hearts have the stars on their side  
Some hearts,  
They just have it so easy  
Some hearts just get lucky sometimes

Some hearts  
They just get all the right breaks  
Some hearts have the stars on their side, yes  
Some hearts,  
They just have it so easy  
Some hearts just get lucky sometimes  
Some hearts just get lucky sometimes  


Laying there with her in my arms and Nick's hand touching my shoulder as his arm was around hers as well. I felt the hope and I felt very lucky ...closing my eyes I felt my face fall against her check and it the warmth spread through me..her eyelashes felt stiff against my skin , wrapping my arms around her tighter I started to fall asleep as her eyelashes scrapped my check

_ouch..[me]_

_what's wrong? [Nick]_

_her eyelashes hurt me [me]_

_what? [nick laughing]_

_yea it feels like they were fluttering against.._

_oh my …_

I shot up and looked at her as she stared back at me..Nick rose and stared at the two of us..her eyes couldn't move but she was laying there staring at me with those clear perfect crystal eyes...I ran my hand over her face as Nick ran to get a doctor. Sitting up I stroked her face her eyes were full of questions and fears within seconds she started to panic and try to rip out the tubes and wires thrashing around...quickly I held her down and tried to sooth her , the look in her eyes scared me and made me so angry she shouldn't be feeling that way. I never wanted her to hurt or be afraid,

_miles calm down it'll be okay _

_I promise I'll explain everything_

_but please don't freak.._

_baby listen to me please_

I took her hands and held them as I talked to her running my fingers over hers it seemed to work a bit but her breathing was still too fast and she was still panicking..

_Miley Ray calm down this instant! [Tish]_

Within a minute of her waking up her mom was in here grabbing her hands and pushing her down demanding she calm down which surprisingly worked out well.

The doctors came trooping in and the exams started no matter how hard they tried Nick and I wouldn't leave her sides, Tish stood behind me with her arms wrapped around my waist her hand slipping over mine which was holding Miley's left hand. Brandi stood in the doorway holding Noah's hand to give the doctors room.

Once the exams were done the head doctor in charge of her case closed her chart and cleared his throat I could never remember his name but he spoke..

_We have to run some more tests to be absolutely sure_

_but it seems like your daughter will make a full recovery _

_we got the antidotes in her just in time_

_her vitals are looking good heart beat steady_

_her sugars back in the normal range_

_and the septic is under control_

_I am going to run some tests to make sure there was_

_no damage to her organs from the shock_

_but without any complications I expect her_

_out of here in a few days_

_yes! [Nick and I cheered high fiving]_

_thanks Doctor Zander [Tish]_

_not a problem so glad _

_everything worked out for you [Dr]_

_she does however need her rest so I am going to _

_ask for her to have limited visitors_

_at least for the first few days [Dr]_

_understandable I'll make sure she rests trust me [Tish]_

_when can you remove the tube? _

_I want to wait a day or two just to give her more time_

_to get stronger hopefully by tomorrow_

_or the day after..[Dr]_

_okay [Tish]_

She made good on her promise to once the doctor left she asked all of us to say good night to miley , I wanted to argue and demand to be allowed to stay but I wanted miles to be healthy and she needed her rest for that so I kept quite and did as she asked leaning down to kiss her forehead and tell her that I loved her. She ran her fingers over my hand. I knew she was saying I love you to back to me, that thought lifted me a thousand feet, Nick kissed her check she didn't seem to know how to react but she didn't push him away. As we exited I felt him slip his arm through mine strangely. I was calm now and had no problem laying my head on his shoulder,

_hey I know a way to help miley_

_kind of [Nick]_

_what is it? [me]_

_I'll show you..[Nick]_

We walked into the treatment room and he pointed to Ella I knew what he meant so we walked over to her and sat with her seeing her little face light up made me happy cause I knew miles would do this if she could.

**Tish's p o v**

There's really no words that can express the pain and sheer terror of seeing your child hooked to machines and fighting for every breath , it makes you wanna scream in till your completely voiceless , bleed in till your dead anything just so you can escape that gutless feeling of watching your child lay motionless in a bed surrounded by tubes and wires and medicine. Sitting there day after day night into night as you pray for a miracle bargain with god to just please heal your child..only to see no change well quite simply it's hell on earth, every minute that went by I felt a piece of me being chipped away she just laid there so still so helpless and small all I wanted was to hold her curl her up in my arms like when she was small and kiss away the bad and the hurt but I couldn't no matter how much I wanted to.

Billy Ray was wearing out the floor pacing so much,we couldn't talk to each other without fighting he wanted to reach in the bed and shake her awake it killed him to know his baby girl might not wake up..I wouldn't hear of it she was going to make it that I was sure of! 

The moment when she woke up was the best moment in my life along with the birth of my kids , I still can't stop staring into her gorgeous eyes, as I lay by her side holding her not even hiding the tears of happiness that streamed down my face as I kissed her checks. She still couldn't speak with her voice but her eyes kept talking to me asking a hundred questions like when was this tube coming out? How long was she out? Were her kids alright? Were they scared? Were they doing their treatment? When was she going to be released? What had happened? Was she really alright? Was Noah scared? How were her siblings? Was I scared? It was so typical of her always thinking about others before herself, I kissed her forehead so relived that her fever had broken, she had curled as much as she can attached to all the instruments and snuggled by me her tiny face looked up at me for reassurance to calm her fears. I wished with everything in me that I could kiss away her fears and drive away those bad dreams like when she was a kid but I couldn't brushing away her hair from her face I remembered when she was born so tiny and wiggly with just the wisps of curly hair. She had grown and changed so much in the last 16 years but there was no mistaken that beautiful little chubby faced girl in the bed next to me who's head was resting on my shoulder, my hands stroked her arms and provided what little comfort I could give to her. She hated the tube in her throat but I managed to soothe her and rub the spot which was most red by moisten it with a gel she sighed and drifted off to sleep. I kissed her again and again if she could talk I knew she would be whining for me to stop smothering her but this was one time where she had no choice but to take it.

One of the Rn's came in and checked her vitals assuring me she was doing well she encouraged me to go grab coffee or food but there was no way I was leaving her, as she slept I finally let a few tears fall for days I had been dreading thinking about that phone call but now in the quite of the room made it impossible to fight off those memories..

Billy Ray and I had just gotten in from a church service we had felt rejuvenated after a long stressful week, Brasion and Billy were preparing to take in a game that night and I had been making plans to get together with my sister and best friend Edi and her daughter Emily Grace who's Noah's age , we had cleaned up dinner and Bras had run upstairs to get his mitt, when Edi had called we started chatting and lost track of time I almost didn't see Billy come up and kiss me good-bye and tell me he would call me as they ran off to the game , it was so good to hear Edi's voice as we shared stories of what the kids had been up to this summer it had been so long since we had really talked with miles schedule and her being ill and the kids being so busy but we lost no time at all and soon it was late we parted with plans to meet up, quickly I jumped in the shower hearing the phone ring but couldn't answer it.

Edi and Emily arrived 30 minutes later and I was so happy to get out with them it crossed my mind how great it felt to be free of the kids and be able to something I enjoyed , as we were running out the damn phone rung in a rush to get my shoes and lock up I was set to ignore it but Edi got it and the expression on her face told me something was wrong very wrong. Swallowing against the fear I went over as she turned to me her eyes filled with tears..very softly she said the words that will leave my heart in pieces even now..

_Baby I'm sorry _

_It's miles she's sick very sick...._

_Mom..._

Quickly I snapped out of my flashbacks at the sound of her sweet very hoarse voice trying to talk. I shushed her pointing to the tube. Looking at me I could tell she wanted to tell me something leaning into her she whispered very quietly

_mommy hungry.._

Just like that this amazing kid who hours earlier had been in a coma now had her appetite back and was raging. I smiled and promised her we'd get her food as soon as she was allowed promising her anything she wanted.

Two days later with Mandy Brandi and I by her side the tube was pulled and so were almost all the wires expect her monitor for precautions she didn't scream or even shed a tear even though I knew she had to be in a tremendous amount of pain. She kept her breathing under control and remained calm. Holding her little hand running my fingers over hers she relaxed as Mandy sat by her talking to her she shared a laugh with her making her giggle I wasn't sure what was so funny but she seemed to think it was hysterical even more so to leave me in the dark, I took it in stride I had my baby my angel girl back that was all I cared about.

Miss Miley's first requests McDonald and Ella she wanted to know how the little girl was doing.

She amazes me how I was graced with such a sweet perfect child well okay she's not perfect but for a mom every one of our kids are perfect in our eyes.

She started physical therapy that afternoon and because of her job she had no problem getting back into shape. She was so ready to get back to her job as a counselor.. lets just say I was not so ready.. Billy of course was willing to let his daughter do whatever as long as he was the hero. Watching her take her steps as she pushed herself harder even as the therapist told her to hold back well he obviously knew nothing of that little girl he was standing behind cause she never stops when she has her mind set to something forget about it..there's no changing it. I walked closely behind whenever she was rushing too much my voice would call out followed by a moan of ~_mom~_ which I'm sure was accompanied by a eye roll,later confirmed by Miss Manderz.

She wouldn't admit to me but she was more tired then she cared to say after therapy she knew I would say no visitors and she wanted to see the girls and her friends, I didn't want to argue so I just kept a close eye on her, the girls lifted her spirits and she made no bones about it she would be back very soon!

Her wishes came true when her doctor gave her the go ahead two days later I was still not ready even though she seemed to be stronger now then she had been when she left to come here, still I was fussing and checking her out so much she finally screamed and told me to back off before she went insane which only made me hold her and kiss her more in till we were both laughing and crying. It broke the tension though and made me relax. While Mandy helped her pack I went to see Mac.

**Miley's****p o v**

God between mom's fussing and Mandy's nervous I was about ready to lose it I could see she was itching to tell me something, she kept twirling her fingers and the ring I gave her. After my mom left to go rem Mac out who I felt so bad for she had no idea Jo was a freaking physco ! I grabbed Mandy's hands and made her talk she stuttered and looked away making me grab her chin and lift it to my face I checked around and kissed her she sunk into my arms holding me as tears escaped her eyes..

_what is it baby? _

_You can tell me anything you know that_

_what is it you were trying to say before I passed out?[me]_

_Not sure how to say it..[Mandy]_

_just say it part those gorgeous sweet sensual lips and say it_

_damn it..just speak_

_[we giggled and kissed again] _

_I love you and I want you to...[Mandy]_

_hey ladies...[Nick]_

_Nick hey...[me]_

_sorry to interrupt but Mandy Katie needs help_

_she asked me to come get you.._

_damn...[Mandy]_

_it's okay babe go I'll be over soon _

_Nick can help me since he's here.._

_kay don't take too long [Mandy]_

_won't.._

Her lips brushed my check as she went out he grinned , I wasn't sure what to say being sick had mellowed me but I hadn't forgotten what he did to me. Tossing my bags at him he let out a soft doff as it hit him in the stomach. As we walked outside I took in the fresh air and found it heavenly he watched me as I span and giggled so glad to be out once again. We walked in silence for awhile before he took my hand

_Could I take you for a boat ride?_

_I need to say a few things and_

_I know you missed being out doors_

_okay sure but we can't be long.._

_no problem.._

_I'm glad you got better so fast miles.._

_I mean it..[Nick]_

_thanks I'm glad I did to..[Me]_


	26. Chapter 26 Raven

**Raven**

**Miley's p o v**

_The water's so perfect so clear_

_So amazing..[me]_

_like your eyes..I always loved your eyes..[Nick]_

_aw thanks[me]_

I couldn't help it his answer was sweet and his dimples looked so cute as he smiled at me I wanted to be mad at him but I couldn't , all I could do was take a glance at all that was around me the birds that sat on branches chirping away , the lush green tress.. the perfect cool water which rippled with soft waves as the ores sliced through them..the tiny animals scurrying away on land. Kids played in a far of distance. He finally settled out in a safe distance from shore it was bright and clear the daytime sun shone magnificently in the center of the sky it's bright rays nestled across the hills and tresses.

_So what did you want to talk about? [me]_

_the letter..[Nick]_

_what letter_?_ Oh yea u mean the one where_

_you begged me to come back_

_and then stood me up? [me]_

_That letter! [Me]_

_What are you talking about? [Nick]_

_I'm talking about the letter you sent me_

_telling me I was scum of the earth! [Nick]_

_What letter? I never sent you a letter! [me]_

_Liar I read it! It was in your writing![nick]_

_I'm not lying![Me]_

_Bullshit you always say your sorry_

_and you always promise that you're going to _

_change and you never fulfill it's just more empty_

_promises just lies_

_I waited for hours for you to come and you stood me up![me]_

_Now your making up shit to make me look like_

_the bad guy!_

_Miley I swear I..[Nick]_

I pushed him away trying to move to grab the ore when I felt myself slip and his hands grabbed me grabbing his shoulders to steady myself I was still fuming as his eyes looked past me..I went to shove him off me and he pulled me close his hands on my butt as he suddenly kissed me hard and deep..his grip was so tight it caught me off guard and I couldn't fight. I was suddenly exhausted as I tried to fight my body seemed to surrender to his touch..closing my eyes I let myself kiss him back..strangely I felt nothing ..all I thought about was Mandy..pushing myself away I stood up to see him grinning

_What the heck was that about!_

_You freaking pig! Don't you ever..._

His expression was smug I whipped around to see why he was grinning like the damn cat that swallowed the Carney..just in time to see Mandy's back running up the hill..her long raven hair flying in the breeze..a million thoughts raced through my head "What had she seen? Did she understand? How could she? I didn't understand! Tears sprang to my eyes damn him why did he have to ruin everything?

Chocking feeling like I was going to vomit I tried to call to her but I felt dizzy and couldn't speak..gasping I tried to run..his hands grabbed me I spun around and found my voice screaming..

_Get off of me you stupid cheating lying .._

_Get off of me!_

_Mandy!_

She was long gone the dizziness came back thundering against my head like hammers on a nail the nausea rose as I jumped into the cool river which crashed on top of me like ocean waves , I had to get to her but she ran so fast my arms felt weak..I tried to pump but the water washed over me and I saw a million and one flashes as the lights faded and blackness engulfed me as I heard my mom's voice filled with fear and panic screaming my name.

The sensation of falling hit me like a lighting bolt as I struggled to open my eyes but forces tried to shut them again. Mom's voice called to me begging me to wake up I was hot and I was cold voices drifted in and out..hands lifted me ..light filled my eyes bright obnoxious light..I saw faces mom and dad worried holding each other's hands. Nick's his eyes had that look in them..Mandy's face was the one that burned in my mind her beautiful green eyes filled with streaming tears as her body shock. I tried to reach for her hand but as I made contact with her skin she pulled away and stepped back as if I had shocked her..

Then she took off running her hair smacked me in the face as she hightailed it away..

I tried to call to her but the little strength I had vanished as the lights went out again.

Beeping that's the first sound I heard when I woke up this time only a dim light flowed as my lids opened. Mom's soft voice filled my ears ..

_Baby your awake thank god_

_I was so afraid [mom]_

_What happened? [me]_

_shh I'll explain later _

_Get some rest for now_

Her lips grazed my forehead as sleep over came me once more. Why was I always falling asleep?

_Tell me what happened? [Selena]_

_huh? [me]_

I was groggy so very sleepy as her question hit me like a semi truck as I opened my eyes seeing her face she was angry so angry her fists clenched as she shock in front of me,

_you tripped and fell into his lips?_

_Is that what happened?_

_Selena..[me]_

_Don't Selena me you lying bitch_

_We were friends I trusted you!_

_You said I was ...important to you_

_Miley you promised me that you were okay_

_with us you said you didn't love him!_

_Why why would you say that and then kiss him!_

_In public! You know how I feel about him!_

_Selena I'm so sorry I...[me]_

_Save it I don't believe you.._

_Were over miley any type of friendship that we had_

_it's gone..I hate you and I hope Nick breaks you_

_just like he broke you before but worse.._

_Selena[ Demi]_

_No don't defend her Demi you can't defend her and comfort me_

_What are you saying? [Demi]_

_choose Dems me or this slut..[Selena]_

_Selena you can't be serious [Demi]_

_I am serious Demi choose!_

Demi looked at me her eyes were sad and torn she kept looking at the two of us her mind must have been going like a ferris wheel. I hated knowing I had a huge part in their pain..

_It's okay I don't expect you to..[me to Demi]_

_Shut up you stupid whore just shut the freak up..[Selena]_

_Enough girls miley needs her rest Selena you have to go now!_

_Don't make me call security get out right now [Brandi]_

_Let's go Sel..[Demi]_

So she made her choice I didn't expect anything different they had been best friends since they were we had gotten so close during the year that it hurt to see her take Selena's hand and walk out the door. Brandi sat by me our eyes locked and fresh tears pooled my eyes..her hand grazed against mine her fingers curled around mine relief flooded through me as she watched over me..her mouth twisted into a strange position I knew she wanted to say things to me she just didn't know how ..squeezing her hand I let her know it was okay to ask..

_Why miles? Why would you do it? [Brandi]_

_How could you do it to Mandy after everything she has done_

_for you? The women loves you for god sakes!_

_And of all people miles Nick! He broke your heart and _

_almost killed your self confidence if it wasn't for her_

_Just tell me why? I'm so confused_

_how could you hurt her? [Brandi]_

_I didn't mean to I just didn't.._

_I mean god I didn't want to he grabbed me and_

_he kissed me..he forced me to_

_I hate him! I never wanted anyone to get hurt_

_How is she? [me]_

Brandi twisted the blanket in her fingers staring away from me using my elbows I pushed myself up the effort exhausted me.

_Please tell me..I love her Brandi where is she? [me]_

_She asked me not to tell you I'm sorry [Brandi]_

_Brandi your my sister! Please tell me is she here still? [me]_

_She didn't leave camp if that's what you mean [Brandi]_

_So she's here how is she ? will she talk to me? [me]_

_she's here yes she doesn't want anything to do with you_

_Miles she's wrecked over what you did _

_I don't even know if you realize how much you devastated her _

_Miles I've never seen her so distraught [Brandi]_

_Where is she? [me]_

_I prom...[Brandi]_

_Tell me damn it I need to see her! [me]_

_I'll take you to her but I warned you..[Brandi]_

_I can go myself..[me]_

_Mom will kill me your too weak [Brandi]_

_Brandi.._

_Don't fight me you want to see her?[Brandi]_

_Yes..[me]_

_Then grab my arm..[Brandi]_

We walked slowly down the hall and went up to the floor my head was resting against her shoulder as I tried not to cry, This couldn't be happening ..lost in my own thoughts I didn't notice we had arrived at Chelsea's room Brandi knocked..I heard Chelsea's voice call out but the words were mumbled she came over in a rush and a gust of wind blew open the door she stared at us shocked..

_Uh Mandy's pretty pissed why don't _

_you come back miles in a day..[Chelsea]_

_NO I need to see her! [me]_

_Chels let her she's the only _

_one who can help right now [Brandi]_

I pushed her out of the way charging in Mandy was laying on a bed her back facing me..Laura was holding her..she got up when I came in

_Miles she doesn't want to see you [Laura]_

_I don't care I need to talk to her_

_she has to listen to me! [me]_

_no I don't miley my days of having to do what you say_

_are long over.. [Mandy]_

_please Mandy don't make me beg_

_for what I need_

_I just need to talk to you_

_I have to explain.._

_explain what miley? _

_How you lied to me?_

_How you made a gazillion promises and broke every _

_damn one! _

_I trusted you miley I love you_

_I gave you everything I could ever give_

_I stood by you when everyone was dumping on you_

_I was your rock I took all the nasty rumors and lies_

_I took the bullshit from the media the fans I stood by you_

_not that bastard and you swore to me you would never _

_do to me what he did to you_

_I never trusted anyone and you made me open_

_my heart and you promised me it would be safe_

Tears were streaming down her face as her body shock she was clutching a pillow which was being so squeezed that it was about to blow.

_And I meant it..I want to keep it safe [me]_

_SAFE! Miley you broke it shattered it!_

_You can't expect me to see you kissing **Nick **of all people_

_and just be okay with it [Mandy]_

_it was a mistake I didn't mean..[me]_

_To get caught of course not that would mean [Mandy]_

_you would have to own up to it and explain what you_

_did and you knew miles_

_you flipping KNEW I would never_

_understand this kind of betrayal_

_I loved you miley and you threw it away like_

_my heart was a piece of garbage that can be recycled _

_well it's not miles and you've broken it for the last time! [Mandy]_

_what are you saying? [me]_

_I'm saying that I can't do this anymore _

_your free go be with Nick_

_it's who you want that much is plain to see_

_I don't .. Mandy I love you not him!_

_Then why were you kissing him!_

Laura was watching this with Brooke both shaking their heads as we fought I was shaking so bad I had to hold onto Brandi so my legs wouldn't give out. Mandy was beat red hot tears streaming down her face. Her hands clutching whatever they could find as she stood face to face with me dang she got taller the madder she was. Her right fist was still holding that pillow by her left her jean shorts which she looked amazing in, her face was pale and streaked with makeup. I knew she must have been crying all night, she was shaking as bad as I was but she was held up by her anger she looked like she hadn't slept in weeks and I wished that I could reach over and hug her make her feel how sorry I really truly am. Laura's eyes looked mad as she shot daggers at me and poor Brooke looked like she had no idea who's side to take but she inched towards Mandy's.

_I wasn't kissing him [me]_

_Don't lie I **saw** you !_

_With my eyes not some hearsay shit_

_I was there I saw you wrap your arms around him_

_and kiss him I saw that damn smirk he gave me_

_he played you miles and u fell for it hook line and sinker_

_I warned you over and over and you never cared enough_

_to hear me..you kept giving him the benefit of doubt_

_you could never make up your mind one minute you hated him_

_the next you loved him _

_you can't keep this game up _

_I told you someone was going to get burned_

_and I was right but it wasn't you it was me_

_and u burned me the difference between me and other_

_burn victims their scars may heal mine won't_

_you played with fire and my heart got scorched _

_thanks miles so much for showing me that love is pointless_

_and always leaves you bleeding_

_I hope that this little experiment was worth it_

_cause it just cost u the best damn thing that you ever had [Mandy]_

_Mandy please..[me]_

I was in full blown hysteria now the tears were coming so fast and so hard my eye sockets burned my chest was on fire. Brandi was shaking me telling me to calm down as I coughed and gasped trying to grab Mandy who kept shoving my hands away from her.

_Miley stop let it go _

_let it rest were over and buried you _

_built the casket_

_I'm closing the grave [Mandy]_

_Mandy! [me]_

I grabbed her hand pulling on her as I screamed and shock her blinded by tears she tried to push me away but I held onto her shirt which pulled and started to rip..

_Get off of me miley grow up!_

She shoved me hard and I fell limp against the cold had tiles shaking and crying .Brandi yelled my name and was by my side instantly. I heard Mandy whirl around and leave Laura called after her and took off. Their voices echoed as I lay in my sisters arms while she rocked me and I felt what it meant to have your first real heart break..expect no one can ever prepare you for just how soul crushing it really is.

I don't remember it but Brandi picked me up and carried me to my room, she tucked me into bed where mom was waiting for me the feel of her arms slipping over me brought me a little comfort but a little was better then none, she stroked my hair and kissed my face rocked me talked to me but her words were a mess of vocals in my over acting mind they held no sounds no phrase's no sense. All I knew was that the one person who would never hurt me was holding me because I had just broken the one person who had depended on me to never hurt her.

In all my uncertainty I have no idea how long I lay there crying I know at some point I heard Mandy's voice telling mom she was getting her stuff and moving in to help Chelsea since she had 3 of Brandi's girls cause Lace was still not fully recovered. I didn't move her voice caused me to stiffen.

The next morning I was awoken by Ella's sweet voice when I opened my eyes she was on my bed giggling ..

_Hey Miley I have a joke for you_

_wanna hear it? [Ella]_

_sure baby [me]_

_sweet.._

She grinned and scurried by me I wrapped my blanket around her and pulled her close as she told her joke..

_you wanna_ _know what boys take after? [Ella]_

_sure what?[ me]_

_a pack of cards wanna know why? [Ella]_

_cuz you need a heart to love them, _

_a diamond to marry them, _

_a club to batter them, and a spade to bury them. _

_Oh my god that's sick! But I love it! [me]_

I started to laugh and she grinned hugging me

_That's what I wanted to see! [Ella]_

_What's that? [me]_

_you laughing! [Ella]_

_Yay me! I got miles to laugh! [Ella]_

_Feels good to it's been so dang crazy_

_since yesterday I just wonder why he did it?_

_Sent me the dang letter left me in the cold and _

_then acted like it was my fault [me]_

_I hate Nick for making you hurt like this [Ella]_

She seemed so angry her face scrunched up slightly red fists clenched , it warmed me to know she cared so much for me but once again guilt pangs ripped through me she was so sweet and genuine so young and I didn't want her to ever feel the pain of a broken heart and loving me was the only thing it would lead to I was poison to my friends just ask Mandy ...

_Aw sweetie don't hate it's not cool_

_but thanks for being so sweet..[me]_

_now come here so we can cuddle [me]_

_awesome! It's cold in here..[Ella]_

**Ella's p o v**

Okay so I felt like crap for basically lying to my idol but there was no way I could tell her we were the reason behind the letter that started this whole damn drama, she would be so angry and feel so betrayed and maybe violated, there was no way I would lose her feeling her snuggling me against her chest and arms made me feel safe and secured. Closing my eyes I nestled back taking in her sweet scent of vanilla , cinnamon and sweat , when I knew she was asleep I brushed away traces of tears and said a soft prayer one I've been saying ever since I was a little kid

_Be near me, Lord Jesus!  
I ask Thee to stay  
Close by me forever  
And love me, I pray.  
Bless all the dear children  
In Thy tender care  
And take us to heaven  
To live with Thee there. _

_Lord Jesus keep my miley safe_

_in body and in heart_

_and let her fear not of the sake_

_of love_

_let her know the glory of _

_your awesome ways _

_and shower her in fields_

_of never ending glory_

_in thy name Dear sweet Savior_

_I pray to thee and say Amen._

I made the cross and laid down..sleep came easy..

I made it early to class to see Danny before everyone else got there he was practicing trying to get his right leg into a perfect attitude which was crucial to a part of our adagio in one of our main routines. He

was beat red and sweating and still couldn't hold his leg up. I wavered as to rather help him or keep quite it was a touchy subject for him he hated being seen as a weaker dancer then the other boys , his arms were held above his head in perfect formation eyes straight ahead at his focus spot. I saw it was a blow up picture from the best of both world tour where Nick was air born legs wide as he held his guitar out. He was Danny's idol and he wanted to be just like him, Nick is an amazing dancer to and helps Danny a lot but he wants to do it on his own and prove that dispute his disability he can do whatever job he is asked to the reality however is that he has **Duchenne** M**uscular Dystrophy** it's an illness that mainly affects boys and it happens when the protein called Dystrophy that help muscles keep their shape and strength break down the body becomes weaker and weaker kids with this disease have weaken in their arms and legs it starts when they are young and keeps getting weaker as they grow most kids end up using braces by the time they are 8 or 9 and by the time they get to their late childhood they need crutches and by their teens wheelchairs a lot of kids develop spine issues , Danny has been lucky in that regard .DMD also affects the heart and lungs most end up on vents because their muscles that control their breathing fail, kids usually don't survive beyond late teens to early adult hood. Danny has been determined to beat this though he's been dancing since he was a baby his mom owns a dance studio and had him in dance shoes at 18 months he's never stopped the boy is amazing he won one competition after another , he took acting lessons and vocal ever since he was 3 or 4, when he was 5 he began to fall down and complain of leg and arm pains his calf muscles became enlarged his mom thought it was just dance related and didn't take him to the doctors in till he started falling down and stumbling, getting dizzy , his dad brought him to a specialists convinced there was more then just dancer pains. Sadly he was right Danny was diagnosed shortly after his 6th b-day and had to spend months in the hospital getting his meds right and being evaluated. What has helped him stay as strong as he has is Dance it keeps his muscles from getting weak from non-use he also runs every day at least 4 miles and works out but over the last 3 years he's gotten weaker his arms can longer stay above his head for more then a few seconds his legs have gotten to the point where he needs a wheel chair by all means he shouldn't be able to dance his lungs have gotten weak he has problems breathing and often sleeps with a oxygen mask on, but he refuses to let his illness take away his one true love Dance.

I watched him as he spun and leaped arms extended as he whipped his right leg around his back ..he had struggled but once again he mastered it..as he was coming down I came up the sweat was pouring down his back but he poured some water over himself and sat against the wall drying himself with a towel as he leaned back closing his eyes. I could see how hard he was breathing so I went and grabbed a portable oxygen tank wordlessly he smiled and placed it on I adjusted the numbers till he was breathing easier. The music ended and we sat not saying anything..when he spoke I heard how raspy his voice sounded

_Is she as pissed as Nick? [Danny]_

_uh yea more so since she was the one_

_who got played_

_yea well he's not so happy either he was with _

_his parents all night_

_man are they ever pissed his dad was shouting about Nick_

_being a disgrace forcing himself on a girl_

_his mom was crying..._

_Kevin kept trying to distract us but we heard it [Danny]_

_what happened over with y'all?_

_Miles was passed out most of the night_

_her mom stayed with us talking to her praying_

_she was pretty sick running a fever and they were worried_

_about hypothermia but she's okay now_

_the strange part was Mandy grabbed her stuff and_

_went to stay with Chelsea she was all crying_

_and upset I heard her and Brandi arguing_

_it was very heated Brandi kept begging her _

_to forgive someone_

_and to stay but she was so mad she didn't even look _

_at miles.[me]_

_that's odd they are so close but girls can be strange [Danny]_

_hey! [me]_

_what it's true [Danny]_

_and boys are gross [me]_

As on cue he let out a huge burp and laughed I shoved him just as class started to fill up

_we messed up with that letter huh? [me]_

_yea 'fraid so but we can't say anything now_

_they arrested Jo man they ain't playing [Danny]_

_what we did wasn't criminal though _

_was it? [me]_

_apparently girls are dense to_

_it's called fraud and impersonation_

_we pretended to be Nick and wrote _

_to her and she waited out in the cold_

_it's in writing man were toast if they find out _

_it was us.[Danny]_

_Mac's still pissed she called all the counselors in a meeting yesterday_

_Eric was so mad_

_he had a hot date and had to cancel _

_I didn't get all what he said but_

_she was talking about disciplining anyone_

_caught breaking the rules by kicking them out_

_and arresting anyone who violated another's privacy[ Danny]_

_yea that would count I would think..[me]_

_ya think? [Danny]_

_Mandy's coming we better get in position help me up women [Danny]_

_I thought we were dense? [me]_

_And cute..[Danny]_

He flashed that million dollar smile which made me roll my eyes but I helped him. I caught a glance at Mandy as she entered she looked tired and worn out her face was pale and you could see how much makeup she was using to cover it up she had dark circles under her eyes which were red rimmed she almost looked high, but I knew she wasn't into that stuff. I wanted to ask her but she was more closed off then miles she didn't talk easily..besides I didn't know her as well..she was older to more like a grownup where miles I felt like she was closer to my range.

_Attention class positions at the barre_

_begin with demi plie _

She worked us harder then ever just from the exercises which was fine by me I loved the feeling of my muscles being stretched to their limits and beyond it meant they were getting stronger but I worried about Danny and Nazi, a quick glance told me they were doing okay so I lost myself in the music before I knew it we were pairing up . I saw Sunny look at me longingly as I grabbed Danny's hands he was already red faced and struggling to breathe

_arms high, heads held high_

_backs arched eyes focused _

_make the steps quick and graceful_

_not choppy_

_one n two n three n four_

_group one group two _

_lets go do not stay put wait for your cue_

_and move smooth and together_

_one group messes up the whole_

_routine crumbles_

Danny and I waited in till Vanessa and Sammy went then as they were halfway we slide across as we did I let the chorus of the song wash over me and I felt empowered all over..

_And they say the road to heaven might lead us back through hell.  
Maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow,  
we will win this fight and bury this sorrow.  
We're so alive, still holding on, not ready to die,  
so we LIVESTRONG.  
_

I felt better after class as I headed back and got ready for my treatment again miles met me at he clinic she was just getting done with a checkup, as we waited for me to be hooked up we worked on learning some music theory she's a great teacher

_Intervals can be described as Major (M), Minor (m), Perfect (P)_

_, Augmented (A), and Diminished (d)._

_Intervals come in various sizes: Unisons, Seconds, _

_Thirds, Fourths, Fifths, Sixths, and Sevenths._

_Think of them as a wall of bricks each have their own layers_

_but they each hold up the same structurer [Miles]_

_Like an army? Each solider have a job to do_

_no matter what the rank they all hold the same_

_responsibility to keep the unit strong..[me] _

_yes exactly [miles]_

_never thought of it that way_

_that's how I imagine the chemo_

_like a army in battle strong and fearless_

_against a confused enemy Cancer_

_how come a army? Don't' like the Navy?_

_Ha ha no my dad's in the army he's in Afghanistan[me]_

_oh wow sorry I didn't know [miles]_

_so kay how were u suppose to? _

_I don't talk about it much_

_u must miss him a lot I know I miss my dad_

_when he's touring or when he's home and I'm touring [miles]_

_yea I do but he's serving our amazing country_

_and fighting for our freedom_

_he'll be home at the end of this year_

_I can't wait!_

_Awesome I bet you are going to have the neatest surprise [miles]_

_I wish I want to do something but I don't know what [me]_

_what does he like? [miles]_

_music [me]_

_what about writing a song? [miles]_

_I wouldn't know how [me]_

_sure you do use whatever you feel in your heart_

_and just put it into words I'll help you if you want_

_you would? [me]_

_yes..[miles]_

_omg thank you!_

I threw my arms around her neck she laughed and hugged me as my port was hooked up to the iv .I laid back miles turned up the radio and we rocked out to Lisa Maire..

_And as the raven flies she feels unwelcome  
She's fallen out of her tree and caught on a limb of silver lining  
Her wings uncertain oh but she's still flying  
Yeah little Raven I see you there_

Hold your head up now  
I won't try and pull your feathers out I promise  
Go on dry your eyes  
You know that I've forgiven you and I'm sorry  
And everything till now  
It wasn't that bad really  
Beautiful lady 

A few tears slide down my checks she laughed and wiped them away

_it's so cute how she has her little girl voice in_

_the intro and the lyrics are so beautiful [me]_

_I know I'm silly .._

_no it's sweet that you get so into the music_

_only true artists feel that way [miles]_

_I think of Mandy her hair is like a ravens [miles]_

_did you two have a fight? [me]_

I was nervous asking it wasn't my place really she was my counselor but she nodded

_I made a huge mistake and broke her_

_trust now she feels like she can't count on me_

_whatever you do don't break someone's trust_

_cause you can't get it back.._

_did you say you were sorry it can't be that bad [me]_

_she loves you.._

_sometimes love isn't enough no_

_matter how much you want it to be..[miles]_

I swallowed why did I have a horrible feeling this had to do with the letter? She placed her head back and we started on the music lesson again.


	27. Chapter 27 Please Don't Leave Me

**PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME**

**Miley's p o v**

Ella was sound asleep as the treatments wrapped up and I didn't want to wake her up so once she was done I scooped her up and carried her to our room, the girls were settling in as we came up so I tucked her in and went to shower as I was washing up all my thoughts that had been blocked with the days activates came flooding back in a rush , chocking me as the reality hit me full force the one person who I treasured loved and depended on the one who's always been here for me whenever and every time .I needed her hated me with such a deep anger that it shock me to the core. Grabbing the walls as my legs shock and collapsed all the memories came back how we met the first time..I was 13 she was 18 she had auditioned to be my backup dancer she was nervous as hell it was her first big audition and she had been running late so typical of Mandy she tripped over the amp and knocked out the entire speaker system ..she spilled ketchup on her shirt and crashed into another dancer who was pissed, then she fell off the stage..she was sweaty and out of breath when I came up to her and she spilled her water all over me..I fell for her so hard the first thing I said was " _your a mess " I hope u dance better then u walk_" she had blushed so deep and stuttered which I in turn intimated her causing her to blush more...I remember thinking how gorgeous she looked even embarrassed as heck. I was impressed she took it all in stride as well and even laughed. I still remember the way she flipped her back and patted my head the way she smelled and smiled. I remembered the time I really felt connected to her shortly after Nick and I broke up and I was devastated she held me as I punched her and cried and screamed letting me get out all the emotions I couldn't share with anyone else. The tears didn't let up for a long time when it finally did and I could stand without shaking I washed up and got put looking in the mirror wow I looked awful..

As soon as I came out the girls stopped giggling and whispering and came over Ella climbed on my bed which seemed so empty without Mandy in it. She wrapped her arms around me and settled by me Nazi was on the edge of my bed with Payton , while Alicia and Becky were on Katie's bed , Katie was reading as Brandi and her girls came over

_Miley can we ask you something? [Nazi]_

_yes..[_I was nervous_]_

_girls?[Katie]_

_remember what I was saying _

_we will we just want to ask_

_what is it?[me]_

_we don't want to be rude or intrude but _

_is Mandy mad at us? [Nazi]_

_what why would you say that? [me]_

_cause she went away so suddenly and she_

_won't come here to visit she looks so sad in class [Nazi]_

_Mandy could never be mad at you girls she loves you[me]_

_she just has a lot she's dealing with right now [me]_

_could you ask her to visit we miss her! [Nazi]_

_uh I ..[me]_

_please! Please! [all]_

_Miles she'll listen to u no matter what she loves you [Ella]_

_uh..okay sure but I can't promise anything.._

_now? [Ella]_

_girls stop! [Katie]_

_Sorry were just asking [Ella]_

I held her till she fell asleep and then went to keep my promise ..praying for some divine intervention.

Which of course with my luck there was no such intervention my breaths were coming in quick nervous rasps as I knocked imagining all these horrid thoughts of who would answer the door a rapid dog or a fire breathing dragon, but I was lucky it was only Brooke who looked at me with sadness in her eyes as she blocked the entrance looking up at her. I searched for some kind of sign of hope forgiveness understanding but there was none she just looked at me sadly and shock her head,

_She still wants nothing to do with you [Brooke]_

_I know I'm not here for me _

_then why are you?_

_No offense we weren't close before this_

_I want nothing to do with us now [Brooke]_

_Well that's a little harsh [me]_

_Yea and so was what you did to Mandy _

_Are you going to speak or stand there like_

_a idiot? [Dominique]_

_I think she wants us to forgive her_

_why? _

_Yea she lied why should we..[Laura]_

Suddenly I was angry why was I always the bad guy in this? Who's fault was it that I was alone with nick not mine she left me to go teach class , he kissed me not the other way and besides who were they to judge me? No one they didn't know me..they just kept insulting me and I was getting angry .I hated being labeled and judged and whispered about,

_You know what is she here or not?_

_Cause I'm sick of this_

_it's none of your damn business what ever happened_

_between Mandy and I is between us not you_

_so stop your damn judgments and keep your damn_

_comments to yourself and just tell me is she here_

_or not! [me]_

They stood arms crossed and glared at me Brooke popping her damn gum which was really starting to annoy me and Doma as she stared daggers through me,

_Enough girls let her in _

_she won't quit_

_not unless she wants to that is [Mandy]_

_fine but were just going to be right down the hall_

_if u need removal just hollar kay babe? [Laura]_

_yea no prob thanks ladies [Mandy]_

They went out shoving me a little as they past I sighed as I took it and felt their hatred burn right through me, Mandy was at the piano as I walked inside. I didn't know the tune she was playing but it was sad and haunting...she didn't even look up as I entered so I stood back and watched she was lost in the music and didn't make any acknowledgement that she knew or cared I was there. I Felt strange there was a time not long ago I would have been right besides her playing with her she had taught me to play. We would sit for hours and fool around and make up songs and laugh..it brought back a smile to my face as I thought about it. How fast time slips by and changes even the simplest things in life..I guess it's true you don't know what you got till it's gone...clearing my throat...I tried to get her attention she kept ignoring me …

**Mandy's p o v**

Of course I knew she was there I was the one that yelled for her to come in wasn't I? Of course I cared I cared more then I could ever show..or was more then I would ever want to show? She had hurt me deeply and it wasn't just the kiss..I mean I could accept and even forgive that but it was the rest the lying the cheating the denial that was what got to me..I let her stand there let her watch me and let her think about what she was giving up..losing..let her hurt the way I had when I walked up worried about her and saw her perfectly safe in _**his**_ arms _**kissing him **_the way my heart had stopped and felt like it was breaking..to see the one and only person who I truly loved and trusted making out with her ex someone who had used her for fame and money who had burned her so bad. I was the one who had picked her up held her when she cried, I was the one who received the punches..the bruises meant for him ..I was the one who told her she was too good for him who held her night after stinking night..who gave her back her confidence ..and for what so she could crawl back to him...and burn me..just like every other goddamn guy had..the anger built it's way up I tried to work it out as my fingers flew over the keys .I was in a trance not even knowing what I was playing just playing so I could get it out and it wouldn't explode. I didn't want to hurt her as bad as she had me I didn't want to see her in pain..after all could I really blame her? I was the one who had fallen so damn hard and she was only 16 .I was the fool who thought she could commit …

_Mandy please look at me_

_please I just want to talk [Miles]_

_why won't you even give me the decently_

_to look at me don't be so rude_

_I know what you think you saw hurt you_

That did it I stood up and slammed my fist down on the keys which made a shattering pierce she winced , I spun away from her and felt my throat burn .I had this craving pulling at me and it was getting stronger I hadn't had it in years since before I moved to La and I hated it but it was growing like a cancer and I couldn't stop it and I felt my insides changing the old me was coming back..I swallowed back against the force..taking deep breaths and spun to face her my hair whipped around and would of killed anyone standing behind me..

_what I think I saw? Are you kidding me with this shit?_

_I know I saw what I saw! You in his arms_

_kissing him and not fighting it_

_don't tell me it was a accident or that you slipped_

She tried to speak up to defend herself no doubt I saw the tears in her eyes and it made me angrier and a bit satisfied suddenly I wanted her to hurt the same way I did and I couldn't stop the words..

_Just shut the hell up_

_I heard enough of your damn lies_

_and I'm sick of this shit miles_

_get out of here_

_grow up and get your act together_

_I was stupid to think that you would ever be _

_mature enough to be in a relationship your a kid_

_and it would never work _

_you can't even decide what clothes to wear without _

_your damn momma you change your mind at the blink_

_of an eye you got a brand new car last year and _

_already you want a new one nothing is ever got enough_

_for you you can't be satisfied with what you got_

_you always have to have the bigger the best _

My breathing was becoming hard and I could barely stop my heart from beating out of my chest..my face felt like a fire pit..my eyes were so dry they felt like saw dust..but the expression on her face was what almost killed me her face was crumbling and her lower lip trembling her eyes full of unshed tears..she was pale and shaky ..to keep from crying she was biting her lower lip and starting to bleed..I should of stopped but I didn't..it pushed me on..I didn't want it to become physical so I pushed her out of my way but she grabbed me and out of reflect. I punched her right in her stomach she made a moan and fell back..it egged me on

_you are such a hypocrite _

_you swear up and down that you hate _

_lairs and cheaters you swore_

_you would never be someone who would_

_betray and steal _

_you cussed Nick out left and right_

_for lying and sneaking around_

_you called him every damn name there was_

_and you know what your no damn..no your worse cause at _

_least they don't know what their doing_

_you did you knew how hard it was for me _

_to trust to open myself up_

_and you did it you got me to crack and you used me_

_I never I didn't..[miles]_

She was starting to let the tears slide as she clenched her white fists shaking trying to control the tears..

_Shut the hell up your a lying bitch_

_Get out of here_

She looked like I had physically slapped her she stumbled back ..but then she got mad and hit me hard I grabbed her hands I was sick of being her punching bag..so I hit her back

_you became everything you always hated_

_I hope your happy_

_Just answer me [me]_

_What? [miley]_

Her voice shock she was clogged with tears..but she stood her ground

_Why? [me]_

My voice became lower as I stood and stared searching her for some explanation as to why she did what she did..she had none to give our eyes locked. I knew she wanted to find one I saw her eyes searching pleading with herself just give one decent answer...I half prayed myself I wanted one anything just for it all to make sense so I could forgive her and hold her again like I use to..but she said nothing she just looked down..

_Why me? Why did you use me [me]_

_I don'..I ..god ..I'm sorry..[miles]_

Suddenly I was defeated and my voice dropped it was over and I had to accept that.. I swallowed the urge to vomit the panic was gone now the rage it was deflated and I felt empty I saw her for the first time in awhile as she really was..a 16 year old kid struggling to find her way into this world a scared trembling lost lonely horny confused sheltered kid who had been forced to grow up too fast too soon who hadn't really had to deal with how harsh life could be ..she was too young to be in love and know how to handle it..she was too young to make a commitment this big..and I was selfish to ask her to..no matter how much I loved her. I could never have her..not now anyway...and I did love dissipate this.. taking a deep breath. I saw she wasn't going to be the one to leave no matter how many times I yelled it..I also saw how I had sacred her and I hated myself she was so young so gorgeous inside as well as out, so I had to be the one to walk away..she was still looking at me eyes asking for forgiveness but I wasn't ready for that..instead I walked over I saw her head pick up the corners of her mouth twitch into a little smile thinking she had gotten it..I took her chin into my hands lifting her up smelling how sweet she smelled remembering how good she felt in my arms...then I leaned in and kissed her with such passion and force my lips felt like they would suck her in..her legs gave out as my arms caught her..she melted into me..sighing she didn't fight me only kissed me back harder..gasping for air I came up looked at her and shoved her away..walking out..

_Good-bye miles.._

_I love you.._

**Miles p o v**

The feel of her lips on mine felt so wonderful so right I couldn't believe it she had forgiven me , I wrapped my arms around her falling into them..I was sorry for every little thing I had ever done to her..

I was going to change I was so glad to have her back..even after all the nasty things she had said..

_Good-bye miles.._

The words rung out in my ears as she shoved me it wasn't hard but it caught me off guard and my weak legs lost their footing and I crumbled to the floor as I saw her go wanting to call out but the rage was gone and at the end all I had was more tears as I collapsed hugging the hard wood floor.

**Mandy's p o v**

The music got me lost I was in the studio dancing it always gave me spark and light it lifted me up and gave me purpose even when life seemed to have none...I was there for hours just dancing not thinking just letting the music be my guide..by the time I was done I was exhausted and sweating and hot and empty ..after the girls were down for the night I took a shower and laid on my bed with my keyboard and headphones and restarted the song I had been working on earlier...

_I don't know if I can yell any louder  
How many time I've kicked you outta here?  
Or said something insulting?  
Da da da, da da_

I can be so mean when I wanna be  
I am capable of really anything  
I can cut you into pieces  
But my heart is broken  
Da da da, da da

Please don't leave me  
Please don't leave me  
I always say how I don't need you  
But it's always gonna come right back to this  
Please, don't leave me  


_How did I become so obnoxious?  
What is it with you that makes me act like this?  
I've never been this nasty  
Da da da, da da_

The tears threatened but I refused to allow them as I sat on my bed and stared out into the night time sky a tiny star seemed to glow brighter then the rest I swear it was winking at me as if to say don't hold onto this let it go...but I couldn't..

**Dawn's p o v**

_Tell me what to do Sandy?_

_You were always the problem solver_

_Remember mike and his embarrassment over his leg?_

_You handled it like a pro at only 13_

_you would know how to handle all this drama _

_you would be laughing so hard right now_

_we both would_

_but it's not funny Sandy it's not_

_I caused all this by thinking_

_I could handle it but I can't_

_I didn't watch Jo and she wrecked so many lives_

_Mac is so sick and it's my fault to_

_I knew she was pushing herself too hard_

_ever since her mom's death all she has done_

_is work work work_

_and I let her I'm her doctor I should of stopped her_

_now..she's so ill..._

The night sky loomed above me peaceful the stars shone bright above me one in particular twinkled..I was lost in it..every night I came out here to star gaze..I loved being so close to nature to Sandy.. while everyone else was asleep..a noise startled me and I go up afraid it was a bear then a branch broke ..

_Hello..._

I called out but no one answered..so I went to investigate carefully going through the woods trying not to step on any branches or thorns... the pitch blackness made it hard to see and it was chilly tonight so I hugged myself to keep warm..cussing myself for coming so far but I had spaced out as I was walking..

The sound of music stopped me I pushed aside some bushes and with the little light from the stars in the field. I saw miles sprawled out with her guitar she was playing eyes closed as she sung I didn't know the song but it was haunting and sweet..full of pain and regret ..

_Can't you tell that this is all just a contest?  
The one that wins will be the one that hits the hardest  
But baby I don't mean it  
I mean it, I promise  
__Da da da, da da  
__  
Please don't leave me  
Oh please don't leave me  
I always say how I don't need you  
But it's always gonna come right back to this  
Please, don't leave me_

I forgot to say out loud how beautiful you really are to me  
I cannot be without, you're my perfect little punching bag  
And I need you, I'm sorry  
Da da da, da da 

_Baby please don't leave me  
(Da da da, da da)  
No, don't leave me  
Please don't leave me no no no_

You say I don't need you  
But it's always gonna come right back  
It's gonna come right back to this  
Please, don't leave me 

I didn't want to interrupt she seemed to need the space but I saw the tears streaming down and wished again that I could help but I seemed incapable of doing that this year ..frustrated I pounded the tree next to me softly but with all the force inside of me..

**Mandy's p o v**

_Please don't leave me, oh no no no.  
I always say how I don't need you  
But it's always gonna come right back to this_

Please don't leave me  
Baby, please, please don't leave me 

" _Come to bed Mandy it's late your tired _

_Camp is almost over we need you to be _

_at your best _

_we need to give these kids an amazing_

_summer even if ours is crappy..[Laura]_

_yea I'm coming..[me]_

Laura held her arms open for me as I crawled into bed and I found myself so grateful to have her as a friend all the girls really had been so great not asking for explanation just accepting that I needed a little help even if I was to stubborn to admit it, she held me as silent tears fell down only a few that I allowed to escape she brushed them away and whispered to me making me laugh..

I barely slept again so the next morning I got up and went for a long run which felt amazing my legs pumping as the wind sailed along with me my hair blowing in the breeze , the air was chilly damp with a expected days rain ahead but it only pushed me closing my eyes. I prayed that god would show me the way not just through the path I was running on but through whatever he had planned for me and I prayed for the strength to make it through...opening my eyes I got the answer ..a tree branch that I didn't see till I was flat on my face wind knocked out of me..laying there I looked up at the sky..stars flowing above me..

_Really god that's what you had to say?_

Not sure what I expected but I what I felt was rain drops falling sighing I pushed myself up ,I ran for an hour then went to grab some studio time ..randomly turning the stereo on I stretched and went into a simple routine the music guided me and I jumped and spun and twirled loving the freedom that dance allowed me which life never seemed to..an hour and in half later as students started to come for early work out sessions I stopped and sank down against the barre eyes closed breathing heavy Nazi handed me a towel and commented..

_Great song.._

It was the first time I heard it and was struck by the irony of it all...

Wow god does work in mysterious ways ..

_I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down  
and wiped our tears away,  
stepped in and saved the day.  
But once again, I say amen  
and it's still raining  
as the thunder rolls  
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,  
"I'm with you"  
and as Your mercy falls  
I raise my hands and praise  
the God who gives and takes away._

Chorus:  
And I'll praise you in this storm  
and I will lift my hands  
for You are who You are  
no matter where I am  
and every tear I've cried  
You hold in your hand  
You never left my side  
and though my heart is torn  
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind  
You heard my cry to You  
and raised me up again  
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on  
if I can't find You  
and as the thunder rolls  
I barely hear You whisper through the rain  
"I'm with you"  
and as Your mercy falls  
I raise my hands and praise  
the God who gives and takes away

Chorus

I lift my eyes onto the hills  
where does my help come from?  
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth  
I lift my eyes onto the hills  
where does my help come from?  
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth  


Looking around I smiled at these beautiful kids who all faced so many more hardships then I could ever know but who all still had so many dreams and hopes who never gave up and it dawned on me what right did I have to feel down? I had my health my family my friends and my gift..I was here to teach and to help as he intended me to she helped me up and smiled I ruffled her hair as she cried out and I felt a deep laugh come up. Danny was working on his attitude so I went and showed him the proper way I saw right away what his problem was..the relief on his face was immediate.

Lyrics to please don't leave me by pink.


	28. Chapter 28 Our Time Is Here

**OUR TIME IS HERE**

**DAWN'S P O V**

The next few weeks passed by so fast I barely remembered but there was a lot of preparations for the end groups were coming together to edit their projects and a lot of late nights were spent getting the editing done working on routines and vocals skits. I hadn't had so much fun in a long time seeing the kids work so hard and being so happy. They lifted my spirits right up I worked right along side Brent who was in school to be a doctor and his minor was visual designing so he helped to contribute a lot in this part. We also spent a lot of time with miles who helped to produce the whole thing she had a knack for this and was great with the kids ever since that night in the woods I had noticed a change she didn't seem to smile as much sure she put up a good front with the kids and others but I would catch her stealing glances at Mandy who never gave her the time of day. Miles would sulk and seem to go somewhere far away in her mind her eyes would dim and she would seem to be weighed down. Still she never let it affect her work she was right there with the kids and she was giving a 110% to the project. The night before the big show I was working with Brent , Miles ,Mandy , Nick,Selena,Joe,Kevin, Demi, Lacey who had recovered fully and come back three days ago. We were trying to get the group routine down it was tense not just from that but whatever was going on between them. I noticed they were avoiding talking unless they had to Joe was cracking jokes but it was failing one example was when Miley was doing a solo dance and Selena who was singing walked right in front of her blocking her as she sung arms out wide so miles danced around her and Selena stepped to her side and miles went down almost spraining her ankle but being professional she apologized taking the blame and went on without getting back, Selena smirked another example was when Nick was doing a guitar solo by miles as they sung Mandy got her foot caught on the wire to his guitar and short circuited his guitar causing it to spark and him to throw it which landed in a tub of water ruining the guitar she shrugged and said " _sorry it was a accident" _no one believed her but we didn't have time to argue. At the end I almost breathed a sigh of relief but then Selena and Miles had to read together and they ended up fighting Emily had to pull Miley off and Demi Selena. We finally just called it a night but I was hoping they could get through the routine on the actual performance date_**tomorrow **___ without killing each other.

After that fun night which lasted 6 hours thank you very much I needed a drink so I headed to the employee lounge Mandy was there laying on a sofa watching some ballet show. Laura and Noreen were going over a choreography routine Jeff was listening to his I-pod Josh was talking quietly to Morgan both sipping drinks. I poured myself one and went to sit by Mandy who was the quietest curled up in a ball wrapped in a blanket she gazed at the drink longingly

_u look quite comfy want me to pour you one? [me]_

She kept staring at it Laura and Noreen watched intently as if they would jump on her if she answered wrong but she just shock her head and curled up tighter. I remained silent and watched it was a beautiful dance. I couldn't help notice that she would glance at the bottles and sigh when they weren't looking her eyes remained sad and distant.

As everyone else headed up to bed Brent and I went for a walk star gazing holding hands we talked about where we were heading after camp our plans for the future and when we should meet up for the holidays we promised to stay in touch more this year. We went to the lake and sat huddled in each other's arms as we watched the moonlight reflect on the water and the stars twinkle we were both feeling so many feelings sad that camp was to end soon and we were going off and sad because we knew that as hard as these kids tried nothing could take away the cold hard fact that for some of these kids there would be no next year. That was a hard pill to swallow even now after all these years it was something I still suck at. We were both thinking of Sandy try as we might not to she crossed our minds..without warning. I found myself turned to him and without hesitation I leaned up and kissed him.

A crackling broke us apart like a electric shock we both blushed as I saw Mandy stop and skid before us completely embarrassed she interrupted us she looked flushed and her eyes were red from crying .I looked to Brent who shrugged so I jumped up as she apologized voice shaking wrapping my arms around her I reassured her it was okay and she sank into my arms her body shaking but no sobs emerged..we sunk down and he wrapped a blanket around her we didn't say anything for awhile but she broke the silence

_I'm sorry I don't know why I can't seem to keep control_

_of my emotions lately [Mandy]_

_it's okay were all a little on edge_

_with camp ending so soon and the _

_competition tomorrow it's natural [me]_

_I bet miles is a bundle of nerves she _

_worked really hard on the project [Brent]_

_I wouldn't know how she is she ..well we_

_had a fight and I haven't talked to her [Mandy]_

_well that's stupid man you should never waste time_

_with the ones you love you just never know_

_when the opportunity will be taken from you [Brent]_

_she started it she can wrap it up [Mandy]_

_give it time what ever it is will work out_

_you both care so much for each other _

_sometimes you have to work through_

_your emotions and how you feel about _

_a situation before you can come to a end [ me]_

_yea I suppose it'll take something big _

_to solve this though I'm afraid [Mandy]_

We sat quite just gazing at the stars as a tune came to me so I started humming and Brent caught on and started reciting our favorite bible verse Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

_To everything there is a season,  
a time for every purpose under the sun.  
A time to be born and a time to die;  
a time to plant and a time to pluck up that which is planted;  
a time to kill and a time to heal ...  
a time to weep and a time to laugh;  
a time to mourn and a time to dance ...  
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing;  
a time to lose and a time to seek;  
a time to rend and a time to sew;  
a time to keep silent and a time to speak;  
a time to love and a time to hate;  
a time for war and a time for peace. _

She never responded she simply nodded sad at us and walked away I saw tears shimmering in her eyes as I settled close to him. Wishing with all my heart that I could go back to the days of my early youth when life was simple and love was easy.

**Selena's p o v**

_Are you going to talk to me Dems? [me]_

_pls I can't bare you to be mad to.._

She didn't respond she was fuming as she shoved stuff into her suitcase and threw things by it , I was sitting on her bed with my keyboard flinching at every glare and every huff . Demi and I have been friends for way too long for me to not know when she was angry at me and right now she wanted me to die which was only making me feel worse like I was hurting enough..

_I just can't believe you Selena!_

_I mean it was enough you lashed into her when _

_she was laid up in bed and sick_

_even if she deserved it I guess_

_u guess? She stole my boyfriend! [me]_

_yea and I thought you were bigger_

_then her but tonight ...u proved u weren't_

_glaring at her tripping her backstage _

_spilling sauce on her embarrassing her in front_

_of her kids and pushing her out of the way on stage!_

_That wasn't just childish it was unprofessional!_

_And it was degrading to all of us we have a job to do_

_if you don't care about that care enough about these kids_

_to grow up Sel_

_these kids need this! _

_Mac needs this.._

_she needs to be able to raise money for these kids_

_after everything she has gone through she needs to be able_

_to say her life counted for something!_

_Oh my gosh Demi chill out u act like she's dying or something_

_relax she's fine and it's not like I would do it in the actual_

_performance I know how to remain professional [me]_

_well you could of fooled me tonight...[Demi]_

Suddenly the tears wouldn't stop they just rushed out and I couldn't stop the shaking trying to wipe them away did no good. So I gave up and surrendered to them burying my face in my pillow as she kept going off till at some point she must of seen me crying and came over. Don't ask me when that was or what she was saying cause I don't remember all I remember was opening my eyes to see her laying with me her arms holding me as I shock and cried. Her voice soothing me and apologizing for being so cross. After the tears stopped she covered us with a blanket and I laid my head on her shoulder and she started telling stories to make me laugh...which she did like no one else could ever but after she left to check on her kids the sadness took over again and I tried to block them out but the memories of nick came back at full force the first time we met the fist time we went out the endless music jams we had the secrets we told each other the disguises we wore to fool fans and paparazzi when we went out the football games we watched which always ended up with popcorn fights the family dinners ..our first kiss..our first time...our second our third..my whole body came alive when I thought of how he felt when he touched me held me whispered in my ears..made love to me..then came the lies when he would tell me he was going out with his brothers or his friends but he was really going to her house..calling her taking her out..I thought of how I changed my life who I was for him how I compromised myself my trust gave myself before I was ready ..and I felt the tears and sadness melt away to pure anger..sitting up I went into the bathroom to wash up and run a brush through my hair ..I almost screamed when I saw myself in the mirror black streaks lined my face which was a mixture of paleness and redness..my eyes were bloodshot my hair was in two pigtails which were sticking out hideously I looked like some Gothic chic who got whacked off and refused to die..quickly I scrubbed my face and washed up before I jumped into the shower to freshen up more and a quick pee..once I was done and felt human again .I grabbed my keyboard she was still out so I started working out a tune and using my anger and feelings to jam out a chorus and soon a verse and another....before I knew it I had a song and I was liking it...

_You had me to get her.  
And here, I thought it was me.  
I was changin', arrangin' my life to fit your lies.  
It's all said and all done.  
I gave it all for the long run.  
Can she say the same thing?  
I guess this is good bye and good luck.  
(I can't be what you want me to be.)_

Chorus:

I'm sorry for changing.  
I'm sorry it had to be this way.  
Believe me, it's easier just to pretend.  
But, I won't apologize for who I am.

No, no.

Remember the time when you said you were out with your best friend.  
But it wasn't the best friend that you know I thought you meant and  
I used to assented, I didn't know I could be free.  
But I am, and I won't go back 'cause you so don't deserve me.  
(I don't even want to be her.)

Chorus:  
I'm sorry for changing.  
I'm sorry it had to be this way.  
Believe me, it's easier just to pretend.  
But, I won't apologize for who I am.

I thank you for this hopeless war  
Cause through the pain now I'm stronger now than before.  
Now I'm more.  
I don't need you anymore.  
I'm sorry.  
(Listen close I won't say this again.)

Chorus:  
I'm sorry for changing.  
I'm sorry it had to be this way.  
Believe me, it's easier just to pretend.  
But, I won't apologize for who I am.

I'm sorry for changing.  
I'm sorry it isn't like it was.  
Believe me, it's easier just to pretend.  
But, I won't apologize,  
Why should I apologize,  
No, I won't apologize for who I am  


I was done I decided right then and there done of changing who I am and I was sick of apologizing Nick didn't get me so he didn't deserver me. Laying down I smiled it was amazing to me how music can lift you up and make you go to a higher place. That was what it was about and that was what these kids already knew...I thought back to all the fun times I had this summer and smiled. These kids needed this show she was so right about that but I wondered again about her comments about Mac, she always seemed so in charge and so in control she always radiated beauty and warmth and health she was an example of what good can come from bad so why was Demi so freaked?

**Dawn p o v**

_Hey what's going on Demi? [me]_

_can I ask you something?_

_Sure what is it? [Demi]_

_it's not my place but I overheard Zoe talking To Alexia_

_and …_

She sighed..twirling her fingers

_Mac she's real sick isn't she?_

_What do you mean? [me]_

_she has cancer just like a lot of these kids_

_yea but a lot of these kids their in remission_

_their beating their disease_

_Yea loads of us do [me]_

_yous ?[Demi]_

_I had cancer once to when I was 13 I was_

_diagnosed with ALL that was way before half the _

_treatments today were around_

_and you beat it? [Demi]_

_yea almost 10 years_

_wow that's awesome _

_yea it is I thank god every night_

_but Mac I mean.._

_No one knows the future Demi kids who we_

_think won't survive a few weeks are living full and productive_

_cancer free lives others who we thought had a great chance_

_are dead.._

_but Mac.._

_look I can't discuss her case_

_I am sorry I know your friends but.._

_it's okay I understand..I just.._

_people I care about are fighting over the stupidest stuff_

_and Mac she's fighting for something real [Demi]_

_we all fight for something Demi_

_it's how we fight that makes the difference [me] _

_yea makes sense thanks can I see her?_

_Ask her yourself she's upstairs.._

_I was about to head back up I'll go with you [me]_

_thanks [Demi]_

I took her arm and we walked up to the penthouse. When we got there Alexia answered the door she looked at Demi questionably.I answered for her since she looked nervous now Alexia sighed

_We were afraid it would get out sooner or later_

_it's okay bring her inside _

Alexia held open the door and lead us inside Rian was at the patio playing his guitar , a women Demi had never seen [ I could tell by the look on her face ] which was Rian's mom Destiny was laying on the couch half asleep she was gorgeous her long blond hair tied up on her head which normally hung down to her mid back her face was naked with no makeup but she had the most radiant natural color her eyes were a brilliant ray of green she is 5'4 but she carries herself with such confidence and certainly that she makes you feel 5'3 and herself 6'3 but today she looked exhausted and didn't rise to meet us , so we went upstairs and followed Alexia who was looking pretty wrecked herself. When we got to Mac's room I took a deep breath no one tells you this but cancer it knocks the shit out of not only the person fighting it but those around you as well. Looking at everyone today you can see it..Mac was laying curled up on her bed. Blankets wrapped over her trembling body Zoe was sitting in a chair next to her holding her hand. Mac's back was towards us we went around and Demi gripped my arm as we came to Mac's face her eyes closed breathing heavy as she sucked on oxygen . Zoe was running a cold cloth over her face and neck. Dark circles lined her eyes and under them her checks were pale and her body was thin very thin. I knew she had stopped eating last week from vomiting so much it was already taking a toll on her but she refused a GI tube she did not want to scare the kids and there was always kids coming in and out of here so there was no way to hide it. I tried to talk to her and tell her how crazy it was her aunt Destiny had tried to force it but it just lead to a huge fight which lead to a coughing fit and her almost collapsing. So the subject was dropped but now the side effects from that decision were in full effect , I knew she was in a great deal of pain so I adjusted her morphine drip and within seconds her body stopped trembling. Quickly I checked her Zoe helped me to turn her as soon as we got her on her back she gasped for air eyes open wide and completely white I yelled for the tach tube and inserted it into her throat she started breathing better almost right away. Zoe grasped her hand kissing it. Destiny came in red eyed and took her other hand. Talking to her gently she looked at Zoe and then came out with me as I finished my exam

_What's going on? Why did she go into distress?_

_Be straight with me I know it's bad_

_I have a son with cf kids_ _just don't go into_

_distress without solid reasons [Destiny]_

_I'll be straight_

_she's having difficulty fighting off this_

**_Pneumonia_**_ and it's taken over her whole body_

_her right lung is almost collapsing and her latest_

_tests..._

_be straight please is she terminal? [Destiny]_

_yes I'm afraid she is..I'm so sorry.._

She covered her face with her hands near tears and excused herself she went down the hall and screamed breaking down. Rian came up and went over pulling her into his arms. I watched the scene unfold and it brought back the memories of Marlee when she was passing away. Demi remained silent but she took it all in. Destiny came back muttering Dammit over and over but when she got to us she took a deep breath and asked me to go on. I told her what Mac's tests results showed..

_She has fluid in her lungs _

_which is cause of the pneumonia_

_her latest spinal tap and bone marrow_

_aspirations show blasts in her marrow_

_which is a reoccurring of her leukemia_

_it means her cancer has __metastasized _

_to her liver, marrow , spinal cord and lungs_

_and it's in her blood stream_

_just be honest how long?_

_I can't predict that no one can_

_but you have an idea? [Destiny]_

_honestly maybe a month or two [me]_

_at the most but there's no telling she's young and a fighter_

_she's beating the odds before right she can do it again! [Destiny]_

_my god she's only 16 …_

_I am so sorry but I don't think there's any way for her to beat this _

_it's spread so far and so fast that her body's shutting down [me]_

_does she know? [Demi]_

_I mean I've talked to a lot of these kids and they seem_

_to know when something is wrong even when no one tells them[Demi]_

_it's more likely that she does she's been through so much _

_I'm sure she does_

_but for now until Destiny makes a decision_

_as rather to tell her keep quite [me]_

_she should be told she would wan.. [Demi]_

_it's my call I'm her guardian I'll tell her when the_

_time is right no one says a word to anyone! [Destiny]_

_excuse me I need to get myself together before I go in..[Destiny]_

I left Demi to talk to Alexia in the hall she was upset as I knew she would be , sometimes it's harder for her because she's never been sick like Rian and Zoe and Mac so she has to accept something she has no experience living with, she puts on a brave front and is always there to help out anytime and any place. Rian getting ready for his thumps which Zoe was going to do for him since Destiny was upset. I went inside and back over to Mac who was awake but hardly able to talk she was in a lot of pain I could tell by the way she was clenching her fists. Going over I slipped my hand into hers she gave me a smile with her eyes which still had a bright sparkle but there was something else in them to a deep darkness that seemed to possess a inner knowledge of what most of all search our whole lives for. I ran my hands over her face seeing her flinch as my fingers touched the right side where once the wig was off you could clearly see the lump on the side of her right head which had gotten bigger in just the last five weeks since I saw her. The scans showed a 90% enlargement in her mass it was pretty much like a 20 lb tumor ,I would in all honestly be shocked if she made it a month but Destiny was right she was a fighter which was the only reason she she should be awake the pain she had to be would knock most grown men out. When I grabbed her hand she was cold and weak , running my own hand over it to warm her up, I smiled and started talking about the showcase tomorrow. She grinned and listened occasionally I would get a smile or a slight nod or funny stories would earn me a small laugh. When I ran out of stories I sat and looked at her, she looked to the door when she saw no one was coming she took off the mask I heard her gasp and struggle for air ..she stared me straight in the eyes and said..

_Promise me something? [Mac]_

_sweetie don't talk..[me]_

_I won't but please promise me.._

_okay what is it? [me]_

_I ..please don't tell the kids_

_tell them what? [me]_

_make sure they know that what is happening to me doesn't_

_have to be their fate._

_What do u mean? [me]_

_I know Dawn and I'm not afraid_

_I..I've known for.._

She coughed hard I helped her sit up as she gasped and gagged, quickly I slipped the mask over her mouth she sucked hard I slipped behind her and she laid against me ,relaxed in my arms . After she rested for a minute she went on..

_I know Destiny she needs time she'll_

_tell me when she's ready and that's okay_

_but the kids need to think that I'm strong_

_and they need to be able to concentrate on the show _

_they should have a night to remember_

_their deal with the harsh reality soon enough let them have _

_tomorrow night please..[Mac]_

_of course but you can't give up Mac we will fight this_

_don't lie to me dawn remember when you were a patient_

_all you wanted was the truth_

_I know it I can't fight the enviable..[Mac]_

_sorry I just.._

_it's okay lets not think about it for now [me]_

_I'm okay.. just tired..[mac]_

_rest you'll feel better tomorrow morning..[me]_

I adjusted her pump and took her vitals again. Her pulse was stronger but her heart was racing, I gave her a shot of metoprolol (Lopressor), within minutes she relaxed and was asleep.

Destiny went to sit by her side as I struggled to not break down I had to be strong for my girls and for me I was a doctor now we take a oath not to get attached to our patients well okay I wasn't a Dr yet.. but I would be and I couldn't break down every-time I had to tell a pt they were out of options and no matter how great a Dr I became there would always be a time when we ran out of options till a cure came anyway and it seems I might not see one in my lifetime. Still as hard as I tried I couldn't stop the tears she wasn't just any patient she was a friend a close friend who hasn't done anything but try to help these kids and live her life to the fullest and it wasn't fair all my memories of Sweet Sandy and Messy Marlee flooded me and once again. I questioned why was I always the one to say good-bye and be left to carry on? The night was clear and still warm as I walked to the church the stars out shining. My mind was full as I went ahead, so full I almost missed Miles sitting in the pew strumming her guitar. She was playing a beautiful melody ..which made me jump I stood and watched as she sung the words unaware I was there..

_I miss you  
I miss your smile  
And I still shed a tear  
Every once in a while  
And even though it's different now  
You're still here somehow  
My heart won't let you go  
And I need you to know  
I miss you, sha la la la la  
I miss you _

It was sweet and her voice so full of emotions I felt like a robber sneaking up and stealing what was suppose to be a very private moment so I quietly went to the alter and lit three candles and knelled to pray.

When I got back to my room the girls were still up chatting excitedly about what was to come tomorrow, a few were visiting with parents who had come early to see the show and spend some time with their kids, my dad was working out of town and was flying in tomorrow mom had a deadline and couldn't make it but Rob my big strong brother who's bone marrow flowed inside of me giving me my gift of life..and his wife Katie and their son Keegan who's 9 were arriving tomorrow. Their enthusiasm was catching and soon I was laughing.

Sleep was easy to come for me I was so exhausted.

**Miley p o v**

Laughter filled the room as I returned to my room I had been in the church for over an hour and praying and playing my guitar had helped me. Still I was exhausted and very nauseated when I returned but seeing the kids so hyped helped me. Brandi noticed how I felt and came over with a cool cloth and a ice cold coke for me which eased me a bit, Katie and I had decided to help the kids feel more settled that we would play games with them and any parents who showed up in our room we cleared a space and we were currently sitting in the middle of the floor getting ready to play a game of pic-fic which was some game the kids made up in their rap sessions.

I really enjoyed meeting the parents it was a eye opener to meet these parents and see that not only had these disease's affected the kids who had them but the parents many who had to give up jobs or some who lost them to care for the kids most struggled with money issues some were single parents some had other kids at home who were trying to balance a normal life and their feelings with having to raise themselves while their parents were spending all their time on the sick kid or trying to make enough money to keep food and a roof . Nazi's mom Nerissa was the funniest she was telling jokes and leading dances and sing offs she and Nazi got along so well it reminded me of my mom who I glanced over at she was talking to Payton's mom both sitting on the couch munching on popcorn watching Payton's younger sisters twins who were so cute 2 year olds Amy and Beth who were building a mini village out of chips. Which 5 year old Alex Nazaria's little brother would knock them down laughing and clapping. It made me smile and appreciate my life without thinking I went over and hugged mom who looked up surprised as I clung to her whispering " _momma I love ya' "_she hugged me back and whispering I know and I love you to baby"

The thing that struck me the most was Ella playing with the twins making them laugh and tickling them

and playing hide and seek..she was so cute..I had to join in .I saw Ella duck under a dresser and I joined her we were able to see the twins stumbling yelling out in cute baby talk

_mamie ind ile [ translation Amy find miley]_

_eie ere eie? [Translation Ella where's Ella]_

_how long should we give them? [me]_

_[giggling ]_

_a little while it's fun to watch them [Ella]_

_I remember when my dad _

_would play this with me heck we still do at times_

_did you play with yours? [me]_

_not now but when I was a kid we did all the time_

_he would always hide where I could find him_

_then he would run and I would chase him_

_and he would let me jump on his back and _

_tickle him [Ella]_

It struck me that she said when I was a kid..she was still a kid! I swallowed against the lump in my throat as she looked up and smiled at me then took my hand

_listen to them here they come [Ella]_

_ere's ey at? [Where's they at]_

_aw their so cute I want a little girl_

_when I get older [me]_

_and a little boy_

_yea me to I want two of each! [Ella]_

_let's go! [Ella]_

We jumped out at them and scared them causing them to giggle and scream baby screams as we tickled them and they cried out

" _ound em ound em! [Found them!]_

In between this Ella would look up at the door awaiting her mom but the evening flew by and she didn't show by the end when everyone was starting to say good-night and the parents leaving she sat on the couch hugging a pillow head hanging down sighing , I went over and put my arms around her shoulders..she rested her head on mine

_looks like we are both missing someone _

_tonight [me]_

_yea but at least Mandy cares about you [Ella]_

_aw your mom cares to [me]_

_only when it suits her plans _

_otherwise I'm expandable _

_Mandy would be here if u 2 would make up_

_your both being stubborn but she loves you_

_mom is in love with her career kids are just a _

_trophy for her to break out when she needs to impress someone [Ella]_

_I don't know why I thought this weekend would be different.._

She seemed to be fighting off tears even when I squeezed her shoulder she didn't let them flow

_maybe she'll show tomorrow she might of_

_gotten struck in traffic_

_yea sure and Mandy is going to come_

_begging to take you back_

_not..[Ella]_

It was the first time I saw Ella show any emotions expect happiness and enthusiasm and it was scary, and her comment about Mandy really stung more then I would admit. Part of me wanted to go after her as she went to her bed but another part of me told me she needed to work through this by herself.

I barely slept all night I tossed and turned thinking about Mandy wishing she was by me I missed her bad..really bad and it was so much harder knowing I was the reason she was gone it was all my fault.

At 5 I got up and went for a run the fresh air felt amazing and woke me right up after I ran I went for a swim Jeff was there already over the last few weeks him and Katie had been helping me train for my up coming tour and I was starting to feel ready physically .As I dove in the cold didn't even bother me Jeff challenged me to 50 laps which he always kicked my butt at cause by 20 I was panting and struggling as he easily sliced through the water turning to laugh at my pathetic self. Still I was determined to beat him and not let it be some pity victory so every morning from 4 -5 I had been getting up to work extra hard swimming laps and and at night when the kids were asleep I was coming down here to swim more a lot of times Nazi was joining me or Chelsea.

As we swam he was doing his usual victory laugh as I pumped my arms glaring at him determined to beat his ass. He didn't even see me coming as I dove under water and shot forward making a quick stop as I was under him grabbing his torso he yelped as he splashed and flopped shocked going under I shot up laughing the look on his face was classic as I made the final lap with ease and sailed to the end on my back just like he did when he taunted me..he stood up

_u cheated no fair!_

_This is war! _

_Be prepared to eat mud!_

_No way Man! [me]_

He charged after me and I laughed jumping out and running he chased me all the way back to the cabin.

I would of made it to if I hadn't smacked into a pair of walking pillows..looking up I fell back in my steps a bit Mandy's clear perfect eyes stared back at me ,

_watch where your going [Mandy]_

_sorry..[me]_

_u seem to be saying that a lot as of late huh? _

_Too bad it kind of loses it's meaning when it's _

_said too often..[Mandy]_

_guess I had that coming [me]_

_you think? [Mandy]_

She gave me one last look and shock her head as she walked away I. tried to grab her arm but she shock me off and went away her long raven hair flew behind her smacking me in my face. Just like that she was gone and my tears came in waves brushing them off. I went upstairs to shower the girls were packing up last minute stuff their eyes turned to me as I came in and they exchanged looks with each other, making me feel like they were talking about me when I wasn't in the room..creepy feeling..

_what? _

_Somebody wanna tell me? [me]_

_uh..nothing..[Alicia]_

_not a thing..[Becky]_

_got to find razor [Ella]_

_you have no hair to shave! [me]_

_uh yea but u never know _

_it may grow one day and just like that bam_

_I'll need it so yea I'm gonna go get it!_

They all looked at her kind of crazy but she bounced off and shrugged the others scrambled as Katie helped get luggage together and I went to shower.

The day was full and hectic selected groups that were chosen to preform at tonights performances were working on last minute routines , the full assemble had been rehearsed over and over till most of the girls were doing it in their sleeps. For us we had the day off basically unless a camper needed us, I went and watched my girls clapping and cheering, Ella was doing a gymnastics routine in their number she executed each move with precise accuracy and grace as she lifted her arms up looking to where the judges would be and smiled as she posed while Alicia and Becky did their breathtaking foot work a series of fouetté en tournant and a finale of grand jeté s the audience would be gasping and wide eyed when my girls were done , they were using a fast remix Selena's song naturally which was ironic considering she pretty much hated my guts right now. I was glued even though I had to pee so bad I didn't want to get up and miss a minute I had never seen this routine before it was one Mandy choreographed in class and I wasn't a part of it. I watched as they kept practicing determined to get this right.. Ella started it looking like a little kid she started laying on the ground left leg under her butt as her right laid sprawled

She was hunched over and looked up eyes wide reaching up as she seemed to be chasing something her eyes followed then she jumped up in a series of beautifully orchestrated changement and chassé s she was fast and never wavered arms extended into fifth positions she made the illusions that she was following this thing..then Alicia came in with Becky both doing rond de jambe en dehors and their arms swept over Ella making it look like she was being knocked down as she was in the middle of a ballonné she fell back acting like she was fainting as Payton , Nazi and Sunny came out in chaîné turns and caught her she turned to them they acted like they were whispering as they pointed and looked towards where this thing had gone while Alicia and Becky were dancing front stage their moves made them look scary as if they were robbing Ella of whatever it was she was chasing. The dance was only 5 minutes so this was all done with well timed quick steps , suddenly the music picked up speed and so did the steps they broke into a hip hop routine Ella and Payton took center stage as they spun and did a pas de Basque hands up as they danced towards Alicia and Becky who fell back on relevé

doing a series of Arrière, en: Brisè arms extended ..the dance ended with Ella catching what she was chasing but looking over it as she did a series of slow Fouette Turns she had a very sad and confused look on her face as she opened her hands it was as if she was trying to figure out where all the magic went to ...when she realizes it's gone like the days of yesterday she has to let it go and she goes into a ball spinning down and landing in a pile on the floor which would be lowered as Becky comes back out jumping into the grand finale with Alicia in a grand jeté .

I jumped up clapping excitedly and cheered it brought tears to my eyes as I went to hug them I came up and stepped back suddenly I heard a yelp and felt myself falling my landing was cushioned but the blow came when I heard sniffling and cries of

" _Get off of me! Ow my ankle! _

_Oh my god! Payton are you okay? [me]_

_n..oh...oh..it hurts.._

_aw man..I am so sorry.._

_it's okay..it;'s not your fault_

_I ..need..my …_

_bag it has my bandages in it_

_okay I'll get it where is it? [me]_

_Dance studio # 302_

_no problem I'll be right back_

_Nazria grab some ice_

_Alicia your in charge [me]_

_okay..hurry it looks bad [Becky]_

I took off running ..

**Ella p o v**

_When do you think she'll get _

_that we just tricked her?[Payton]_

I tossed her an apple and juice as she stretched flexing the ankle that she had just faked injuring as we grinned turning up the music and flopping down..

_hopefully not till were on the way _

_to the city cause I don't want to _

_be here when she figures it out [Alicia[_

_her? Snap I'm worried about _

_what Mandy will when she gets it? [Nazria]_

_oh yea..didn't think about her yikes_

_did we bit off more then we can chew? [Becky]_

_oh heck we only live once make it count [Payton]_

_yea besides were dancers we can haul butt fast [me]_

_aw man I would kill to see the look on her face! [me]_

_yea I hope they make up it's stupid that their fighting [Nazria]_

_yea and they act like we don't know they were more then friends [Becky]_

_love the air quotes [me]_

_thanks [Becky]_

_anybody nervous? [me]_

_yea a bit more so when I get there I think [Payton]_

_I just hope it works this is such an awesome place [Alicia]_

_yea I can't imagine not coming here [Becky]_

_it has to work so it will no negative vibes kay? [me]_

_only sunshine roses and lollipops? [Payton giggling]_

_yes and fairies [me]_

_kay hey we should make a pact no matter what we _

_stay in touch [Nazria]_

_sweet [me]_

_I like that [Alicia]_

_no matta where we go_

_where the future takes hold_

_and the wind scatters us_

_we swear today on this very spot_

_heads bowed hands held_

_music loud and spirits flying free_

_we will never let them beat us down and we vow_

_to remain young and free_

_to be true to ourselves our hopes_

_and our dreams_

_but more importantly we promise_

_you and I to remain_

_forever friends_

_for today and past eternity_

_let the music be our guide and stars be on our sides_

_forever _

_remain true_

_friends!_

We lifted our hands and laughed I could imagine sparkles flying ..As we stood there grinning I knew that even if we didn't raise enough money , no one could ever take away these memories or the friendships I made this summer. I was connected to each of these girls..through our shared illnesses and through our determination and through our loves of preforming..

_aw sh nap we gotta go! [Nazi]_

_Yea the bus is leaving in 20 [Payton]_

_we need to change and grab our_

_costumes! _

_And escape miles![me]_

Laughing and tackling each other we headed to the cabin somewhere along the lines as I gazed up at a perfectly brilliant sunny sky as sunny suggested we sing well asking a group of performers what else would you accept expect yes! We put 110 into it belting out our time is here at the top of our lungs...

_We're done, but it's not over, we'll start it again  
After the end of the day, it keeps getting better  
Don't be afraid, we'll do it together_

Come on, come on, you know  
It's your time to move, it's my time to move  
Come on, come on, let go  
Leave it all behind, your past and mine

CHORUS  
Gone are the days of summer  
We couldn't change it if we tried  
Why would we want to, let's go where we got to  
Our paths will cross again in time  
It's never the same tomorrow,  
And tomorrow is never clear  
So come on, come on, you know  
Our time, our time is here

We know, but we're not certain  
How can we be, how can we see what's ahead  
The road keeps on turning  
And all we can do, is travel each day to the next

Come on, come on, you know  
It's your time to move, it's my time to move  
Come on, come on, let go  
Leave it all behind, your past and mine

Chorus

YEAH!

Gone are the days of summer  
We couldn't change it if we tried  
(If we tried)  
So come on, come on, come on  
Come on, come on, come on  
So come on, come on, you know  
Our time...our time is here - Yeah - Oh 

We busted into the door of our room laughing as we came face to face with....


	29. Chapter 29 What hurts The Most

**WHAT HURTS THE MOST**

**MILEY'S P O V**

My heart had never raced so fast as I tore through the building and outside to the next building where she had left her bag. I was panting and huffing my chest heavy and tight when I got to the studio. All I could think about was Payton and how she must be in pain. I brushed past the security guard who whipped his head around as I left him dizzy and went straight to the elevator pressing the up buttons looking up . I groaned all 4 were on high floors so without hesitation I headed to the steps . Halfway up I knew it was a stupid decision on my part cause I couldn't get my breath but I pushed myself my legs burning as I ran and made it to the floor bursting through the doors at the right moment just when my legs made up their mind to no longer hold me up right and I sagged against the door frame the class stopped and looked at me my face flushed as I sank down. I heard a few gasps as I looked up to assure them I was fine, I realized I had been played by these girls. Mandy's eyes burned through mine as she turned to me. My world started to tip as I felt dizzy and gasped for air my chest was so tight it was on fire. I could no longer hold on as I gasped harder my breath becoming shorter stumbling for the chair nearest to me as I felt the floor coming closer to me but then I felt a grip of an angel as Mandy grabbed me pulling me up , her voice was like music to my ears as her strong arms made quick work of pulling me up and helping me to sit against the wall

_Calm down miles and breathe _

_take a deep breath and relax_

_in out in out 1..2..3..1..2..3_

_like this..come on u can do it babe_

_Put your head between your legs breathe_

_Someone grab a was cloth_

_we need to get her pulse [Mandy]_

_M..a..n..d..[me]_

_Shh no..I ..ha..v..e..to.. [me]_

_Pay..ton...needs.._

_Aw oh god..[me]_

The pain ripped through me like a bloody knife I could barely keep from crying it hurt so much but I could see how scared the kids were so I kept it in. She held me and took my pulse looking at me with worry in her eyes...

_What's wrong with Payton? [Mandy]_

_she..oh..dang..[me]_

Gasping the pain shot through at all angle's and blinded me she held my hand and kept counting as she softly told me to relax and placed a damp cloth on my head .I heard her giving orders to one of the older girls to check on Payton..but I was beginning to think she was fine and I was the one who needed help. My hands were stiff and my legs were like rubber .I felt like a million pins and needles were tearing through me. Gentle but firm my head was pushed back and leaned against a familiar shoulder a cloth made it's way over my face and I felt my breathing ease as I heard her voice gently singing to me..

_I wrote your name into the sky,  
But the wind blew it away.  
I wrote your name into the sand,  
but the waves washed it away.  
I wrote your name into my heart,  
And forever it will stay. _

_I sing to you in songs of glory_

_and memories of sweeter times_

_gone by as we look to what's ahead_

_I recall the summer days spent_

_in glorious carefree harmony_

_by the camp fire we sat _

_dreaming in the glow of days yet to come_

_surprises that we don't know_

_where the winds will carry us_

_days flew by and today we _

_approach with bittersweet_

_anticipation where will we go_

_will next year come fast enough?_

_Will things still be the same?_

_Bags are packed but our hearts_

_are not ready for good-bye_

_We wonder so many things_

_like will we have tomorrow_

_Will we still think back and laugh at these times_

_as the year flies by_

_Will make new friends and new memories but will they_

_crowd out these summer days_

_With the changing of the summer/winter winds_

_If could change one thing do I have to stop and think?_

_Not when I look into your eyes_

_cause if they say it's true_

_then I know I will have tomorrow_

_cause true love never dies_

_and sometimes good-bye is the only way_

_to say hello again..._

_I wrote your name into the sky,  
But the wind blew it away.  
I wrote your name into the sand,  
but the waves washed it away.  
I wrote your name into my heart,  
And forever it will stay. _

Her voice brought me so much comfort and I started to feel myself calming down as she stroked my head and face. Words became a blur after her voice faded..

Time seemed to pass by too fast I wanted to stay in her arms forever but all to soon she was helping me up as one of the kids came running back with Sam who had that look on her face like you again? Really? Can't you go a day without needing me? She checked me out and told me what Mandy had already a panic attack she made her promise to keep an eye on me which I'm sure she was thrilled at but she did. Someone handed me a bottle of water and she held it up to my dried lips eagerly I drank , the cool liquid felt like heaven as it slide down my burning throat. Some time as I laid my head back down and closed my eyes I heard her whispering with someone then she dismissed the kids never shifting my head. She felt amazing still as sweet as ever even after dancing as hard as she had and knowing Mandy the way I did I'm sure she had been up today for hours before anybody else rehearsing.

I could feel her heart beating so heavy against my ear as I cuddled closer once it was empty she became quite my breathing had eased up a lot and I could feel the blood rushing to every part of my body as she rubbed my hands and and arms trying to get the blood flow back to them. Neither one of us said anything. I wanted to there were so many things I wanted to say so damn bad but I couldn't my throat still burned and I just couldn't risk her getting mad and leaving. I wanted to keep her arms around me as long as I could get it. Her heart was starting to beat just as fast as mine was. I knew she was scared now when the kids had been around she had been able to focus on them and stuff her fear and feelings inside and put up a front, but now she was alone with me and she didn't like that cause I knew her too damn well. I knew she was afraid of being alone of having the ones she love betray her and leave her I knew how bad she had been hurt by guys and how she put on a act so people thought she was tougher then she really is..I knew she had a silly compulsion of having to sleep on the left hand side once I felt her relax a bit and knew she had closed her eyes. I shakily lifted my hand and brushed it over her face and pushed her hair back slowly I opened my eyes to see a few tears escaping hers sliding down her flushed checks. I bit my lip I wanted to kiss away her tears but I knew she would kill me. Her breathing was becoming fast and she was biting her lip slowly, I pushed myself up and moved closer she didn't flinch as I pressed my body against hers and ran my hand over her face. Keeping my eyes open I gazed at her sweet face and felt the enormous weight bearing down on me ..she had become defensive as soon as I tightened my grip on her arm but it didn't stop me I was craving her so bad every part of my damn body hurt like hell .I swear it was like a blazing fire coursing through my veins as I pressed my body so close. I could feel every flinch heartbeat and breath , her skin felt like slick against my prickly skin, letting my right hand lay on the back of her head, I crashed my lips on to hers she moaned a bit but she didn't fight. I was like a starving person unable to get enough nutrition and I just kept sucking her lips till she couldn't fight it and moaned loudly her tongue inside my mouth pleasing me as I teased her with kiss after delicious kiss. Pushing her back as I pressed myself against her fully she tried pushing me away closing her lips but my tongue forced its self inside of her mouth as my hands wondered up her shirt making her moan as her back hit the floor , this would make the front headline of every paper if the Paparazzi would see what I did next without thinking or caring if anyone saw me as I crawled on top of her our bodies were so close I could feel the heat coming off hers feel her sweat and feel her heartbeat so close to my chest. I felt like it was my own. She tasted amazing like cherries and peaches her lips were rough as they devoured me she wanted me I knew it and I was going make her remember how much she loved me and how sorry she would be if she left me..scared she would find the strength to push me away. I held her down letting my tongue caress her mouth slowly making her moan as I explored her inside her breathing became heavy so I knew I was getting to her as I ran my hands over her back massaging her upper arms and shoulders and mid back which arched slightly at my touch pressing myself closer I moved in for he kill , my fingers on my left hand slide over her breast under the wire rim of her bra . The feel of her delicate skin which tingled at my touch made me feel so many emotions but none more then sheer urgency I needed to make love to her to have her love me back and mean it. Her shirt slide up as I held her arms back and she tried to fight me my knee gently pushed its way in between her legs but she blocked entrance almost knocking me down as she kicked at my legs trying to knock me off my game but I wouldn't let her derail me she tasted too damn good a small gasped escaped my lips as her foot connected with my thigh and hip bone she was trying to prove a point that she wasn't going to forgive me so damn easily and that she wanted me to feel what she was..pain..pain caused by the one you love the most hurting you ..even though I had never assaulted her I caused her the worst kind of pain. Still I wasn't about to stop quickly I took off her shirt and let my hand glide down her pants past her thong which was a sliver and purple laced my fingers curled around her soft hairs rubbing over clitoris she groaned and finally let my knee spread her legs and my fingers pressed deeper making her moan louder as I pushed inside harder feeling her juices flowing then I pulled out and went in harder and deeper...we started kissing harder and more passionate her arms wrapped around me and pulled me down on top of her my kisses traveled from her neck and face to her breasts and stomach damn she had an amazing body. Clothes flew everywhere as our body temps sky rocketed skin on skin contact flesh pressed against flesh her breasts pushed themselves into mine her nipples were cold at first touch but my kisses warmed them up and felt them harden in my mouth .. her mouth made its way from my stomach to my lower half soon her kisses filled my v-spot with so much pleasure it had to be illegal. My moans filled the air as she kissed me her tongue explored me.

The feel of her rough tongue inside my sensitive area made me shiver in excitement and pleasure before I even knew what she was doing she had taken me fully into her mouth as my body shock with her intense actions all I could do was oh and ah and gasp short deep moans of unbelievable ecstasy her hands pushed my legs back over my head as her mouth went inside deeper it was the most Intimacy that I have ever had and the most strangest as I looked up and saw it all playing out in the wall length mirrors my moans escaped as my body shock , I ran my hands over her back and her breasts as I softly called her name and let her know how much I loved her and how amazing she was how much she was pleasing me..

_oh Mandy ah uh..oh god don't stop_

_pl e..ah..uh..oh there yes_

_that's the..oh..oh..ah..god yes_

_I love you Mandy oh..please baby_

_oh ..god damn..uh.._

My breathing was so fast I couldn't catch my breath as I felt my stomach tighten I called her one last time and felt myself climax and release a explosion of pleasure and pain as she bit me..I gasped laying back down exhausted.

So many feelings were swimming around my head as I looked up and let out a deep breath my joy quickly deflated when I saw her getting up and get dressed...grabbing my shirt I held it in front of me sitting up..confused..

_Where are you..go..in g?[me]_

_Mandy what's wrong?_

She continued to dress not looking at me as she did so I scrambled to get up struggling not to start crying as she turned and looked at me her eyes cold grabbing her bag..

_I can't do this Miley _

_thanks for today but I just can't_

_risk this anymore take care of yourself [Mandy]_

She turned and hurried out as I sat there in confusion I thought she had forgiven me..she kissed me and made me feel so alive how could she just do this to me? Jumping up I hurried to the window and saw her running across the yard she stopped and looked back her eyes came up to the window as I felt the tears slide down my face. Touching the window I called out to her but her eyes went from looking teary to being cold again. Then she took off I know she saw me but she didn't try to stop the tears came harder and faster as I sunk down and gave in curling my knees up to my chin and cried hard.

I was freezing when I finally stopped and looked up it was getting late and I was tired but we had the showcase all I wanted was to curl up in a bed and cry myself into a deep endless sleep. Sighing I pushed myself up and went to go get changed.

**Ella's p o v**

_Aw man I can't believe she fell for it [Payton]_

_Girl u did an amazing job! [Nazi]_

_Fro sure you will win an academy award if u give a _

_Performance like that in your movie [Alicia]_

_Yea that's the plan "Licia [Payton]_

_Man I can't believe .._

The words died on my lips as we opened the door and saw Mandy very distraught breathing heavy as she grabbed things throwing them into a bag her body shaking. I looked at the girls and they looked as scared as I felt we had never thought this would make her upset we thought they would make up and everything would be alright but she seemed more upset now then she had yesterday. I looked to the older girls who looked at me all 3 of us trying to say to each other " you ask her" all 3 of us to chicken to move , Mandy wiped away tears as she picked up a picture of her and miles which seemed to make her cry even more as she smashed it against the bed side table and fell to the floor clutching the frame her tears intensified ...her tears broke my heart I felt like we had caused this Alicia and Becky both stepped forward but stopped looking at us , sighing I went forward..

_Mandy..are you okay? [Nazi]_

_I know it's a stupid question_

_But …_

_Please leave me alone [Mandy]_

_I really need to be alone _

_It's not a good idea sweetie were here to help [Nazi]_

_No offense but what you did is what caused this_

_You should of never had tricked her she has a heart_

_Problem you could of hurt her [Mandy]_

_We know and were sorry we just want you two_

_To be happy [Nazi]_

_Do I look happy? [Mandy]_

_No and it sucks I know you love her_

_And I know whatever happened hurt you [Nazi]_

Nazi moved closer and sat by her slowly wrapping her arm around her it seemed to be what Mandy needed she leaned into her resting her head on Nazi's shoulders her body shaking hard, Nazi looked at us and we went and joined them in a group hug. I felt her body consumed by the tears and it burned me up she shouldn't be so sad and lonely.

While they were hugging her I got up there was someone else who had to be hurting just as bad. I knew where to find her to it was a quick jog when I got there. I felt all my nerves hit me full force she was curled up in a tiny ball under the window crying..I swallowed my throat felt tight what was I suppose to say? She was half naked and it made me see just how serious this was..I knew they were closer and more then just friends but I wasn't expecting this..it was beyond my level of expertise still she was looking so small and heartbroken I wondered if I could help? I debated should I go to her? Should I hold back? She started to rise so I ducked behind the door as she rose her tears slowing down ..I wondered how far her relationship had gone did she compromise herself and what she believed to hold onto her? What part did we have in this? How did I feel about her if she did? Was it really any of my business? I heard her coming and I froze should I run? Should I stay? Her steps came closer..my breathing was getting harder..I took off as the door opened

_Ella? [miles]_

Her voice was small and strained but loud enough I couldn't pretend not to hear. So I turned towards her hoping my eyes didn't betray me.

_What are you doing here? [miles]_

_uh...well.._

_I …_

_Miles I'm sorry we shouldn't of tricked [me]_

_It was wrong and .._

_Yes it was you had me freaked beyond imagination_

_But it was a great acting job and I'll take credit for that _

_So were even..[miles]_

She laughed which surprised me but I went over and wrapped my arms around her and gave her a quick hug she relaxed in my arms and whispered a thank you.

We made quick time walking back I was hoping she wouldn't run into Mandy but she was just leaving as we got back, the girls gave me a look as Mandy stared at Miley who seemed to stiffen up at Mandy's presence. She looked like she wanted to speak but instead she mumbled something about having to pee and ran into the bathroom as Mandy grabbed the rest of her stuff and left.

We didn't have time to speak about it but the feelings of guilt and sadness were there between us as we changed and freshened up my thoughts were scattered as I looked at the bathroom door was she crying? She was taking forever then I heard the water come on and felt foolish she was taking a shower, dang I was way to nervous so I went to lay down. Closing my eyes I tried not to think about what I had just saw was she gay? Were her and Mandy doing what I thought? It's a sin to be gay isn't it? Did this make them sinners? Their catholic though, what would my mom say? If she was around long enough to care or notice that is. Sighing I closed my eyes and felt myself drift off. Dreams were anything but sweet however I dreamed that I was a mouse and I was lost in a corn field during plow season this damn machine was whirling and whizzing aiming for me and I was desperate to find my way to my momma who kept calling me to come home she sounded like miles...I saw her up ahead and I was so happy cause I had beaten it that I stopped to play in the field even though she was yelling at me to come home before the danger came back but I was young and cocky and thought I knew better so I kept dancing to music in my head doing my victory dance then it came back a horrible loud buzzing squawking and I looked up too late just in time to see a giant bird swoop down and aim for me. I crowed in fear of certain death..then out of no where I was pushed down rescued ..looking up in relief I smiled then saw why I was saved ..the bird had momma in its mouth...

I was wakened by miles shaking me calling me softly I shot up shaking she hugged me and told me to relax .I felt sick, I knew the meaning of that dream so I held her closer no one was going to tell me I couldn't see her again. No one..

The buses arrived to take us to the venue I asked to sit by miles and she accepted Selena wouldn't even look at us but Demi glanced back every once in awhile with a sad look on her face. Mandy was talking to Laura and Brooke..way up front as we sat in back. She seemed very tired and rested her head against the seat. I reached up to squeeze her hand as Noah plopped down by us her little voice softly said

_Don't be sad sissy we love you_

_It'll be okay u just gotta believe_

Then she took her hand and squeezed it as well.

**Miles p o v**

The feel of their little hands in mine squeezing mine filled me with relief at least not every single person on this bus hated me, Selena's non glare was worse then a razor slicing through my wrists. Demi just looked so sorry I hated pity worse of all..Mandy well she just ignored me and basically made feel like a slut. Which made me feel used and dirty and sick...

I was so glad to get to the theater where I could keep busy as before any show it was complete pandemonium and everyone was running around yelling orders and freaking out about last minute sets costumes stage directors were going over cues lighting and sound techs were arguing..it felt great to be home! Dancers were warming up and singers were doing vocal exercises actors were rehearsing. We were bust helping to get the kids to the right places and into the right outfits calming nerves a few kids got sick so we were running around getting replacement outfits comforting crying kids. Generally I was exhausted before we even started, Alicia and Ella were so nervous about their speech I thought they would choke to death on words. So I sat with them and went over some relaxing tectonics. Which seemed to help, I saw Ella checking every so often to see if her mom was there but so far she hadn't showed up,I felt a wave of pity wash over me she has worked so hard and accomplished so much this summer and all she wanted was a little support from her parents . It burned me up and made me wonder

Why did some people even have kids? I was also grateful I had such a loving supportive family. I made my way through the crowded backstage where kids were laughing and joking trying to work out any anxiety, I smiled at a bunch of girls as they waved and cheered excited, I was paying so close attention I didn't watch where I was going till I smacked right into something..I groaned catching myself so I wouldn't fall ..something moved and steadied me..

_Sorry miles I wasn't looking_

_I was paying attention to _

_My boys man their so high [Nick]_

_Yea s' kay I know how stoked my girls are to[me]_

I was shocked since I hadn't seen him since that day his parents I heard were pissed at him for cheating on Selena. I wanted to be mad at him after all he had destroyed my one true amazing relationship in my life but at that moment all I cared about was putting on the best damn show we could. His smile was so sincere to that it melted me. Still I was missing Mandy so bad that a part of me wanted to kill him, in mild terms I was very conflicted.

_Miles can we talk after the show? [Nick]_

_Sure..why not I have nothing else going on [me]_

_Gee thanks for taking the time [Nick]_

_You better make it worth it Nickolas [me]_

_I will promise.._

Without warning he leaned over and kissed me full on the mouth..I wanted to fight him but he felt so amazing and I needed to feel that close to someone..so I let him kiss me and I didn't fight back...just as Mandy came around the corner and he pushed me up against the wall pinning me so I couldn't get to her to explain. She didn't give me a chance either just looked through me which killed me it was like she didn't even care. I realized that it didn't matter then if she no longer cared why should I care? So I sunk deeper into his arms and let the kiss become deeper and more passionate.

I felt horrible after but also empty as hell pushing him away I ran from the room he called after me but I didn't answer just went through the hall till I got into the next room. Where my girls were all ready to go on taking a deep breath I called out for a group picture everyone scrambled and got together. Smiling and throwing their arms around each other and me we posed and yelled out things like "Dancers rule! "farts smell nicer then u" anything to get laughter which we did a lot of it. Once that died down I got them together and said a few words about how proud I was and how hard they had to work but how much it paid off. I made sure they knew how much I loved them.

Before we knew it we were being told that we would begin shortly Mac had just come inside and was talking to everyone. My mom had come up to me and whispered for me to change and walk the red carpet and give interviews.

Mac looked stunning in a long emerald dress I'm sure which was mad in Ireland it had spaghetti straps and shimmered golden rays when light hit it, the front criss crossed above her breasts clinging to her in all the right places it was outlined in gorgeous diamonds and amethysts. Her hair was up in a high ponytail curled and lined her gorgeous face perfectly. Her makeup was simple but looked amazing her face was full of life and her eyes shone as she walked to each kid and talked to them. Many wanted hugs and she did just that picking each kid up and getting pics with them. She talked to parents and encouraged them to support their kids in keeping up the arts. She recommend a few for auditions for schools or different roles . I watched her amazed and hoped that I would have half her class and beauty when I grew up..it was hard to remember she was my age cause she presented herself with such passion and maturity. Mom and my aunt Edi helped me to get ready I wore a short red dress that came to a stop below my butt the top was strapless and clung to me in an almost breathtaking way. It had a sliver heart shaped pent belt around the waist. We put my hair up in bun and let a few strands curl down my face mom and my makeup artiest were comparing notes on which style looked better.

_She looks so much more healthier now_

_Then even a few months ago [mom]_

_Gee thanks momma I love u 2 [me]_

_No problem sweetie [mom]_

_Yes she has that glow back_

_She seems to have gotten what she _

_Needed relaxing and sun and fun [Juan] _

I_t did feel good to be able to be a kid again [me]_

_Friggin gorgeous [Juan]_

He spun me around as mom helped me into my shoes and of course she had to take pictures of me and Brandi and Noah with each other separate and with our kids. Brandi had on a gorgeous purple dress that was like a gown and went below her knees it had a one sided strap on her left arm. It was a original designing by one of the most sought after designers of today. She radiated in it and it showed on film. As I walked the carpet and gave interviews I was stopped by fans for pics and autographs. I posed for the paparazzi and did take after take , everyone was calling my name it was the moment every one of these kids dream about and I am living it. The questions run into each other as I answer reporter after stinking reporter, they ranged from

_When is your next album due out?_

_What's with Hannah Montana is it ending?_

_Did you and nick hook up at camp?_

_Is it true you were kissing him?_

_What about these kids are they ready for the spotlight?_

_What's the best experience you got out of this?_

_When is the tour kicking off?_

_Are you quitting Hannah?_

_Are you and Selena back to hating each other?_

_Is it true you stole him from her?_

_Did you sleep with him?_

Finally my press agent pulled me away and we went backstage I was already getting a headache when Nick came up..

_They want us to pose together for a cameo _

_That will run on Disney [nick]_

_Great and I suppose u had to _

_Come get me personally?[me]_

He shrugged but I followed him and went into another room where camera's were set up Selena and Demi were there with Joe and Kevin, Emily, Debby and Cole ,Dylan and Mitchel and Aries. My shoulders slumped as Selena and Demi glared at me once again I was on the spot my head pounded more but I smiled and took the high road. Emily and Mitchel came up and hugged me Aries high five me as I went and sat where the director instructed me ..between Demi and Selena .."fun" not...both kept whispering to each other.."_great the sluts here" Dems look up your man" Ew what is she wearing? She looks fat"she is fat" [laughter] I bet she planned this walk in with nick to rub it in my face whore" I think we should push her into traffic..she's such a bitch.._

After each word they would hit my back or head a few times they kicked my rib or lower back .I gritted my teeth pushing back the tears .I mean I expected this from Selena and honestly I had it coming but Demi? Why? Just because she's her bff? Mandy would never do this neither would I we respect each other's opinions. Even if someone hurt the other we wouldn't expect the other to give the person a hard time if we were friends to. I wanted to scream and yell or push them but I didn't I sucked it down. Emily however wanted to kill them and I had to have Mitchel hold her back. Finally Peter the director was ready..several of the kids came in and took their places Ella and Nazria sat by me and a few others took positions including Danny. Nick went right to him a and slapped hands. Taking a deep breath Peter cued us..I swallowed and started..

_Hi I'm Miley you may know me from my _

_Role on my hit Disney Channel show Hannah Montana_

_but today I am here to talk to you about a different cause_

_I was asked to be apart of this wonderful foundation_

_which was started by close friend Mackenzie _

_it was her dream as a child to keep the dreams of all kids _

_alive _

Selena took over

_As kids I think all of us can tell you how_

_often we dreamed about the day when we could star_

_on our own TV show or recored our own Cd _

_we had that freedom and that encouragement as kids_

_to dream and to chase those dreams_

_not all kids are so lucky some face obstacles that are far greater_

_then we could ever think_

_imagine being a child who wants nothing more then to _

_star in a Broadway musical _

_you train every day and hope and pray and then one day_

_your dream is snatched away with one dreaded word_

_Cancer_

_it may seem like it can't happen but consider this_

Emily took over

_One in every 330 Americans will develop cancer by the age of 20._

_On the average, 12,500 children and _

_adolescents in the U.S. are diagnosed _

_with cancer each year._

_That's _

_On the average, 1 in every 4 elementary school has a child with cancer. _

_The average high school has two students _

_who are a current or former cancer patient. _

_In the U.S., about 46 children and _

_adolescents are diagnosed with cancer every weekday._

_Think about it cause it means that the student next to u_

_across from you could be one of them_

_someone you would never think of_

_and it's not just cancer _

Nazi stepped up

_About one in 4,000 children in the United States will develop_

_mitochondrial disease by the age of 10 years. _

_One thousand to 4,000 children per year in the _

_United Sates are born with a type of mitochondrial disease. _

_What is mito disease? _

She lifted up her skirt to reveal her leg braces which went up to her back and held up her bag of drugs which she has to take daily.

_My name is Nazi I am called diamond_

_I am one of the faces of Mito Disease_

_I dream of being a entertainer and I will be_

_the fliest and baddest but I can't do it without_

_help and I need your help_

_We all need your help [Confetti]_

Confetti started to sing

_What happens when you think you have it_

_all figured out_

_and life gives you a twist more _

_then u think you can handle?_

_One day I was a little girl hanging on the block_

_counting down the days till I could be a women_

_dreaming of being a singer_

_now I'm dreaming of staying alive_

All of us Confetti's voice lead us

_Five hundred twenty-five thousand  
Six hundred minutes,  
Five hundred twenty-five thousand  
Moments so dear.  
Five hundred twenty-five thousand  
Six hundred minutes  
How do you measure, measure a year?_

In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights  
In cups of coffee  
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife.

In five hundred twenty-five thousand  
Six hundred minutes  
How do you measure  
A year in the life? 

_How do u measure a year a life?_

_You can start by picking up that phone and dialing_

_these numbers at the bottom_

_**One **donation can go a long way it can help_

_buy performance space, better equipment, medications_

_plane rides for kids to attend camp_

_food for the campers to eat _

_basic stuff that can help the camp run_

_fundings we are sorely lacking_

_so please whatever you can spare 50 cents_

_a dollar or 20.. _

Mitchel started to talk

_These kids are the most _

_hard working talented _

_determined individuals _

_out here and they deserve to have this opportunity_

Nick and Danny came up

_My names Danny and I have_

_Muscular Dystrophy but I love to dance_

He got up and danced we all applauded

_but everyday that I grow is a miracle_

_because my illness is deteriorating my muscles_

_and surely but slowly I am losing my abilities_

_to dance and I can't do that! I want to dance and grow_

_Ever since I came to camp _

_I have learned so much and _

_gained so much from my days here_

_if I can keep up my training I know I can beat this_

_illness and achieve my dreams with your help we can _

_make the impossible possible _

Nick , Joe and Kevin took over Nick squeezed Danny's shoulder

_Spread the love_

_Raise your voice _

_Don't live in the illusions _

_that by sitting around doing nothing_

_someone else will do something will work_

_be the one take charge_

_No illusion is too high to reach_

_dreams can come true!_

We ended it there and broke up to go to our kids. Mac started to gather up the kids and the counselors and we stood by the stage waiting our turns. She went out to give the speech and mom grabbed me to go get ready for my 1st performance taking a deep breath as the tech hooked me and my backup singers up mom stood by me with my vocal coach Renee came by me and started giving me my warm ups my voice was shaky still clouded with emotions from my fight with Mandy but I needed to concentrate now so I did what she said Renee after all is the best in the business at least that's what my dad always said..before I knew it she had me calmed down and my voice was in tone. Mac was wrapping up her speech and my name was being called. Mom hugged me and whispered she loved me and to just do my best . The lights were blinding but I saw the one person who this was dedicated to sitting in the first row holding little Alana Roberts who is one of our littlest campers she's only 5 and has a plastic anemia she was recovering from a bad infection that left her too weak to participate tonight so Mandy was holding her so she wouldn't feel left out when everyone else was backstage, it was sweet and reminded me of one of the many reason's .I loved her so much and it made losing her so much harder. Taking a deep breath I went up and started a new song I had just written in the last few days..

_I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house  
That don't bother me,  
I can take a few tears now and then  
And just let them out,  
I'm not afraid to cry  
Every once in a while,  
Even though going on with you  
Is gonna still upset me,  
There are days every now and again  
I pretend I'm ok but thats now what gets me._

(CHORUS)

What hurts the most,  
Was bein so close,  
And having so much to say  
And watching you walk away  
And never knowing, what could have been  
I'm not sayin that loving you, is what I was trying to do...

(VERSE 2)

Its hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go,  
But I'm doing it,  
Its hard to force that smile when I see our old friends,  
And I'm alone,  
Still harder, getting up, getting dressed,  
Dealing with this regret,  
But I know if I could do it over,  
I would trade give away all the words that I say,  
In my heart that I've left unspoken.

(CHORUS x 1)

Is what I was trying to do, oh oh oh ohhhh

(CHORUS x 1)

What hurts the most  
Whenever you walk away, yeahhhh  
Oh oh oh ohhhhhhh.... 

I watched for her expression but she was playing with Alana and not even paying attention I felt my breath suck in as I tried to fight the tears back. Bowing I swallowed but started to feel myself choke on the tears as I backed up and hurried past my backup singers who called to me I kept going mom yelled to me but I ran past all of them feeling my breathing getting shaky as I busted into my dressing room collapsing in the bathroom.

Nazrai's p o v

Watching miley control herself up there was a great lesson on how to maintain professionalism even when u felt like crap she held it together amazingly and her voice soared. She bowed and ran off stage and that's when u saw the tears..what she didn't see was Mandy pick up her head after she ran off and the tears running down her face as she brushed back her hair. Ella called to miles but she kept going taking a deep breath we prepared to go on stage.

Lyrics to what hurts the most Rascal Flatts


	30. Chapter 30 They Could Be

**THEY COULD BE**

**MILEY'S P O V**

Slowly my breathing returned to normal and I felt myself calm down just in time to hear Brandi and mom calling me as the knob turned. I silently cussed myself for not locking the door. Feeling their arms wrap around me. I laid my head on mom's shoulder she said not a word just held onto me. Brandi squeezed my arm

_Give her time she's drowning in a world of _

_hurt and anger [Brandi]_

_and I'm not? [me]_

_honey drowning in the flood _

_you caused you can accept that_

_she has to wade through it before she can _

_see the light at the end of the storm [Brandi]_

_Do you think she will? [me]_

_Yea I do just give her time to heal [Brandi]_

_Just remember darling were always here if u need us [mom]_

_Thanks mom I know [me]_

_I guess I have a show to do huh? [me]_

_Yes u do baby girl and since I didn't tell you b4 since u ran off_

_you did an amazing job I'm so proud of you_

_Yea squirt u did alright [Brandi]_

She ruffled my hair as I went to knock her out but she has a good 4 inches on me without the monster boots she currently had on so all I ended up doing was making her laugh and tackle me. Mom rolled her eyes as Brandi hooked her arm through mine.

The main dance number was almost done and the kids were amazing I could hear the audience cheering and clapping as the kids took bows.

The evening went on and the kids shone the numbers kept climbing the donations were pouring in. I could see tears shining in Mac's eyes as she watched from the other side. I was amazed at all the stars who turned up to support this and it brought tears to my eyes maybe just maybe we could end these diseases and keep camp open..

Celebrities like Janet Jordan, Reba McIntyre, P Dudley, Half Dollar, Carrie Understate,Kelly Clark, David Archie ,John Travelogue his wife Kelly Newtons, Lisa Maire Priestley, so many actors from the movies and TV shows and musicians all coming together . I stood by the side of the stage and watched as people came up and gave speeches encouraging donations.

_Pretty awesome huh? Hard to believe were apart_

_of something so grand_ ? [Nick]

_You scared me don't sneak up on me [me]_

_Sorry didn't mean to [Nick]_

_It's just really cool I mean I always wondered what _

_Kind of difference we could really make_

_After all were just kids ourselves and there's_

_So many diseases out there.._

_How can I help stop the pain of all these kids when I can't even cure_

_my own illness? [Nick]_

His arms wrapped around me I would normally protest but when I hear him talk about his illness and look into his eyes and see how sincere he is well something just melts inside of me and watching him watch these kids knowing without a doubt that Mandy hated me..it was what I needed..his arms wrapped lovingly around me. I laid my head back and took him in..he felt great and smelled amazing, his words tickled my ear as he whispered to me my head so far on his shoulder that his check was touching mine soft..familiar warm. We stood intertwined in each other's arms as we watched the group of girls ranging from ages 6 -18 in a dance of dark verse light 38 girls were all in various forms of black with wings doing a dance around a girl dressed in dark purple who was tied up on a steak trying to reach out but was being sucked down by the blackness. While the 46 dancers in white tried to free her and battled the darkness which had descended on stage no light in any form was seen,the orchestra made up entirely of kids from camp played a haunting melody ..which made the dancers put even more passion into it..I saw Mandy watching carefully she was so proud of the girls who she worked long hours with mastering this dance as it came to a close and the light was breaking through the stage now had a eerie glow as the dancers picked up speed and came together dark blending with light some jumped and spun as others slide some went left some right others front it was beautiful and put together very well. Just as dark was playing it's last trick the youngest of the girls Mary Kline who was 6 did a trick of her own and danced close to Amy Lena the girl who was tied up and with a chant sung out

_Críost os mo chionn'sa, (Christ above me )_

_impim [I beg]_

_tu [you]_

_leigheas an [heal the health]_

_de an [of the ]_

foras _[body]_

_romhat__ [in front of you]_

_beir__ an [take the]_

_pian__ [pain]_

_beir an_

_meata__ [sick]_

_leigheas__ an foras_

_féin__ [I ]_

_creid [ believe]_

_Críost liomsa, (Christ with me)  
Críost romham, (Christ before me)  
Agus Críost i mo chroí'se, (and Christ in my heart)  
Críost os mo chionn'sa, (Christ above me)  
Críost fúm, (Christ below me)  
Agus Críost ar mo chroí'se. (and Christ on my heart)  
Agus Críost i mo chroí. (and Christ in my heart) _

Slowly a gust of wind [dancers circling] created a illusion as Amy rose free of ropes and began a solo dance to a soft sweet melody her eyes which had remained closed now opened revealing a brilliant shade of blue, she looked straight into the audience and began to sing..

**Deep in my Bone  
the Goddess is alive  
Deep in my cells and blood  
the Life Force is strong  
Deep in my heart and spirit  
I believe I will heal**

I feel the Goddess at my core  
filling me with faith and health  
Abundant Life Forces of the Universe  
flow in me, and banish all disease

My blood, my bones, my cells and my body  
are healing now, are healing now  
The Goddess force is in me  
and healing me now 

Nick's arms wrapped around me tighter as the dance came to a close and the audience were on their feet. As the girls came off taking a bow we hugged them and they were going crazy .Ella grabbed my hands and we started to dance laughing she was radiant as we spun and she giggled this was her first big production and she did amazing they all did. Mandy passed by me wordlessly as she congratulated the girls who were still giggling and jumping for joy as the next number set up a lot of the girls were racing to change as they were in this number as well. Quickly I helped them to get ready a few were panicking missing shoes or bows or something. I scrambled to find a missing ballet slipper for Julie Chaldean 14 and crashed into something hard groaning as I landed flat on my butt..

_Are you okay?_

I looked up frozen at the voice staring up into Mandy's amazing eyes I couldn't speak..her eyes said it all she checked me over as I blushed and seemed to seeing if I was alright when I nodded she took it as a OK and she left as Julie came up with her slipper. She helped me up I mumbled thanks still shaky

_Can u help me tie my scarf it came lose [Julie]_

_uh..sure..[me]_

She snapped me out of my trance as I went to work on her head scarf Julie was in her 3rd relapse of Acute Lymphoblastic leukemia she had under went a bone marrow transplant two years ago but she relapsed 6 months ago. She was always making people here laugh with her sense of humor and love of life always seeking an adventure and smiling. She grinned at me as she ran towards the stage my heart tugged for her I hoped with everything in me she beat this awful disease and returns next year.

The day kept going the dances went from slow beautiful ballet pieces to fast hip hop dances to Celtic to African..little kids preformed making the crowd gasp and laugh the youngest ones drew tears and ohs. Then Julie , Megan Hackett ,Alicia and Becky preformed a beautiful ballet number with Mandy in the middle .I watched tranquilized the song was being sung by Landon Marks who is a aspiring thespian he is 13 and has the most powerful voice he has Epilepsy. Nick's arms slipped around me as we watched in silence he had helped train Landon at one point I closed my eyes so moved by the song...suddenly I felt him take my hands and start to dance with me I knew he was trying to take my eyes of Mandy ..we moved so well together his hands fit around mine perfectly. Our steps were in sync as he spun me it was nice reminded me of old times when we would dance in our hotel rooms on tour.

**Tish's p o v**

The kids had no idea Denise and I were watching as they danced and snapping pictures I smiled I was glad she was happy for the moment as a mom that's all you really want for your kids health and happiness but I knew it wouldn't last as good as they looked together her heart belonged to Mandy. Nick was a distraction.

Miley's p o v

When they stopped they took a lot of bows the whole place was applauding loudly the girls grinned as Mandy was in the middle taking hands leading them in a group bows and individual bows. Taylor preformed and Nick and his brothers. Selena and Demi did a duet a few sits were acted out more votes came in more donations poured in more speeches . Finally one of the last performance of the night our kids were up ..it was almost the whole camp involved ..kids in red kids in white kids in blue kids in gold...the kids in gold represented the barricade which meant health and the white represented the white cells which you need to fight off infection they were trying to reach the gold as the kids in blue represented infection who were trying to bring down the white who were being over powered so they had to call the red cells in..to join forces but the red cells were weak from being sick..So they were calling out for help...

_Oh don't give in_

_Don't give up!_

_You find hope when you hold on and just believe_

_Life is coming fast it is time for you to decided_

_Stay back _

_Take a leap of faith_

_It's now or Never!_

_Say Yeah!_

_Say this is my time yea_

_This is my right_

_I won't let anyone take this away from me_

_N~o~oh..oh_

_You can try with anything _

_And everything that you want to throw at me_

_But I know who I am what I'm made of_

_Look at me I have what it takes to make it_

_Life is full of twists and turns but we only have one_

_Chance oh yea to make it right_

_This is my chance my right_

_I'm going to make it to the light_

_It's my chance _

_I'm going to use what I have inside _

_My light_

_My right..._

_Who's with me?_

_Stand up and say it _

_Shout it!_

Some kids represented Fear they had on stripes of prison they were being pulled by their friends to run away to freedom but they were scared to leave doctors and medicine a fight started between those two groups it was amazing to watch Ryan one of the prison kids started to sing

_Sometimes I question who am I_

_Can I be more then they tell me I am?_

_Standing here on my own_

_Do I have what it takes inside?_

_When they tell me "son' you'll never be"_

_Stop dreaming_

_Impossible Dreams_

_Face reality...._

_Too late to take back_

_Trapped in a life you didn't get to chose_

_When I hear those voices trapping me_

_I close my eyes and whisper to myself_

_It's time to decided _

_Run or Hide_

_Do I have it inside?_

_Take a look at my life and I see _

_It's all black and white_

_Things are what they say _

_Do your chores _

_Obey thy mom and dad_

_Take this it'll make u stronger_

_Take that it'll fight your Disease_

_Do this do that_

_It's all what they say and I never get a choice_

_I wanna scream where's my voice?_

_Why don't I get a choice?_

_It's my life_

_They tell me trust my parents_

_Look to my teachers_

_Their older _

_But dose age mean wisdom?_

_Who's who to decided?_

_My choice my voice my right_

_What happened?_

_Where's my path?_

_My own dreams_

_Yea I know life is risky_

_Push and run_

_Hide and hope_

_But where should I go?_

_All my friends are screaming_

_Follow me follow me!_

_Left right_

_Where do I go?_

_You can do this _

_I tell myself_

_Follow your heart_

_Where do you see yourself?_

_Ten years from now?_

_Who do you listen to?_

_Do you wanna live in mediocre_

_Everyone telling you_

_What's right who's wrong?_

_Do you wanna have your own dreams?_

_Make your own luck?_

_Say good-bye to the past rules_

_And spice your life up_

_If your heart breaks know _

_Inside you'll be okay_

_Cause it's your choice_

_So look inside and block out their voices_

_And tell yourself_

_I know I am not _

_No I am not! A quitter_

_I may not be first but I will stay and fight_

_For my rights oh_

_Yea, yeah my rights_

Ryan started to grab other kids as he motioned towards the gold and soon other kids started to join in

**Ryan**

_Come on everybody! _

_This way!_

Danny wheeled himself up and started to sing he was dressed in blue and white

_Look inside find what you need_

_The strength is right here inside your heart_

_Hold on tight don't let them tell you_

_That you can't be all you dreamed _

_Everyone wants to have a opinion_

_But it's my life_

_And I get to figure it out_

_I remember what you always told me_

_Mom when I was a little boy_

_We use to sit under the old oak tree_

_And reflect on times gone by_

_You told me stories of old days_

_Glory days!_

_When you were a young Lass_

_And all the dreams you had inside_

_It's hard to remember that _

_You were once as young As me_

_You had so many dreams_

_Of what you wanted to be_

_Every opportunity was before you_

_Dancer you shone so bright_

_When you were on stage the world was _

_Yours to own_

_Came from a Small county in Ireland_

_But you dreamed big dreams_

_You told me you felt it deep inside_

_A calling taking you over_

_Life wasn't yours to decide_

_Dance took over your heart and soul_

_Days spent training for the big day_

_Nights spent sweating so afraid_

_Sold yourself to the industry_

_But no matter where you went you always_

_Kept small County in your heart_

_It's where you learned all about_

_Living loving and dreaming_

_Music came from the heart _

_And you refused to let those dreams die_

_But Winds came and changed those dreams_

_And soon a bouncing bundle filled your days_

_Sweet Laughter filled the night_

_You told me ever since I was that little kid_

_Dream big or don't bother to dream_

_Life is for dreaming living and wishing_

_Fight fight fight_

_Is what you told me when life handed me_

_obstacles to block my path_

_Take it all in stride _

_Saol, Sra, Saire _

_live laugh love_

_and Remember.._

_**Cha d'dhùin doras nach d'fhosgail doras** _

_No door ever closed, but another opened _

_Mom I remember.._

_And I've grown up_

_I reflect on those stories_

_They bring me a smile _

_Now as I fight for my life_

_I remember.._

_Even though I can be a little mean _

_I just want you to know _

_I still need you_

_I love you..._

_I will not be taken down!_

Danny was being pulled down by the blue but trying to fight his way out as Alicia started to sing

_Who will save us_

_God on high _

_Do you hear our song?_

_Are or we singing to hear the echo_

_of Silence _

_Silence can be so loud_

_I dream of a time_

_In another place_

_When we can be free_

_But now the blue seems_

_To be wining and all my dreams_

_Seem to disappear will I live_

_To see another day?_

_Who will help us?_

_Oh lord on high please answer me!_


	31. Chapter 31 They Could Be prt 2

**They could be part 2**

It amazed me how many talented kids we had here I saw Mac watching and I smiled she was so proud.

Then there was Nazria who had been banished from her group of Blue cells for trying to sabotage their mission when she fell in love with one of the white cells Landon she walked along the river as night came into the city and she started to sing about the day when in her mind she can be free of disease and they can be together..

_Life is strange that's what mama use to tell me_

_Now I am starting to see_

_It's not what I thought it was_

_I wanna live like peter pan in never never land_

_Fly free and do whatever I want to do_

_Yea sounds fun to me_

_Tinker bell has it made_

_She's living the life I use to _

_Like _

_When I was a kid it was carefree_

_Nothing seemed to matter_

_Just dreams and lollipops_

_Hopscotch and Magazines_

_Chilling on the blacktop_

_Just me and my girls _

_Boys were farthest from our minds_

_We just wanted a chance to Grow up and be_

_Whatever we wanted to be_

_Doctors Lawyers Rappers_

_Hair Dressers, NBA Players_

_Whatever we chose_

_We just wanted to grow up be in movies _

_My face on magazines that was my dream_

_I want to be sexy and have the boys loving on me_

_The chicks hatin me_

_Free of this disease I want to live_

_To see the day when a cure is more then_

_Just a dream_

_Yea that was my dream _

_As a child of ten_

_Now I'm 13 and things have changed slightly_

_My visions has shifted and allowed room_

_For butterflies over_

_A boy so sweet he makes chocolate jealous_

_One who knows his place in my life_

_Cause I ain't got time to play games_

_I have the swagger and the talent to shine brighter_

_Then the stars in the sky _

_Yea yea betta recognize true star_

_I am what I dream _

_I will be what my dreams_

_Tell me I am destined to be_

_So hear me future boys _

_This is what I want in you_

_Confidence in who you are _

_What you can be_

_Sensitivity, but not wimpy_

_Cocky but not arrogant_

_Fun and reasonable_

_Someone who will like me_

_The same as I like them _

_I'm not ready to use the l.o.v word but _

_I can like you_

_Do u feel the same way bout me?_

_Don't ask me questions _

_About who I will be where is my life heading?_

_I'm 13 the future's not certain_

_But what I have to offer you is _

_A promise that I will be here for you_

_Today and now right here right now_

_I am the girl standing before you_

_Hear me tell you_

_Life is unsure_

_Tragedies come and people go _

_Love isn't forever like fairy tale's_

_I'm not perfect_

_But I'm confident in who I am_

_Thanks to momma_

_I will not have someone else tell me _

_Who I will be_

_Where my life is heading or who I can like_

_I don't care if they tell me he's not the one_

_Who are they to say who my heart falls for?_

_Only I can say what happens in my life and I am_

_The master of this great ship_

_Oceans separate us _

_But memories make us_

_Bo I won't let time and distance be a obstacle _

_If u live across the world_

_But are you the one will u fight for my heart?_

_The way I fight everyday?_

_Tell me tell me huh?_

_One life to live_

_One chance to get it right_

_Are you the one?_

_Do u even know what u want?_

_Look around and tell me where do u see yourself?_

_I know the future is unsure but u can dream_

_If u can think I need a boy who can think fast dream hard_

_Look ahead and try to see can u and I be_

_Forever and for sure?_

_Do u see the time ahead when we don't need to be victims _

_Of circumstances _

_I can see I can see_

_Us as one me dancing across_

_The grammys can u see?_

_Past the struggle and the fight in this_

_Maze we call life?_

_Can you dream with your heart can you _

_Do the work and pick yourself up when u fall?_

_Cause life is hard and it's not for the weak_

_Can you dream with your heart?_

_Can you find the courage to chase your heart_

_To the end of the world_

_I know we can be I see us in my head_

_Yes I know I am young and at 13_

_This may seem foolish _

_But momma always tells me_

_Dream big or why dream at all_

_I can be whatever I want to be_

_if I dream and work hard live your life_

_And never quit_

_If no one ever dared to dream _

_We wouldn't be free _

_We wouldn't have celebrities_

_Movies music modern times_

_We would still be stuck in the past_

_So who are you tell me _

_Who are you to tell me to give up on_

_Anything_

_Life love dreams_

_It's what makes us laugh cry and hope_

_And hope is what keeps my heart beating strong_

_So don't quit!_

_Take those butterflies and fly free_

_Free to dream!_

The night closed in as they started to reach the barricade and ready themselves for an attack of blue cells as the gold helped red and white climb..Ella reached the barricade and a shot rung out she dropped

red tried to reach her but another shot rung out.. the battle raged on as kids stomped it out in all different dance styles..while others sung out ..and dropped .. dawn came and more kids dropped 3 out of 4 got to the barricade ...light broke through and the white and red came together and did a victory dance ...but one kid stopped and looked down on his friends who lay on the ground..as a few of the older girls dressed in white started to sing..

_Did you see them  
Going off to fight?_

Children of the barricade  
Who didn't last the night?

Did you see them  
Lying where they died?  
Someone used to cradle them  
And kiss them when they cried.

Did you see them lying side by side?

Who will wake them?  
__

No one ever will.

No one ever told them  
That a summer day can kill.

They were school kids  
Never held a gun...  
Fighting for a new world  
That would rise up like the sun.

Where's that new world now the fightings done?

Nothing changes.

Nothing ever will.  
Same old story. What's the use of tears?

What's the use of praying if there's nobody who hears?

ALL  
Turning, turning, turning, turning, turning  
Through the years.

Turning, turning, turning through the years  
Minutes into hours and the hours into years.  
Nothing changes. Nothing ever can  
Round about the roundabout and back where you began.  
Round and round and back where you began!

Then Danny began to sing as he got up from his chair and danced around his fallen friend holding up a gold ribbon..

_There's a grief that can't be spoken.  
There's a pain goes on and on.  
Empty chairs at empty tables  
Now my friends are dead and gone._

Here they talked of revolution.  
Here it was they lit the flame.  
Here they sang about `tomorrow'  
And tomorrow never came.

From the table in the corner  
They could see a world reborn  
And they rose with voices ringing  
I can hear them now!  
The very words that they had sung  
Became their last communion  
_On the lonely barricade at dawn._

Oh my friends, my friends forgive me

(The ghosts of those who died on the barricade appear)

That I live and you are gone.  
There's a grief that can't be spoken.  
There's a pain goes on and on.

Phantom faces at the window.  
Phantom shadows on the floor.  
Empty chairs at empty tables  
Where my friends will meet no more.

(The ghosts fade away)

Oh my friends, my friends, don't ask me  
What your sacrifice was for  
Empty chairs at empty tables  
Where my friends will sing no more. 

As they ended the whole room stood and applauded … after a few more numbers Ella was ready for her solo and she was very nervous .I helped her get ready and talked to her about how I use to get that way before I went on and how I would calm myself down and be ready only to remember I never peed so I had to hold it in the whole show she laughed like crazy and relaxed as she grabbed her guitar and went out...

_I remember the day just like yesterday_

_Daddy when you sat me on my knee_

_And told me "baby girl" you have to be brave now_

_I need you to hear what I have to say_

_There's a duty I have been called upon and_

_I need to go I may be gone for a long time_

_I may miss important things to you.._

_But don't think It means I don't love you_

_I was so young daddy I didn't_ _quite_

_Understand what you were telling me_

_You looked me in my eyes and whispered to me_

_I will always be in your heart just close your eyes_

_And listen for me_

_Don't cry baby girl I am a solider and I fight _

_The good fight we are warriors fighting for freedom_

_Which comes with a price_

_Came the day when we bid you a due_

_I refuse to say goodbye_

_chorus_

_I saw you standing in that line of young men and women_

_Fathers and brothers_

_Sons ,sisters, daughters ,cousins _

_Somebody's somebody who all love equally _

_Saluting as one_

_Heading off to another place another time_

_As we waved goodnight and whispered_

_I love you come home safe_

_Verse two_

_Time passed by just like you said it would_

_Birthdays holidays without you here_

_Time didn't make the pain or the fear any less_

_Life went on but with a piece of me missing _

_I grew and slowly I started to understand_

_You were fighting for my right to live in peace_

_Letters and calls came and went in spaces_

_There were times I wished I could pick up the phone and call_

_You to say what happened to me but distance made it hard_

_Yet life went on_

_One day words were said that changed my whole world cause_

_When the doctors told me Ella _

_You have cancer I wanted to cry I wanted to scream_

_Why me!_

_But I remembered what you said to me that day_

_Years ago when I sat on your knee_

_So I silently prayed_

_Lord let me do right by my daddy_

_Let me show bravery in the good fight_

_Just like my daddy does everyday_

_With his calvary_

_And slowly day by day I beat the disease_

_With his words ringing in my ear_

_In time I finally realized_

_We are all warriors fighting _

_For the good guys_

_We all have our battles to wage inside and out_

_Some will win _

_But along the way some might fall_

_And we build a wall in their memories_

_You can see their names_

_Written in stones lining the grassy fields_

_But in our hearts they are more then just names_

_In our minds we can see them as they use to be_

Two big screens showed slides of warriors of cancer and soldiers in all the branches of the military..

_I saw you standing in that line of young men and women_

_Fathers and brothers_

_Sons ,sisters, daughters, cousins _

_Somebody's somebody who all love equally_

_Saluting as one_

_Heading off to another place another time_

_As we waved goodnight and whispered_

_I love you come home safe_

_Safety did not come instead they lay frozen in time_

_Forever young and forever beautiful_

_At the memorial we remember the times we laughed_

_The times we danced _

_Daddy's with their daughters_

_Sisters as one_

_Mothers with their husbands_

_Kids in the beat of life_

_We are all warriors _

_Fighting the good fight!_

_Here's to victory!_

_Here's to life!_

_Here in our memories the _

_Legacy of fallen warriors_

_Live on we continue the fight_

_In your names we miss you _

_We love you we remember you will_

_Never be forgotten_

_Engraved forever_

_In hopes that someday_

_We fight no more_

_Here's to victory !_

_Here's to life!_

There was not a dry eye in the whole place Ella stood up and bowed smiling as she looked towards me I grinned and clapped with everything in me as I went out and hugged her taking her hand we bowed and I pointed out to the audience where my dad was standing with hers he was dressed in full uniform she stared in shock and her mouth hung open as the whole place rose and clapped for him he came up and she ran into his arms he spun her as she laughed I grabbed her guitar.

I couldn't believe the end had come up so soon but it did and I found myself on stage to preform the finale..Nick and I had the leads..

_I just cant believe your gone  
Still waiting for morning to come  
When I see if the sun will rise  
Without you here by my side _

_(_I found myself looking at Mandy who was with

Laura and Brooke doing a little side sway)_  
_

_Oooo where we had so much in store  
Tell me what is it all reaching for  
When were through building memories  
I'll hold yesterday in my heart  
In my heart_

[Chorus]  
They can take tomorrow and the plans we made  
They can take the music that we'll never play  
All the broken dreams  
Take everything  
Just take it away [Mandy]  
But they can never have yesterday [me]  
They can take the future that we'll never know [Selena]  
They can take the places that we said we will go [Demi]  
All the broken dreams  
Take everything  
Just take it away  
But they can never have yesterday [everyone]

You always choose to stay  
I should be thankful for everyday  
Heaven knows what the future holds [Nazi]  
Or least where the story goes [Confetti]  
_I never believed it until now [Alicia]  
I know I'll see you again I'm sure [Ella]  
No it's not selfish to ask for more [Everyone]  
One more night one more day  
One more smile on your face  
But they can't take yesterday_

[Chorus]  
They can take tomorrow and the plans we made [Landon and Danny]  
They take the music that we'll never play [Selena Demi Me]  
All the broken dreams take everything [Mandy, Selena]  
Just take it away  
But they can never have yesterday [Emily ,Mitchel,Aries and kids]  
They can take the future that we'll never know  
They can take the places that we said we will go  
All the broken dreams [everyone]  
Take everything  
Just take it away  
But they can never have yesterday

I thought our days would last forever [TBA]  
But it wasn't our destiny  
'Coz in my mind we had so much time  
But I was so wrong [me]  
No I can believe me I can still find the strength in 

_The moments we made  
I'm looking back on yesterday [Everyone]_

It was magical as we bowed and the audience stood and applauded I saw the numbers had sky rocketed we had raised well over what we needed to. I saw Mac grinning as she came out to give a final speech looking stunning . I will always hold this night in my memory for a long time we all stood side by side holding hands grudges gone as we felt the impact of what we were doing and saw the joy on the kids faces kids who had so much promises in their lives ahead they could be the next Fred , the next Madonna , Julia, Beyonce, any one they wanted to be doctors, lawyers .. politicians, comedians, they would make wonderful parents ..if they could only be promised to live to see their tomorrow.__

lyrics to empty chairs and turning belong to les miserables all other songs by me pls do not steal.


	32. Chapter 32 WithOut You

**Without You**

**Ella**

" _I don't want to leave! [me]_

_Aw Ella baby don't be sad [Miles]_

She hugged me

_I know last nights are always hard_

_But I promise that will keep in touch this year_

_And as soon as I'm in town I will_

_Make sure we hang out_

_You promise? [me]_

_With my heart pinkie swear [miles]_

_Okay you better [me]_

She hugged me as we got ready for bed still high from the performance as always with last nights we were visiting friends from other rooms, Dawn's room was with us..we were exchanging presents as the parents who hadn't gone to whatever hotel they were staying at chatted Miley was helping Katie gather clothes and missing items together,

_So any plans for this year? [Nazi]_

_Yea audition like mad [Alicia]_

_Me to I'm in Jr year so I have to cram for exams_

_And stuff fill out collage applications [Becky]_

_I have a few things lined up I may audition for a few local plays_

_And take plenty of writing classes [Payton]_

_yea I lined up a audition with Rent in La [Nazi]_

_Mandy helped me train this summer _

She whispered Mandy's name in case miles was in ear shot but she was across the room it was so strange still without her.I know miles lies awake every night thinking about her and so does Nazi she thinks of her as a sister, truth was I missed her to I think we all do..but it wasn't our business we got that now.

_We have to promise right here and right now_

_That we make a pact we all have to come back _

_Next summer[me]_

_Yea I can do that I had the best time this summer [Becky]_

_I always have fun but this summer was special [Alicia]_

_I'm in_

We placed our hands on top of each others and sealed it..then we issued challenges of video games and started arguing over who was better at DD R and at guitar hero ..the night slipped by fast and soon. I felt my eye lids grow heavy...miles voice cut through my fogginess as Alicia jumped up and cheered..I cussed she had just beat me. Looking up I saw Dawn and Miles had come up front and were asking us to come closer. So we did Dawn cleared her throat

_We don't want to keep you girls up any longer_

_But we just want to thank you all so much _

_For being such a pleasure to work with all _

_Summer and for being so dedicated _

_It's been our pleasure to have you on be half of everyone_

_Here we learned so much from you..all and we are so inspired_

_We wanted you to know how proud we are_

_So we got a little something for you..[Dawn]_

Yes we were all curious and tried to peak but whatever they had were wrapped my curiosity grew as I was handed a small box beautifully wrapped .. they nodded at us as we all looked up and we took it as a sign so we tore off the wrapping and I held a small box of pale lilac fuzz in my hand so soft I wanted to hold it to my chin but I didn't want to be strange so I carefully opened it..and gasped inside lay a medium sized 24 kart gold charm necklace in the shape of a candle the top where the light should be was a star.. personalized with my name and the message

_To everything there is a season,  
A time for every purpose under the sun.  
A time to be born and a time to die;  
A time to plant and a time to pluck up that which is planted;  
A time to kill and a time to heal ...  
A time to weep and a time to laugh;  
A time to mourn and a time to dance …A time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing;  
A time to lose and a time to seek;  
A time to rend and a time to sew;  
A time to keep silent and a time to speak;  
A time to love and a time to hate;  
A time for war and a time for peace._

_A Season of Love _

_A Season to Remember a reason_

_To love and a Reason to be remembered_

_Summer 2009 No Illusions love Miley and Dawn, Mandy, Katie_

I had tears in my eyes as I read the inscriptions the next charm was a pair of dance shoes..then there was a music note and a pair of angel wings , I slipped it over my neck as I felt the tears slide down as I shakily stood up and went to hug them miles held me tightly I was hoarse as I whispered

_I'll wear this always and treasure this forever_

_I won't forget ever..anything [me]_

_Neither will I babe..[miles]_

I wiped away the tears as I felt a tug on my arm and Payton grinned up at me she had the same necklace but different charms ..she had a journal to symbolize writing and theater masks .. she had jazz shoes since she loves jazz and a ribbon that was gold to show she was a survivor of cancer not a victim she had a music note as well. I glanced over at her message it was the same poem but a different message from miles. I didn't read it since it was private..Nazi was sitting there holding her necklace tears still coming down , I went over and put my hand on her shoulder she flinched just a bit but looked up brushing away her tears trying to put on a brave face but I smiled and she opened her arms we hugged. As we sat there she let me see her necklace was different it was in the shape of dance shoes on pointe which I knew she always struggled with since her legs were weak I knew Mandy had worked hard with her all summer improving her strength she had the same charms as us a guitar a star masks music notes, a candle. I saw Mandy had written a special message to her but again I didn't read it. My dad hugged me good-night and promised to get me tomorrow we had a special road trip planned he was driving me home.

Normally I have trouble sleeping but tonight I was okay cause I knew no matter what happened I would be okay. We all would..

Sunlight steeped through the window and poured inside. I almost could feel the rays reaching out to personally touch me caress my cheeks waking me and daring me to sleep through their magnificence. Stretching I got up and yawned as I pried my eyes open I could see all round me that others were up and already started taking a deep breath my eyes finally fully opened and I saw that Payton was sitting on the sill looking out I saw her lips moving but I didn't hear the words. Then I saw Alicia and Becky throwing a baseball at each other laughing at something , Naziwas getting dressed and miles was on her cell another yawn sent my whole body into stretch mode but got me up swinging my legs over the bed until I stood and stretched again dang my body sure was tired. I moved closer till I heard what Payton was singing …

_Don't save it all for Christmas Day  
Find a way  
To give a little love everyday  
Don't save it all for Christmas Day  
Find your way  
Cause holidays have come and gone  
But love lives on  
If you give on  
Love... _

I laughed typical Payton always about that holiday

_Dang aren't you going to be sick of xmas b4 it comes? [me]_

_No man u can never be sick of Christmas it's so magical [Payton]_

_Oh man I am going to miss you [me]_

I went over and hugged her she laughed and hugged me back

_No need to miss me I promise_

_I'll call you every day and wake u with my singing [Payton]_

_oh no! [Me]_

_We can write n e-mail will keep in touch_

_And before you know it summer will be here again! [Payton]_

_Yes I can't wait already![me]_

Payton was wearing a Santa hat as she sang and watched the sun beating down I had to laugh, she got me in such good spirits which I needed since I hated leaving.

After a quick shower and change I was ready it was already after 11 am and most parents arrive at 12 to head home.

Miles and I shared a hug good-bye she shed a few tears but I brushed them away

_Don't cry for me will see each other again soon_

_Besides you have so much to look forward to_

_You have season 4 and a tour_

_Which u are going to rock!_

_And so many things coming up [me]_

_Sorry I know stupid to be sad but I am going to miss_

_you..[miles]_

_Like Payton said we have email and cells_

_And stuff to keep in touch will be fine [me]_

_I love you miles thanks for being so awesome this summer_

_Thank you for being you..[miles]_

She squeezed me tight and turned away quickly and ran down the steps as my friends surrounded me and I started with my good-byes.

_Ready Ella? [dad]_

_Yea let's go..[me]_

My dad took my hand and we went down the steps he grabbed my stuff and loaded up the car I tried looking for miles but she wasn't around, I was worried about her.

**Miles p o v**

_Are you ready bud? [dad]_

_Yea sure.._

I felt him come up and squeeze my shoulders as I wiped away my tears which were running down my cheeks. Brandi was already in the car after making sure all of her and Lacy's kids were settled her and Lace had exchanged information and were planning to meet up through out the year. Noah was saying good-bye to her new friends, they were having a hard time leaving me I was more then ready, my chest was hurting from all the tears I was keeping inside I thought about how different it was now then when I arrived 12 weeks ago, Mandy and I had been holding hands we had been sneaking kisses and sharing jokes now.. she wouldn't even look at me. She had already left but I only knew it cause Dawn told me she was giving Laura and Brooke a ride home so she had stopped by to get them. My dad's touch made me feel her loss all over again she should be giving me a ride but instead I was hitching one from my parents. I began to realize she may never forgive me and that hurt worse of all.

_Bud you have to give her time _

_She will come around [Dad]_

_How do you know? [me]_

_Cause she loves you heck who couldn't_

_You are adorable and the sweetest thing since_

_Individually wrapped choc bars [dad]_

_Thanks dad but you can't make this _

_Go away by cracking jokes_

_I did something real stupid and I lost her [me]_

_Yea I know darlin' but I can sure try [dad]_

_Come on the rest of the family is waiting_

He took my hand and helped me up once I was up he embraced me and I laid against his chest his strong hands rubbed my back and made me feel safe and loved closing my eyes. I breathed in his scent and felt myself relaxed suddenly I was very tired and felt myself drifting off before I could protest he picked me up and carried me to the car.

**Ella's p o v**

Dad took me through the different states in every state we stopped and saw different attractions in Nevada we navigated a kayak on the Truckee River through downtown Reno, at night he took me out on the town to the best restaurant we danced and had a blast walked through downtown which is amazing so flashy and so bright! In Utah we went to Zion national park and hiked all day it was so big so amazing I had never seen a park like this there were so many canyons and so many waterfalls we threw our shoes off and waded in the pools splashing each other laughing , at night we drove I slept until he woke me saying we were in Wyoming where we saw a rodeo then went to dinner, in Nebraska we went to a few museums .The National Museum of Roller Skating and the Nebraska Jewish Historical Society, Omaha Children's Museum, then we went to dinner again. In Iowa we saw the Amana Colonies and went to downtown Des Moines then in Illinois we went to Amish country and downtown we took in a cubs game and went to a blues club for dinner, next we went to Indiana we went to a Renaissance faire and in Ohio we went to another park and sampled different places to eat. The whole trip took a week I didn't want it to end but it did by Saturday we were back in Washington DC where we went to The World War II Memorial. Dad wanted me to see all the men and women who sacrificed for my freedom. We met up with my brothers there who ate up dad's attention we went for a walk in our local park and had a picnic under a huge tree we played Frisbee and baseball until the sun went down. When we got home it was late mom was still at the office however so we decided to stay up and play games my brothers Eddie who's 12 and Ethan who's 10 took great pleasure in trying to beat me in guitar hero which they use to all the time but now I had Miles great training to kick their little butts in with and it worked. Dad high fived me as I laughed, Mom came home at 11:30 and we headed to shower and to bed.

As I lay in bed hearing mom and dad half talk half yell I felt my phone vibrate and saw miles was calling me.

_Hey baby how was the trip?[miles]_

_Great thanks [me]_

_You adjusting to life after camp? [me]_

_Oh yea catching up with friends preparing _

_For my tour ya know u ready for school?_

_Uh no! So not I can't believe it starts so soon! [me]_

_Yea I know I feel the same about my tour [miley]_

She sighed sounding so sad I wanted to run over and give her a hug, but of course I couldn't

_When do u come to dc? [me]_

_Not sure I'll find out and let u know_

_Better let u go have fun in school and remember to study [miles]_

_Okay yea I'll try ha ha have fun on tour don't work to hard [me]_

_Yea okay I'll try to [miles]_

I laughed as I put the phone away I couldn't believe school started on Monday already ugh..

**miles p o v**

So yea I felt like crap that I had to lie to her but I couldn't tell her that I had done nothing since I had gotten home expect lay in bed crying my eyes out, watching videos of Mandy and I and looking at pictures .I tried calling her tons of times but she never answered never called back .I left like 50 voice messages and texted her. Every time she didn't answer or call I cried harder. Mom kept trying to call me to come down and but all I wanted was to sleep and cry I wanted Mandy!

My back hurt and my chest felt like it was on fire! The pain was getting so intense I felt like screaming I needed Mandy so bad I knew she could make me feel better but I knew it was my fault..depression cut like a knife it seemed to eat away at me and rip me through my head was pounding and I didn't care about anyone or anything..no one seemed to understand at all Brandi was yelling at me to get up and go out do something anything shopping ,skating go for a drive she just wanted me out and yea it was sweet but she didn't get it..Mandy was the one who I always did things with..Mandy always picked me up..Mandy was my main shopping partner she would make me try on every outfit like a trillion times so she could get a view from every angel her eyes scanning over me mouth watering as she made fun of the ones that made me look like some innocent school girl or some punk chick..Mandy was the one I trusted for the most honest opinion...Trace was angry he wanted to hurt her for hurting me but he didn't get it she was reacting to the pain I had caused..he kept yelling that if she loved me she would understand that I had made a mistake that I was young and did stupid things ..thanks Trace..he didn't get it at all I wasn't depressed that she wouldn't talk to me it was cause I had caused her so much pain that she hated me so much that she didn't want anything to do with me..I made her hate me ..Then there were my parents who were fighting like crazy Dad thought I was being too dramatic and looking for attention just trying to get Mandy back..Mom wanted me to see a physiologist she thought I was clinically depressed. It was a source of many fights Noah was scared she was running to me constantly crying cause mom and dad were fighting and she didn't want them to divorce then she would beg me to play with her and I would get mad and yell at her until she busted into tears and ran which would cause more drama with my parents my mom yelling at me and me yelling at her to leave me alone which ended always in tears for both of us. Ella was the one who seemed to draw me out of my shell for a little while but I always ended up thinking of Mandy which made me cry more and the depression re started. Mom was worried I wasn't eating and that my sugar would drop I gave up caring. I know she wanted to call Mandy but I yelled and screamed that I would leave if she dared I didn't want her to come out of pity, I wanted her to come because she wanted to cause she loved me...not cause my mommy called.

In all honesty I can't tell you how many days passed..I lay in bed sleep listening to music Blink n Miss , Jamestown History and a few more were my favorites. My depression grew as my tears seemed to have a never ending supply of fresh tears. At some point I vaguely rememberer my mom coming over and yelling about tour rehearsal .I didn't care..then all of a sudden she charged into my room and pulled the covers off of me and grabbed my feet I started screaming at her as she shoved me into the bathroom, I tried fighting her off but she hit me over my head as she grabbed at my clothes and tore them off shoving me into the shower as I tried to fight her off, before I knew it Brandi was by her side helping to hold me as I screamed . The sudden blast of cold water hitting my warm skin made me freeze and shiver but it caused me to stop fighting. Wrapping my arms around myself I curled up in the corner I felt the tears forming again as my body shock I heard them talking but I didn't her the words..at some point I felt Mom wrap her arms around me and pull me into a tight hug she didn't care that she was getting soaked. She just wanted me to be okay. I felt her lips kissing my head as she rocked me and I cried.

She held me for over an hour until I was able to finally stop crying...she didn't try to offer any advice she just told me she loved me and she was here if I and when I needed her. She helped me fix myself up and gave me time to get ready.

I stood in front of the mirror and really looked at myself I was pale very pale goth looking my eyes were set deep Grey looking red rimmed and blood shot , I had lost weight at least 6 lbs my ribs were sticking out..I looked bad and felt worse... my nose was red from crying so hard that I was blowing it as it ran..Sighing I looked at my makeup it would take awhile to look decent..

_You look like death warmed over kid [Ashlee]_

_Yea but I look worse on a good day [Toni]_

I looked up to see my backup dancers Jenn, Ashlee and Toni standing there and felt myself blush

_Aw don't fret child will_

_Have u fixed up in no time [Jenn]_

_Leave it to your girls..[Ashlee]_

_Thanks [I whispered]_

_No sweat girl what are friends for [Jenn]_

_Now sit down and let auntie Jenn fix ya up right.._

I was so lucky to be surrounded by so many amazing friends Jenn went to work on my hair as Toni pumped up some music and Ashlee started on my makeup and on cracking jokes..still as easy as it was to get caught up in them I wondered how Mandy was..I missed her..

**Mandy's p o v**

" _Are you going to stay home one night this week? [Nicole]_

_Sorry hun I know I haven't been here much_

_I promise I will how about tonight I have time after_

_class [me]_

Nicole Webster my roommate of 4 years sighed as she sat at our table and ate her cereal looking at me as if it decide as to believe me or not, I knew I hadn't been there for her like I should have been and I did feel bad but I just had a hard time being in this apartment everywhere I went I saw her heard her felt her remembered her...miley.. and it hurt like hell so I avoided going home. I went to the studio in the daytime and the girls were a huge help making me smile and laugh holding me when I needed to cry or scream..at night I would go to the dance studio and dance for hours then I would grab friends and hit the clubs..Nicole's a model and works long hours she often goes away for weeks at at time so we try to spend as much time together as we can when she's here...but since camp I haven't been much of a friend. I knew she left in another week to so I wanted to chill with her but I knew she would start to badger me with questions and didn't feel like it. I wanted to forget, I felt her eyes on me even with my back turned swallowing I looked at her

_Can you stop staring at me!_

_Seriously I'm okay [me]_

_Your not acting like it! [Nicole]_

_Will you chill I'm going to be fine_

_I just need to deal with this in my own time_

_I wish everyone would stop acting like I should break_

_Down I'm dealing! [me]_

_I didn't say anything [Nicole]_

_Sorry I just ..[ I sighed]_

Without any words she came over and hugged me I sunk into her arms.

As soon as I walked into the room at the studio. I was blinded by the girls who had a party going on music was blaring and they were getting each other with silly strings..I screamed as Laura grabbed me and Doma blasted me with pink string screaming no didn't help..it only made it worse cause Noreen blasted me with blue and green. Laura was holding me so tight no mater how much I kicked and screamed they wouldn't let me go they kept tickling me and making me laugh. After 20 minutes of laughing so hard I almost wet myself I leaned back exhausted Brooke was making a face at me as I yelled out stop grabbing my stomach from laughing so hard.

The session went great we laid down some amazing tracks and for awhile I manged to forget why I was so sad.

Agreeing to meet the girls for dinner, I went to check on Nazi's audition today for Rent. Driving to the audition I blasted flo rider and leaned back. Traffic as usual was hell and backed up for miles, as I sat in traffic I felt the sadness taking over me again..if she was with me she would be cracking jokes and switching songs like crazy at one point when radio head came on. I found myself looking over to the passengers seat whenever her fav band came on she would cheer and turn it up loud, then of course I remembered she wasn't there..

**Nazi's**

_Oh I can't believe Mrs. Bumble gave us this much homework_

_Our first week I have so much to work on with my strengthening [me] _

_So what time do u have to go to the audition? [Nessi]_

Sighing I slammed my locker as my best friend from home Vanessa aka "Nessi" Jackson grabbed her hand held mirror and checked her hair out rolling my eyes I shock my head as I grabbed our books there had to be about 20 or so between the two of us..

_A little help here..[me]_

_What u said u wanted 2 work on your strengthening [Nessi]_

_Not that kind of strengthening [me]_

She wasn't hearing me however cause she was already down the hall checking out her face in the mirror and all the cute boys in the hall.

_So yea what time do u go?_

_I have to take the sub at four _

_the audition at six [me]_

_So what time will u be back? [Nessi]_

_Don't know why?[me]_

_Cause we have to be at Cindy's by 7_

_She's having a party to mourn going back to school_

_And I heard that a certain boy will be there [Nessi]_

_Well does that certain boy have a name such as Bryan_

_McKnight [me] _

_Well he may...[Nessi]_

_You have to be back by then! [Nessi]_

I swear she should go out for acting she's a total drama queen like right now she had stopped us in the middle of the hall and grabbed my over loaded arms to make a point as she practically begged me to be home on time.

_Nessi I'll try but by the time I get there and then_

_have to go through the whole audition process_

_I'll be lucky to get out before midnight [me]_

_But that's too late [Nessi]_

_The party will be over by then! [Nessi]_

_Sorry but I have to do this..[me]_

_Why today why can't you wait till the next time! [Nessi]_

_Cause Mandy helped me get this I can't let her down and besides_

_I've been working hard at this I want this![me]_

_And I want Bryan you know I've been trying to get with him_

_since 1__st__ grade! [Nessi]_

_I wasn't even thinking about boys then [me]_

_Yea well that's the difference between us hon_

_Some of us mature faster the others which is why some of us _

_Have had boyfriends and well some of us..well [Nessi]_

_Have been to busy working on our craft [me]_

_Well your craft is starting to cramp my style [Nessi]_

_What are you saying? [me]_

_I'm saying you need to think about what's more important _

_Me or this hobby [Nessi]_

_It's not a hobby it's what I love!_

_And I love Bryan! [Nessi]_

_You don't even know him [me]_

_But I could if I get the chance! [Nessi]_

_So meet him tonight why do u need me?[me]_

_Cause were sisters! That's what sisters do![Nessi]_

_No sisters support each other and _

_Right now sista u are sucking at it [me]_

_Well excuse me for living [Nessi]_

_And excuse me for dreaming [me]_

_dingggg!!!!!!!_

The sound of the bell interrupted us she glared at me as I threw her books at her she gasped trying to grab the books which fell I spun as she tried to scoop them up. I was fuming as I slide in my seat slamming down my books.

_Hey babe what's wrong?_

I spun in my seat to see Sam McNamara grinning at me his smile almost made me forget and almost made me melt but I was still too pissed to totally let it go but he helped Sam has the deepest chocolate eyes and the sexiest smile , he's a drummer in the band and runs track and field, he's also one of the smartest kids in all of Franklin Roseland Jr high

_People are lame that's whats wrong Sam [me]_

_Yea I know da feeling girl people can be real lame_

_Cheer up thou u got me as company [Sam]_

_Oh aren't u Mr. Confident [me]_

_Yea well Mama always told me I was special [Sam]_

_Somebody needs to smack your mama and tell her 2 get her head_

_Examined [me]_

_Whoa I'm hurt [Sam]_

He faked a heart attack but looked up from his death bed aka his desk and winked

_I have every confidence you'll survive to tell another tail[me]_

The second bell rung as our teacher came in just as Nessi strolled in giggling as she attached herself to Kyle Lambert another popular kid expect he had no good traits unlike Sam. Not that it mattered to her she was happy as long as he was cute and popular. Mr. Dexter gave her a look and she giggled flirting he glared and without words told her take your seat or say after she glared at me as if it was my fault.

As if it wasn't childish enough her and Jackie sat in class and whispered about me the entire time you know when someone is doing it when you can feel their eyes burning through you even without looking up. I was busy trying to get these notes down which distracted me from asking myself when the hell did she start to hang with Jackie Webster? She was the biggest gossip queen in school and she loved to make people miserable last year she had selected us as her main targets and Nessi hated it..she hated her ...how could all that change in 12 weeks? Thankfully I couldn't dwell on it..I was busy trying to copy cities dates wars you name it..by the time the bell rang I was sweating and ready to gulp down a huge bottle of water. Of course things never turn out that way as I was searching the cafe for a seat since it was obvious. I wasn't sitting with my so called best friend..I didn't see the giant foot sticking out and completely tripped over it sending my tray flying and me sprawling.. as laughter rung out and I felt the cold hard sharp pain of my face hitting the cold tile...worse I felt the sting of my ankle snapping as fire rushed through my whole leg..the laughter grew louder..my face hotter..tears stung my eyes but I pushed them back as fear rose in my chest..I heard her voice laughing the loudest as she yelled something like clumsy fool or loser..wasn't real sure all I knew for sure was the pain was intense through out my whole leg.

_What's going on here? [Mrs. Hinkle]_

N_othing ma'am it's just Nazi being _

_A drama queen as normal [Nessi]_

_Well get up we will not have that kind of_

_Disturbance in my school! U want extra attention_

_Young lady? [Mrs .Hinkle]_

Yes teachers here are this dumb as to believe I would do this to myself..oh yea there's the bit that she's hated me since 2and grade when I beat her precious daughter out of the school play. She also has it out for me because I refuse to let my illness separate me she wanted me in special ed and I said hell no mama and I refused it I may have issues with my health but I do not need any special treatment and I have nothing against those kids cause their some of the funniest sweetest talented kids you can meet and smart in many things they just need extra attention, I don't I can balance everything and I want to be in a normal class..I need to be cause I attend a special dance class in the city that I need to maintain a b+ or higher in normal education in order to stay in and preforming is my life my sanity. She swore I would never be able to do it every year she rides mama and I trying to get me to quit and I refuse. Mama and her have got into it many a times..mama even got a whole bunch of parents to protest outside school one day to get her fired didn't work but it railed things up she has people watching her now all the time and she hates it..funny part her daughter Lauren is so sweet and even congratulated me on getting the part and told me I did amazing after, now she's more into softball and doesn't even take part in the plays but her mom holds it against me and blames me for her being a tomboy.

As I got up I could see the smirk she was exchanging with My former friend as I brushed myself off and stood up looking both in the eyes Mrs. Hinkle seemed to dare me to speak. I just stared her straight into the eyes and picked my head up spun on my good heel and gracefully walked out as I went past her I took a gulp of pasta sauce off my face and accidentally dropped it on her new jimmy chew heels she shrieked as I grinned inside grabbing my stuff from my locker, I decided to walk home even though the pain was killing me I had to go to my audition and that meant beating mama who would never let me go if I was hurt never mind the hell she raise here when it came out. The air was crisp and cool as I hurried from the school anger fueling my every step so much so I barely felt the pain cars honked and music blasted as I quickly left the school grounds and scurried cross the busy streets of St. George and Rowena , I wanted to punch her so bad but I knew I had to keep my cool and it was so hard...the streets were so busy for 12 pm mothers out pushing babies little kids playing on side walks as parents chatted couples walking hand in hand coming out of corner bakery's a elementary school was having recess kids played in a basketball court games of b-balling and double dutch and hop- scotch went on as .I went down crossing street after street till I finally got out of the main section and waited for a bus to take me to where I lived. Thankfully the weather wasn't too bad it was still warm for September the sun was shining and only a slight wind chilled the air all around me the sounds of the city filled my ears kids were laughing and talking babies crying people on cells talking dogs barked but I felt numb it was like I was going through the emotions doing what I had to but it was like I was someone else I was grateful when the bus pulled up and quickly hurried to the back snapping in my i-pod as. I sunk into the seat the pain was slicing through my whole leg and reaching my hip. By the time we got to my stop I could feel the fever creeping up and the pain had taken over the whole left side I was hardly able to limp upstairs to my apartment. Mrs. Bradley who owns the beauty shop we live above was busy curling Mrs. Nickels hair so I was able to sneak above the shop by the winding metal steps which did wonders for my leg [yes I love sarcasm mama hates it]

Finally I made it upstairs though and inside it was already almost 2 and I had to leave soon in order to make it on time. Limping to my room I quickly yanked off my jacket and pants already the swelling was outrageous from my ankle to my hip grabbing ice and my meds. I quickly swallowed them and placed the ice on my leg ..this is what happens with me whenever I injured myself it's a 100 x worse with me cause of my illness in short Everyone has cells in their body called mitochondria but in my body those cells are damaged or don't function properly when that happens they can't produce the energy my body needs to function therefore causing muscular weakness and a host of many other problems my main ones are Muscles: weakness, low tone, cramping, pain which means I injure myself easier so even a fall like the one I took today which for most people would cause a sprain or some tenderness well for me my muscles tear and break apart from being so weak and swell up my leg fills with fluid and I have to go straight to the ER to get treatment and relive the fluid also I'm suppose to stay off of it. Well that wasn't going to happen I was going to that audition! Struggling to get in the shower I hopped on my right leg to get to the bathroom , even this was making me so tired I felt like I was going to collapse. Still I carried on I wanted to go to this audition I needed it and I owed it to Mandy. The water was amazing it soothed my pain even just a little, and made me feel refreshed.

I had to hurry to get the bus into the city from where I live in Sliver Lake to where the Audition was being held in La , settled on the bus I closed my eyes and put on The Rent soundtrack which calmed me as I got into the musical I felt Mimi's pain as she sung.

It took over an hour and a half to get there but soon I was standing in front of the Kodak theater where it was being held, I was use to this place my dad had a apartment right above it, I grew up here and I always dreamed about preforming inside of it. I knew I would and now I was getting the chance. Taking a deep breath I headed inside

_Nerve wrecking it huh? [boy]_

_Yea a bit...[me] _

_I know I feel it to what's your name sweetie? [boy]_

_I'm Nazi _

_That's different..[boy]_

_Yea it's short for Nazria_

_What's that mean?_

_It's Spanish for dedicated to god_

_What's yours? [me]_

_Ted who u auditioning for? _

_Mimi you?[me]_

_Marc [Ted]_

_Oh looks like were about to start good luck [me]_

_Yea u 2 break a leg..[Ted]_

_Think I already did [ I muttered]_

_Huh? [ted]_

_Sorry working on lines_

_oh okay know the drill [Ted]_

Heading inside the nerves were on full alert and well the pain..won't go there. It was packed however looks like everyone had come out for the audition today kids were rehearsing all over the place dancing in little groups or solo some were doing vocal warm ups or working on lines. I saw Mandy who was helping with the choreographing on this on stage dancing she looked well amazing tall and graceful her lean body gleamed from hours of working out she owned the stage, slowly the director called everyone to sit down I saw her glide over to him along with a few others, our eyes caught as I sat trying to suck in the pain and breath it out so she wouldn't see it didn't dawn on me till just now but she would be able to guess. She was already giving me a funny look but I smiled she didn't seem to believe me but he started leaving her no room to continue.

_Hello I want to thank everyone for coming out here _

_Today first off I am Jackson Alan_

_And if you didn't know I am the director_

_On my left is the amazing Miss. Mandy J who u may recognize_

_from the miley and Mandy show on you tube_

_She's been dancing since she was 3 and will be helping with chore_

_Next to her is Anthony Rap who is the original Marc on Broadway_

_So boys do your best to impress_

_on my right is Julia McKay she's our musical director_

_And has been in theater since she was 3 _

_her right is __Rosario__ Dawes who portrayed Mimi in the_

_Movie_

_So girls make it pop Mimi's hot__ [Rosario]_

She laughed smiling as she looked around my nerves just went from scattered to full blown panic as I tried to remember the basic act of breathing and swallowing.

_I can see there's a lot who turned out today and I am very pleased_

_Rent is an amazing musical and anyone who gets chosen_

_Will have a great training ground consider yourself very lucky_

_On that note we only have limited parts and not all of u will _

_Be able to get one so do your best_

_For the parents out here who have no clue as to what this is all about_

_let me enlighten you [Jackson]_

_**Rent**__ is a __rock musical__ with music and lyrics by __Jonathan Larson__[1]__ based on __Giacomo Puccini__'s __opera__La bohème__. It tells the story of a group of impoverished young artists and musicians struggling to survive and create in New York's __Lower East Side__ in the thriving days of __Bohemian__Alphabet City__, under the shadow of __AIDS__. _

_Now our version has been scaled down a bit so it's more_

_appropriate for younger kids_

_But we haven't lost what makes Rent special_

_So lets get started_

_First up Marc's.._

Silently I went over in my head all the lines as I stretched and psyched myself up my leg was burning but I took quick deep breaths and thought about how to use this pain in my performance..

_You have great muscle tone_

_I can tell you practice a lot _

I was beyond shocked when I saw Rosario come up behind me placing her hand on my back as if to say straighten up..my heart was racing as she watched me warm up her eyes took in everything without her saying Anything else..when I was done and heard my parts being called I straightened up let out a deep breath and went out almost missing the soft...

_Good-luck_

I watched as 20 girls all went before me each doing their own version one girl did take me out tonight as she crawled on the table and did a series of dance moves across..one did the same song but swung from a railing as she landed on the table and slide reaching up ..I swallowed that's something I would of done had I not been hurt today now there's no way .I could do it..another girl did without you as she did ballet didn't fit I thought one started on the top of the stairs and started with take me out and ended with without you she was elegant but powerful real threat I saw it already..my head began to get dizzy from all the thoughts..

_Block them out go to a special place_

_And concentrate on being there and only there_

_Think of someone special_

_Thanks Rosario [me]_

I did what she suggested and I felt myself calming down so by the time I got out there I felt so much better..

soon I was on the table and even though the pain hadn't subsided. I wasn't thinking about it as I looked around as if remembering things and started doing the sang I caught Mandy's eyes she seemed lost looking at the door I bet she was hoping miles would come through her eyes looked so sad it inspired me and gave me what I needed to do this with as much emotion as I could …

_Without you, the ground thaws  
the rain falls  
the grass grows_

Without you, the seeds root  
the flowers bloom  
the children play

The stars gleam  
the poets dream  
the eagles fly  
without you

The Earth turns  
the sun burns  
but I die, without you

Without you, the breeze warms  
the girl smiles  
the cloud moves

Without you, the tides change  
the boys run  
the oceans crash

The crowds roar  
the days soar  
the babies cry  
without you

The moon glows  
the river flows  
but I die without you

The world revives  
colors renew  
but I know blue  
only blue  
lonely blue  
willingly blue  
Without you

Without you, the hand gropes  
the ear hears  
the pulse beats

Without you, the eyes gaze  
the legs walk  
the lungs breathe

The mind churns  
the heart yearns  
the tears dry without you

Life goes on  
but I'm gone  
'cause I die, without you  
without you  
without you  
without you..... 

When I finished I took a deep breath and bowed I didn't do any fancy moves I just used the pain Mimi felt and projected it out, Mandy's eyes were full of tears as she watched but she didn't shed them. I wished I could take away her pain...

A/N rent is owned by Johnathan Larson all lyrics are property of him.


	33. Chapter 33 With Hope

**WITH HOPE**

**Nazria p o v**

After the audition I watched for Mandy but she had disappeared sighing I went outside to go up to my dad's apartment. The climb was taxing on my already sore leg and hip and exhausting had set in as I went up I called mama to let her know how things had gone it rang and rang..no one at home answered so I tried her cell..still no answer..finally I got a hold of my older brother Elon which in African means spirit

_El what's going on where's mom?[me]_

_She got called in and had to fly out again_

_Great where's you at?[me]_

_I'm staying at Darren's crib man_

_Dion's at Matt's _

_Where u at? [Elon]_

_Dad's [me]_

_Oh yea how did that audition go?_

_Good I think I did well [me]_

_okay well were going into the movie's_

_So my phone will be off have a good night_

_Sis _

_Thanks I will so tired..[me]_

I went up the last steps as I hung up and knocked on his door.. no answer but I figured he may be in back working on his music which means he prob didn't hear me. So I sank down and waited he would hear the knocking closing my eyes I leaned back against the wall.

**Mandy**

My head was pounding as I changed all I could think about was Miles and how much I missed her. I kept remembering all the places we went to all the secrets we shared how excited I was when I found out I would be helping on this project how we sat around and studied the play intently went over the music and dance moves . She had promised to be here for me to watch me support me..I kept hoping but she never showed why would she though? I told her over and over to get out of my life..she seemed to have listened.

_Manderz u okay? [Ashlee]_

I had sunk down against the locker rubbing my head trying to fight off the tears which were threating all evening

_Yea..perfect [me]_

She gave me her hand and helped me up without saying anything else she pulled me into a tight hug and held me..the tears kept hitting me but I refused to let them out even though a few gasps and chocking sobs escaped. Her hands gently rubbed my back over and over Ashlee knew how much Miles means to me she's danced for her since the beginning.

_She'll come around babe she's 16 _

_She needs to work through this but she's your _

_Bestie don't give up on her_

_As long as you keep hoping_

_You can keep breathing and keep believing [Ashlee]_

_I'll try to talk to her on tour okay?_

_Yea thanks hon [Me]_

She swiped her fingers over my face as I swallowed

_Come on lets grab a shower and change_

_Wanna hit the clubs with me? [Ashlee]_

_Yea sounds good I could use a chance to escape_

_Thanks [me]_

_Sure no problem_

After a good 15 minute shower I finally felt better and was ready to get out, Ash was very patient and waited for me without saying anything just played on her cell as I got ready.

_So which club should we hit first? [me]_

_Doesn't matter_ _ lets go to viper at some point_

_My friends playing there later [Ashlee]_

_Okay sounds good_

_Want something for that headache? _

_Yea that would be great [me]_

The night air chilled me as we exited into the dark it felt good refreshing..we started chatting about the cute boys we saw there last time and laughing at memories of our friend Sandy who had done everything to get this boy to notice her.

_Mandy! [Nazi]_

_Huh?[ me]_

I spun startled to see Nazi's tiny figure limping to me

_Honey what's wrong why are you still here?_

_I'm sorry I don't know where else to go [Nazi]_

_Why what's wrong? [me]_

_I was suppose to stay with my dad but the neighbor_

_Just told me him and his girl left yesterday for Vegas_

_And mom's flying tonight so I'm locked out of everywhere_

_Where's Elon? [me]_

I rushed over to her and placed a jacket over her shoulders she was shivering which made me aware it was colder then I thought before..

_He turned his phone off to go to a movie_

_Okay well that's not good [Ashlee]_

_Yea I'm sorry I can sleep in the hall._

_hell no your coming home with me sweetie [me]_

_I don't want to put you out I can.._

_It's fine baby I can use the company my roomies at her bf's 2nite_

_Are you sure? [Nazi]_

_Yes positive coming ash? [me]_

_Sure why not I can drink at your place _

_All the same to me as long as I drink [Ash]_

Driving home it was mainly Ash and Nazi talking which was so different from when miles was with me she was always talkative and made me laugh.

I fixed Nazi up in the guest room and made her call her mom by the time I got back to the living room Ash had fixed herself a blender full of Marquita's and was chillin on the couch. Exhaustion crept over me and I sunk into the seat next to her..she started joking around with me and trying to get me to laugh. Which acutely worked.

**MILEY P O V**

_Oh my gosh! Traffic is horrible! [me]_

_I know sweetie sorry I'm trying to get you there [mom]_

_I know mom! It's so frustrating! I really want to be there for her!_

_She knows that babe_

_No...[ I whispered] she doesn't_

I felt it more then saw it but she reached over and ruffled my hair. It was comforting to know she was there but I felt the tears building up all I wanted to reach my destination but everything was going wrong, First I wake up late cause it seems that no matter how much sleep I get I'm still exhausted all the time. Then I almost fall down the steps from dizziness or klutziness yea that's it saving grace klutziness! As if this wasn't enough I then get into a fight with Noah who seems to think this is pick on Miley morning then Braz spills his oj all over my new jeans, and blames me so we ended up in a huge fight. Which mom had to break up not to happily as she ushered them onto the bus. Then grabbed me and tried to get me into the car which resulted in me spilling my OVALTINE all over me and her cussing as she shoved me up the steps yelling at me to change and to hurry. Running up the steps made me gasp I could feel my heart racing so hard that by the time I got to my room I was almost passing out instead I tripped and landed on top of my birds cage who squawked in pro tests flapping it's wings. Quickly I checked on him to see he was fine just pissed as he kept pecking at me and squawking after fixing it's cage. I limped over to my closet and grabbed the first thing I could find and changed my whole outfit..then ran to the bathroom and washed up and ran down the steps I was panting and gasping as I reached the bottom and I wasn't even outside yest quickly I took deep breaths and calmed myself down just as I heard

_Miley get your butt down here now!_

My head was pounding and I started to feel nausea my heart racing as hard as It was wasn't helping placing my hand over my chest .I tried talking to it telling it to calm down we were both too young to be so tired and worked out. After a few minutes it seemed to work as of course mom yelled again..taking a deep breath I headed out the sun was shining perfectly warming me up I didn't even notice how cold I was till I felt those golden rays stretch cross me. Taking a moment to soak them up I stood in the doorway as I felt my body shiver and a wave of pure dizziness take over me slow quick breaths trying to calm myself ..

_Miley darling what in the blazes is wrong_

_With you today lets go were going to be late_

_Getting to your rehearsal [mom]_

_Okay mom I'm coming..[me whispered]_

Easier said then done as soon as I went to take a step the ground moved up towards me, all I saw was brown ..

I heard my dogs barking as mom was yelling my name ..

_Miley! oh my god miley!_

Then I felt her arms en circle me and close around me pulling me down with her

_baby are you okay?_

_what happened?_

_I uh..tripped .._

_how the hell did u trip? Don't lie to me miles_

_u know this house like the back of your hand_

_u wouldn't just trip.._

I looked up as she held me her hands ran over my face

_you don't feel feverish are you sick? [mom]_

_no mom I'm okay I just tripped I'm sorry I was distracted [Me]_

_miley you need to pay attention_

_you could of injured yourself_

_I know mom I'm sorry_

_seriously miley u can be so spaced sometimes_

_you need to focus on what's in front of you [mom]_

_mom I said I know! [me]_

She helped me up and checked me out which irradiated me for some reason and almost made me snap but she was too busy fussing over me and yelling at me as I climbed in the car.

Then we got to the studio late and everyone was staring at me pissed Ashlee looked at me strangely but there was no time to say anything my choreographer Jamel wanted to start there wasn't even time to warm up my bad luck went on as I spun the wrong way during party in the usa and crashed into Jen who thankfully laughed it off and helped me up . Frustration was now turning into tears which I fought off. She went over the steps with me till I had it down and was able to do it with my eyes closed. After we finally got through that Jamel called a short break Jen wrapped her arms around me and pulled me to her. She made me eat a snack and drink water talking to me she kept me from thinking and from remembering how I felt physically. When we resumed it went to worse I crashed into another dancer who wasn't so forgiven and started to yell about me being a prissy thinking I was better then everyone else and how I was a diva which upset me and made me trip over Ashlee who told me to get myself together , the last straw was when my male dancers went to lift me up for a routine one grabbed my arm to hard and made me squeal , one groped my butt which made me yell at him and of course they thought I was a tease and kept taunting me. Then they dropped me hard so hard that I saw stars and felt the darkness surround me engulfing me.

When I awoke mom was holding a cloth to my face and paramedics were checking my vitals pain shot through my head. I tried to move but she held me down and shushed me stroking my face kissing my forehead. The paramedics were telling her that my pressure was off my heart beat too fast she was telling them about my tachycardia then I fell asleep and missed whatever was said.

When I woke again Ash and Jen were siting with me holding my hands talking to me. Jen started to tell me what had happened that I was going to be okay no injuries other then a slight concussion , Ash was telling me that mom had convinced them I was stressed which Is why my bp was up and why my heart was racing. Once she signed some release forms they left and she helped me up telling Jamel she was taking me home no matter what he said. Which he agreed and canceled the rest of rehearsal.

When we were in the car I begged mom to drive me to the theater but traffic was crazy tears welled up as I thought about her thinking I hated her, then as I stared at the window my own reflection caught me and I saw the shirt I had chosen today was Mandy's old m&m cru shirt, the tears found their way out it still smelled like her.

At home Braz made some comment that they should of given me a concussion of the mouth so I would shut up, Noah was bugging me to play games, dad was cooking dinner and wanted to know what I wanted, Brandi was with her two band mates fighting over a bridge of a new song they were working on, Emily Grace was recording all this asking questions all I wanted was to go to sleep. Mom put her arms over me and kissed my forehead helping me up stairs. She stayed with me while I changed and got into bed..kissing me as she sat by me I noticed she checked me over

_Are you dizzy at all?_

_No mom I'm okay_

_Just sad that's all_

_I know you miss her and you want her but _

_Sometimes you have to let people _

_You love find their own way[ mom]_

_You mean like if u love her set her free [me]_

_If she loves you she'll return..[mom]_

_Yea well the waitings killing me _

_she probably hates me now [me]_

_No baby she could never hate you that I'm sure of [mom]_

_How do u know? [me]_

_Cause I'm your mom and mommas always know [mom]_

_Now get some sleep darlin'M_

_Morning will be here soon and tomorrow's your last day_

_before we leave.._

Sleep came but in stages I kept waking up reaching for her but she wasn't there. I dreamed about her they were sweet dreams of us together laughing and kissing and making love..I ached for her so deep it hurt.

**MANDY p o v**

_(S-S-S-S)  
(S-S-S-S-)S.O.S  
(S-S-S-S-)S.O.S_

Whats up girlfriend  
Somethings goin on  
You got a look about you  
Tell me what's wrong  
(Is that your) boyfriend?  
Handsome with that girl on the floor  
We gotta dance now  
Time to show our weapons of choice

(BRIDGE)  
(S-S-S-S-)S.O.S  
Is All I Need to send  
Just A Little Text  
I'm Calling All The Girls  
(F-F-F-F-)F.Y.I  
You Know its not the end  
Don't take it lying down  
No crying now it's your world

(CHORUS)  
Let The Music Play  
You Wont Get Away  
Just Get the Groove  
And then he'll come back to you again  
(Let it Play!)  
Let the music play  
He wont get away  
This groove he cant ignore  
He wont leave you anymore  
(Let it Play!)

S.O.S  
(S-S-S-S-)S.O.S  
S.O.S 

It felt great to be on the dance floor with Ashlee, Nicole and my other friends as we were grinding and twisting arms up as felt the music and let it take over us Ash was leaving tomorrow for tour so we were giving her a night to remember. I was just trying to let loose and forget and this was the perfect way for me..Ashlee's boyfriend Seth was already drunk and flirting with every girl including me which I didn't mind it was good to feel alive and to feel sexy again..not that I would of done anything with a friends bf but it was nice ..harmless fun ..well it was till he flirted with the wrong chick he had spun me round as I swung my hips to the beat his hands had slide to my waist as his eyes scanned me up and down..I think he liked what he saw...his hands then wandered to my hips as we danced together. I could hear Ash yelling about dismembering certain guy parts if he didn't watch it his hand had conveniently slipped to my upper leg and was sliding further under my very short skirt as he pulled me close , in truth he wasn't that good looking he smelled like a bar and he was far to hands on for me but I wanted an escape and he was providing it so I wasn't complaining. Ash on the other hand had enough and came over and physically pulled him off yelling in Spanish. I had to start laughing as she was slapping him and calling him all kinds of names..that's when I saw this chick looking at him like she was about to undress him with her eyes and screw him right here on this floor .Ash well she was wasted and this set her off big time..she went straight for her and this chick was ready to get down as she stepped forward..both yelling ..he was loving it..I was over it and dove into the crowd to get lost..in a crush of people lights and fog and loud music it was easy to get lost and it's what I needed..

Not even sure what time it was when I got in but it wasn't late wasn't too early a strange mixture u could say. I fell into my bed and slept barely for a few hours before I got up and went for a run for 10 miles and then to the gym in my building for another hour it was slightly after 7 am when I got in the shower , by 8. I was making coffee by the time I saw I made two cups it was too late tears welled up but I shoved them back and heading to the studio my luck the paparazzi were there and started after me the minute I walked out of my car..

_Mandy are you and miles fighting?_

_Is it true she dumped you for Selena and Demi?_

_Have you replaced her with a 10 year old?_

_Are you a pervert Mandy did u have sex with this kid?_

_How do u feel that she left you for Nick?_

_Is it true she's pregnant?_

_How do u feel about her going on tour?_

_Have you talked to her?_

I was so over this and wanted out but the more I tried to fight them off the more they crushed me as their flashes blinded me and their hands grabbed at me.

_Is it true you were drunk last night?_

_Are you in recovery?_

_How long did you do jail time for?_

Where did these people get their shit from? I was never in jail..why they would think I would have sex with a kid? I wanted to cry to scream but like with so much of my life lately I couldn't Do shit..finally security came and got me when I got inside I could take off my shades still their yelling could be heard security stayed with me till I was inside the elevator on my way up to where the rest of my group was.

Our choreographer Jamel was waiting for me as I arrived

_Sorry I'm late I ran into some road blocks_

_No prob Manderz we saw them just stretch_

_and get ready..[Jamel]_

Laura came over and helped me I smiled at her and she nodded ..after 10 minutes I was ready and we started all day we worked on moves to use for "sunshine" for lunch we had sushi and it made me remember all the times Miles and I had gone out it was one of her favorite meals, I lost my appetite my head had started to pound.

_Aren't you eating?[doma]_

_nah not hungry maybe later [me]_

_You sure it's amazing [Brooke]_

_yea I'm good I'm going to work on some moves_

I got up and went to work I saw them exchange looks but they had the common sense not to say anything to my face or even whisper when they thought I couldn't hear.

The rest of rehearsal I threw myself into the routine by 7 he called it a night but I was still restless and needed to dance, Nicole had left so I was by myself Nazi was with her family she was still waiting to find out if she had gotten the part. I didn't want to be alone so I went to a dance studio and took some classes, it felt great to throw myself into the class I had to focus on the moves since I didn't know the routine and there was no time to care about anything else.

After 3 hrs I went to the clubs and started club hopping every night I met up with different friends and we would dance and they would drink

_Want anything Mandy?_

_No thanks Jordan_

_Sure? _

_Yea.._

I didn't need the alcohol but it was slowly burning away at my nose ..night after night once I was done with TBA I would go to a class then hit the clubs it became a routine sometimes I had the same friends but the group usually changed ..Laura was always trying to get me to talk..but I was sick of talking I just wanted to forget..she was always trying to get me to eat..but food made me full and when I was full I got sick..so I danced..I danced to take away the hunger then I danced to take away the pain from my stomach then I danced to take away the dizziness and I danced to chase away the memories. This went on for at least two months ..in truth I liked the weight loss and I loved the attention I was getting from the guys..one night in particular I was dancing with Nicole who was in town for a few days and two of our friends..when we were laughing over something and I fell straight into her she of course was drunk and shoved me off half stumbling half dancing. I lifted my arms and felt her slap my butt rolling her eyes yelling at me to drink something...which got our other friends yelling at me to drink as they always did when they were drunker then drunk..

_Afraid of getting stupid?_

_Huh? 'xcuse me?[ me]_

_you don't want to drink cause you're afraid_

_You'll end up acting foolish like them?_

_Yea that's it will go with that [me]_

This guy smiled at me and I swear he made my heart skip a beat..

_Well I think it's safe to say you will _

_Be fine a gorgeous girl like you_

_Can never be foolish [guy]_

_Aw thanks you really think I'm.[me]_

_..what ? [guy]_

_ya know gorgeous.._

_I said it and I tell no lies.._

Before I knew it he had come over and put his hands on my face his touch felt warm and made me smile..he was cute too real cute if u like pretty boys blond hair and deep blue eyes and a killer smile a rock hard body, his hands stayed on my face for a minute before he let them travel to my arms and pull me close I didn't fight as he asked me to dance just nodded and sunk into his arms. We danced for over two hours before I was sweating and dizzy and needed to get some water..he took my hand and lead me to the bar... he helped me up on the stool and proceeded to order

_Two vodka's please_

_I.._

_Shh this will help a bit_

Every part of me was screaming no but I was dizzy so very dizzy and so thirsty.. when the glass was put in front of me I looked at it he smiled

_No worries one drink won't do u in but it'll_

_take the edge off_

He gulped his taking a deep breath I figured he was right one drink wouldn't hurt..I smiled at him and tilted my head back

_Take the edge off_

I told myself that's what I needed " _something to_ _take the edge off_ " what he wasn't right about was that for a recovering alcoholic there is no such thing as " one drink" ...cause once u take that one it leads to another " one" and another one..before I knew it I had knocked down 6 and was feeling very un-edged so much so I didn't fight him as we started grinding so close I could feel him against every part of me his member Gyrating against my front I couldn't resit running my hand all over his inner thigh and over his huge bulge. Which made him very happy, he smelled amazing and when he pulled me to him all I wanted was to have the most amazing hottest sex with him everywhere forever.. looking up into his eyes .I couldn't stop myself I didn't even try startling even him I lifted my short self up and locked lips ,his lips tasted amazing his hands held me close as we kept the kiss going our friends cheered us on .,At some point we made it to the car and we made it to his place before we landed in his bed and started ripping clothes off kissing his chest as he ran his hands through my hair over my bare back as he kissed my nipples which hardened as he sucked , my mouth started to suck on his member and I heard him moan as his fingers worked their way into my soft wet spot , I wish I could say I encouraged him to use a condom hell I wish I could say I even remember the actual act but I don't .I remember clothes being ripped kissing touching moaning..pain and pleasure..then darkness...

When I awoke I was laying on his chest with the massive headache and a stiff neck. He was awake and smoking a cigg as his hand stroked my hair. A soft moan escaped my lips..startling him

_Shit your up sorry hope u don't mind smoke_

_No..[ total lie I hate it]_

_Good u hungry?_

_No I'm okay _

Another lie inside I was screaming where the hell was I? Who are you mother f.....Did we? Please tell me we didn't...looking down only a sheet covered me I was sweaty but a chill went through me..at least he was polite he sensed I was cold and wrapped his arms around me and covered me with a blanket. We laid there in silence for who knows how long before he cleared his throat..

_It's almost seven do u need to be any where?_

_I don't know..I .._

_Shit I …_

I was so confused I didn't know up from down but I knew I needed to get out of there quickly I jumped up and tried to run but dizziness took over me and I crashed on the side of the bed he was by my side in a instant,

_Baby may..[him]_

_Don't call me baby..[me]_

Miles always called me baby it brought all the pain back in a full force cascade he stepped back shocked

_I'm sorry I shouldn't of_

_it's not your fault_

_I just..shit.._

_I need to sit down.._

_I feel sick..[me]_

_here..[him]_

He helped me back in bed and got a cold cloth for my face which was blazing..from embarrassment stupidity, fear everything...the wetness felt amazing. It relaxed me and helped me calm down..closing my eyes..I tried to block it out ..his voice brought me back

_maybe you should call someone_

_no I'm okay better now I just need a shower_

_and some clean clothes_

_I can help with them_

_come on.._

He helped me up his hands felt warm against my cold skin as he helped me into the shower he asked if I was going to be okay when I nodded he left me alone. Tears raged inside of me but I refused to let them out , instead I beat the wall how could I be so stupid so careful, after all the years I worked to be sober to stay away from these situations I fall right back into it.

_Feel better? U look refreshed_

_hope u like coffee_

_you'll need it with that hangover [him]_

_th..an..k..s yea coffee sounds great _

_what time is it? [me]_

_After 8 you should really call someone your shaking_

_Sure you don't want food? [him]_

_No..thanks.._

My stomach churned thinking about food

I took the coffee and noticed he was right I was shaking bad..I knew I was in no condition to drive

_Maybe I will call someone_

_Want me to?him]_

_No! [me]_

_I mean it would..uh..._

_Yea I get it no prob got a cell?_

He smiled god I hope I have it it I thought..finally after rumbling around I found it and shakily took it out my fingers felt numb and I was getting dizzy and nauseated again , my breathing was ragged

_Put your head down before you pass out_

He was by me in a instant laying my head back as he rubbed my arms trying to calm me down. Closing my eyes I thought of miles the first person I wanted to call but that was pointless.

I tried Laura but got no answer from her house or cell..Noreen's was the same..frustrating was beginning to eat at me bad my head was pounding worse as each minute went past till finally Doma picked up breathless on the 7th ring..

_'ello?_

_Do..m..a..[me]_

_yes..who's this? [Dom]_

_it's me...Mandy.._

_Mandy! Oh my god _

_what's wrong? [Dom]_

_I need help..could you please pick me up?_

_I can't drive.._

My breath was rapid and I could feel myself gasping, his hands rubbed my back.

_Oh my god where are you?_

_Sweetie what's wrong?_

_I can..I'll explain it when I see ..y..o..u_

_shit ..where am I?_

He gave me the address I could hear her gasp

_Who's with you?_

_What do u mean u don't know where u r?_

_Jesus Mandy what did you do!_

_Girl we are having along talk about this!_

_I'm on my way! [doma]_

He helped me lay back after I hung up she was pissed and I wanted to warn him but my lips were dry my head was spinning and my stomach was rising. He placed another cloth on my forehead and started rubbing my neck and shoulders. Before I knew it she was pounding on the door pissed he went over and let her in. I didn't have to open my eyes to see that she was now pounding on his chest screaming in his face..

_who the hell are you where's Mandy!_

_Put a shirt on Christ_

_Mandy! Baby where are you!_

_Dom I'm here! [me]_

She ran inside and saw me as I opened my eyes just as she dropped down in front of me I swallowed but the nausea kept coming

_Deep breaths keep breathing deep breaths _

_it's okay sweetie I'm here for you.._

I felt her rub my back and help me up

_if u feel like your going to puke_

_let me know okay honey? [Doma]_

_yea no problem_

_u don't even know her name! [turning to him]_

She lifted me up and wrapped her around my shoulders and back I laid my head on her shoulder

_is she going to be okay _

_does she get this way often?[him]_

_no she has never gotten this way. _

_and who the f....Are you any way?_

_What kind of asshole brings a girl to his place _

_without even knowing her name?_

_What's your name?_

_Sorry it's Brain Madison_

He tried to hold out his hand but she smacked it away which for some reason made me laugh like hell Doma rubbed my back picking up my stuff, as we passed him he stepped forward and quickly wrapped his arms around me I felt his lips kiss my head hearing her scowl

_Mandy is a beautiful name for an amazing girl._

_Take care I'll call you_

_yea right that's what all you trifflin players say_

_by tonight you won't even remember her damn name_

_do me a fav if u do thou forget it cause I'll make sure she forgets you_

_come on sweetie we need to get to rehearsal_

By the time we got to her car I was so sick I could barely stand she helped me lay down and covered me with a blanket and put the cloth over me.

Well Rehearsal went as about as well as you can expect I almost passed out twice and almost pucked Brooke made me sit down and take a break taking my vitals .I heard her saying that my pulse was racing and I seemed high..I felt it even though I hadn't taken drugs..my head was still pounding so hard it was making me see stars and spin..at some point Jamel made me go home and Brooke volunteered to drive me...Laura came with us...pretty much I fell into the car near fainting like.. Laura sat in back with me rubbing my back and my face..the ride was bumpy and even though I tried not to I had to yell for Brooke to pull over so I could vomit over and over again.

They helped me inside got me into the shower I felt Brooke and running soap all over my body and then the warmth of the water sliding over my body.

After they helped me to dry off and gave me a choice of clothes I grabbed an old flannel shirt that had belonged to miles which she had left over last time she slept over not that we got much sleep ^..^they helped me to bed Brooke rubbed my back and started talking to me

_What got into you? Damn Mandy _

_What were you thinking?[Brooke]_

_You didn't even know his name? [Laura]_

_How far did it go?_

_Please tell us you used protection? [Brooke]_

Laura had crawled into bed with me and was holding me I could hear Brooke on the phone with her husband telling him she was staying with me for the night. I suddenly felt like pucking again and started gagging the pain in my head was getting worse and I barely made it to the bathroom before everything came up over and over again. Laura started to yell and I heard Brooke screaming for her to go with me before I passed out and hit my head.

Gagging is the worst part let me tell you it sucks oh and then there's the heaving equally as nasty..after what seemed like an eternity .I managed to get a grip and lifted myself up to clean myself off, I saw them exchange looks through the mirror as I tried to get a grip on this breathing thing but no matter how hard I tried it didn't work..I started to feel shaky very shaky Brooke's arms wrapped around me since Laura was freaking out I felt Brooke pull me back into her arms as she told Laura to wipe my face yes I felt very glamorous at this point but I guess I passed that when I went home with a total stranger and had sex with him huh? I'm not sure what it was all the emotions I had built up or the way she held me so gentle maybe it was her soothing voice talking softy to me maybe all of it but I started to break little by little as she talked to me..

_It's okay Mandy I know you feel hopeless_

_right now and like your all alone_

_but your not ever we love you were right here_

_please reach out to us babe don't do this to yourself [Brooke]_

_I don't know how to..st..o..p shit I'm so messed up [me]_

_Then lean on us that's why you have friends [Laura]_

_your scaring us Manderz we never saw you so messed up_

_is this cause of miles? _

_I don..I me..ye..oh god! [me]_

Brooke held me as I threw up yet again..she held me as I washed up and brushed her hands over my face..her eyes looked so sad..

_come on will talk later you should rest_

She started to lead me to my bed but my legs were shaking so bad..that as soon as I stepped out I heard them gasp which was the last thing I remember before I blacked out. I dreamed though a lot miles was on stage and I was chasing her following that long slickly hair of ours she was laughing at something I said telling me to follow but no matter how hard I ran I couldn't get her and I yelled but her voice got father away..I was scared I was losing her..so scared..

When I woke up I reached out to hold her..but she wasn't there tears chocked me again..Brooke was laying with me I felt stiff but the pain in my head was dull now.

_She's up Laura come in_

_how is she? [Laura]_

_sore..confused..[me]_

_what the hell happened?_

_Do you remember anything?_

_Bits and pieces..what time is it?_

_2pm .._

_Wait.._

I stretched out Brooke rubbed my neck and back as she helped me sit up Laura pulled the covers over me and handed me some tea.

_What day is it?_

Rubbing my eyes I sighed as I leaned back

_Wednesday sweetie you slept through the night_

_and most of today Jamel took my advice and canceled _

_rehearsal today [Brooke]_

_oh god I am so dead Sue's going to kill me [me]_

_we told them you came down with the flu [Laura]_

_why?[me]_

_Cause we love you and we want to help[Laura]_

_just shoot me [me]_

_no we won't do that but you need help Manderz [Laura]_

_go on and get dressed Dom and Nor are on the way over_

_great..[me sarcastically]_

When I came out of the shower everyone was in my living room including my brother Garret. I was dreading this..but instead of jumping on me as I sat down Noreen handed me a plate

_babes you should try _

_to eat a little something_

_not sure I can without pucking all over again [me]_

_just nibble it may calm your stomach _

_can I ask you something Mandy? [Brooke]_

_yea sure..[me]_

_how long has it been since you ate something?_

I swallowed against the lump in my throat and avoided looking at her eyes but she knelled in front of me brushing my hair out of my face..

_sis please answer us were not going to yell and scream_

_we just need to know we love you_

_so much we want to help [Garret]_

_I know and I want to get help I just..[me]_

_it's so hard..I'm sorry _

_I know I messed up everyone's lives_

_you don't have to be here just leave me alone I'll..[me]_

I went to stand but my legs gave out and I felt myself falling if Garret hadn't been there I would of smashed my head on he table. He pulled me on the couch and started talking to me

_talk to me sis or I'm calling the rents_

_n..o..I just..[Me]_

_need to start talking before [garret]_

_maybe we should give you some time alone [Dom]_

_will be in the other room see if u can talk some sense into this girl..[Noreen]_

_I will thanks for calling me [Garret]_

_it's just us sis_

Laying my head on his lap he ran his hands over my face and through my hair..

_I swear I will call the rents_

_no..don't mom will flip[ME]_

_Well she ain't the only one start spilling or I'm gonna_

_go ape on this ass..who took advantage of my little sister [Garret]_

_I wasn't innocent [me]_

_you were wasted do u even remember any of it?_

_Answer me Amanda Michelle [garret]_

_No..[Me]_

_can't hear you.._

_NO! _

_did he ask your name ask permission?_

_no..._

_so he just took you back and had sex with you?_

_I wasn't saying no.._

_how do u know?_

_A feeling.._

_but no memories?_

_No not really.._

_he took advantage and he's scum but that's not even what worries me_

_so what does?_

_That you don't seem to give a damn about the danger you placed_

_yourself in that you willingly took a drink _

_you didn't call for help that_

_your starving yourself my god do you have any idea _

_how much weight you lost?_

_no..._

_a lot I say close to 50 lbs_

_you need to see a doctor _

_no.._

_yes sis don't fight me one call and mom and dad will be down here _

_so fast_

_please I promise I'll do what ever you want just give me time[me]_

_fine here's the first thing [garret]_

_what? [me]_

_Don't snap at me sis I'm trying to save your life_

_I don't want to be saved [me]_

_no u just want to starve so miles will come and save you_

_well darling it ain't happening she doesn't care_

_she dropped you and it sucks I know..[garret]_

_shut the hell up Garret_

_just shut up you don't even know..[me]_

_know what? That she doesn't deserve you _

_that she's an ungrateful little diva_

_who can't decide what she wants so she's just going to use as man.._

That did it I lost it and pushed myself up and slapped him well okay I went to slap him but he caught my hand which was so thin he bruised my hand

_you don't know anything about her!_

_You have no idea about what your talking about _

_miles is one of the most amazing careening_

_sweetest girls ever [me]_

_Sweet? Are you kidding me_

_she broke your heart lied to you used you [garret]_

_stop just stop [me]_

_Mandy I won't stop till you open your damn eyes and see what _

_is in front of you_

_I won't quit on you if it takes everything I have [garret]_

_stop being so dramatic I'm not dying! [me]_

_Close to it your almost skin and bones_

_you need help and until you admit it I'm here to stay [garret]_

_leave me alone seriously I'll be fine [me]_

_no your not Mandy your spinning out of control_

_and I won't let you fall [garret]_

He wouldn't leave so I did brushing past him and slamming the door to my practice room, I was beyond angry..I can't even say how pissed I was...it scared me how much my blood boiled I knew I had to get it out somehow...sitting at the piano my fingers seemed to find what I needed allowing my brain to shut down as I let the music take control..thoughts of miley filled my head..music was her passion I bet she was out on the road right now living it up she loved being on tour... the words just flowed out of me ..

_I reached for you this morning  
Woke up with empty arms  
Once again it's sinking in  
How far away you are  
I still pour two cups of coffee  
And tell you all about my dreams  
This kitchen's way too quiet  
You should still be here with me_

And even though I cry like crazy  
Even though it hurts so bad  
I'm thankful for the time God gave me  
Even though he couldn't make it last  
I'm learning how to live without you  
Even though I don't want to  
And even with you gone love lives on

I still call your mom on Sundays  
It's good to hear her voice  
She always tells me that same story  
About her stubborn little girl  
And I kept your favorite t-shirt  
You know the one I used to hate  
Ain't it funny how it's the one thing now  
I just can't throw away

And even though I cry like crazy  
Even though it hurts so bad  
I'm thankful for the time God gave me  
Even though he couldn't make it last  
I'm learning how to live without you  
Even though I don't want to  
And even with you gone love lives on

Baby love lives on  
Love lives on  
Oh  
Yeah

I reached for you this morning  
Woke up with empty arms 

LOVE LIVES ON BY MALLORY HOPE SOS BY KELLY CLARKSON


	34. Chapter 34 Why?

**WHY**

_Miley! Sweetie can you please stop flirting and _

_play with Noah..[mom]_

_but momma...[me]_

_no buts honey! Please she only wants_

_some attention she's 9 and she looks up to you.._

_if u don't come down here I'll let her read your diary out loud_

_and everyone will know about a certain crush you have [mom]_

_oh my god mom! [me]_

_Are you coming?[mom]_

_Yes mom ..fine mom .. like I have a choice[me]_

I got up and slammed the door totally embarrassed that she had just come in and shouted that in front of all the backup dancers. Who were laughing like crazy at this and I knew the teasing would commence as soon as I came back.

Noah was out in the back stage bugging my makeup artiest Toni who was trying not to get pissed as she did makeup on one of my backup singers while this kid zigzagged in and out of her legs with a video camera, trying to get her to answer silly questions.

_Noie! Come here now!_

_But why?_

_Cause I said so!_

_but I'm having fun! [Noah]_

_she's trying to work_

_but I'm not bothering her!_

_Noie you wanna play?_

_Yes! _

_Lets go then sweetie I wanna have some privacy_

_okay!_

I took her back to my dressing room and grabbed the guitar hero game and we played round after round

which Noah loved since she took pleasure in beating me over and over this kid was a wizard at this game and I played for a profession how can a 9 year old beat me! Somehow instead of getting mad I would look at her and just laugh like crazy she of looked at me as if I was insane and roll her eyes, After beating me several times she decided to play another game and invite all the dancers to witness my humiliation as she whined my butt at wii dance dance revolution, she took pride in this as well. Ashlee thought this was hysterical and was laughing so hard she was almost wetting herself. Which was earing her some very pissed off glares from me making her laugh harder..

_Revenge is sweet bitch u just wait_ [me]

_bring it on Miley Ray [Ashlee]_

She held up her arms as if to say what are you going to do? Come on I dare you! So of course I charged her which shocked her and she backed up screaming as I grabbed her and tickled her she wasted no time in quickly grabbing my waist and spinning me around I tried to trip her and she shoved me down on the floor hard as I tried to get her in a head lock..Noah was loving this she was chanting

_fight fight!_

_Miley and Ashlee are kicking each other's butts!_

_Go Ashlee!_

_Hey! [me]_

I looked up at her as if to say what the...and BAM right in my stomach Ashlee's knee got me hard. Groaning I felt the wind get knocked out of me as she pinned me laughing sitting on top of me

_Come on miles you can't give up like that![Ashlee]_

_Yea you have to at least fight![Jen]_

Suddenly I wasn't feeling very well and didn't want to fight any more..my stomach turned uneasy..as she started to bounce on me

_Buck buck buck _

_Come on don't be a _

_Buck...buck.._

I was dizzy again very dizzy and very nausea the bouncing didn't help...everyone's yelling only made my head hurt worse..

_Get off of me!_

No one seemed to hear me they just kept chanting as Ashlee started hitting me playfully in my face as she bounced harder pushing me down as I tried to push her off, everyone was laughing as I felt my stomach coming up but no one seemed to notice ..I felt myself panicking almost crying I felt like I was suffocating chocking on my own vomit

_Pin her legs! [Jaymie]_

_Hey pin her arms back! [Heather]_

_Feather her! [Amy]_

_Make her look like a real chicken! [Jen]_

_Since she won't fight! [Antoinette]_

_Get off of me! [me]_

_Help! [me]_

_Aw she's gonna cry! Look at wittle baby![ Ash]_

I was trying as hard as hell not to puke on her as she hit my shoulders and legs .I felt the other dancers hitting me trying to get a reaction out of me. Noah was kicking me the hardest little brat..

_He eh look at her!_

_She's a sitting duck! [Noah] _

_What's a duck say noie? [Ash]_

_Quack..._

_Cracked..._

_What's going on in here! [mom]_

Thank god I was getting so dizzy and so sick I thought I was going to throw up and pass out she came in the doorway and gasped..

_Get off of her![mom]_

_Tish were only fooling around! [Ash]_

_She's sick can't you see that_

_she's screaming for you to get off of her!_

_Listen to her [Mom]_

With barely any lifting she grabbed Ash and removed her as everyone fell silent mom picked me up as I covered my mouth she helped me run to the sink we brushed passed my aunt Edi who was with Emily Grace..I barely made it before I threw up gagging and coughing so hard it shock my body mom held me as my aunt stroked my back and hair, the feeling of pucking in front of everyone is the most embarrassing feeling ever everyone was in shock as I kept gagging and vomiting my head was spinning mom kept me up right holding me and comforting me , till I was done , my aunt held out a damp cloth to me so I could wipe my mouth then she handed me a glass of water to rinse. Mom was concerned of course and made me lay down I was still dizzy and had to hold onto her for support I saw Ashlee's shocked expression as I passed her by a mix of guilt and concern as I laid my head on my mom's shoulder.

_Calm down baby you'll be fine_

_It's prob a bug you've been traveling _

_for a while and your immune systems prob_

_weak just lay down and you'll be alright [mom]_

She helped me into my dressing room and I laid on my couch I felt her swing my legs up as Noah kept bugging her till she shushed her and pulled blankets over me, I heard my uncle Mick who's also my tour manger rushing in with our stage director and started yakking at mom

_Tish what happened?_

_We have 2 hours till show time we can't possibly cancel_

_last minute [Mick]_

_We will do whatever we have to _

_if miley's too sick to go on she won't go on_

_the only concern I have is my daughter's health_

_what's it look like? [ Tony]_

_well it looks like she has a bug or something [mom]_

_will know more after she See's a doctor_

_but I'm sure she'll be fine and were _

_not canceling at least not yet [mom]_

_mom...[me]_

_lay down sweetie and rest [mom]_

I didn't want it to be a big production I would do the show no matter what. I wanted to tell them to stop fighting and relax but they were so busy arguing I couldn't get a word in edgewise then I felt sleep taking over me.

_Mom..ow..[me]_

_baby what's wrong? [mom]_

_throat hurts..ba..aaa...d..[me]_

_Honey does anything else hurt? [mom]_

_Stomach head...[me]_

Everything in all honesty hurt like hell my throat was on fire and my head felt like a million hammers were holding a contest with a million drummers..wasn't sure who winning all I knew was that I was the mid man..and I was definitely losing..

_Mom I have to do the show.._

_baby maybe we should cancel[mom]_

_no I ..I'll be alright please let me.._

_okay but if u feel sicker tell me..[mom]_

Of course she started to take my temp and my vitals, by the expression on her face it was a high fever..she took my pulse twice which meant it was faster then she liked I could feel it beating hard. Laying back I closed my eyes and tried to get some more sleep, I felt mom stroking my face and kissing my check.

Noah manged to escape mom and came over and sit by me I felt her little hand creep up and squeeze mine

_Don't be sad miles_

_She misses u to I know she does [noie]_

_Huh? Who?[me]_

_Duh Schmanderz_

_Call her and tell her u miss her and your sorry_

_It always works for me [Noah]_

_I think what I did requires more then sorry [me]_

_So keep saying it till she believes it [Noah]_

Her words rung in my head as I closed my eyes.Someone I managed to get some rest and get up mom helped me to wash up which was embarrassing enough. I was weak but I was trying hard not to show it as she helped me strip out of my shorts and t-shirt and into my first show outfit. Leather shorts and a leather halter over a Grey t-shirt, mom gave me her sweatshirt to wear till I went on stage. She kept checking my vitals in a rare moment alone I felt vulnerable taking a deep breath .I grabbed my phone and dialed Mandy's number which rang and rang sighing I debated hanging up my stomach was in knots but after the answering machine picked up before I could hang up..

_You are dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world with no time, where color collides with sound, and shadows explode. You see a sign up ahead. This is no ordinary answering device; this is "The Twilight Phone" _

I had to laugh it was so like her she's obsessed with that movie

_Hey Mandy it's me..uh miles in case u forgot_

_I just wanted 2 say that I miss you so much_

_And I am so sorry ..really sorry_

I couldn't stop the tears from coming down or my voice from chocking up.

_I should of never of kissed Nick_

_It was stupid and childish and god I miss u_

_I don't expect u to forgive me but I hope_

_Someday I hope u will _

_I hate him so much Mandy_

_And I never want to see him again_

_I only want u Mandy _

_I swear I won't see him again_

The dancers came over Ashlee came right up to me..quickly I hung up and wiped my face clearing my throat and composing myself

_Miles..sweetie..[Ash]_

_Thanks Ash [me]_

_For what? [Ash]_

_Making me throw up..[me]_

Her face went from shock to horror to guilt as she covered her mouth stepping back from me..

_Oh my god miles I am so sorry I had no..[Ash]_

_Relax I was joking! [me]_

_Come over here.._

_Huh?[Ash]_

_I want a hug bitch it's the _

_least u can do fro me[me]_

Ashlee came over and wrapped me in a hug and whispered

_Sweetie_

_yYu are so dead just wait till latta [Ash]_

_me? you wait till latta [me]_

_5 minutes till show time!_

_Everyone in their positions!_

5 minutes deep breath take a deep breath and relax you'll be fine my throat was on fire mom was checking me over again as the techs were hooking me up. I could hear the crowd going crazy it filled me up and made me anxious to get out there.

Before I knew it I had been on stage for over a hour and was sweating like crazy as I slapped hands with the front rows and ran back to my dancers my heart was pounding and my throat was getting worse , I was stating to struggle to breathe and could feel myself getting weaker but I wasn't going to let it affect me I loved being out there and I needed it. As I spun and ran and sung .I felt all my cares slipping away the crowd was so awesome cheering at the top of their lungs cheering for me holding up signs for me professing their love and devotion .I knew I was where I needed to be. The music kept me going as I danced with my backup dancers and sung to my fans.

Night after night I got to do what I loved most which was making people happy getting them up to dance and sing along. But getting up at 5am every morning for rehearsals interviews photo shots and preforming every night plus trying to get school work done took it's toll one me and I couldn't fight off this stupid cold and sore throat it just kept getting worse. No medication seemed to help and we tried tons.

After 3 weeks well I was plain exhausted and could barely make it through a show without completely collapsing. Still I wanted to be strong I was a leader and everyone looked up to me so I said nothing. Tried to keep my coughing so I was alone. Everyone seemed to buy that I was over it.

Concert dates came and went we arrived in city after city and went to the venues and hotels if we had enough time which usually we went straight from the bus to the venue then back to the bus. Traveled through the night and repeated it all over again. Mom and I had a lot of time together so it was hard to hide it from her but I was a actress so I used it as training. She was so busy being my manger that she could barely spare the time to see past my lies.

The best part of this tour was seeing Trace again his band was touring with me and he was a big help it was nice having him to talk to.

I needed him when we rolled into Texas to do a benefit concert and I discovered Nick and his brothers were also playing at it as well as Selena and Demi ~awkward~ Trace told me to be strong and know myself well enough to stand my ground- nice big bro if I had that strength to be strong. I wouldn't of kissed him in the summer and Mandy wouldn't hate me. Nick wasted no time in coming to my dressing room and talking to me, I was exhausted and in no mood for this any of it but of course he didn't care..he wanted what he wanted. We argued and argued till he pulled me to him and kissed me..hard..but sweet to..my head was spinning literally..I heard his voice and then ..I felt my legs get Jello like and then blackness.

_Miley! Miles _

_Baby wake up sweetie _

_Miles..._

I felt hands caressing my face and my mom's voice talking to me as my eyes opened slowly my head felt like it would explode.. the nausea rose as I tried to swallow mom's voice was full of concern as she helped me sit up supporting my head in her arms.

_We should get her to the hospital [EMT]_

_Okay but no ambulance I'll drive her_

_She's okay_

_Miles can you sit up? [mom]_

_I think so can you support me? [me]_

_That's what I'm here for baby lean on me_

One perk of being a celeb is that you get rushed right in which is what I needed, it felt good to have my mom's arms wrapped around me but I wanted to be healthy .

_Miles do u want me to help u change?_

_Uh No I can do it [me]_

Doing it was very slow my whole body was sore and felt like a million lead weights were pulling my me down. I know mom saw how slow it was for me but she kept her promise to stay back as I took off my shirt and pants every part of me felt like it was on fire and like it had been frozen solid I could barely move my fingers were cramped and I had trouble grabbing stuff and putting it on as soon as I went to put the stupid gown on it slipped from my fingers which I could barely bend softly I cussed and leaned against the bed to bend over and grab it pain shot through my right side and over my whole body groaning. I felt my head spin and quickly grabbed the bed feeling my breath growing faster

_Miles are you okay? [mom]_

_Yea I'm fine.._ [me]

Taking a few deep breaths I slowly got up holding onto the gown struggling to put it on as a coughing attack came over me grabbing the bed I braced myself as it consumed my whole body. Mom was by me in a flash to rub my back and try to soothe me. When it finally ended I could feel my lungs struggling to breathe. I tried coughing to clear them out but it only lead me to gag and heave mom was by me with a basin holding me up , my throat was on fire my lower back was stinging badly , mom helped me to stand and without discussion this she helped me put on my gown and to lay on the bed..I was exhausted

So it was no surprise that I fell asleep.

Waking up it felt like lead weights had invaded my eyes and had sewed them shut rubbing them made me feel like sandpaper had been thrown over the balls, I let out a scream which came out silent my throat was as dry as the sand on a boiling hot 100 degree day my head was pounding and every part of me was in pain. Trying to look around did not help at all just sent more pain through my head ..

_miles _

_Bran.._

Yea talking not so hot I sounded like a boy with a frog stuck in it's throat. She called for mom who came running in helping me to sit up taking my vitals. She explained to me that I had been asleep for 5 days with a 105 fever, I had been diagnosed with strep ,Pneumonia and the flu mom and dad had flown me home to rest. My concerts had to be postponed Brandi had been staying with me since I came back. It felt nice to have her arms wrapped lovingly around me. As soon as I heard how many dates I had missed my mind started to go over how much money the company had lost. I felt bad for all the hard work that had been put into it and it made me want to hurry up and get out there..my body had other ideas and didn't even like the idea of me getting up to use the bathroom. Sleep was the only thing that helped so I did a lot of it. When I couldn't Brandi and I watched loads of Disney movies. While watching Pocahontas my mind drifted to Mandy I missed her more and more I wanted to call her and hear her voice so bad it hurt when no one was around I cried myself to sleep. Mom tried to get me to talk to call but I knew I was the last person she wanted to hear from so I had enough respect to let her go. Besides I was too weak to fight..still I wished she would call.

_Ring..Br..a..n..g [phone]_

_Answer it please Brandi [me]_

_Okay [Brandi]_

My heart was pounding hard it had to be her I knew it she always knew what I needed ..

**ELLA'S P O V**

_Hey Emily wanna go to Bridie's juices? {me]_

_Sure sounds great I so need a juice fix before we head_

_Over to Hell [Emily]_

_Yea I know what u mean_

_hey Kalila ,Brianna _

_Yea whats up?_

_Bridie's u in? [me]_

_Awesome [Kalila]_

_Yea let me just go to my locker [Bria]_

Finally I was free well for at least 16 half more hours. To say it had been a long day would be a understatement of the century ..as soon as we got outside Bria let down her long Blond hair which cascaded down in huge curls. Stretching out she spun around giggling even though it was mid November it was an amazing day in Washington D.C we hurried cross from our school's sidewalk all around us life was moving at top speed traffic was cruising so fast it was amazing no one crashed people hurried to and from dogs barked and kids were eager to escape some on broads or skates ,bikes cracking my neck I took it all in I loved living in a city so full of life.

_I can't believe how insane this new_

_coach is I mean we have no life! [Bria]_

_well we wanted the best _

_we got the best [Emily]_

_yea well we need him if u 2 want to_

_make the Olympics some day [me]_

_oh please don't tell me u don't want to_

_no I'm all about the dance I'm just taking _

_gymnastics for a requirement [me]_

_what kind of juice do u want? [Emily]_

_uh mango peach strawberry duh! [Bria]_

_Ew yuck and Gag no way _

_I want strawberry banana [me]_

_oh we better hurry we have to be at the gym in like 20 _

Of course there was a long line and not enough employees but we managed to get our drinks and pretty much run to the gym.

By the time we got there we were sweaty and exhausted but we made it quickly inhaling the rest of our juices and changed running out to warm out. Stretching out with Bria and Steffi we helped each other warm ourselves up.

_Emily head up hold it _

_flip that leg and hold your pose_

_arm extended and hold it as u turn_

_focus at all times_

_the bean is no place to mess up_

_Bria no talking no movement_

_just sit ups and keep your postures_

_120 maybe you'll hear me when I say_

_NO TALKING!_

_Ella you may not want to make it to_

_the nationals but if u want to keep Dancing_

_then move it! _

_Ella rotate your wrists and _

_don't let go keep your focus _

Okay so our new coach is brutal we've been at it for 4 hours already my ams were burning and my legs felt like they would be paralyzed if I worked any harder. My head was spinning and I still had 4 more hours of dance practice cracking my neck I prepared to do my last vault. Taking a deep breath I cleared my head.

_Excellent job Ella!_

_Thanks coach!_

Quickly Steffi and I ran to change and hurry out to grab the subway across town to where our dance studio is finally we ran in changing into my dance leotard by the time I got out there we were starting.

Three classes later we were finally done and changed heading out to grab dinner, now we had to do several hours of homework, I was exhausted and getting feed up with it. But I knew if I wanted to do this for life then I had to do the work and miles told me over and over getting there was half the battle and she told me that as hard as it was it was worth it. By the time we got out it was almost 10 pm and the only light out were from street lamps and store lights Steffi and I always accompany each other home we live in the same apartment complex and we go to the same school

_So what's for dinner? [Steffi]_

_Great question I'm starved! [me]_

Scanning the area which we know by heart anyway we grinned and both ran to one of 5 top places Becky's Flipping Palace it's gymnastic themed and severs the best food ever she caters to those of us in the gymnastics and dance world by making food we love but in a healthy way. She's great for advice as well.

We ordered and sat down

_I can't even begin to think about_

_getting up tomorrow or how_

_I will get my homework done! [Steffi]_

_yea I know me to [me]_

_do u get anything Mrs. Pomerania _

_was yapping about in class?[me]_

_yea she was going on about the _

_the English Rena writers _

_yada yada _

_great do we have any reports?_

_Yea we have 2 chose a writer who's words speak to us_

_explain what it means to us and how their_

_words have meaning today [Steffi]_

_whens it due?[me]_

_Friday [Steffi]_

_Great.._

I buried my head in my hands ..after we ate we walked home the air was brisk and and bite at us as we stepped out of the cafe. Still it did me well woke me up I had a long night ahead of me.

The walk took 10 minutes when we got inside we split she lived on the 24th floor I was up on the 42and

the air had already been knocked out of me and I was feeling exhausted again as soon as I got in dad was at the door taking my coat

_How was rehearsal? [dad]_

_Great but grilling [me]_

_homework?_

_Yes of course Steffi and I ate on the way home_

_so I'll go start it now_

_Okay I can't believe your mom lets you travel by _

_yourself and grab dinner out_

_she's busy dad and I'm old enough been doing it since I was 7_

_yes I know and I don't like it but I respect you_

_Thanks_

I kissed his check and hugged him as I went into my room and adjoining bathroom took a quick shower which felt amazing and fired up my laptop as I took out my books and headphones math was easy and history was just as easy bio not so much I struggled with that for 20 minutes before I instant messaged Ronnie and asked her from help she's like a genius and loves to help classmates she's always up late sky ping with her boyfriend Lennie who is on a missionary in Africa the time difference makes it hard to chat. She was a big help and I breezed through it after wards. Taking a break after 2 hours I grabbed water and a apple and went to research English Rena writers as I surfed the Internet I stumbled across a headline that caught me

_**TEEN DISNEY STARS CANCELS SHOWS DUE TO ILLNESS**_

Clicking on it I gasped and quickly scanned it over..

_**Disney sweetheart Miley cancels shows to **_

_**prolonged illness according to sources close to the star**_

_**the teen has been suffering from Anorexia for over a year**_

_**and has turned to drugs to get her strength back..**_

_Bullshit! [me]_

I was pissed there was no way she had a eating disorder I knew that and I was pissed people would say these lies and print them. Checking other sites I saw she had canceled shows so I did grow worried and reached for the...

**MANDY'S P O V**

_Mandy you have to eat I'm not kidding _

_this has gone on way too long your losing weight_

_and it's going to start to effect you [Garret]_

_I'm fine Garret stop worrying I'm eating [me]_

_since when?[Garret]_

_Since every day since you invaded my life [me]_

_I had breakfast [me [a lie]_

_what did you have? [garret]_

_fruit_

_what kind?_

Sucking on my lip I wanted to scream why was he being so damn annoying? He was firing questions at me left and right so I had to keep coming up with lies to cover myself and keep them straight.

_An orange_

_what did you have for lunch?[garret]_

_Salad and soup [me]_

_what kind?[garret]_

_Salad it's salad for Christ sake[me]_

_I meant the soup don't get testy [GARRET]_

_kind of hard when your all up in my business [me]_

_I love you Mandy and someone has to save you_

_I don't need saving_

_I just need to be left alone!_

_Why can't you people get it![me]_

Spinning on my heals I ran into my room it was times like these I wished for a door so I could slam it.

I was angry so damn angry I wanted to call miles and tell her my frustrations but of course I couldn't do that ..miles just thinking about her made me want to cry and scream..how can someone who you love so much bring so much pain? Why when all they do is cause you pain do you keep on loving them needing them craving them? Taking deep breaths to calm my racing heart I flopped on my bed and saw the answering machine blinking anger rose why couldn't people leave me alone I just wanted one person and she wasn't calling quickly I slammed my finger on erase and got up.

After pacing I slammed my fist into the stereo and turned on the loudest music I had and began to work out I did 250 reps of 200 lb hand held weights and then went to 360 sit ups and 250 push ups before moving onto other excises the music help me get into the zone which didn't take long within an hour I was sweating bad and breathing heavy the burn was throughout my body but I wouldn't quit no matter how tired I was or how much my body burned I needed this release.

Practicing move after move of our new routines till they were absolutely perfect gave me satisfaction..as I saw myself in the mirror I could see the problem as to why I wasn't fast enough I weighed too much..my butt alone had to weigh like 50 lbs I knew I needed to lose more weight and I was determined to do it I wouldn't let the girls down!

_Mandy stop it right now!_

My whole balance was shifted as Garret scared the heck out of me causing me to crash into the floor hard which felt like a blow of a thousand pins and needles penetrating my skin.

_Are you okay oh shit I'm sorry[Garret]_

_get off of me no I'm not okay I was till you ruined it![me]_

I tried pushing him off but he was a lot stronger then I was strange he never was before..without barely trying he picked me up and dragged me to the bed..as much as I wanted to fight him he over powered me and sat by me unmoving with no choice I gave up getting madder by the minute...turning away from him. I pulled the covers over me and concentrated on taking deep breaths..which calmed me down a little. I thought about why he was doing this I knew he loved me and I knew what I was doing was dangerous but I was smart it wasn't going to take over me.. I just needed to lose a little weight enough to get lighter shed the pounds from camp...then I would be thinner and prettier maybe people wouldn't leave me...maybe miles would love me enough to be with me and only me..maybe idiots like what's his name wouldn't see me as just some little drunken sex toy...he hadn't called but was I surprised no..hurt yes..tears escaped without meaning to..I wanted miles to wrap her arms around me and tell me I didn't need to lose weight I was pretty enough thin enough..

_The phone works two ways sis call her _

How did he do that read my mind? He was one of the only 2 who could she was the other one..taking a deep breath I swallowed and looked up he had the saddest look in his eyes as he ran a finger over my face . I saw how tired he looked how he hadn't combed his hair or shaved in who knows how long..he was always very feminine in his appearance...this wasn't like him..

_Call her..Busha just call her [garret]_

_I don't thin...[me]_

_Call her [he interrupted me]_

Sighing I reached for the phone my heart beating a million miles a minute as I dialed shakily and waited...I felt nausea and sweaty even dizzy she probably hated me and wouldn't even pick up why would she want to talk to me after the way I treated her?

_Miley pick up please pick up.._

_I need you.._


	35. Chapter 35 Never Be Forgotten

**NEVER BE FORGOTTEN**

**miley p o v**

_Brandi grab the phone_

Coughing attack followed as my sister reached over me and grabbed my phone as my heart pounded like crazy it had to be her..it just had to be. I could hear her sweet voice in my ears telling me that it was all alright that she loved me and she had been kicking herself for acting so stupid and that she wanted us to start over..but she was afraid that I would hate her..never Mandy I could never hate my Manderz..

_hello yea she's here_

_I don't think she wants to talk to anyone [Brandi]_

_Give me..yes! [me]_

She gave me a look but shrugged as she handed me the phone and I struggled to sit up which took the wind out of me. Shakily my fingers took the phone and I held it up to my ear almost dropping it but Brandi's hands steadied me.

Taking a deep breath I closed my eyes and held the phone tight..

_Hello?_

_Miles.._

_Nick...[me]_

_Yes that's what my mom told me_

_Well your mom is a smart lady so I'm assuming _

_your who u say u r..[me]_

_gee thanks your confidence in me is over whelming [nick]_

_no problem Nicky.._

_so um how come your calling? [me]_

_gee I don't know cause you passed out in my arms_

_AGAIN! [nick]_

_oh yea that..uh I heard u caught me _

_well there wasn't much choice seeing as there were_

_witnesses [Nick]_

_yea that would look good in the press_

_Nick J Causes Head Trauma To Former GF [me]_

_yea well that's why we have PR people they can _

_spin it to fit our favorite [Nick]_

_well of course that's why we pay them [me]_

_in all seriousness how are you sweetie?_

_Uh okay doing better still tired and sore_

_but I should be resuming tour very soon_

_good we miss u _

_what do u mean we miss u? [me]_

_shit..uh.._

_Well I mean we only saw u for a few minutes b4 u pulled_

_your diva act_

_DIVA ACT! _

_I AM NOT A DIVA!_

_Didn't say u were just said u were acting like one [Nick]_

_what's the dang difference?[me]_

_uh loads [Nick]_

_loads [Nick]_

_yea start naming them..[me]_

_uh oh I hear mom_

_I got to go take care miles_

_thanks u 2.._

Shock doesn't describe what I was feeling as we hung up Brandi was gazing at me grinning I shrugged and buried myself into her arms. Which felt amazing she smelled amazing as well her fingers ran over my scalp and head making me relax.

_Why is it so frustration?_

_What's that ? [Brandi]_

_love? It was so easy before [me]_

_u were a kid then [Brandi]_

_yea I know whys it so different now? [me]_

She seemed to think about this and laid her head into mine as she spoke slowly when she did as always she was worth the wait..

_When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a women, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection, then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.  
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love, but the greatest of these is love. _

Her words hung on me as she fell asleep what did those words mean? For so many months I had been angry at Nick was that childish? Was she telling me to grow up? Because I always said I was grown was it time to act it and forgive him? Have faith that it would all work out and hope in the end he could forgive me? Cause in the end all that matter was love..I fell asleep pondering that notion.

In the morning Brandi drove me to the doctors I was sleeping in the passenger seat in between bouts of nausea which is why I was holding a bucket between my legs. The papas were out in full force snapping away calling out out to us we smiled and waved even posed when we were out of the car. I was feeling weaker though then I had since I was up. Brandi had to hold me up when we were walking which didn't send a great vote of confidence how things were going to go. More lies out of the paparazzi mouths as they called out to me the latest rumors. We laughed at most of them..but some almost stopped me cold..

_Miles is it true Mandy dumped u for Selena?_

_No comment_

_is it true U hate her because she stole money from u_

_And your father beat her?_

_No comment _

I wanted 2 add asshole to it but kept my cool as we went inside. Why would someone even ask something as awful as that who would even think it? Why would my dad beat Mandy? He has never had a violent bone in his body it made me so damn angry but I knew better then to say anything after all it was just another rumor which would die as quick as it started.

Brandi held me after she checked me in my head was pounding and I was sick to my stomach again not to mention my throat was on fire.

When the Rn called us in Brandi helped me up and we went back as soon as we got in I had to step back on the scale.

_103 miles [Brandi]_

_well that's better then I thought [me]_

We went back and waited for the exam which of course consisted of all the normal stuff blood work breathing tests the exam itself of course the stream of questions were never ending as well thankfully Brandi answered most of them so I could rest.

It's the longest time when your waiting for the your whole life to be decided I missed preforming so much and this waiting was killing me!

_Miley Ray..[Dr. Tanner]_

_Yes.._

Aw my throat sounded awful Brandi had to laugh...which got her a great look from me. Struggling to sit up caused a coughing fit. She came over and rubbed my back till I gagged...she held the bucket for me. Then gave me water to rinse myself out.

_So is she okay to go back Dr.? [Brandi]_

_yes well her __platelet_ _count is still low_

_and her red cells are low as well_

_but her infection is going down and her_

_lungs are almost cleared _

_I''ll let her go but she should get a follow up in _

_a week I want her tests results faxed to me_

_okay any antibiotics? [Brandi]_

_yes I'll write a prescription and have it faxed to the pharmacy [Dr]_

_thanks Dr_

_she needs to rest as much as possible as well_

_she will believe me mom will make sure of it._

Exhausting hit me as we got in the car and I fell asleep while Brandi went in to grab food for our parents.

Some how even that sparked controversy she didn't know to tip the guy at the take out and that set out all this name calling that we were cheap and our parents raised us as spoiled brats who thought we were better then anyone and that no one was worth our money. My parents blew it off but I hated it, dad was making me laugh however and went around acting like he was this all powerful king who's subjects were beneath him . When he gave me my medication he wore a mask making motions like he was afraid of me which made us laugh like crazy.

The next morning he made us breakfast in bed and brought me roses which made me cry so of course he held me and laughed.

**Ella p o v**

_lets go girls step it up!_

_Focus everyone needs to focus!_

_We have a competition in three weeks_

_if u want any shot at making nationals when your older _

_this is the first step no time to get sloppy_

As I prepared to mount my vault I cleared my head all I could think about was miles she was so sick when I spoke to her a few days ago and in a lot of pain. I couldn't believe these lies that the media was spilling. She kept telling me that it was all apart of the game though.

After 6 grueling hours I finally got out and headed to half a day of school with Steffi we took our sweet time neither one of us wanting to rush,stopping to grab taco bell for lunch before we got to school.

Finally after I got home I got the news I was waiting for miles had left a message that she was cleared to resume tour and would be coming to DC in two days I was stocked!

**NAZRIA P O V**

_Nazi! Get down here!_

_What is it mama! [me]_

Quickly grabbing my dance bag I hurried down the steps when Mama calls u answer trying not to trip I flew down the steps and skidded in front of her as she stood in the kitchen frying bacon and flipping pancakes and waffles as she was on the phone yelling at someone...

_no she is not!_

_Because are you kidding me!_

_Why?_

_Because she's 13 years old that's flipping why!_

_No she is..no you are the_

_shut up!_

_No I'm telling you!_

_Because I'm her mother because I have custody!_

_You promised her don't try to make me out_

_to be the bad guy u broke her heart _

_no u can _

_oh no u don't !_

_Send the money or I'll take your ass to court_

_Good-Bye!_

She slammed the phone down and cussed

_Mama what is it? [me]_

I threw my bags in the corner as she turned to me sighing pushing her hair back as I went over and hugged her

_baby I got some good news _

_and bad news for u [mom]_

_oh no what happened? [me]_

_well u got the part your agent called late last night [mom]_

_OH MY GOD!_

_I GOT IT! _

_I REALLY GOT IT?[me]_

_Yes you did baby![ mom]_

_AHHHHH!_

We were both standing in the kitchen screaming and jumping up and down hugging each other as my younger brother Tirolean or Lil T as he likes to be called came in and looked at us like we were aliens.

Elon came in and looked at him and whispered "girls" then I sighed and looked at her

_w..h..a..t'..s the bad news?[me]_

She took my hands

_bad news hon is that your dad _

_won't be home so you won't _

_have any place to stay [mom]_

_why? [me]_

_well your dad _

_has decided that he needs to find himself_

_so he's taking a 5 month vacation to Brazil_

_with her? [me]_

_well yes I assume that his wife Sandra is going as well_

_so as usual his new wife comes before us [me]_

_well it ain't stopping me I'll find a way to still be in the play_

_darling I know you want this but I can't possibly pick u up_

_and your __not __taking the bus that late at night I'll be flying late_

_and you are too young to stay by yourself_

_but mom I can take care of myself! [me]_

_I did it all summer!_

_No u did not u had counselors and nurses_

_mom please this means everything _

_to me I need this! Rent is a huge production_

_this Director can make me or break me _

_he has connections all over in this business [me]_

_baby I'm sorry I know u want this and I want it for you_

_but u need a grownup [mom]_

_I'll find one mom! [m,e]_

_By today ? [mom]_

_Well if that is what it takes then yes! [me]_

_Look..baby..[mom]_

_no mom I will not give up!_

_Fine good luck u better have a place to stay_

_by tonight girl if I find out u r lying or..[mom]_

_mom relax I'll find a place!_

_I got to go! [me]_

Sighing I grabbed my bag and stormed out

_Nazi aren't u eating?_

_Not hungry! [me]_

It was times like these that I wished Nessa and I were still friends I could use someone to talk to , exciting my house I bundled my jacket closer at 6 am it was cold yet a bit windy as well there was only one person who I thought about that could help me and I hated to ask but I had to get this part pulling out my cell I called.

Taking a look around I saw kids heading to the bus stop for school but I wasted no time in hurrying away and going to the public bus stop.

**Mandy's p o v**

Moving through the crowd proved to be a lot harder then u would think when your drunk off your ass which there was no way to describe how I was expect that way the music was pumping loud and it was making me move as I shock my hips and twirled laughing my hair flowing free as I grinded against whatever semi to totally hot guy would give me the time of day which wasn't hard to find since most were fighting to get next to me. Drink after drink flowed through me as Doma and Noreen and I danced the night away laughing Dom flipped back my hair as I danced by her my eyes closed as I felt a guy's hands over my butt and he pressed up against me dancing close I could hear Noreen laughing as she whispered

_be careful girlfriend_

Careful was the last thing I had in mind however as I started dancing with him my arms up as his hands caressed my whole body up and down. His breath was sharp and reeked of Alcohol as his lips nestled my neck making me moan..we started moving in sync and after an hour I started to turn and kiss him back ..his hands pulled me close as we moved from the dance floor to a private table in back..where the drinks flowed endlessly we barely made it into a booth before my shirt came off and he had me laying down kissing my body making me moan clothes flew off as I felt him slide inside of me causing me to groan as our hips moved in sync his groans filled my ears as his lips filled my lips he slapped against me as I bit my lips groaning over and over till we both came.

Exhausted we sat up our bodies hot and sweaty pulling out of me as I gasped his fingers massaged me down there and he grabbed a bottle of Grey Goose. I had half of it drowned laying down against him as I closed my eyes he kissed my head as I felt him slip something in my mouth, I didn't open my eyes I didn't trust him but I didn't care either I should have been scared but I wasn't which worried me but I didn't want to be worried so I let it go as something cold was slide over my arm opening my eyes I saw him slip a needle in my arm I tried to speak but it didn't come out vaguely my eyes spotted the heroin on the table as someone handed me a joint which I took and lit up smoking it closing my eyes leaning back his laughter rung in my ears. I have no idea how many joints I smoked or how many shots I did liquid or needle wise all I knew. I was feeling damn good and I couldn't get enough we had sex on every table ever chair all over the floor and danced naked bottles were emptied and broken as we partied there had to be about 50 people all celebrities and friends. I'm not even sure what time it was but at some point I felt hands pulling me off a bar top I tried to push them off but they knew my name and kept pulling me no matter how hard I pushed they held me strong and whispered to me.

_Mandy you have to stop_

_Please your wasted lets go_

_Sweetie please..your friends are worried_

_Get off of me! [me]_

_Who ever you are let go_

_Take your hands off me..[me]_

_Hey let her go! _

_Mandy.._

_Fergie hey~[slurred] [me]_

_Yes sweetie come on _

_I was only trying to help [guy]_

_Well I got it now thanks [Fergie]_

Her arms wrapped around me as she pulled me away while I stumbled as we went past them I saw the guy who had grabbed me

_Brian.._

_Yea Mandy I was just trying.._

_Mandy someone help me!_

_She's going down! [FERGIE]_

I felt my legs give out as arms caught me and voices panicked. Everything went black as I felt heat rushing up.

Pain intense pain was the first thing I felt when I woke up it swarmed my head and made me gag a slight groan escaped my lips as I fought the urge to vomit violently. Darkness filled the room providing

A slight sparkle of release my phone blared out low by Flo Rida making my head pound even worse another groan as I pulled my covers over my head and rolled over. I was SO not in the mood to talk to anyone, closing my eyes I tried to return to the safely of darkness but no matter how hard I tried I couldn't ..how much I wished miles was here..she would know how to help me..

_Mandy...[Garret]_

_Go away Garret..[me]_

_I tried that last night one effing business trip_

_And look what happened..[garret]_

_I'm a grown ass women if I wanna get drunk I will_

_It ain't any of your damn biz so go away! [me]_

_It is my damn Biz [Garret]_

_Why [me]because I love u and your my lil sister _

_Who's all grown up and can take care of hers..]ME]_

I was standing somewhat by now as our voices rose with each angry word and the world started to spin more..as I tried to convince him that I was fine even though we both knew that I was far from it..why should he be brought down by my own insecureness and weakness..nausea rose

_Both of you stop it now! [mom]_

_MOM! [BOTH]_

_Oh god I'm going to be..[ME]_

I ran to the bathroom and fell in front of the toilet as I emptied my stomach. Closing my eyes as I heaved over and over again..mom at some point placed a wet wash cloth over my head which provided some relief as I tossed everything in my stomach up over and over till I felt blackness come over me again.

**Nazi**

So this was a huge risk I was taking I mean skipping school which I have never done! Going all the way across Ca on like 5 different public buses to a part of La I had no idea where I was, when I had no idea if she would be home, the creepy looks I was getting from these older men were enough to almost make me call home, then I would see something some kind of add or hear a radio commercial that would remind me why I was doing this and I would keep going, nothing was coming between me and my dreams even taking the wrong bus twice, and running out of money..so okay I had to walk a lot more then I wanted to, by the time I got to where I thought I needed to be I was sweating hot scared soaked and hurting, and it was getting late so I knew school had to have called home already , thankfully mom had to be in the air already so I was free on that account dad well he wouldn't care anyway he'd tell them call mama my real prob my older brother when he got home and heard the answering machine messages from school he would be flipping.

Finally I got to the township but then it hit me I had no idea what her address was and only a vague remembrance of what the building looked like. So I started asking which earned me a lot of stares and questions which got me angry but I thought at last I got lucky and some sweet old lady let me inside..only she called the cops and said I was a runaway not totally true but still I ran..like hell..on wheels..out of breath I collapsed on the side walk miles away...I wanted so bad to close my eyes and cry I could feel my dreams slipping away..

_Yo lil sis are u alright?_

_Huh?[Me]_

Great my luck I'm about to be mugged...I could hear my mom now

_Girl what have I told ya about wondering_

_those streets?_

_Too many young punks out there thinking they thugs_

_where is your common sense child_

Yes mom I get it now too late...I opened my eyes expecting to see a gun or a knife but instead I saw the deepest pair of Hazel eyes I ever saw..he had the cutest dimples and this head of corn rows he was rocking the dopiest of outfits to straight of the racks of Sean John he held out his right hand his left was full of books heavy books taking it he pulled me up now normally I would be pissed at some boy I didn't know saying I was his lil sis like I was his but I was just glad to see a friendly face..

_You lost?_

_No I just love hanging round strange neighborhoods on_

_blistering hot days [me]_

_Ah a sense of humor I like that_

_I like common sense [me]_

_Alright ya got me_

_Cool [me]_

_So where u trying to go?_

_My friends house but I don't know her address_

_What's her name?_

_Mandy J_

_Fer real?_

_Yea [me]_

_You know her?_

_Yea she my neighbor_

_Thank god!_

_Boy u betta not be playin me either or fer sure_

_I'm gonna whip your ass_

_Alright calm down Lil' Homie_

_I ain't stupid man my mama didn't raise no fools_

_or lairs_

_Good cause my mama gonna whip my ass when she finds out I'm gone_

_whoa u didn't_

_nah I just really need to talk to Mandy today_

We walked for what seemed like forever but finally we got to the building just my luck it was a secure building thankfully he punched in the combo and we were in we rode up to his floor and went round the corner as a door flew open

_Marshall Bradshaw_

_Get your butt in here now! Boy u r late_

_Late means time which means money_

_Money I'm losing cause I ain't working_

_Why ain't I working cause I'm home waiting_

_For your trifling slow butt _

_Yes Ma'am_

_Well u know my name [Marshall]_

_Yea I'm Nazi [me]_

I tried not to laugh he was blushing like mad

_Mandy's across the hall _

He pointed

_Thanks [me]_

_Sure.._

_Mars..[HIS MOM]_

_Got to go see ya round [Marshall]_

_yea hopefully [me]_

Taking a deep breath I knocked loud voices were inside I was worried what if she said no I mean she had no real responsibility to me now camp was over. No answer I grew worried I was so hot and sticky thirsty and I had to pee bad..foot steps came closer and the door flew open a guy who had to be in his mid 20's answered..

_I'm sorry were not buying_

_It's not a good time_

_I'm here to see Mandy [me]_

_How do u know my sister?_

_We meet at Camp my names Nazi_

_pls I really need to talk to her..[me]_

_Like I said it's not a.._

_Garret let her in_

_But mom.._

_No buts don't be rude_

Her mom ushered me inside she was gorgeous I saw were Mandy got her looks from..

_What's wrong you look wrecked_

I wasted no time in telling them why I was there her mom let me freshen up as her and Mandy's brother went in the next room and I heard them arguing...as I came out of the bathroom I saw Mandy laying in bed her back was slightly turned to me so her face was only participially visible to me she looked feverish and very thin . Her hair was scattered all over the pillow, I saw her move slightly so I backed up fast and went into the next room, where I heard the argument louder

_It may do her good Garret [mom]_

_Or it may make her worse she can't even care for herself [Garret]_

_She needs someone to focus on_

_Anything to forget about what happened with miles [mom]_

_So your going to use this kid to experiment and hope Mandy _

_plays good girl and everything will be okay? [Garret]_

_Yes if it works and it helps my daughter I will do anything [Mom]_

_And what if it don't work? What about that kid? _

_She's young mom she has medical problems she needs someone who can_

_be in charge of her and care 4 her [Garret]_

_I'm not stupid young man I know that and she won't be alone [mom]_

_Well I can't do it mom I'm having enough problems balancing_

_my career and taking care of Mandy [Garret]_

_No kidding thats why she got into the mess she's into ,[mom]_

_Thats not my fault mom [Garret]_

_No it's hers she's a big girl she made those choices_

_But she needs help and maybe this kid can help her _

_She made a huge difference in her life this summer maybe now it'll_

_be what she needs. [mom]_

I felt funny spying so I went to the spare room and laid down exhausting was slowly going through me as I shifted a yawn my whole body was tense though I had to be given permission my whole career could ride upon this. Taking a deep breath I closed my eyes and slowly prayed..

_God of Light and Truth,  
Thank you for giving me  
A mind that can know  
And a heart that can love.  
Help me to keep learning every day of my life,  
For all knowledge leads to you.  
Let me be aware of your presence  
In all things and at all times.  
Encourage me when work is difficult  
And when I am tempted to give up;  
Encourage me when my brain seems slow  
And the way forward is difficult.  
Grant me the grace to put my mind to use  
Exploring the world you have created,  
Confident that in you there a wisdom  
That is real._

_Please lord I ask of ye give me _

_The blessings that I seek on this day_

_For comfort and shelter lead me into this world I have chosen_

_With courage and hope and allow me thy chance_

_To follow this divine path you have set out for me_

_I ask of thee but just a chance to prove myself  
Amen. _

At some point in the prayer I felt a peace a warmth come over me almost like hands reaching down to comfort me and I just knew inside it was going to work out smiling I cuddled myself and felt sleep take over me.

_Nazi sweetie wake up.._

_five more minutes mom..._

_I swear I'll take out the garbage.._

_baby..[laughter]_

_No need to do that just wake up_

_U don't want to be late for rent.._

_RENT!_

I shot up looking around as Mandy's face came into view she was smiling as she sat by me oblivious she'd been up and showered for a little while she looked amazing but so thin.

_We have to leave soon if u want to make it early [Mandy]_

_What are you.._

_I can..._

_Oh my god ..really? [me]_

_Yes sweetie of course u can stay [Mandy]_

_Oh my god thank you so much! [me]_

_Your welcome [Mandy]_

I threw my arms around her and she laughed hugging me holding me like I was her life line but I would take it cause she was mine because of her I could continue to chase after my dreams. She felt amazing to I had missed her so much her arms embraced me strong and steady rocking me. She smelled sweet like pineapples.

In the car she told me that she had talked to my mom who was pissed I skipped school and did what I did but she was relived I was safe and had found a place of course she told Mandy she was grounding me for life when I came home. Not looking forward to that one let me tell ya..but I'll take it.

It was great that she was working as a co-choreographer so it wasn't out of her way , now that I was here well the nerves set in big time could I handle Mimi could I handle the music keep up with the dance? Who were my co-stars would there be any ego's any one I hated? Any cute boys? Hey I am a American 13 year old girl OK! Warming up I stretched out on the stage as I got into a routine losing up every part of me..hearing the music in my head..as I always do I lost myself in the music and by the time I had come up the place was packed with actors on stage, stage directors the main director stage hands choreographers and musical directors band members..taking a deep breath I got up and worked out last minute cramps as the director and called us all over to center stage where he asked us to sit down and introduce ourselves and tell what character we were playing ...no one wanted to go first of course but I looked at Mandy who nodded as I stood and raised my hand he nodded at me so I took a deep breath and introduced myself which seemed to make everyone at ease next one of the boys stood up he was cute with curly red hair and blue eyes like Sapphire

_Hi my names Aaron Vernon_

_I'm 14 and I'm playing Marc _

Next was another boy who had light tan skin with deep chocolate eyes he was tall and lanky but not nerdy like ...he definitely worked out.

_Hey everyone_

_I'm Nelson Angel I'm 14_

_and I'm playing Angel_

That got a few laughs the boy next to him low fives him

_I'm Derron Marcello I'm 13_

_and I'm playing Collin_

_whew hottie! _

We laughed at one of the girls yells this out Derron who's average height with spiky brown hair that had different colors highlighted through I spotted purple ,blue ,pink and red he had green eyes and damn he was amazing looking. The girl who yelled had long red hair that flowed to her back and laid in

soft waves she had almost Grey eyes

_I'm Nina Holloway_

_I'm 16 and I am playing_

_Maureen _

_Yo was up everyone I'm Beth Ann O'Connor_

_I'm playing Jo Ann_

_No man your hot _

_Too bad I'm hotter! _

_Yea I know self absorbed and modest_

_and totally hot!_

_Oh yea I'm Yerevan Frankincense_

_I'm 15 and I'm Roger_

For the next hour we did improve which was awesome so funny and random I was laughing like crazy.

By the time we wrapped up though I was wearing down as we calmed down and took water breaks he went over our home school agenda. Mandy whispered to me she would help me since by then most parents had arrived.

After wards we went out for pizza and soda we really started to talk and laugh I was so excited for this ,I knew this would be amazing.

By the time we got to go home I was beat but Mandy had me talking and we blasted music as she drove home, of course I was wide awake by the time we got home so we decided to work on some vocal excises I grabbed drinks and she went to the piano when I got there she was looking sad and didn't see me right away , when she did there were tears in her eyes she didn't try to hide them and when I came over I saw the picture on her piano was of miles looking absolutely amazing laying down in a field with sunlight streaming over her face which is turned towards the camera she was smiling at something off in the distance which Mandy said was her taking the picture sighing I went over and put my hands on her shoulders she tried to cover her tears but I put my arms over her shoulders she rested her chin on my head and whispered that it was okay to cry..she wouldn't however just started to play a beautiful melody taking deep breaths to control herself she started to sing..

_I'll always see your face  
The corner of your smile  
And all the little things that no one will ever know  
Like it was yesterday, won't ever fade away  
Goodbye is just a word that I will never say_

You will never be forgotten  
A million days could pass us by  
But what is time but just a dream  
Oh I still feel you here with me  
You're more than a memory  
Oh you will never be forgotten

I can't hold your hand  
Or look into your eyes  
And when I talk to you  
It just echoes in my mind  
But If hearts are made of dust  
And if we fell from the stars  
I look up tonight and know just where you are  


I joined in with her our voices blended together nicely and it stretched my vocals out which is what I needed to play Mimi.

_  
You will never be forgotten  
A million days could pass us by  
But what is time but just a dream  
Oh I still feel you here with me  
You're more than a memory  
Oh you will never be forgotten_

And the world just keeps on going  
It has no way of knowing  
That you're gone

You will never be forgotten  
A million days could pass us by  
But what is time but just a dream  
Oh I still feel you here with me  
You're more than a memory  
Oh you will never be forgotten 

Never be Forgotten by Jessica Andrews


	36. Chapter 36 Do You Think About Me?

**MILEY'S P O V**

a/n ~~ means flashbacks r dreams

" _MILEY HOW'S THE MOVIE ?_

_WHEN'S IT DUE OUT?_

_WHAT CAN WE EXPECT IS THIS GEARED _

_TOWARDS YOUR YOUNG FANS? [REPORTER]_

Flashes were going off all around me as the paps yelled shoving to get to me fans were lined up screaming trying to grab at me I stopped and signed as many autographs as I could and posed for pictures taking off my sunglasses smiling and giving out hugs ,I was surrounded in seconds as Brandi who had flown back in today kept me at arms length protecting me ..

_Uh it's good thanks should be out by April I believe_

_It's geared towards a older audience but my core fans_

_Can still watch it I would never want to lose them [me]_

_Miles how long have u and Nick been back together? [Reporter]_

_Were friends that's all [me]_

_So it's not true that u were kissing ? [reporter]_

_No comment [me]_

I pushed through the doors and breathed a sigh of relief as the doors closed the reporters out mom was by my side as she talked on her cell and lead me to the next interview , Brandi was rubbing my back as I cracked my neck exhausting was creeping through my whole body a crazed fan came running at me screaming my name following her were like 50 or more fans .I tensed up Brandi and mom squeezed me between them as security came running quickly we were escorted into the elevator , my heart was racing as I leaned against my sissy closing my eyes the doors swooshed shut as I heard the crush of bodies and security yelling mixed with the screams of fans some crying , opening my eyes I looked up at her

_You okay sweetie? [Brandi]_

_Yea it's just so strange being_

_Known all over the world [me]_

_Yea I know what u mean but hey at least_

_It means your doing a great job [Brandi]_

_Hope so..[me]_

Sighing I closed my eyes again as we kept rising her hand kept rubbing my back the doors opened and we stepped out the room was a buzz of activity people rushing around setting up for interviews and photo -shoots interns raced around getting last minute details hammered out a young women in her mid 30's came rushing up dressed in a yellow business skirt and white blouse and yellow blazer her hair was in a messed up bun..

_Miley Ray hello I'm Celina Montez _

_Melinda's assistant let me take you to where_

_She wants to do the interviews_

_Okay thanks I'm miley's manger Tish [mom]_

_You'll have to wait outside...[Celina]_

_I'm also her mother...[mom]_

_Oh well your welcome to join us were happy 2 have u [Celina]_

_Bitch [Brandi muttered mom eyed her but smiled]_

As we were lead to a room I wondered what the huge rush was she seemed eager to get us out of the hall my throat was once again hurting and I started to feel like everything was rushing at me, my legs were like two lead weights my head was hurting and I was just plain tired, leaning my head on Brandi's shoulder she placed her arm around my waist and held me up. Finally I was able to sit down as mom went off to discuss a layout Brandi went to call her room mate Megan .I leaned against the wall and closed my eyes damn I wished for Manderz she would know just what I needed and not need for words..deep breaths calmed me down just in time to hear

_Ah did u hear we have that slut here today_

_No who?_

_Miley yuck I can't believe they let_

_That bitch in here_

_She needs to go to hell_

_She's disgusting she has no talent_

_And she's a total snob_

_Oh I didn't know she was here_

_Great I have to deal with her fake ass_

_I feel so bad for Selena_

_Having to put up with her_

My throat burned hotter as my face heated up my hands were shaking. I hate people who judge me just because of me being a celebrity they don't know me and they think they can say anything. I needed someone without thinking I dialed her number no answer I left a message... Clenching my fists I tried to breath deeper as Brandi came in and saw that I was upset she knelled by me

_Baby what's wrong?[Brandi]_

_Talk to me hon what happened?_

_Are you sicker? Do u feel like u _

_Will throw up?_

I did by that point but taking a deep breath I looked at her and smiled

_No it's just.._

Swallowing I sighed and decided

_I started thinking about Mandy I miss her_

_So damn much it hurts so bad [me]_

_Aw sweetie _[Brandi brushing my hair back_]_

_I know it hurts but you have to let her go_

_If u don't want to call her _

_I did [me]_

_When? [Brandi]_

_Awhile ago left a message _

_She never called back [_me as I started to cough_]_

_Maybe Nicky didn't give it to her ]Brandi]_

_Try her again babe_

_Or get over her _

_U can't keep beating yourself up like this_

_You made a mistake if she can't forgive u_

_Then u need to let her go..u don't_

_Deserve this I love u babe and u know_

_I love her 2 death but u need to relax and_

_Give yourself time to heal and move on_

_Find someone who will love u enough to forgive_

_Your mistakes [Brandi]_

_Thanks Brandz_

_Sure hon their ready need to wash up?_

_Yea [me]_

After a quick wash up I went out mom came over I knew Brandi had talked to her so I was glad I didn't tell her the truth she would of flipped out. Hugging me she asked if I needed any time which I said I didn't so we went inside.

_Hello miles I'm Melinda _

_I'm with Dreamland productions_

_We want to thank u so much for proportionating in this_

_Concert it means a lot to the kids who will benefit_

_Oh thank u for asking me it's awesome to be part of such a great cause [me]_

_Do u need anything before we start? [Melinda]_

_No I'm good thanks_

In truth I needed a bed so bad I wanted to curl up and go to sleep forever..or at least in till my body gave me back my strength trying to surpass the urge to cough .I kept taking deep breaths feeling the sweat dripping down my back, my face felt hot my throat felt swollen as Melinda started with the questions..

After what seemed like years we wrapped up..all I wanted was to go back to the hotel and relax in a bath and a bed, but that wasn't happening. I still had 8 more interviews a photo shot and a concert that night as we came out of the room I was busy checking my phone to see if she called back..''_come on Mandy please call" _BAM I didn't even see the wall in front of me till I was flat on my back looking up ..the wall grunted ..I knew that grunt..

_Selena..[me]_

Her eyes were cold and she looked like she had been trapped

_Destiny..[Selena]_

Swallowing I went to get up just as we were ambushed by several photogs we put our hands up screaming as security rushed over... wow she was mad no one ever calls me by my real name..

_Selena I just wanted to say I'm sorry _

_What happened was wrong and I regret it so much [me]_

_Save it miles I don't care anymore_

_Nick and I are over u can have him [Selena]_

_I don't want him [me]_

_Of course u do [Selena]_

_You've always wanted him and he's always wanted u_

_I was a fool to think we had something_

_He's yours..take him..don't take him_

_As far as I'm concerned u 2 deserver each other [Selena]_

_Selena please just give me..[me]_

_I've given u enough miley damn what do u want from me?_

_I'm sorry okay I want to forgive u I do I want what we_

_Use to have but I just can't u 2 hurt me 2 bad this time [Selena]_

_I know we did and I will do anything to make up for it [me]_

_Save it u don't care about me u want Mandy to forgive u [Selena]_

_U want what u had with her but she hates u miley_

_And why wouldn't she you promised her the world and_

_What did u do u ripped her heart to shreds _

_Your nothing but a liar and a slut_

_And I want nothing to do with any of it_

My breathing was coming fast and hard now as we were both fighting back the tears I saw the flash in her eyes as she pushed me away I tried to grab her almost ripping her yellow top she shoved me again ..

_Ladies can we get a photo op [Melinda]_

We both stopped and looked up trying to clean ourselves up and sighed as her assistant who's name I couldn't remember positioned us arms wrapped around each other hers was tense as they snapped pic after pic telling us to smile this way look over there hug the other one...it made me sick and I knew she was feeling the same

_So Selena tell me what's it like being best friends with _

_Two of the hottest stars on Disney? [Melinda]_

_Oh it's great miles and Demi are super sweet and I know_

_I can always go to them for anything [Selena]_

She smiled super sweet at me as cameras went off I blinked still stung at her words which were dead on accurate everyone was looking at me for a response. I saw her eyes they were anything but smiling the hatred in them could burn Satan himself..

_Do miley and Demi teach u anything? [Melinda]_

_Oh yes I learn from them all the time [Selena]_

_Can u give us a example? [Melinda]_

_Sure miles teaches me what it means to be a role model_

_She shows me in every way how to be what's important_

_Like loyalty to your friends and family honesty_

_Hard work and staying the same_

_Thanks Selena ever so gracious as always [Melinda]_

_Thank u..[Selena]_

_Miles Sweetie your up [Selena]_

She smiled at me as I stepped forward and placed a hand on my arm I tried bot to tense as I took a deep breath..

another photo was taking..

_Miles dear what's it like being the top teen at Disney_

_Do u feel pressure to hold your throne?_

_No not at all you know Disney makes it that were all treated the same_

_Their very fair and they allow us all to do our own thing_

_So we never feel like it's a competition_

_So there's never any bad vibe between any of u?_

_No not at all we all respect each other and we _

_Generally care about the others feelings _

_No boys?_

I looked at her and we both laughed even though we were both nervous about this

_No boys who has time for boys? [both]_

_We would never let a boy come in between us_

_Yea u know boys are whatever [me]_

_Friends are forever! [Selena]_

_Thank u ladies..thats a wrap [Melinda]_

Everyone cleared out as I cracked my neck

_Thank god that's over [Selena]_

_I hate u miley I swear to fucking god if I never see your lying_

_Pathetic boy stealing ass ever again it will be fine with me_

I was taking back at the sudden harshness in her voice and the fire in her eyes

_We may have to work together but I will never ever trust u again_

_Selena..[me]_

_Don't Selena me maybe someday Mandy will forgive u_

_But I will never[Selena]_

_Selena I really do care about u..[me]_

_Well don't cause u caring means hurting_

_I would never wish your kind of caring on anyone_

_If you think your love is good you need to check out what _

_Your love costs people [Selena]_

_What are you talking about? [me]_

_Ask Mandy ...[Selena]_

_Mandy what about her? Is she okay?_

_What do u know?[me]_

_I know that u destroyed her..[Selena]_

_Selena! Miley!_

Our moms came up both looking pissed

_Lets go! [moms]_

Mom came up and grabbed me pulling me away still in shock could I seriously have hurt my Mandy? I saw mom flash Selena a look as she pushed me in front Brandi prevented me from looking back not that I wanted to her face was burned into my memory. Everything was a blur her words rung in my head, the day flew by but my energy never seemed to improve by the time I arrived at the venue I was exhausted and in no mood to socialize but I had a meet and greet to get ready for a radio interview and pictures to pose for yea to say I was not feeling this would be a understatement , going into the bathroom I felt a wave of dizziness hit me as I washed up grabbing the sink I sighed and thought about Mandy again I saw her smile in my mind and fought the urge to cry, sniffling I brushed away a few tears that did escape. Mom called to me so I stripped down and washed up with no shower it was the best I could do.

A long day equaled a long night as I posed for more pics and answered more questions when I meet the fans I put on my best smile and hugged them talking with them my young ones were so cute and kept hugging me and telling me how much they loved me which warmed my heart.

As I went on stage that night that kept me going and the fact that I love to preform, my dancers were awesome and got me so energized I was flying on stage forgetting that I felt sick..but thoughts of Mandy still invaded me She should be up here and I missed looking at her sharing private jokes..with just a glance but at least it wasn't because of me I took comfort in that...but not much..

By the time I got back to the tour bus it was late and mom was already harping on me to go to bed..my head was killing me and I felt horrible again...stripping down I couldn't believe how hot I was grabbing a ton of wash cloths I went to give myself a bath..yes and they say being a pop star is all glamor ..try washing in a 2 by 4 bathroom with a little mirror and a port a toilet..plopping my leg up on the sink I started which is when I saw the bruises covering my legs .I tried to remember where I got them but couldn't ..maybe I'm to tired I told myself but still it troubled me..must get some cover up from my dancers..

Mom came in to kiss me goodnight so I hide the bruises from her she kept asking me if I was alright and I hated lying..but she was stressed already she always is on tour. I didn't want to add to her stress I loved her way to much and I hated knowing my career caused her stress. As she held me I wondered if she would ever know just how much she meant to me. Her hands caressed my back relaxing me.

_Momma can u cuddle with me? [me]_

_of course baby [mom]_

Yes I'm 16 and I still like to cuddle so sue me..no wait ..don't..just deal with it..mom wrapped her arms around me and I felt safe like nothing bad could touch me. At some point in the night I awoke with my heart pounding so hard I thought it would explode my head was in agonizing pain it hurt to even turn my neck, I was sweating but shivering at the same time, great I'm getting sick again just what I needed. No matter how much I covered up I still felt cold mom was fast asleep by me, after tossing and turning for what seemed like hours I got up and went into the living room with a heated blanket and my cell I was desperate to hear Mandy's voice..curling up on the couch I closed my eyes I knew her number by heart. It rang and rang before I got

_I'm sorry the number you have called is_

_disconnected_

My heart stopped cold and I felt the nausea rising up why would she disconnect her number? Did she hate me that much that she never wanted to speak to me ever again? My hands shock my breathing was rapid was she okay? Did something happen? Someone would of told me they would of! My head started pounding harder Mandy had issues from her past but she had fought hard and overcame them she wouldn't slip again just cause of what I did..would she? Trying to swallow I fought back the urge to panic but even swallowing was difficult..there had to be a reason why she changed her number..but why? It was a total pain to change it she had so many friends who were celebs it was a nightmare to change she had to do it once I remember it took her months to get half of it straightened out she was so pissed off. But she looked so cute! She swore back then she would never get it changed again...so why? Did I hurt her that bad? She could of just blocked me was she trying to hurt me back by sending me this hint that she hated me? A shiver ran through my whole body as tears fell from my eyes...I watched as the world flew by it despite the dark I could still see greens browns all mixed together , silence surrounded me which normally would make me happy but tonight it was making me crazy staring at my cell for the longest time I went through the numbers but everyone was based in La which was hours behind us I didn't want to call anyone and wake them , tossing it aside I curled up and pulled the blanket around me coughing I fought off the urge to puke and instead willed myself to think of happier thoughts..

_~~~~OH My God Manderz look at this dress isn't it gorge?[Me]_

_Where are you? [Mandy]_

_over here! [me]_

I was buried inside racks of the most amazing dresses ..Mandy was fighting to get through as dresses hit her in the face I was laughing like crazy..she had the cutest most frustrated look on her beautiful face her hair pulled back just slightly it was the craziest of hottest days in La we had been driving for hours trying to find dresses to wear to the golden globes designers were lining up to dress us but we just couldn't find the right ones..finally in this store we were having better luck..as I was browsing through this rack I saw the perfect dress it was gold with shimmery sliver in it and clung to my body it barely covered my chest but it felt right ..just not for the golden globes ..I wanted it...I knew she would agree ..trying to stay out of sight of the paps who had lined up the sidewalk I hide behind the rack waiting for her watching her she was tired I could see how she moved but she looked amazing in an all white tank top that showed off her amazing curves a pair of white splattered jean shorts and ankle boots that showed off her amazing toned tanned legs.

_Miles where are.._

_ta da!_

I stepped out of the rack and saw the look on her face from shock to disbelief to wow! Grinning I went over and spun for her she grabbed my hand and checked me out from every direction..speechless..looking around saw we were truly alone so I leaned up and kissed her lips ..

_U like? [me]_

_Very much..[Mandy]_

_Good this is what I plan to wear on our wedding day [me]_

_What? U …_

_Shh..already on it..[me]_

Her hands caressed me as I sunk into her arms her breathing was rapid as I laid my head on her chest .her heartbeat made me feel excited and safe..

After I bought the dress we finished shopping went back to my place throwing the packages on my bed we went down to make some food..checking her cell she started to laugh at something and of course I got insecure

_What are u laughing at? [me]_

_Nothing .._

_So why did u look up at me and laugh?_

_I didn't your paranoid_

_Am not!_

_Are to!_

_Let me see_

_No way!_

She held the phone away as I went to snatch it and jumped up looking at me she laughed

_I knew that had to be something of me_

_Give me that! [me]_

_No way!_

_Come get me u want it! [Mandy]_

_Oh your dead![me]_

My dogs barked as we chased each other laughing her long hair flying as she lead the way jumping over a lawn chair which laid in her path as we got on the porch Noie and Em were laying in two soaking up the sun both screamed as we went flying past Noah grabbed a water gun

_Blast her Noie! [me]_

_I got her ! [Noah]_

To clarify when my cute lil 9 y o sister says this she means she got me as I learned when a blast of swooshing blinding cold water was shot into my eyes shivering. I stopped running and turned as she yelled " _Run Mandy Run! _Mandy for her part just stared at us laughing covering her mouth as I charged Noah who took off running screaming

_I'm gonna get u you little brat! [me]_

_He...e..e..el..l..l..p..p..p...p! [Noah]_

_Daddy! Daddy! [Noah]_

_What's going on out here bud [Dad]_

I was inches away from getting the little brat when BAM Mandy grabbed me and pulled me back hard I stumbled and crashed right into the pool

_Not the hair! Oh Crispy creatures! [dad]_

He ran and covered his hair as I came up spitting out water shivering the water was freezing which she knew cause she was laughing her ass off, quickly I tried to grab her she jumped back and shock her finger at me running as I tried to splash her she was enjoying watching as I dove in and swam after her ..so busy looking at me she failed to see Tex laying at the end until Crash right into the pool she fell now it was my turn to laugh but instead I pounced on her tickling her and kissing her making her laugh.

Exhausted we lay on the grass cuddling brushing our hair back we kissed and held each other..Dad brought out snacks for us and we sat and watched as the stars came out..at some point Mandy made a comment about the stars being perfect lighting for dancing which prompted my dad to take her hands and start to dance .I laughed but I enjoyed it I saw mom looking on as they shared a dance mom was prob thinking as I was preparation for our reception Dad would be dancing with his new daughter in law..his hands were so big he didn't fit into hers but they looked amazing so tall and heads held high as they spun and twirled her hair flowed catching the moon light her green eyes glowed bright she well she looked breathtaking .I just laid and watched..in till dad jerked his head for me to get up Mandy extended her hand so I took it her fingers long and delicate smooth the three of us danced as moonlight spilled over our shoulders her heartbeat echoed in my ear as I laid my head on her chest. I'm not overly mussy for candle lights and stuff like that..but this left a lump in my throat long after..as we lay in bed and discussed what our dream wedding would be like who would be there and what we would have where it would be..how big...laying in her arms the world felt right...I prayed it would always feel that way.~~

_Miles sweetie what's going on? [Brandi]_

She got up and came over looking tired and as she slide by me and placed her arms around me laying my head on her chest her heartbeat calmed me down

_Couldn't sleep I just keep thinking about her [me]_

_Mandy? [Brandi]_

_Yes I miss her so..much.._

_Call her..[Brandi]_

_I did.._

_And? [Brandi]_

_Disconnected _

_Call her house_

_Didn't think about it..[me]_

_Wait till the morning and call_

_I bet she misses u 2 how can she not.._

_Cause I cheated on her and broke her heart [me]_

_You made a mistake it happens_

_Maybe she needs time to sort it all out I can imagine she's hurt_

_And has to work out her feelings [Brandi]_

_I am so worried about her I hope she's okay_

_I'm sure she is but keep trying _

_It's so hard though I feel useless and like it doesn't matter [me]_

_Here's something to think about hon [Brandi]_

_I am speaking now of the highest duty we owe our friends,_

_The noblest, the most sacred—that of keeping their _

_Own nobleness, goodness, pure and incorruption. . . . _

_If we let our friend become cold and selfish and_

_Exacting without a remonstrance, we are no true lover, no true friend.  
- Harriet Beecher Stowe _

She stroked my hair and I closed my eyes as I felt myself start to drift off to sleep thinking about what she had said .

Days passed and I still felt lousy but being on stage every night helped so much seeing my fans scream for me cheer for me and yelling their love lifted me. Finally I was in Washington DC and after a round of interviews I felt my excitement grow as the hours started to decrees in till I could see Ella 5..4..3..2..

Finally one interview left stretching out I took a long sip of water as they prepared.

_Momma can we go?_

_Soon darling she's still in school_

_We have at least an hour and a half calm down [mom]_

_Okay sorry it's so hard.._

_I know babe lets just get some sight seeing in first_

_Yea I wanna see the Washington mt [Noah]_

Noah was dancing around crazy along with Emily Grace while mom and Aunt Edi tried to calm them down but I was feeling like I didn't belong there like my body was there but my mind was somewhere else then I heard the music and looked over a strong grip came over me

_Can I got to the church over there mom? [me]_

_Okay sweetie take Brandi with you [mom]_

She took my hand and we walked across the street the bells rung out it looked amazing standing tall and demanding respect as the light fell softly on it like it was god christening the church himself.

Inside a christening was going on I watched as the baby wiggled and laughed as the water was dripped down hearing the priests words of life love and new hope..we went to a further side and lite a candle Brandi crossed herself as she slide down and silently started to pray..I stood for awhile watching the light from the candle dance across the candles it was a eerie glow organ music played in the back round .I was stuck I had such a strong urge to come in here but now I couldn't figure out what did I pray for? Closing my eyes I breathed out slowly steady panic rising inside of me I felt like screaming ..

_My child is there something I can help you with?_

I jumped trying not to scream or cuss as a hand laid gently but heavy on my shoulder

_uh no I um just need to .._

_What is it that brought you here?_

_Don't know just felt .._

_Why don't u take some time and think if u need anything_

_I will be right over there.._

_Thanks_

Sitting down I cleared my head and let the thoughts untangle till only one remained Mandy plain and simple I loved her ..so I just prayed for her safety and forgiveness.

**MANDY P O V**

_Homework young lady_

_yes..s..uh..h..[Nazi]_

_Let's do it then and get it over with_

_Okay sweet then can we play a game? [Nazi]_

_Of course I'll start dinner_

_Great what are we having? ]nazi]_

_Chicken over rice_

_Good my fav..[Nazi]_

As she went to get her homework I sighed and headed into the bathroom she put on the music so I took it as my chance to grab my bottle of hidden jack swallowing half the bottle the warm liquid burned going down but warmed me up calming me. The days had fallen into the same routine we woke up early and went for a jog had breakfast which I never ate and showered then went to rehearsals I dropped her off at 8am , my days were a whirlwind between dance classes rehearsals vocal classes meetings recording sessions planning sessions writing we usually went till late like 10 or 11 pm but so did her rehearsals so when we got home it was homework and dinner, today was a treat For her we were both done by 8 and had extra time..days like this were hell for me yes I loved spending extra time with her she helped me in so many ways..but these days also gave me time to think about miles which made me crazy..they drove me to the edge and I felt like I was crawling out of my skin drinking helped no matter what anyone said swallowing. I fought against the urge to cry as I swallowed another gulp and another. Closing my eyes I took deep breaths, after I finished the bottle and peed . I sprayed my mouth, I went out. Nazi was busy doing her homework and didn't look up as I started dinner.

_Aren't the TeenPixs on tomorrow night? [Nazi]_

_Yea we should be home by then [me]_

_Can we stay up and watch them? [Nazi]_

_Sure sweetie.._

_I love those shows are they as awesome in real life?_

_Uh yea even better wait till u get famous and u dance on that stage [me]_

_You really think it can happen? [Nazi]_

_Of course if your willing to work hard and u believe it can happen [me]_

_I will I am! [Nazi]_

_Then yes but first u have to finish your homework eat your dinner [me]_

_I can't eat it! [Nazi]_

_Why ? [me]_

_Cause your too busy yakking_

_and not enough making [Nazi]_

I started to laugh as she threw a dish towel at me a small smile started to spread on my face as I shock my head.

_I will start cooking but first I have to make a call[me]_

Mom was watching this all from the table with Nazi I knew she thought I was healing and in a way she was right I didn't go out clubbing or do drugs I wasn't having sex..but still inside of me I was feeling lost and alone..

**Miley's p o v**

Teen pix awards I use to watch these growing up and imagine what it would be like to be on stage and sing my own songs. Now I was living that dream this was my 5 th year preforming there and my 7th nominated, Ella was sitting besides me on the plane in shock looking around

_I can't believe I'm on my way to the Teen Pix awards! [Ella]_

_Ah thank u so much miles!_ [Ella]

She threw her arms around me and hugged me I smiled hugging her back

_No problem sweetie [me]_

She looked around I love kids they don't hide their shock or amazement every emotion plays out in real time..

_I can't believe mom let me come! _

_How did u convince her? [Ella]_

_I asked my mom and no one says no to her! [me]_

_Even you?[Ella]_

_Are you crazy? I live with her! Even I'm not that rebellious_

_Thank god darling Brandi was enough for a lifetime! [mom]_

_Hey! [Brandi]_

We laughed I was glad though that I was able to surprise her up until today/ I wasn't even suppose to be there I was suppose to be in Toronto preforming for a TV show but I was asked last night after a cancellation so we had to do a lot of juggling but I got two extra tickets in addition to my normal amounts so Ella could join us I surprised her when I picked her up today . Still one thing bothered me I called her house again no answer big surprise sighing since this was like the thousand time. I called I left another message telling her I loved her and I was sorry and needed to see her and I would never speak to nick ever again unless it was work related.

**Mandy's p o v**

_Oh my freaking god thank u so much for these Ashlee_

_it will mean so much to Nazi! [Me]_

_no problem sweetie.._

_I want to show them to her like now _

_we need to get together though asap [me]_

_we will I'll call u as soon as I get off tour [Ashlee]_

_how is she? [me]_

_um yea well u know I don't feel right getting in the middle of this_

_your both my friends and I love u both_

_please I just want to know is she okay? [me]_

_I still love her Ash and I want the best for her [me]_

I tried to fight off the tears she grabbed my arm and squeezed it

_She's doing well Mandy that's all I can say she is my boss_

_yea I know thanks..[me]_

I wasn't sure why but even though I was happy for her a part of me was mad how could she just go on living when she wrecked my heart? Sighing I put it out of my head after all she was just one person there were so many others in my life who loved me and wanted me to be healthy and cared enough to stick around.

At home I quickly took a shower blasting Black eyed peas getting out I looked at the bottle it was calling to me I could taste it in my mouth..but taking a deep breath I grabbed it and poured it out..

_Mandy? [mom]_

_Yea I'm coming _

Mom had decided to drive me to where Nazi was rehearsing so she could have time to get ready the limo was picking us up there, and taking us to the teen pix awards.

**Ashlee's p o v**

Sighing I watched Mandy walk away I hated lying to her I wanted to tell her that miles was aching for her and wanted her back and that she was a mess but miles made us all swear if we ever saw her we wouldn't say anything that we would play it as if we were talking to the press. It was wrong but she was my boss and she was only 16 she needed protection more then Mandy did. As I was walking away my phone vibrated snatching it up I saw it was my agency I was suppose to have off till the tour resumed next week..

_Hello? _

_Ashlee it's Maria From Dance World La_

_Yes.._

_We've just been informed by Miley that she will be preforming_

_Tonight at the Teen pix awards and needs her dancers to be ready for _

_Rehearsals by 2 pm_

_Okay.._

Inside I was saying **no no no it's not okay ah!** Crap where was she? I took off running but by the time I got outside she was gone .I kicked the ground cussing what was I suppose to say anyway? U can't go cuz the one who broke your heart was going to be there? If she went though and miles saw her she would crumble if it happened before she went on she was screwed she'd never be able to preform or present. I didn't want that either she was so sweet and she was just a kid.

**Ella's p o v**

Okay so yes I was in shock! It was so huge! Her house was amazing we were currently laying in her room as she went through dresses that designers had rushed over for us to try on and all I could do was stare at everything in every room. She was beyond sweet though and didn't make fun of me once she seemed to enjoy it laughing at my expressions.

As she was holding up dresses for me to try on I got a text glancing at it quick I smiled

oh my god! Oh my god!

oh my god oh my god! Oh my god!

oh my god! oh my god! Oh my god!

Oh my god!!oh my god! Oh my god!

Oh my god!oh my god! Oh my god!

oh my god! Oh my god!

I'm going to Teen pix!

Nazi what a character I couldn't believe it though she was going to be there quickly I saw Miles was talking to her hair dresser and makeup artiest so I text ed back

awesome me 2 we need 2

meet up who r u going with? [me]

Mandy [Nazi]

omg I'm wit miles [me]

sweet we need 2 fix them ^ [Nazi]

fer sure [me]

_Ella..[miles]_

_coming [me]_

We didn't make it by rehearsals so we were flying solo but she seemed perfectly fine as we did the red carpet which despite being my second time .I was nervous and I wasn't doing anything expect smiling when she would point to me , I was by her mom and her Pr Linda who kept telling me to smile and stay quite. She was a bit rude but I knew she was paid to look after miles so that's what she was doing.

I watched as she did all the interviews amazed she kept everything straight she knew names and where they were from knew a lot of their families, she posed for pics answered fans signed autographs. She blew me away, she introduced me to a lot of her famous friends. I was speechless when I met Taylor who was breathtakingly gorgeous and so sweet they talked and hugged squealed and made plans to get together in the next city they were to be in at the same time all in minutes this was done. Inside it was jammed celebrities mingled as workers tried to keep everything in order kids were screaming lining the sidewalks beyond the rope .I was shocked and so happy.

Miley took my hand and we went back stage so she could change ..the music was amazing the whole show was awesome I laughed when Joe dressed as a girl walked on stage in heals to present an award to Usher who looked at him like what the..then Carrie explained how he lost a dare to Nick who then came out dressed as a cow I saw miles reaction to all of this she was laughing at Joe glaring at Nick...

Backstage was crazy we saw Laura who hugged me and asked me how I had been she seemed to tense up at miles but she gave her a hug and of course she asked about Mandy. Laura told her she was doing fine and she was taking classes TBA were going far and she was happy she seemed to be rubbing her face into it. Miles took it and seemed relived then she excused herself to do a interview .She was talking to someone from a magazine when her mom came up she ended the interview quickly

_Baby they asked that you do one more performance [mom]_

_Sure what do I preform? [miles]_

_Uh it's a duet..[mom]_

_Oh cool with who?_

_Tay tay? Carrie_

_No nick and his bros _

_What no way! Uh huh!_

_Baby the earnings will go to_

_Mac's camp_

_Great so if I say no the kids lose out_

_Basically [mom]_

_You don't have to do it sweetie if he makes u that uncomfortable_

_We can say no I never want u to feel like u have to do this_

_It's your choice [ her mom brushed her hair back stroking her face]_

_You look flushed is your heart okay? You feel sick?_

_No I'm fine..I know I don't have to_

_But the kids need the money I'll do it..besides it's my job_

As we stood backstage to watch her I saw her tense up as he approached her they talked quietly she looked stressed..the boys went on first . I went over to her and hugged her she smiled but I saw her eyes looking worried and distracted. As soon as she got on stage though she seemed to relax and let the music take over her and Nick reacted to the song playing off each other. I hated to admit it but it was evident the bond they had smiles they shared and little looks they gave each other they knew what the other was doing before they did it.

Afterwards she left him behind running as fast as she could he chased her down and cornered her .I didn't want to follow but I was feeling really scared she was really upset I could see the tears welling up..their words were soft so no one else would hear but I heard the desperation in his the pleading the hurt in hers and the disbelief..the anger..her face went into shock as he pulled something out and showed her I couldn't see what it was but she went pale as a sheet and looked like she was going to bust into tears her lower lip trembled as he held her arm tight. Her back was towards me now as he whipped her around and suddenly planted a huge full on kiss on her lips forcing his tongue into hers as he grabbed her butt squeezing it so hard she squeaked a bit ..a gasp filled the air as I turned to see Nazi and Mandy standing there her eyes traveled to them her chest seemed to be rising faster then humanly possible she swallowed as if trying not to get ill tears welled up fast Nazi looked at me confused. I shrugged why wasn't miles pushing him off? Mandy looked 8 shades paler she grabbed Nazi's hand and spun ..then she came back looked past me and speed to miles grabbing her miles jumped back so fast she almost lost balance she looked shocked at Nick horrified and disgusted covering her mouth she looked up and saw Mandy there..speechless stumbling she tried to grab Mandy's arm but she smacked it away looking her dead in the eyes..her voice when she spoke was low and almost growled

_That's it Miley Ray I'm done listening to anything that _

_Comes out of your lying mouth_

_Don't call me don't e-mail me don't text me_

_Leave me the fuck alone_

_I'm done I'm moving on! _

_Go have your fun with this idiot but do__** not **_ _call me_

_When he breaks your heart again cause I won't be there [Mandy]_

_Mandy please I have to explain..let go of me Nick! [miles]_

She was full out crying now as she shock him off and grabbed at Mandy who pushed her away

_don't touch me! _

_I told you I had enough I believed in you over and over _

_and u lied again![Mandy]_

_Mandy I didn't lie..I...[miles]_

_SLAP.._

Mandy's hand slide across Miley's face we were all stunned a crowd had gathered. I swallowed I didn't want miles to have to endure this but I was powerless to stop it. She stepped back so fast she miss stepped and her heal broke sending her crashing into the floor. Everyone gasped as Mandy spun and ran out as miley's mom and sister came running as a few others came over to help her up , Nick just stared at Mandy's retreating figure he had a evil grin on his face as I knelled by her helping her up along with Vanessa and Ashley who looked stunned putting their arms around her we helped her up people were staring and whispering camera's were being shoved in her face reporters getting it all on film. She buried her head in her moms shoulder trying to fight off the tears her chest heaving. We got her away and she seemed to collapse in her mom and Brandi's arms Megan her roommate and the one of the stars of secret life came over putting her arm around mile's back just as Fergie came running up

_miley just won for best female actress who's going to accept?_

It seemed silly unimportant given what had just happened but it was business as normal for them her mom went to speak but miley stood up almost like a robot and brushed past us all as we stood shocked she went out brushing off her tears her makeup artiest went and touched her up step by step with her. Fergie looked at us shocked and helpless mouthing sorry, her mom nodded and took my hand we went to the side .I saw her dad in the audience with the rest of the cast who were clueless as to what had just went down as far as I knew. Miley accepted it from Beyonce smiling and started her thank you speech first she thanked god her parents her siblings the kids at camp she mentioned me which I was shocked at then she thanked her fans and her friends and took a deep breath as she swallowed and said

_I just want to thank all my fans for sticking by me_

_and defending me and to please tell the ones u love_

_that u love them don't assume there will be tomorrow_

_cause there may not be you don't know what u got till you don't have it _

_anymore so please make sure the ones u love know it_

_sometimes life doesn't give u many chances_

_and u have to do what u have to even if it feels wrong_

_but don't ever lose that chance_

_even if u think they don't think they want to hear it say it_

_Mandy I'm sorry I was a self fish stupid fool and I lost the one person_

_who always believed in me I love u and I am so .._

_excuse me..[ _she started to break_]_

_I'm sorry ..thank you to everyone for this it means so much to me_

_I love u all.._

She blew out kisses and bowed as she took off ..

When we got back to the plane she curled up in a ball and cried herself to sleep...I tried to hug her but her mom pulled me away and shock her head. I hated seeing her in so much pain or hearing her tears but I got it she needed to feel this and deal with it on her own. In Nashville we went straight to their house she went to her room and curled up in bed..I sat with her family in the dining room and they asked me to explain what had happened. I felt like a little kid who had to confess their wrongs .I felt so guilty that I had any part in this now I knew why people said stay out of grownup business ..her mom however hugged me and told me it was sweet I had tried to help but for now on I had to leave it alone and let them work it out , Brandi looked angry I wanted to ask her but she got up and went to her room I wondered if they would work it out. I slept very restlessly that night at one am I called Nazi's cell she answered right away I could tell she had been crying

_I feel awful Nazi_

_yea I know me to Ella Mandy's wrecked_

_her mom and her brother have been trying to talk to her_

_all night [Nazi]_

_what happened when u got back?[me]_

_she started drinking really bad she just kept drowning them_

_I think she took pills to.._

Her voice shock

_you mean she tried to..[ME]_

_no not like that I'm not real sure_

_but I don't want to get caught their pissed at miles_

_I don't think she wanted to kiss him_

_then why did she?[_Nazi sounded pissed_]_

_I don't know I wish I did [ME]_

_well me to Mandy's devastated [Nazi]_

_so is miles we need ..[me]_

_we need to stay out of it we caused enough damage_

_I need this place so I can stay in the play_

_and I don't want to hurt Amanda any more [Nazi]_

_yea I know me either night..[me]_

_night Ella give it time [Nazi]_

_what else can I do..time seems to be our biggest prob [me]_

We hung up and I was left to wonder why time was such a bitch a illusive ever changing never ending twisting knife ..needless to say I didn't sleep at all..finally at 4am I gave up and went to see what the farm looked like early on miles always talked about how she loved to watch the sunrise and sure enough her and Brandi were on top of the barn roof watching it they were strumming guitars as she sung softly..

_Do you, do you think about me?  
Do you, do you think about me?_

I see the setting sun, of another passing day  
There's been questions on my mind, since you been away  
Friend's say that you're doing well, you finally got it made  
Outside I share my joy for you, but  
inside my heart still aches

It's like I'm there with you, playing games with you  
You're always on my mind  
And I watch you hurt all the time

(Chorus)  
Do you think about me? like I think about you  
Do you sometimes stay awake at night?  
Till the morning light? cos you don't know what to do  
Do you think about me? like I think about you  
Do you toss and turn does your heart still burn?  
For the passion we went through

Do you think about me?  
Do you think about me?

I see your face at night, in every dream I dream  
Cos I see a message, please tell me what it means  
If I had your number, I'd call you on the phone  
But your voice wouldn't be enough, I'd be better left alone

It's like I press rewind, it's like the hands of time  
That starts all over again  
Every day and night, it won't end

(Repeat Chorus)

I wanna know-whoa, do you think about me?  
Is there a chance? that we could work it on out  
It's been so long? Session and it's plain to see  
That I got what you want, and I just got what you need

(Repeat Chorus)

Do you think about me (do you think about me)  
Like I think about you (like I think about you)  
(Like I think about you baby, all through the night)

Do you think about me like I think about you?  
(Do you, (do you), think about me)  
(Whoa, oh now baby, eh hey, eh hey)

Do you think about me?  
(Every time you're near, my heart is burning)  
Don't you need me like I need you, shared  
the passion we went through  
Do you think about me (do you think about me) 

_[ Find more Lyrics on /Kq1o ] _

Lyrics to Do you think about me by the spice girls.


	37. Chapter 37 Middle Of A Song

**Middle of A Song**

**Miley's p o v**

So this was fun everyone walking on egg shells around me watching to see how much I would break , they think I don't hear their whispers when they think I'm asleep, their silent guard as they sit by me stroking my arms and hair talking to me telling me that it would be okay. I knew they all cared but all I felt was the sting of Mandy's hand on my face as she slapped me and the look in her eyes as she saw me kissing Nick ..god I hated him just as I thought he was changing and putting others first he goes and does this..fresh new pools of tears filled my eyes as I squeezed them shut clinging my pillows. Why did this have to happen? Damn it what did I do to deserver this? Tears fell more freely as my chest heaved and ached I knew the look she had on her face she was hurt in ways that she could never say the look in her eyes. I saw how deep the pain ran Selena's words rung in my head

"_your kind of love destroys people" _is that what I had done? Did I destroy my best friend? The pain kept getting worse and there seem to be no end to the tears that poured as my cries got louder …

_~~Liar! You are nothing but a liar!_

_Damn it Miley I am so sick of all these lies!_

_You love him you alwa_ys _loved him...~~_

_NO! NO! DAMN IT NO AMANDA~_

I pounded my fists in the pillows over and over as I sat up crying! Screaming getting angrier and angrier...why why the hell was she there? Why did he kiss me , why did she have to walk in at that moment?

_Why god why_

_Why do you hate me!_

_Ah god can't I ever get a break!_

_Can't you spare her what did she ever do!_

_I get it I cheated I lied I'm horrible but damn it!_

_She never did anything expect love me _

I started to fall apart again all she ever did was love me pure and true and what did she get out of it? Nothing but pain and embarrassment. My screams must have been loud enough for the cops in town to hear so it was no surprise that my parents came running dad's arms slipped around me his voice soothing me as he rocked me over and over again..

_I'm horrible dad I destroy everyone that touches me!_

_Let me go please just let me go! [me]_

_No miley listen to me darling u have to stop [dad]_

_no please I don't deserve sympathy or compassion_

_I hurt her dad the one person who would never hurt me I hurt her [me]_

_Miles u have to stop this and start thinking with your head_

_you did something stupid we all do but u can fix it [dad]_

_Fix it! Fix it how can I fix it!_

_She hates me dad she fucking hates me![Me]_

_Did she say that? Bud you can't read into everything she says_

_She was hurt bad and she was angry but I know Mandy_

_She could never hate you..[dad]_

_She does dad she hates me! [Me]_

_God why can't you see!_

I shoved him off and took off running mom called to me but I brushed past her past my family past Ella everyone and kept running till I got to moonshine my horse quickly. I mounted her and took off tears falling freely from my eyes as I closed them and let the wind carry us off.

**Mandy's p o v**

Days had come and gone I wasn't even sure what was what at this point. I knew people came and went Laura was there all the time I figured she must be sleeping over cause every time I turned around she was there holding me trying to get me to eat according to the doctors I was dangerously underweight but I refused what was the point? Eating was for those who wanted to live who had a reason miley took my reason and threw it away right about the time she took my heart and twisted it around and ripped it out only to smash it in front of me, I knew my mom was frantic with worry she wouldn't leave my side for a minute her and my dad were up my case non stop trying to get me to talk to see friends a shrink to dance anything expect sleep that was all I wanted and they didn't understand how I could be so tired when that's all I did...the only time I got up was to use the bathroom my only salvation in all this ..my hidden bottles of relief..I was shocked no one found them yet..I swallowed another half a bottle ..drowned about 10 sleeping pills and closed my eyes..going out...mom was on her cell trying to get me to talk to my sister in Arizona who was threating to fly out if I didn't speak to her..I brushed the phone away ..laying down. I felt mom's hands over my face and my hair as I closed my eyes and saw her face burning brightly in my mind..Nicks hand on her butt squeezing it as he rammed his tongue down her throat...I gagged trying to get that thought out of my head..

_Mandy baby are you.._

_Mom I'm going to be sick..._

I jumped up and ran into the bathroom as I puked like crazy...

Slamming the door I laid on the floor gasping. I heard their voices mom was screaming for me to unlock the door but I didn't care ..she was frantic yelling to my brother who had dropped Nazi off at the theater..I was exhausted my heart was beating so fast I thought it was going to beat itself to death...mom's voice was filling the air my sweet gorgeous strong selfless mom who didn't do anything wrong why she was stuck with me as a daughter was beyond me..

_Gordan we need to get her help she's killing herself _

_She needs to be hospitalized! [mom]_

_No way she needs us She needs us to believe and she needs tough love_

_She's not crazy she doesn't need a shrink _

_She needs to grow up stop pinning over some 16 year old_

_Little girl who's to ignorant to see what a gift she had_

_She will not be hospitalized! [dad]_

_We have to or will lose her! [mom]_

Laying on the cold floor gave me prospective. I was sick of having everyone suffer cause of me I knew what I had to do..taking a deep breath washing up..I went out time to put my acting skills to work

_Mom I'm so sorry I don't want u and daddy to fight_

_Please stop_

_I swear I'll eat [Me]_

_Baby thank god [mom]_

_What do u want? [Dad]_

_I don't care..[me]_

_I'll go out to the store and get your favorites_

_Gordan [mom]_

_Coming Laura will be here if u need anything hon [Dad]_

I nodded and grinned inside so easy as soon as they left I went to work..quickly I typed letters out to each of the girls..the tears fell free as I did these Laura came and checked on me a few times I pretended to be on the Internet which she bought, she stayed with me a few times thankfully I had the Internet on so I would just pull up various links the headlines stuck out " _Disney teen queen caught in backstage brawl"_

_Disney Teen queen =Drama Queen" _

_They were the nice ones many went on to say that miley _

_had become a diva and had let fame change her the popular _

_theory was that she had betrayed me for_

_Demi and Selena and that I was jealous of her _

_friendships with them..somehow she had lied _

_to me and told me she was going somewhere else and that I caught her .._

"_total lies " [me]_

_Who cares what they say about her your better off without her [Laura]_

I didn't answer but I cared deeply I didn't want her to go through this I saw the other comments the less nice ones

_Miles the slut_

_Miley's a bitch and a whore_

_She's slept with half of teen holly wood_

_She thinks she's better then everyone_

_I hate miley!_

_Miley is a b*tch!! EWW!! Miley thinks that  
everyone is interested in about her f*ck'n life!  
HA! Yeah right! Only 1% of people are interested  
in that piece of sh*t! God, she has TONS of  
issues! _

_Why would Miley put all those pictures of her and her _

"_friends" in suggestive poses? It's __sick__!_

_I don't care what people say about the following comment:_

_Miley Cyrus is a drama addicted slut! That's right!_

_I said it! what are you going to do about it? _

_I'm tired of people saying she's a sweet little angel. _

_She is a jerk! she is rude to random people who_

_comment about her, and she broke up with nick for no good reason!_

_I don't care if you love _Miley Cyrus

_Nick deserves someone so much better. _

_She needs to be a good role model._

_No more sick pictures. No more rude comments._

_No more lies about who she really is. _

_I'm sorry to Miley Cyrus fans, but_

_I will never think of her in any other way, I will always hate her! _

These people didn't even know her and they judged her it made me sick..then there were the comments about me..

_Isn't Mandy a little old to be "best friends" with a 16 year old child? I don't know a thing about Mandy except that she looks trashy…, and all I can think of that she would gain from a friendship with Miley is notoriety. What is WRONG with Miley's parents? _

_I don't know. It seems like Mandy really is changing Miley. With Mandy's pictures, Miley's doing exactly what she's doing and trying to grow up all too fast. Not only that, but she's not the sweet girl she used to be... not too long ago. I don't know if she'll ever be that girl again. It'll take a lot of hard work. I think Mandy is changing her. _

_I personally think that Mandy is a horrible influence. Miley didn't pose in "inappropriate" pictures before Mandy. She was a good girl and a good role model. Lately, Milez has been different. The old Milez wouldn't have made fun of Demi and Selena. She would be nice towards them. She's said that Selena is her friend! Hello, true friends do not make fun of each other. I miss the Milez that used to hang with the other DC stars. I've heard that Mandy is a stripper! That isn't good! I want the Milez we all used to know and love that she was when Hannah Montana premiered. I'm sad that my old role model isn't my role model anymore. I actually prefer Selena and Demi. I want the Miley I loved! I want the sweet, non-Mandy Milez. I know she has to grow up, I just don't think that she should do it so fast... _

_MANDY SLUT! _

_MANDY IS A CHILD ABUSER AND SHOULD BE SHOT SHE HIT HER!_

_SHE'S A DRUNK AND A WHORE! MILEZ IS BETTER OFF WITHOUT HER SHANKY AZZ.._

IT Wasn't like I hadn't seen these before or heard worse but for some reason it stopped me cold this time and left me shivering , swallowing .I fought back the tears and while I talked to her but inside I was screaming for her to go away, she never seemed to get it or she didn't care but somehow the phone would ring or the doorbell and she would leave to go get it, as fast as I could I poured my heart out into these pages..staring at the paper my last note which was a mix of the easiest and the hardest..the tears flowed most here..

I heard Laura talking toDoe their voices low...quickly I slipped into the shower and dried off after brushing my teeth.I stood in front of the mirror average face which looked hollow my eyes were lifeless bloodshot my face pale I was dizzy and exhausted.I was no one special I couldn't even hold onto the one person who promised me forever..what was worth it if love didn't exist? I had all but given up she was my last shot and I had blown it somehow I wasn't sure why she had suddenly stopped loving me but she had...taking out a bottle of whiskey and a bottle of black Sambuca . I grabbed my anti depressantsMirtazapine and a bottle of 100 fresh sleeping pills my stomach was in knots but taking deep breaths helped as I drowned the whole bottle of both pills. I was already feeling the effects as I threw the evidence out ...grabbing the counter.I fought against the nausea waiting for the Mirtazapine to take effect I was starting to feel tight in my fists and headed to the bed my legs feeling like Jello...grabbing the wall for support.I slowly headed there everything was out of place.." hold strong Mandy just a little bit longer and it will all be over"

**Miley's p o v**

_Mles snap out of it your on in ten_

_Yea I know Brandi_

Something was wrong I knew it in my stomach I knew Mandy was in trouble and she needed me..I tried blocking it out tried to let the excitement of the roaring audience take me over I went through the motions taking deep breaths..going out waving talking ,joking the dancers got me hyped up as we went through the routines .I sung with everything I had this was being shown live on Disney

_Hey everyone having fun tonight? [me]_

_Yes![the crowd went ballistic so much it sent me back]_

_Well that surely answered my question [ I laughed]_

_Thanks you.. guys and girls _

I winked at a few girls in front who screamed reaching up to me..

_You are so amazing and never fail to show me how much u love me_

_So for being so awesome I would like to try out a new song_

_I'm recording it's by Rascal Flatness _

_called Middle of a Song_

_Please if anyone knows anyone who's suffering do NOT hesitate to ask for help_

_Do not suffer in silence here are options available_

_Don't make a decision based on pain in the middle of the pain_

_That you will regret seek help_

_Don't let your friends ask why? _

Taking a deep breath I started

_It must a been a place so dark, couldn't feel the light  
Reachin' for you through that stormy cloud  
Now here we are gathered in our little home town  
This can't be the way you meant to draw a crowd_

Oh why that's what I keep askin'  
Was there anything I could have said or done  
Oh I had no clue you were masking a troubled soul, god only knows  
What went wrong and why you'd leave the stage in the middle of a song  
Mmmmmmm 

But as hard as I tried my legs started to feel weak as my breathing went crazy and I felt sharp pains in my chest and head..Mandy's voice kept going through my head..silently I prayed for her to be okay...

**MANDY'S P O V**

Pins and needles were shooting throughout my whole body ..it was like I was electrocuted my breaths were coming in rasps and gasps ,my head was spinning my chest felt like it was being ripped out of my body ..

The pain ripped through my body .I couldn't help screaming so I buried my face in the pillow grabbing my remote so Laura wouldn't hear me I turned the TV on the first channel that came on was Disney..her voice reached out to me..I heard the words but the song I didn't recognize. But her voice was as strong as angelic as ever she reached to me as I felt everything going to different colors..shapes..sizes..

_Now in my mind I keep you frozen as a seventeen year old  
Rounding third to score the winning run  
You always played with passion no matter what the game  
When you took the stage you shined just like the sun_

She moved like a cheetah strong and determined..she shone like a star...as bright as dazzling..her eyes seemed to

reach through the screen to me as she sung those words... she suddenly stopped grabbed a amp and looked into the camera … I swear she was looking directly into my eyes...

_Oh why that's what I keep askin'  
Was there anything I could have said or done  
Oh I had no clue you were masking the troubled soul, oh god only knows  
What went wrong and why you'd leave the stage in the middle of a song  
Yeah yeah yeah_

**Miley's p o v**

The world started to spin taking deep breaths in between bars as I swallowed I grabbed a amp closet to me but made it look natural... as I sung..the deep breaths helped some but my heart was beating so fast I had no way of catching my breath ..as I swallowed I felt Jenn hand me water smiling I gulped some down holding the bottle as I tried to walk across stage to slap hands with the other side but my legs felt weak and all I heard in my head was Mandy's voice calling to me..lifting my head I sung clear and strong almost willing her to hear me..

_Now the oak trees are swayin' in the early autumn breeze  
The golden sun is shining on my face  
__The tangled thoughts I hear a mockingbird sing  
This old world really ain't that bad a place_

Oh why there's no comprehending  
And who am I to try to judge or explain 

**MANDY'S P O V**

Pain kept seizing me as I felt like I was going to vomit but I kept it in my whole body seemed to lose control as I thrashed on the bed I couldn't move...her song made me feel her love so strong and I wanted to reach up and hug her beg her to help me fight tell her. I loved her I wished so hard I had that chance to say it..I tried reaching for my phone but I couldn't move my fingers had cramped up ….my breathing was so rapid it hurt moans were escaping as hard as I tried to fight them off...Laura's voice called to me...should I answer? Please miles give me a sign..

_Oh but I do have one burning question  
Who told you life wasn't worth the fight  
They were wrong  
They lied _

Suddenly it dawned on me the song was about suicide someone had given up the fight..and the person singing was asking why? Could I have done something?

But it was too late..to change to go back to ask to wonder cause they were gone and nothing was going to bring them back...death had taken them...but not me I was here I was..my mouth was dry I coughed ...I couldn't find my voice..please god I prayed...

_Help Laura!_

_Laura help me!_

Pushing myself up I stumbled off the bed my legs collapsed and I crashed into a table..as pain sered through my chest my left side went numb as I fell hard on the floor....

**Miley's p o v**

My chest was on fire my legs were like Jello my whole body was like a inferno.. my arms and hands had suddenly gone numb and my throat felt tight like it was closing up .I started to feel like even singing was becoming a chore forming the words was a struggle my mind had gone foggy...the left side of my face felt strange like I couldn't control it any more the crowd was whispering as I fought to get through the song ..

_And now you're gone  
And we cried  
Cause It's not like you to walk away in the middle of a song  
Your beautiful song  
Your absolutely beautiful song_

I couldn't take it anymore I ran off stage and puked ….mom held my hair...as I looked up my vision blurred and I felt weak..she held my hand I only knew cause she kept telling me she was taking my hand .I let her help me but I was foggy and I couldn't feel her or see very well

_Mom...[me]_

_Yes sweetie? [mom]_

_I don..'t..f..e..e..l..r..i.._

_miley !_

**Brandi p o v**

Everyone' s screams filled the air as her head rolled back and she hit the floor .I dove and caught my sisters head she lay motionless..pale...I checked her pulse..my heart squeezed...

_Oh my god she's not breathing call 911!_

**LAURA'S POV**

_OH MY GOD CALL 911 SHE'S NOT BREATHING!_


	38. Chapter 38 Tears Of An Angel prt 1

**TEARS OF AN ANGEL MOMS P O V'S**

**TISH P O V**

There was nothing in this world that prepares you for the sight of your daughter collapsing in front of you eyes rolling back slipping through your arms and falling lifelessly had it not been for Brandi my sweet angel diving and catching her she would of smacked her head... Shock over took me as I watched in horror Brandi bent down feeling for a pulse..her eyes looked up wide in a panic as she screamed which caused more screams..as everyone rushing around stopped..Brandi's scream filled my ears...

_She's not breathing someone call 911! _

_Please hurry oh my god! Miley! Miley!_

_Baby girl oh my god someone help us!_

Brandi was in full blown crying mode seeing the tears of my eldest daughter snapped me out of it dropping to my knees. I bent over my middle child's body taking her tiny wrist into my fingers I felt desperately... No pulse...People started to come out of shock 911 calls were placed as a stage hand who's name I didn't know dropped by me..

_I'm trained in CPR ma'am let me help_

_Please whatever you have to do save my daughter!_

The young man who was in his mid twenties started to do chest compressions as I breathed in her mouth …

_Where's the ambulance!_

_Dammit! Miley don't do this breathe!_

_Please baby we need you!_

The emt's raced up as my daughters body remained the same no movement ...I watched as they checked her out and started shocking her ...the sight of full grown men shocking your 16 year old child till her body shots up and shakes only to fall motionless once more..well that's a sight you never get out of your mind.

It seemed like hours when your breath catches in your chest in till the paramedics roll her body now teaming with life as shown on the echoes of a portable monitor her face covered by a mask giving her the sweet oxygen the only thing keeping her breathing..Brandi grabbed me as I wrapped my arms around her my daughter ..we followed them out

_Baby go with …_

_Mom it's okay I'll get to the hospital go with miles..[Brandi]_

The steady rhythm on the monitor kept me going as I held my baby's hand..her face was pale and looked white as ashes her skin felt blazing hot kissing her hand I felt tears slide down as I prayed silently for god to hear me and heal my baby...but she remained motionless her eyes never opened her breathing did not get stronger...she didn't get worse though so I held onto that...the paramedics kept a close eye on her as we raced through the streets my only thoughts drifted to her..I saw the monitor the lines remained a steady green her temp and bp showed 103..my baby was burning up how did I not see it before? Had she been feeling worse then she had said? Why hadn't she said? What signs did I miss? How long has this been going on?

They rushed her inside I was stopped at the doors by an orderly I wanted to shove him aside and grab miley and pull her off the stretcher...but he was gentle as he lead me over to a waiting room. I pulled my jacket around me shivering without her in my arms I felt empty cold...there was a longing deep in my heart...tears spilled over as I heard Brandi yelling my name..turning to her .I opened my arms and she fell into them. Her sobs filled me with a ache I wanted to rip the hurt right out of her and rock her and hold her till it was safe to let her go.

Minutes turned into hours friends and family started to fly in no word on what was wrong with her...

**DONNA'S P O V**

_I'm not sure Garret she said she wanted to eat_

_Lets just be grateful for that alright _

_Stop worrying I think she's getting better[Me]_

_Mom she's fooling you she always gets you_

_What is that suppose to be? [Garret]_

As usual my son the optimist was trying to make me believe that Mandy was fooling me for what? She wasn't sneaking out Laura and Dominique were both there. He was always the one who doubted Mandy and tried to paint her out to be more troubled then she was. Walking to the car I took in how gorgeous the day was the sun out shining only a slight breeze would ripple it was perfect …

_Maybe will eat out on the balcony [me]_

_Sure mom u and I can [Garret]_

_And your sister...[me]_

_Yea sure mom I bet Mandy will be jumping at that [Garret]_

_Stop it Garret give your sister a break she's going through a lot [me]_

_We all are mom but were not all starving ourselves and drinking ourselves_

_To death she needs help [Garret]_

_Your just like your father Garret u want to lock her up throw away_

_The key and forget about her [me]_

_No mom were just asking u to face facts Mandy's in serious trouble_

_She needs professional help and you need to stop cuddling to her [Garret]_

_I do not cuddle her! [me]_

_Oh please mom u cater to whatever she says u _

_Let her get away with it.._

I was so angry at him why did he always make her feel like crap? Mandy had always had it rougher then her siblings she was always a perfectionist always striving to be the best she pushed herself to be the prettiest the fittest smartest funniest always outgoing but even growing up she felt out casted her dance kept her so busy she had no time for after school activates so she had trouble making friends she kept to herself a lot Garret was the one person she could talk to and hang with while their older sibs had their own friends they played together up till Jr high when he entered high school he suddenly became to busy it wasn't cool now to be friends with your little sister so he started picking on her worse then my older kids it hurt her worse cause he had always defended her , I should of seen the change in her then but I didn't she always acted the same sweet and loving and like she was so happy but she started skipping school cutting dance class doing drugs drinking having unprotected sex she stopped caring about school friends what little she had she stopped eating she became so depressed finally after 2 years Gordan and I saw it we grounded her made her get help she said she was better went back to dance and at 18 moved out here I always thought she was fine but Garret was convinced it was a mask I want so bad to believe that she's fine Mandy has always been my baby my youngest daughter we did mani pedis together shopped together hung out I helped her in dance we worked out together...

My thoughts were interrupted as by now we were pulling around the corner to where her apartment was..brights lights blinded me as we saw the flashes of red and blue in..my breath in took please lord tell me I'm not seeing what I think I am..pressing the gas pedal .I felt Garret squeeze my arm as I skidded into a space and jumped out 2 police cars lined the parking lot along with a ambulance people were gathered around watching and whispering as awful as it sounds .I was praying it was for someone else maybe Mr. Johnson he was 89 and had a heart condition or Mrs. Jephthah she had diabetes and she was in her seventies, just please not my Mandy, Garret and I didn't bother with the elevator we just ran straight up those steps. My heart was pounding as I ran and it wasn't from the exercise fear coursed through my whole body ...when we bust through the doors ..my heart dropped Mandy's apartment door was open and a full movie scene took place I heard Dominique screaming and crying I saw police officers blocking the door and as I came up I heard paramedics yelling

_Clear!_

_Charge to 300 shock!_

_Nothing clear! Charge to 315_

_Still no pulse!_

_Ma'am u can't go in.._

_Get out of my way that's my daughter! _

The police officer had no idea what hit him as I slugged him and he fell Dominique tried to stop me as she saw me from where she was talking to the police officer but I shoved her aside and charged into Mandy's room ..where I stopped cold seeing my daughter laying motionless on the floor her head tilted back as they checked her mouth for breath signs..tears had rolled down her face she was pale so pale her lips were blue her eyelids were blue blood had dried on her hands where she had been grasping something...an officer held me back..

_Charge to 320_

_Clear!_

_Shock!_

_Charge again _

_Clear!_

_Shock!_

_We got a pulse!_

_Bag her lets go..._

_Mandy Mandy!_

_My baby please u have to let me see her.._

_u can ride with us but we need to leave ma'am _

_We have to get her stomach pumped_

_Why! Why! She hasn't eaten [me]_

_Ma'am I''m sorry.._

Another officer put a hand on my arm

_Your daughter tried to kill herself_

_She overdosed on pills_

_What..no..not..no ..Mandy! Why!_

_Oh god NOOONOOO!_

_MOM, MOM_

Garret was by me holding me up as the paramedics took her out he held my arm leading me out

_Officer we need to go with them.._

_That's fine son is there anybody else u want us to call for u?_

_No I'll take care of it thanks.._

It was silent on the way to the hospital just the steady beep of the monitor..holding her hand I kissed her fingers long and slender graceful just like her...'' _oh my Amanda why would u do this to yourself you have so much going for you baby why couldn't u just ask for help? We would of helped you..sweetie you have to fight please there are so many people who love you...just hold on and fight please baby for me...I swear I will be a better mom just_ _hold on give me a sign whatever u need I'll do it..._

The beeps remained unchanged she remained motionless as tears slide down my face...the paramedic riding in back with us turned up the radio..

_Teen Queen Miley star of Disney's Hannah Montana_

_has collapsed after preforming on stage earlier this evening_

_sources tell us the young pop star had to be given CPR[ radio]_

_What! [me]_

_What a shame such a gorgeous little girl I heard it was drugs [Paramedic]_

_No she would never do drugs [_me very angry_]_

As the announcer finished I was almost thankful Mandy couldn't hear...

_beep..beep..beeeeeeeep_

_What's going on with my sister?_

_She's _ _seizing_ _pull over_!

He banged on the door the vehicle braked as he got up and grabbed her holding her head so she wouldn't hit it as he timed the seizure , garret took my hand as I started to cry my baby all I could think about was my baby.

_3 minutes 20 seconds.._

_She's chocking I need suction_

Another paramedic came in back and started to place a tube in her mouth which made a nasty sound as blood came up tons of blood.

Time+ waiting =hell when all u can think about is the sight of that blood which made me cringe what the hell was wrong with her? Gordan my husband arrived and we sat with Garret , Dominique,Laura , Noreen,Brooke, a few friends who had come out.

Finally the doctor came in holding onto Gordan we went up

_Mr and Mrs. J..._

_I'm Dr. Neil I was the attending on your daughters case_

_How is she?[Gordan]_

_She's stable we have your daughter in a room I want to monitor her over night_

_To be sure..but we pumped her stomach the lining of her stomach is irritated which is what _

_Caused the bleeding I want to make sure we have that under control before we talk about discharge _

_Physically Mandy should be able to make a full recovery_

_I see no problems but we need to address what caused this_

_She needs to speak to someone who is trained for this..._

_She's very lucky she got help in time..any longer she wouldn't of been_

_The paramedics were working on her for twenty minutes _

_Any length of time over 3 minutes the chance of recovery goes down drastically [Dr. Neil]_

_Thank u doctor can we see her now? [Gordan]_

_Yes of course ...right this way. [Dr.]_

**TISH'S P O V**

_How long has she been sleeping? [Trace]_

_She's been in a coma for 5 weeks now son [Billy Ray]_

_I can't believe I was on tour dad I am so sorry..[Trace]_

_Why are u sorry? Your living your dream we should of contacted_

_You she just didn't want to worry you _

_She wanted you to do what she can't [Billy]_

Trace came over and hugged me

_How are you mom?_

_Dealing Sweet boy[me]_

I laid my face in his arm and he held me closer, I watched my gorgeous little girl laying asleep hooked to monitors, she had Iv's dripping blood, plasma , chemo ..saline..staring at the yellow bag hanging from my daughters pole I was still in disbelief how could my precious sweet Miley Ray have Cancer? My head still hurt from hearing those words after she had been brought in they had done days of tests to find out how a 16 year old girl who takes care of herself who is active could just suddenly have a heart attack..it made no sense ..she had been going to doctors regularly..Waiting was like hell a special touter only parents could know..after endless tests they figured out she had bacterial meningitis which had taken over her lungs her right lung had collapsed so she was on a vent to help her breathe. Further tests showed she had masses in her brain..they did a pet scan and an MRI which revealed she had Diffuse Intrinsic Pontine Glioma, then they did a bone marrow aspiration and a bone marrow biopsy which showed traces of AML further tests showed that the leukemia had spread to her lymph nodes and her spinal cord her kidneys her liver..they gave her less then 2 months..2 months how do u put a time limit on a child's life? In a matter of days this DIPG had robbed her of her vital functions she needed for everyday life she was paralyzed on her left side her arm laid motionless at her side her left eye drooped unable to open, her leg was stiff and unmovable her neck went in stages from being fine to being weak she had no voice the tumor had progressed rabidly and left her no more then a limp rag doll. She couldn't sit up for more then a few minutes before her head would roll back she couldn't speak let alone sing but her mind was fine in short she was in total hell. I quickly learned DIPG was another name for hell as quickly as the paralysis came it would go and come and go.. We started to look into hospitals that had a study of DIPG cases there weren't many but we chose **Children's National Medical Center ****(Washington, DC)** it seemed to have the best options around. So Disney let us fly free miles refused to be carried out she made sure she walked out with her own two feet even if it meant leaning on dad who was more then happy to have her lean on. The ride there was as you would expect miles and Noah played video games she was quick to learn how to kick butt with one hand which Braz would not take without retaliation and Noah would have none of. Billy stared out the window or watched the kids. I laid in his arms motionless trying to stop the on slaughter of thoughts running through my head. Only one would I allow through my mind Win..we arrived in Washington late on a Tuesday and went straight to the hospital by now she was sleeping the staff was very welcoming but I would of settled for never having to be welcomed...they got her settled into a room and while she slept we meet with her doctors a very kind but stern women named Dr. Marla Griffin who seemed to hate cancer like Jewish people hate Hitler she was very determined to help us beat this and she was very clear that miles privacy would be protected a big concern since the media had been following us non-stop. While Billy wanted to do research all I wanted was to cuddle my daughter and make sure she knew we were behind her in every decision and to make sure she knew she would be able to make these choices since it was her body. The next day there was a team of doctors on her case. Too many to keep straight but I learned a few things in a short time stay by my child's side cause this tumor left her helpless and she needed things often and the nurses were usually too busy to come and that could mean the difference between a accident or life and death. As the tumor worsened She couldn't go to the bathroom on her own sit up speak she couldn't feed herself. The doctors hit us with all the information and we were left to make impossible choices.. this kind of tumor topped with the AML meant she had less then a 15 % chance of survival most agreed we should just take her home and make her as comfortable as possible that even if we tried every treatment it was a waste of time and money but they went over the treatments that we could use ...chemo would wipe out her immune system and leave her completely vulnerable to infections which could kill her radiation would leave her weak and the amount they had to give her would max her out for a life time so if by chance she survived and it came back in five years she wouldn't be able to have any more. Surgery was out the tumor was in a vital place where death would certainly occur if they attempted it. Billy wanted her to remain in the dark and hold out hope to just take her home his refusal to even consider confiding in her infuriated me and left me to wonder was I hurting her by giving her this information? Should I do what he wanted and take her home let her be a child for whatever time she had left? Should I give her a choice? Was it selfish to do so put her through all this pain and suffering when there was no guarantee that she would have any better outcomes? I was desperate to talk to someone but we were being very secertive about everything until we got our choices made and had some kind of plan. While she slept and Brandi stayed with her .I went to the church to pray. Durning my fifth night there as I debated after another fight with Billy I felt the tears start to slide down as I knelled at the alter and poured my heart out to god who seemed to have turned his back on us, which for me being so religoues was a hard pill to swallow. In the midst of tearing him out I felt a hand reach out and touch me. Jumping slightly I turned to see another women standing before me, embrassed slightly over my outlash I felt myself blush as I rose to meet this quite frankly if we were home in La .I would of never have paid attention to we were polar oppistes in every way. I was tall and lanky but built from hours of chasing kids and just being the typical La women obessed with diets and excrises. I was dressed in the latest fashion provided by the top desginers. I was still in perfect makeup and even though my hair had fallen from its bun it was still some what neatly styled, this women standing before me was dressed in old sweats probarly from 10 years ago she had on a old beat up shirt and was in slipper socks her hair was messy and looked un washed not in a slob way just in a over worked stressed out mom way, tears had dried leaving her face a pasty mess

_I'm sorry was I being too loud it's been a harsh week_

_I just needed to vent [me]_

_No you were fine it's not un common_

_We all need to vent sometime_

_I just came ..well in all honesty I followed you_

Had this been La I would of called the cops this is the kind of thing you fear in the public eye being followed aka stalking but standing her in the dim light of a church in a children's hospital .I wasn't afraid of what I could see it was the unseen that was gripping me with fear.

_Sorry that came out wrong_

_I'm Mary Beth Roberts_

_My son Alan is in room 605_

_That's across from my daughters [me]_

_Yes I know let me explain your looking at me strange_

_I know your probarly thinking stalker_

_But I'm defenitly not but my kids are huge fans of your daughters_

_And I know your trying to be secertive about everything for good reasons_

_But my youngest daughter Lindsay was playing with Noah in the playroom_

_And she let it slip by accident that Miles was in for DIPG my son has the same [Mary]_

Swallowing I took a deep breath Damn it why can't she get any breaks all she wanted was privacy can't anybody respect that! Was it so much to ask for?

_Diagnosange __and it's hell I heard you and your husband fighting _

_Well it's not my place here and I don't _

_Want to pry but if I can share from my exprience [Mary]_

_Sure I would like to know anything that can help _

_Her is apperacited were stuck on what to do it's so frustrating [me]_

_I know your in disagreement on what to do but _

_Let me just tell you one thing she knows what is happening_

_And it's scary as heck for them my son was only five when he was __diagnosed _

_three years ago but he knew and he knew he wanted to fight and part of that was _

_because we were honest with him and gave him choices so he didn't feel like_

_his life was beyond his control_

_Miles is 16 she knows just ask her ...[Mary]_

_Your son has been living with this for three years? [me]_

I was in total shock the doctors had been telling us she wouldn't live 2 more months here was a kid with the same illness going on three years...

_Yes he is my little warrior it's been hard but he is doing very well_

_We got treatments started early and he's responded well [Mary]_

_Thank you Mary you've been a big help [me]_

I knew what I needed to do even though I hated to fight with Billy I knew that miles must be told, suprisingly he was okay with it but there was a sadness to his eyes as we sat with Brandi who was clutching her limp hand Noah and Brasion sat on either side of us and we started to explain to them as a family. Her right eye shined with questions that her voice could not say out loud so we answered them as best as we could but I wonder how much little Noie really understood. Still as we came to a end miles simply raised her fist and to clairfry Noie and Bras yelled "Fight! The one time it wasn't followed by either Billy or I yelling at them after that word. So began the research and questions the one person who was a big help was Ella's mom she came right away and stayed with us day and night answering whatever questions we had helping us to get the best doctors and the best treatments. Ella visited with miles which at first was embrassing to miles but Ella worked her magic and soon had miles laughing and attemping to smile she let her know that she was still gorgeous and no facial defect could change that. I was never more gratefull for that little girl she showed miles she could do anything and she gave her a postiive frame of mind which she was going to need. In the end we decided on 's Children's Research hosiptal in Memphis Tn that way we could be close to home so the kids could have some sort of normancy and we could fight this damn thing.

Flying there I think we all had our own thoughts that ranged all over the place the kids played quitely as Billy worked on some music and I tried to sleep..no such luck all I thought about was the long road we had in front of us and how I could make it as easy as possible on all the kids. Arriving in Tn Billy took the kids home and miles Brandi and I headed to the hosiptal as soon as I got there. I immediately felt so much better when we got there the outside was amazing so many beauitful gardens that surronded the whole hosiptal which is huge the lobby was so colorful and decorated in the spirit of child-hood. Miles felt at ease I could tell when she asked Brandi to carry her on her back by sign Bran of course did without any protests. We stood in awe taking in everything it was swamped people rushing around kids running in banadana's and hats just playing carefree like normal kids.

Kids were being wheeled in bright big red wagons or riding tycicles around roller shakting it looked like a fun house expect these kids were wearing head covers and some had masks on iv poles dragging behind one boy who had to be about 8 was shakting with his iv and laughing as his mom strolled behind.

Some were in wheelchairs or on walkers some laying in parents laps.

_Mrs. Ray? [Rn]_

_Yes I am [me] _

_Hello my name's Julie I'm going to be one of Miles nurses let_

_Me show you to her room and give you a tour_

_Miley I assume? _

She looked up at her and miles smiled down making us laugh..

_If there's anything you need don't heasiate to ask or sign.._

_Thank you [Brandi]_

They were so welcoming and ready to do whatever needed to help her feel at ease. When we got upstairs we were surpirsed the room was huge we had asked for a singel room for more privacy. The room was decorated so amazing it wasn't a normal hosiptal room it was desgined for kids and teens hers was a sky blue and was a horse theme the bed had a slick beatuitful comforter on it with her horses pictures the sheets matched but were flannel the lamps were of disney princess and the windows had curtins to match her bed there was a flatscreen TV in the right cornor above her bed and a dvd player the rug was a light blue and fuzzy already . I was impressed they really seemed to care, there was a second bed that we could use for us which was a relife since Brandi's 6'2 and

I'm 6'3.

Another nurse Baron came in and introduced herself.

Finally Brandi curled up on one side of her as I took the other. The doctors came bright and early but their determantion made up for it they wanted to see us win this bad they were not giving up so we talked protcals and treatments.

Within a day she was started on both Chemo and radiation but she wanted no one to know they put a port in her chest so she could receive treatments a lot easier without being stuck all those times.. miles was put on a cocktail of chemo drugs Prednisone [po by mouth] Vincristine [iv] Daunorubicin [iv] she handled it so much better then we did...I was trying not to freak out to break things or to run down the hall screaming while bursting into tears Billy was dealing with it as he does with anything humor he helped her get disguises together so when she went for Chemo no one would know it was her they had fun trying on different wigs and outfits making lots of laughs from the nurses as he tried on a bright red wig with granny glasses , they worked for awhile but soon kids started to know it was her one girl approached her shy asking for a autograph. I saw her apprehension and fear as she knew her secret was about to be blown but she handled it with grace and signed the book and took pictures with her but asked her to keep it a secret. The little girl nodded but somehow her cover was blown in days. Which depressed her but Billy found ways to help ease that.. The staff here was great they not only cared for miles but they showed us all compassion and took care of all of us Baron was always asking me to step out so I could relieve my frustrations and anxiety or just cry she never judged me she just hugged me and offered me verse's from the bible. Somehow more miraculous was that her secret stayed in these walls no one outside found out the staff made sure her confidence was kept by talking to the kids and parents who all seemed to band together to help her. Which lifted her spirits up so much.

Noah loved to look at the statue of Danny who's the creator she would kneel in front of it and pray. She became a little helper always volunteering in the playroom to help little kids with activates and read to them during Chemo

she changed babies diapers which was something I had never seen before! She loved those kids she even helped with homework well as much as a 9 year old could.

The one thing that was hardest for her was the constant lying down she is such an active kid that this part alone killed her but it was necessary three days after she was given the drugs she started having the side effects nausea, headaches and vomiting her bp went up and the sheer exhausting began but what amazed me the most was during all of this she kept her sense of humor always making jokes with sign language and teasing nurses and doctors who were usually caught off guard and made it that much more funnier. One time when her doctor Dr. Elena Nelia

[who is an amazing human and a fabulous

doctor who wanted to see this cancer

die quick and painful with little pain to miles]

Came in she hide her stethoscope and when she found it a host of balloons filled with shaving cream hit her right in the face then Noah attacked her with red confetti spray we got some awesome pics out of that and the smiles and laughters .I got from miles and Noie still fill me with pride Elena bless her took it all in stride even getting into it going after both of them to hug them and tickle Noah..making miles laugh so hard she almost wet herself.

For her 17th birthday the whole hospital celebrated we had a 80's themed party all the kids got to dress up a local store donated all the outfits there was a dance floor and even though she couldn't stand her dad and her danced anyway it was amazing. The whole staff gathered on stage to sing to her .

Later that week we sat outside the hospital had set up a picnic for us we ate under the stars while Noie and Bras chased each other and caught fireflies. Brandi's boyfriend Sam was here for the weekend so they cuddled as he strummed his guitar miles lay in her daddy's arms as he named stars and he cracked jokes, I saw his face light up as he held her in his arms cuddling her treasuring that moment .The look on his face was one of pure joy as he held his little girl and kept her safe in his arms but his eyes told the pain of how much he wished he could keep her there safe forever in those arms.

Those times were desperately needed cause there were so many setbacks like when she developed a condition called Hyperkalemia which was caused by Tumor Lysis Syndrome it means high potassium hers went up dangerously high and she needed medicine to control it but every time she tried to swallow the Sodium polystyrene sulfonate she gagged and threw up it got to the point where she was so weak she couldn't sit up myself or Brandi had to lay in bed with her and hold her up as she vomited while holding her hair back and putting a cloth on her head. The doctors wanted to put a tube in her she refused she hated tubes and wires..she was determined to swallow that stuff even if it killed her. Which brought me to the question that I think every body who knows someone with a serious illness asks "Is the treatment worse then the disease? She developed mouth sores from the chemo which were so bad it made eating impossible even drinking was a chore many times I tried to give her coke her favorite drink but she would scream silently and cry cause her mouth burned not eating became a serious concern she needed strength to fight this monster which has already taken over so damn fast she was back at that stage where she couldn't walk her left side was paralyzed she had trouble talking we had to strain to hear whatever she said when she could talk her tongue was paralyzed as well she was too weak to hold a spoon which lead us to the obstacle of who to feed her Brandi would get frustrated when she tried to help her and she pushed her away. Brasion would make fun of her he never stopped being himself which provided a sense of relief on one level he wasn't letting this change him or their relationship on the other we needed her to eat. Billy tried his hardest but it was hard for him to see his little girl suffering and she hated to see him sad so she tried but she just couldn't swallow and that left her scared of seeing him hurt, as soon as I would take the spoon she would get cranky she was tired of feeling helpless and having me do everything for her it was bad enough losing control of her bladder from the weakness in her kidneys she had a few accidents at night which let me tell you as much as it sucks when little kids wet the bed it's worse for a big kid who then suffers through the whole pride thing nights were hell she would have awful nightmares where she would wake up in a pool of sweat shivering or burning up thrashing around as she tried to scream but her voice produced no sounds..tears would well up and she would bang the sheets in frustration . Brandi and I would cuddle her and try to get her to tell us what they were about but she would bury her face and shake her head. I hated seeing her in so much pain and not being able to help.

Now not being able to eat is the final nail for a kid who loves food it left us in a place of who do we turn to?

The staff tried everything they were willing to make whatever she wanted whenever she wanted it but she just had no desire and they kept at her to eat naming everything possible Noah loved it and she was treated to whatever she wanted as well but miles didn't care.

Sometimes the answers are right under our noses and we just have them too far up in the air to see while all of us grownups were in a meeting , All trying to get a way to help her we failed to see that we already had a miracle right in the room little Noie without us around she was finally able to spend some time with her sister climbing into the bed she took charge in those few moments .Brandi who was keeping an eye on things said she saw their roles change. Miley became the little sister as Noah took over the role of big sister protector and guider she pretended they were playing school and miles was the student who had to learn todays lesson table manners and in her child like way she made miley stop whining and start eating..she helped her holding the spoon she showed her the excises the therapist had shown us and how to do them with patience and humor..miles did what she was told when she missed Noie made a joke as she wiped her mouth and helped her get more applesauce or pudding on her spoon she could only manage soft foods that slide down easy . She helped her to dress to wash up all while joking and being stern telling her she couldn't whine if Noie wasn't allowed to as miles always told her when she use to get her and Bras up for school at 6 am then she couldn't either. When I got into the room miles and Noah were sitting up playing guitar hero .Noah kicking her butt she had minimal makeup on and was dressed in sweats and a tee shirt her Frank and Derel shirt Brandi's band [miles ever the proud sister never failed to support her sibs] it was a great site!

Physical therapy was one of the most toughest obstacles we could face for a girl use to running across stages and jumping around being free. Not being able to use one half of her body was pure hell for her she couldn't even lift her arm or leg her neck was only able to stay up right for part of the time so the therapists had their job cut out for them she was determined to walk and she wanted to do it immediately not tomorrow today! But her determination could only carry her so far with a body that was weighed down by a tumor on a war path determined itself to win.

Not just the tumor but the damn chemo itself was causing her problems sometimes she had diarrhea so bad that it caused cramps so bad she could barely stand other times she was constipated and couldn't sit up never mind stand she was literally doubled over almost screaming her face would turn beat red from the pain and not being able to vocalize .Billy Brandi and I would hold her till she either got drugs to go to sleep or passed out from pain. The therapists she had Amy Devina and Henry Wrong were incredible with her patient yet strong willed when she wanted to quit they kept up her spirits and reminded her of why she wanted to get better, Still it was difficult for her and they understood that.

Imagine losing control of half your body it starts with a little tremor and turns into total numbness then becomes paralyzed then your eye sight goes next your voice ..well put yourself into her position her voice is her life it's how she makes a living it's what she loves to do how can she act without the ability to voice words how can she bring her music to life when she has no outlet for her songs? Then to turn on the TV and see yourself as you use to be a special on you or just your TV show, I can recall a few times when this would get her down one in particular when she had a grueling session and she had been trying to relearn how to pick up a fork to feed herself but her arm remained stiff , the radiation was helping to shrink the tumor but not as fast as she wanted. Henry kept encouraging her but her arm just wouldn't hold itself up long enough her fingers wouldn't release their grasp to wrap around the fork and she was getting frustrated not one to cry and unable to scream she was helpless to voice her frustration it was being trapped in hell at its scariest. So she did what any rational kid does she swept her good arm against the table and knocked it all off and attempted to storm off but with one leg well that was a lot harder then she planned on the result was her falling flat on her face which made it more embarrassing for the first time in a long time. I saw tears well up in her eyes as she pleaded with me and Brandi to take her back to her room, but we only picked her up and dusted her off and made her try harder. This time we sat with her and encouraged her, Brandi in a attempt to sympathize with her glued Popsicle sticks to her right hand and tied it up and tried to pick up a fork which brought a small smile to mile's face even earning a kiss from her little sister. The session didn't go much better but she was at least able to see that people cared and it wasn't hopeless. Later that night it was bath time which is a project but Brandi and I tried to do it as painless as possible Brandi helped her change from her clothes as I prepared the bath usually a Rn stayed in with us in case she ran into any trouble medically which was a embarrassment on a good day today was no such good day she was cranky from therapy sick from Chemo with a killer headache and nauseated plus Radiation made her itchy and tired. Brandi helped her to stand as she made her try to pull her pants off with her good hand while keeping her balance miles tried hard but she just couldn't do it and she kept falling finally she pushed Brandi off and crawled to the bathroom hoping I would do it for her but I was just as determined as Brandi and made her try as well, she managed to get one leg off but the other kept getting stuck and she lost her balance. Frustrated with me she pushed me off and started hitting me, which for a girl who was as sick as she was she hit harder then you would think she made quite a few bruises. Finally she collapsed in my arms exhausted and frustrated. Rubbing her back I tried to calm her down rocking her as I felt the tears fall against me soon my own started to fall it was hell on her well imagine being the mother of this child being the one who had to push her and keep her trying knowing how much this was hurting her. After an hour and a half she was calm enough to get back to work so Brandi and I helped her to stand and wouldn't you know those damn pants slide right off...relaxing in the bath she leaned against my arms as I wrapped them around her shoulders , her head fell onto my chest looking at her. I saw her as she once was a tiny baby. I use to cradle in my arms when she would rest her tiny little head against my breasts . I would stroke her head then which was a lot balder then, now her hair was much thicker even as it was thinning from Chemotherapy. I saw her flash before my eyes as she grew up from that little baby to a toddler learning how to crawl and walk to a child of eight learning cheerleader moves and to a 12 year old entering the Hannah set for the first time, how she always did everything with such energy and determination, I thought of how she was basically having to start all over again this time she knew what she was missing. My heart broke as I ran the soap over her sleeping body. Watching her chest rise and fall. I remembered how I vowed at her christening that I would protect her from harm , pushing back tears I saw that was impossible now no matter how much you love your child you can't protect them forever. Drying my eyes .I gently roused her and helped her wash her body which had to be taken slowly she was sore in so many areas her breasts were so tender it hurt to even touch them she would wince and almost cry out she bruised so easy her legs were covered thanks to the lack of red blood cells making her anemic .I let her have her privacy when she washed down there as I held her up she was exhausted just from that ,Brandi helped her dress she was too tired to fight. Laying in bed we waited for Billy to come with the kids, so Brandi turned on the TV Disney channel came on Noah had been watching it last quickly Bran reached for the remote but Hannah Montana's video. I wanna Know You came on and she danced across the screen with David Archie ,tears welled up in her beautiful eyes as I held her close and she tried to sign ...frustrated she pounding her fists against the bed when we couldn't figure out what she was signing. Brandi stroked her hair as she placed her face in my chest her chest rose and fell heavily I wasn't sure if she was crying or not. Still I rubbed her back and whispered words of love and encouragement to her. As if this wasn't enough all that pent up anger made her head start to hurt which brought on waves of dizziness so strong she started to vomit not a little but so much so that Brandi had to hold her from passing out Baron and Julie paged Elena as the waves kept coming and her body was shaking and sweating so bad we had to get her undressed quickly to get her temp lowered they started taking towels and soaking them in cold water to press against her body as Brandi kept holding her talking to her telling her it would be okay. Singing to her kissing her whatever worked...till we finally got her temp under control and she was given a shot to stop the vomiting.

Eventually it was her dad who figured out she was saying " _I wanna be like that I wanna be whole again_" he came with roses and chocolates for her, the kids were full of stories of their day Brasion told of how he and his friend Adam had went for a long horse trail ride and spied on some hot girls and Noah told of school and the talent show and how she had played kickball at gym and kicked it so far that even her teacher refused to run for it. How she had played on the juggle gym and hung upside down. Miles loved hearing these stories usually she would wait anxiously all day for Noah to come, today it only reminded her what she was missing and it didn't take long to break down in tears again , eating dinner proved to be another challenge . She couldn't open her mouth her jaw had locked shut so we had to puree all the foods and try to get them in the inch she could open, but puree food is nasty and she wanted no part in it, even the chocolate ensure health shake she refused. Noah tried getting her to eat but she simply took the covers and pulled them over her head. So Billy asked Brandi to take the kids to the cafe and get them snacks while he talked to her , I excused myself to go find the nurse to get more blankets and talk to her doctor. She wanted to insert a feeding tube in her if she didn't start to eat soon I knew she would hate that. At this point however it was the only way I could see, but I was wrong all she really needed was a little daddy time by the time I got back to the room he had her in his arms and was getting her to not only write with her limp hand he had pureed the chocolates into a milkshake like drink and she was slowly sipping it. Plus she had a little smile on her face as she wrote whatever she was writing. I stayed in the doorway and watched amazed at what Billy could do with her. She fell asleep in his arms when he looked up and saw me .I was crying with no shame he motioned for me to come over so I did and curled up with them, miles slept between us like she use to when she was little. When Brandi returned Noah turned on the TV again and watched a Hannah Montana Marathon. Miles woke up at the episode with Lily and Oliver stared to date , she laid against her Dad and he shared backstage secrets making us all laugh and her smile in remembrance . Later that night she texted Emily and asked how she was doing it was harder with one hand to both balance and type but slowly she did and Emily told her some funny stories about what was happening on her tour. She turned to me and whispered '_ Mom I wanna fight_" and my little girl did harder then I ever thought possible.

Her blood pressure kept going up too fast and down too fast they had to keep trying different medications which had all kinds of effects. She had so many different meds that she had a host of side effects ranging from dry skin to rashes to chronic coughs insomnia and cold spells dizziness and loss of taste.

Leaving her was not an option even though I worried about Noie I had to let Billy take the job of being her parent over simply because Miles needed me not only as her mom but as a nurse she had a few bad experiences with them in Washington and was not at all ready to trust anyone, and some of her problems that arrived cause of Chemo were very personal and even though Brandi was there no one can take the place of a mom.

One such time was after receiving Chemo on a Tuesday that Wednesday she became very tired even more so then normal in the middle of therapy she became very dizzy and asked to stop but her therapist wanted to keep going and kept pushing her but she was instantiating on stopping and resting for a few minutes now for miles this was huge she wanted to walk and to get better she usually pushed them to keep going but for some reason she wanted to stop. Well Billy took the therapists side and kept her going with stories of filming and what she could do when she got out. Somehow though I just knew she needed to stop and made sure she was heard quickly. I grabbed her arm and in those few moments .I saw how blue she was..wrapping my arms around her she collapsed against my chest and I heard her breathing so fast that she couldn't catch her breath we barely made it four steps before she smashed her hand against her head the only way she could tell us she was in pain and then her legs gave out. Billy ran over and helped me get her to the nearest bench as I sat her head fell against my legs and all I could do was stroke her hair as the therapist ran and got nurses who grabbed a stretcher Billy picked her up and carried her to it she was so pale and so blue. I was shaking in fear quickly her doctor was paged and medical personal rushed around. Seeing my little girl passed out unable to breathe scared the hell out of me...

After tests she was diagnosed with Dyspnea which is shortness of breath, it was as bad as it was for her because of her heart condition and her heart attack her heart was too weak to handle it. Which lead to a artery bursting and her having to be rushed to surgery to prevent a heart attack again. She was in there for hours all I could do was pace and cry. Billy held me as he tried to be strong for the kids. She came through the surgery but she was incredibly weak and was placed in PPCU [ Pediatric Progressive Care Unit ] only two visitors 18 years over were allowed in for 10 minutes at a time and we had to be in full isolation grub seeing my little girl laying there hooked to machines struggling to breathe was pure hell the guilt I felt weighed on me heavily miley was my child .I knew she hadn't been well for months but she kept swearing she was fine it was just a cold just a sore throat just the flu. So I believed her stress the doctor said I took her word but deep inside I had known but I had been too damn busy with life to take her to another doctor demand tests. Now she was sick enough to die and I only had myself to blame.

Miley devolved a infection while in ICU called C Diff which was caused by a antibiotic she had to be pulled from that drug but she was weakened so bad from it that she remained unstable her colon was effected as well as her kidneys. During this time the nurses were so compassionate as well as the child life specialists who were always checking on Billy and I asking us to walk with them and getting us to talk they kept telling us we weren't to blame and we were doing everything we could for her.

She was placed on oxygen round the clock for three weeks which set back her therapy in the middle of the 3rd week she was able to get up and do little things like use the bath room on her own but she was so weak I had to help her stand and stay with her and hold her up as she used the toilet not something she wanted Daddy for during this trip she had to pee so bad she asked me in sign language to hurry up and get her in there she was grabbing her stomach in pain so bad she felt light headed so I did the only thing I could I carried her. I noticed her color drop as soon as she started going and as I helped her up so she could wipe herself. I saw the blood bright red filling the bowl and she started to collapse in my arms not wanting a nurse in for this .I helped her clean herself wash her hands and got her back to bed before paging the doctor myself. Elena as she asked us to call her came right away and had no problem with me taking charge she was very understanding in miley's feelings. Blood tests were ordered and within hours we found out she had low blood counts due to the AML and the Chemo which were causing clotting problems and mixed with her period and her heart problems it was dangerously close to bleeding to death. The low blood counts also caused nose bleeds so bad she would pass out. She had to have a few platelet transfusions a week. Mommy to the rescue there I would sit with her and read to her whatever she wanted as she had to lay perfectly still. I didn't mind however any time I got to spend with my gorgeous darlin' was worth it to me. Then there were the infections which left her confused and sick Brandi and I sat with her and kept repeating the same answers she would sign something we would answer five minutes later she would sign the same thing. The fevers and the seizors they were scary one time I was grabbing coffee as she received whole blood .I left Brandi in charge and miles fell asleep only to wake up and ask for a Pepsi..she was strictly a coke drinker so this would of set off a alarm with me but Brandi assumed it was a side effect of Chemo screwing up her taste..so she turned to go get it and miles went into a grand mal her whole body went limp and she started twisting and jerking her head thrashed and Brandi freaked calling for a nurse ,doctor who took forever to come I got there before they did hearing my daughter screaming two halls away. Quickly I grabbed miles and steadied her head, my heart was racing the whole time as I timed her seizor which lasted almost five minutes before her body went limp and she gave a slight moan, she didn't wake up I noticed she was sweating like crazy and feverish, also she had wet herself. The chemo also caused urinary tract infections and water retention . She also had low blood pressures and high fevers which caused shock like symptoms. Her headaches were so bad she would sometimes just lay there curled up in a ball and hold her head trying not to cry . Through this whole ordeal what amazes me is how much everyone here cares not just for her but for all of us there was one nurse Cindy who was 42 and was like a mother to Brandi always taking her for coffee and to the chapel giving her moments away from miles where she could express how she was feeling without putting it on miley and I. Which I would of gladly had taken away from her if she had let me but she refused wanting to protect us and thankfully they knew that and were all about helping her. There were people who took Brasion and Noah under their wings as well. A male nurse Robbie who was in his 20's took him out to play ball and ride horses and got him to talk about his feelings and helped him see what was normal and how to deal he shared his story about his sister Kendal who had a type of cancer called Teratoid/Rhabdoid Tumor she fought for 2 years before she passed away 10 years ago .Robbie's story helped Brasion a lot but made us sad and all too aware how precious our time with her could be and is.

There were a few times when her counts remained high enough that we could take her home she relished those times her Brandi and Noah would lie in bed and play video games she wasn't allowed out much cause she was still on chemo but just being home having us cook home made food even if she could only eat a few bits. Sleeping and waking up in her own bed being with her family and animals which she had to wear a mask to be around. That did her a world of good, the media however was a ever present stalker that she had to avoid to keep her secret, she would make jokes about it though that she knew what Hannah went through living a double life. Her sense of humor amazed us. Billy and her were able to work on music and just jam which made her so happy , Sometimes he would carry her out at night when the paps were gone and they would go for trail rides she would usually fight off sleep just to spend time with her Daddy. There was also the tire swing which he would push her in she loved the feel of the wind ripping through her hair. Brasion would take her for rides on his four wheel ATV which was down right generous of him since his dad gave it to him and he wouldn't let him ride it, but I would watch them interact and see that he did care about her more then he would ever admit by how gentle he was with her. Even though he teased her he never hurt her sometimes she'd fall asleep so he would carry her inside and not let anyone take her till he had her settled in bed and Brandi or I would change her. He also gave up afternoons with his friends to play cards with her when she was too weak to go out or too sick. He volunteered to give blood along with Brandi. Noah wanted to as well but we felt she was too young. Sometimes we ate outside as a family. Her Grandparents loved to fuss over her which she hated but endured for their sakes. I caught my mom who lives with us crying a few times as she watched her. It was my turn to be a mom to my mom. That's one of the many examples of cancer and its power. I was so grateful to have her now more then ever there were times when I needed to break and I didn't want to share with Billy who was going through what I was as well, so she would hold me and let me cry just like when I was a kid. She would read to me from the bible and tell me stories of what she went through.

Miles hated having to leave to go back to the hospital. Noah and Emily Grace took it the hardest though every time they would cry and cling to her and beg her to just get well so she could come home forever and ever...Brasion would have to pry them off..which always made miles sad and angry..usually at herself she would think she wasn't fighting as hard as she could which tore me up because no one saw as much as I did how hard this girl was fighting to reclaim what was stolen. Being home allowed Billy and I to spend time together as well with her grandparents around they were more then happy to watch the kids so we could go for long walks and swim in the pool. Or be alone in our room. We tried to make it about us at those times and not the kids but its hard when a child has a illness like cancer well there's really no escaping it. But I was blessed with the best husband who was so understanding and supportive. That whatever I said or felt he took it and accepted it he never made me feel stupid for crying when I watched her try to walk without support when no one was around. He just held me and kissed me and told me he understood. He made dinner and cleaned the house when I was too exhausted and never made me feel like it was my job. He gave up working to stay with the kids. And he did an amazing job as well. He gave me massages and bought me little presents so I would feel sexy and so I would feel like someone else remembered I was effected by this as well.

I was extremely grateful I saw a lot of parents in St. Jude's who had so much worse often a parent had to quit their only paying income to stay with a sick kid a lot were single parents who's insurance ran out after so many tests and treatments. A lot who were married fought like crazy to the point were divorce was the next step. Many told us we would end up like that, it was a huge fear for me it was hard enough to be apart during tours..but at least we had a sort of time frame then. Plus we were bringing in money..not that we worried about money it wasn't a issue really, but still it made me see how easy a family who didn't have enough could go broke, Billy took care of most of the bills but I saw a few and was outraged by how much even a simple CBC [ Complete blood count which is a routine lab they due every day] was over thousands , I made friends with a few of those families struggling. Miles wanted to help all of them but we couldn't do that as much I know she wanted to.

Then came the devastation of hair loss called Alopecia it happens in almost all cases of cancer treating Chemotherapy's sometimes slow sometimes fast some people get it at once others a little at a time..for miles it happened shortly after her party while we were getting ready for bed we were joking around as Brandi teased both girls. Billy and Brasion were playing Rock Band not sure who was wining they were both pretty vocal and I was trying to e-mail Edi who was one of the few who knew she was my source of strength. When Noah and Brandi had started a contest who was going to comb her hair and Brandi pulled the comb through only to have a few large clumps fall out in her hands both girls were stunned into silence but it was miles who made a joke about using it to sew Bras mouth shut..he of course retailed so the hair war began it was me who was left stunned as they battled over hair jokes and miles threatened to cut off his hair so he would match her thus ending the bald jokes he was currently slinging at her here I was thinking she would be inconsolable since she was use to having the best hair in holly wood this is the girl who's been know to drop thousandths at the salon..yet she was taken it in stride..I was amazed and Billy well he started silently crying he's always loved her hair..so it was him I ended up holding as he bawled like a baby.. a big hairy baby.

The other part of a long illness is the effect it has on families while we worried about the kids would Bras and Brandi understand why we had to spend so much time with her and not feel over looked how were we suppose to tell Trace who was out of the country on tour with little communication miles did not want him to come home  
She wanted him on tour doing what he loved and Noah who was so young how much did she understand? It was the kids who banded together to make it easier on us, Brandi and Bras kicked us out and told us to be alone they would watch Noah and Miles who was sleeping due to yesterdays Chemo so Billy and I went out and tried to focus on us as always he was romantic and sweet and charming we went for a moon lite walk a light dinner and dancing we kissed and just enjoyed being together and even made time to have a little love making. It was what we needed to keep up this fight a fight we were determined to win!

It was also what helped us to see that even if we disagree on some things we always agreed on our love for our kids and each other and made me relax pushing away my fears that this would ruin our marriage as a lot of parents we met were telling us.

She fought hard and never -well almost never complained..what amazed me was her line of thinking well if this is hard for me how do other kids deal? Kids who are too young to understand? There were times she would lay awake and cry over them I would hold her and think how did I get blessed with such a kind generous young hero? Radiation made her cranky and exhausted a bad combo so we tried everything to keep her settled magazines not good when your in them all the time...books only good for so long when you've already read them all...TV again the whole Celebrity thing..what helped her was the little kids here. Since she couldn't move on her own she would ask Brandi to wheel her down to the play room where their were always young kids who needed a friend she would play with them for hours talk to them help them with homework, Make arts and crafts with them. I'll never get the image out of my head of her in the nursery holding a little baby girl who was only 6 months old and in for DIPG she was rocking her to sleep singing to her talking to her the little girl Karla calmed down her big blue eyes staring up at her it brought tears to my eyes, I could see her in a few years with her own daughter doing just that afterwards she lay in bed with me and Brandi who's head rested on my shoulder and she told me how much she missed Mandy how holding Karla brought back all the plans they had made she could see Mandy pregnant since they planned on Mandy having their first baby then down the road miles would have their second, she could feel Mandy's stomach in her hands as she caressed her she told me she missed her so much she wanted to call her but she did not want her to see her like this ever..I tried to talk to her but she was amendment no one was to know..she fought through several infections each presented new challenges for the doctors who hit her with every drug and treatment they had..each had their own side effects as well from diarrhea to constipation to headaches body aches dizziness low blood counts high bp's low bp's ...

Finally the day arrived we were praying for she was given a Bone Marrow Aspiration and when the results came in she was in remission! So we started our plan she wanted to go back on tour I'm not sure how she thought this was going to happen with her Paralysis but she was it was something she was determined to have happen so we in listed some high profile people she wasn't happy about telling people but she wanted this so she accepted it the first person we told was Anne Swen co-chair of Disney channel who miles has always had a problems with she's always tried to change her make her more kid friendly limit who she is which miles hates..but I knew if anyone could help us she could..I had my hesitations but she responded with grace and determination to bring miles wish to lifeshe also came right over and hugged her telling her Disney would be behind her 100 % which made her smile. Billy's brother Mick who's also miles tour manager worked endlessly with stage crews to have everything ready in time..remission meant new drugs for DIPG Temozolomide was given a newly approved chemo drug used to treat DIPG. Corticosteroids another name for legal steroids it helps to prevent nausea and vomiting but what was embarrassing to her was the use of hormone drugs to help prevent her breasts from growing which could be used to help the cancer grow which feed off natural hormones in the body, she was very worried about what boys would think if she didn't have breasts since she's always been blessed with big breasts. To me it was a small trade to have my daughter alive but I understood and would hold her and tell her it was only temporary. Those drugs were given along with the highest dosage of radiation. She was also put on drugs to help improve her immune system, Aemtuzumab was one such drug. After two more months we got word that the tumors were shrinking and we were ready to go back on the road. At her last day there they sung the no more Chemo song to her and Noah danced in the middle of the floor like she was dancing to a rap video which made us all laugh a bunch of the little kids joined her..

_Our patients have the cutest smile_

_Our patients have the sweetest heart_

_Although we love to see you each and every day_

_Now it's time to say _

_Pack up your bags and get out the door_

_You don't get Chemo any more _

So off we went back on tour and she kept up it going we wanted to do whatever she wanted as long as she was happy we hired a nurse and a doctor to travel with us they administered the new type of chemo. Methotrexate plus she was placed on leucovorin calcium to help rescue normal cells cause she was on the highest dosage of leucovorin calcium. Every other week she had radiation so we went to the hospital in that city that we had preselected which would be all ready for her, she never let it get her down. She was still funny and sweet she was just miles...us? Well we were living in shell shock. I was afraid to let her alone at night and slept with her every night afraid she would pass away in the middle of the night, which isn't to say I slept. I stayed up reading everything I could on her cancers the information was over whelming …I learned that A Diffuse Pontine Glioma or Brainstem glioma is a high-grade, or malignant, tumor. This type of tumor arises in the Glial (supportive) tissue of the lowest, stem-like part of the brain, which controls many vital functions such as movement ,breathing. Diffuse Pontine Gliomas account for 10-15 percent of all childhood central nervous system tumors.

Gliomas are heterogeneous tumors that are classified according to their most aggressive appearing elements. The World Health Organization classification scheme includes 4 grades of glioma. The pathological grade of diffuse pontine gliomas is not always established. Only 25-30 percent of these tumors are biopsied. Their clinical course is most consistent with their being the most aggressive form of astrocytic tumor or the grade IV glioblastoma multiforme. These tumors are characterized as being of astrocytic origin but having increased numbers of cells (hypercellularity), abnormal cells and nuclei (cytologic and nuclear atypia), increased proliferation of cells (mitoses), increased cell death (necrosis) and increased growth of blood vessels (vascular endothelial proliferation). These are aggressive tumors that infiltrate adjacent normal brain tissue and have a significant tendency to spread outside of the central nervous system. Reading this made me wonder what kind of chance did we even have? I was now starting to see why so many families who have a kid with this type of cancer chose not to fight and just let the child have what ever time they had left with the survival rate as low as it is Median survival is less than 1 year and the 2-year survival rate is less than 20 percent. But miles wanted to fight so I wasn't letting her down. Acute myeloid leukemia (**AML**), also known as acute myelogenous leukemia, is a cancer of the myeloid line of blood cells, characterized by the rapid growth of abnormal white blood cells that accumulate in the bone marrow and interfere with the production of normal blood cells. AML is the most common acute leukemia affecting adults, and its incidence increases with age. Although AML is a relatively rare disease, accounting for approximately 1.2% of cancer deaths in the United States,[1] its incidence is expected to increase as the population ages.

We managed Brandi was a huge help..for 5 months we kept going ..Miles had called Mandy to try to talk to her but she could never get through. I even tried her mom but Donna wasn't answering , miles started to lean on Nick she still wasn't trusting him but she needed someone she didn't tell him she was sick but he seemed to know something was up. I saw that they spent a lot of time together talking and trying to re build their trust. I didn't tell them that I saw them share a kiss or two from time to time. As long as she was happy that's all I cared about..but still a big part of me longed for Mandy I still recalled our talk at camp when I saw that ring, which I had never told miles about, but I remembered the look in Mandy's eyes and I knew she loved her in the purest ways that Nickolas could never. And in truth I loved that girl like my own child I didn't let just anyone call me mom.

A/N please visit St. Jude's website and see what u can do to help fight these devastating illness robbing us of our children like Danny Thomas said

" No Child Should Die In The Dawn Of Life"

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	39. Chapter 39 Tears Of An Angel prt 2

**MILEY'S P O V**

**A/N this chapter will be one of the mature chapters**

I was never the type of person to be held down before this so there was no way in hell this was stopping me it did however get me thinking that I was no longer promised tomorrow that each day .I lived was a blessing so I needed to stop wasting time on stupid shit like grudges, I wasn't by any means over what Nick had cost me my one true love but I didn't hate him after all he was doing it cause he loved me and wanted me how can u really fault someone who would go through all that for you? Besides Nick saw beyond just my outer appearance and into what was inside, he loved me for who I am inside. He knew what it was like to fight for life and I started to see maybe that's why he did what he did cause he knew before I did how precious each day was and he didn't want to waste time we weren't sure we had.

We were in Memphis on tour when I ran into him and his brothers again we both had some free time so we grabbed lunch which pretty much made me feel like I was going to vomit but I fought it off focusing on his eyes he had the most amazing soulful eyes, he was so soft spoken. Even as he joked with his brothers who were throwing spit balls his hand slipped into mine. He must of seen it was making me ill so he asked me to go for a walk we walked along the river and held hands, I didn't need words I just needed to be held to be told I was beautiful he did that without fail we danced under a weeping willow tree laughed at old stories. We played some baseball with kids in the park I helped the little girl throw a ball and made sure she knew where to aim just below the belt he helped the little boy hold a bat .Later we went for pizza .I felt hungry so I ate four slices thank you steroids ...then we went to a rodeo we screamed and laughed..okay I screamed as the bull came racing towards me [ it felt great to have my voice back and my movement thanks to the radiation ] and he laughed at me as I jumped into his arms..we took crazy pictures...he taunted the bull as I yelled at him as the animal looked at him like yea right kid go home...later I wasn't feeling so well I was dizzy and nausea but I refused to tell him..thankfully he saw it and thought my blood sugar was out of whack which happens on tour a lot so he took me back to his hotel room and got me some water and crackers after laying down for awhile .I felt better so we cuddled to watch some old classic movies. We started to kiss I felt myself getting aroused and started to climb on top of him his hands traveled up my shirt running circles over my back small moans escaped me as his kisses lingered inside my mouth our clothes slide off as our hands explored each others bodies we rolled as we kissed and touched his fingers slide inside of me. I gasped and squealed as my whole insides came alive. I wanted him so bad when his tongue made contact with my clitoris I thought I would explode I couldn't stop the squeals and moans that escaped..

**NICK**

I wasn't born yesterday I knew something was seriously wrong with her but she didn't want anyone to know stupid pride, so I kept quite and just enjoyed the fact that she was in my arms again. I watched her as she slept she looked gorgeous and peaceful. It made me feel so awesome to have her as my GF again she was so selfless in everyday activates it made me feel like crap to know how I got her she would of never done the things I did and I knew she hadn't forgiven me hell. I couldn't even forgive myself. In that moment though it didn't matter she was in my arms and that's what counted .I kissed her head and felt she was burning up, her fever was so high it scared me I wanted to yell for my mom but I didn't want her to wake...At that moment my cell went off stirring her

_Miles? [me]_

_Nicky I don't feel so well.._

She shot up and ran to the bathroom vomiting like crazy I held her hair back as she kept throwing up groaning she slide to the floor I held her in my arms her bare skin tingled as it touched my bare skin...running my hand over her body .I prayed she would feel better...her chest heaved as if in agony my hands caressed her back running circles slowly they found their way to her breasts which were tender and made her tense god she was gorgeous ..laying naked in my arms..it was amazing..but her vomiting kept getting worse and she started telling me she felt dizzy enough to pass out. Scared for her I went and covered her and hurried to grab pants and go for mom. Mom called hers, Tish was here in 10 minutes neither said anything about the messy sheets or her lack of clothes. I was relived but puzzled. Her mom helped her up and gently got her dressed she was in so much pain she was doubled over groaning but her mom seemed to to be use to it and got her dressed in minutes mine grabbed a blanket and covered her she was shaking and huddled against her mom she barely looked at me as her mom ushered her out. My heart broke .She didn't feel well enough to see me again before we both resumed our tours.

**TISH**

5 months 3 months longer then they told us..it was a gift ..we started to think yea we can beat this we can be the one in a million..then miley got a infection and started throwing up and she developed a nose bleed ..to most it would be simple apply pressure wait for it to stop ...for someone with a low blood count ..deadly... I sat there with her holding her applying pressure hoping we'd make it to a hospital but we were miles away from the nearest and she was growing weaker and weaker her temp rose a sure sign of infection ..infections in someone on chemo with a lowered immune system..deadly...so I prayed hard and hoped..but by the time we got here she was passed out raging fever full blown infection. The bleed was caused by a hemorrhage in her brain she had to be rushed into surgery to stop the bleeding and tie off the artery and replace the blood loss which she needed multiply transfusions.

She was put on antibiotics but she went into Septic shock her kidneys shut down and she developed pneumonia, and had to be hooked back to a vent she slipped into a coma 3 days later and has been in it for 5 weeks . We were told to prepare for the inevitable..but how do u do that prepare to say good-bye to your child? We started making calls..I was stuck call Mandy or don't? Miles prob wouldn't ever wake up she'd never know ...but I would she made me promise not to call her...but was it fair to Mandy? She should have the choice ..but what if she chose not to come and miles did wake up? That would kill her...so I made the decision based on a mothers love ,I loved both girls. I didn't want Mandy hurt any more and she was the one who was hurt the most out of all of this...but I didn't call Mandy herself...

**DONNA'S P O V**

_Mom seriously when can I go out with Brian?_

_It's been almost six months I swear I'm doing so much better! _

_Please mom I'll double date with someone [Mandy]_

_Like who? [me]_

_Who do u want me 2 ? [Mandy]_

I knew she was desperate to go out by herself I could see the spark in her eyes and I knew she was telling the truth, for the first time in years .I honestly felt she was getting well. After her attempt we had sat down as a family [ along with Laura, Dominique, Noreen and Brooke] who were all mad as hell at her but loved her madly and had a intervention with her it wasn't fun or pretty there was a lot of yelling and tears but she had agreed to get help it was rough at first she moved in with Gordan and I and I monitored everything for the first 3 months she went to work and home that was it she was driven to and from at home she had to eat without throwing up or excising and she had no contact with alcohol. It's been months and she's doing amazing the biggest change is that she stopped pinning over miles and she's dating this sweet guy Brian from her AAA class he's a sweat heart. So she's been asking to go out for awhile now but I am still afraid..seeing her laying in all her blood is something. I will never get out of my mind. Gordan tells me I'm being to protective but he didn't see what I saw. Still the therapist says we all need to earn trust back. I watched her as she sliced up the veggies for dinner she was bouncing I saw the old Mandy back grinning ear to ear..

_Okay fine u 2 can go out_

_Yes! _

_Thank you! I love u momma!_

**MANDY'S P O V**

I couldn't believe how amazing Brian is so sweet and so funny and so talented he can shred on a guitar! We have been dating for 2 months and last month we made love for the first time it was awesome so tender so full of passion ...we can't stop now were always making love every chance he makes me feel so alive so happy..but still I think of her from time to time I pick up the phone to call but I tell myself tomorrow there's always tomorrow ..

Tonight we were going out to Nazi's performance .I couldn't believe it was finally here she had worked so hard to get to this night and she looked amazing shining so bright as she strutted across stage belting out her song. I cuddled with Brian who's arm was wrapped my shoulders he kissed my head. I watched feeling so proud of her wishing I had been a better example for her, her song brought tears to my eyes remembering the first time .I heard her sing and how I had thought of miles non-stop..now I realized that even though I would always love her I had to take all those memories and all those feelings and put them away wrapped tightly in a box inside my heart and maybe one day I could unleash them and think about them without breaking down.

**Garret**

_Garret hon can u get the phone? [mom]_

_No mom I chopped off my hand [me]_

_Cute well re sew it [mom]_

_Damn thanks for the concern mom [me]_

_Hello?_

_Garret?_

_Yes who's this?_

_Tish miley's mom_

My heart stopped what did she want? My sister was finally happy again..I wasn't about to let anyone ruin that..but I wasn't a idiot I knew something was wrong.. her voice shock..she seemed ridden with sadness..

_Is your mom there?_

_I need to speak with her and I'm short on time_

Short on time? She had no idea what short on time was try watching your sister cling to life...that was short ..she was just in a hurry to up miles career ...I was just about to hang up when mom snatched the phone away...she took it into another room, I gave up and left.

**Mandy**

_What do u want to do tonight? [me]_

I was laying in his arms naked after amazing hot sex and laying my head on his chest we were both breathing heavy.

_I can think of so many things_

_Starting with this..._

_Oh my god Bri..no...ah!_

I squealed as he started to kiss me in my private area holding me down making me squirm and laugh..

_~~Don't stop, make it pop  
DJ, blow my speakers up  
Tonight, I'mma fight  
'Til we see the sunlight  
Tick tock on the clock  
But the party don't stop, no~~  
_

"_Snap my phone hold on..oh my ..Brian stop!_

_Shit it's my mom [me]_

_Go..[Brian]_

He laughed laying down on top of me...laughing I grabbed my phone shaking..

_Hello? [me]_

_Mandy baby..I need to talk to you [Mom]_

_Where are u?_

_I'm at my apartment mom but it's..[me]_

_Something that can't wait I'll be there in 10_

_Call Brian I want him there for support..[mom]_

_Um okay mom no problem...[me]_

Now I was freaked why would she want him here? Was I really going to get that upset?

**SELENA**

_Thanks for taking me Dems [me]_

_No prob what's up? [Dems]_

_I got a letter from Jo she asked to see me [me]_

_Why are u going? [Dems]_

_Cause I need answers..[me]_

We drove in silence till we reached the juvie center she was staying at when we got there I started to feel scared..but I needed answers why did she sabotage my relationship with Nick? I knew it was her...she wrecked my life and she claimed to be a fan what kind of fan does that?

Demi squeezed my arm I smiled at her she has been amazing during all of this .

Jo came in the visiting hall being lead by a officer she was dressed in a orange jumpsuit arms shackled behind her, some woman was waiting with us as well. She looked nervous we skipped formalities so she got down to it

_I know u hate me and I don't blame u_

_Please let me finish I made life hell for u this summer_

_I messed with things I had no place messing with and I am sorry_

_Why? [me]_

_Seems to be a popular question lately [Jo]_

_Skip the jokes were running late we have to work [Dems]_

_Okay sorry [Jo]_

_Long story short I did it cause I wanted what u had _

_So go out and earn it! [Selena]_

_Not the fame or money_

_But dad..[Jo]_

_Huh? [Dems and me]_

_Were sisters Selena we have the same dad_

_My mom met your dad at a conference and they started dating_

_That's why your parents got divorced your mom_

_Found out mine was pregnant with me by him_

_So she divorced him and forced my mom to leave_

_Yea sure try again kid..[me]_

_It's true I have proof..[The woman who was her mom came up]_

_I'm very sorry about all of this I had no idea she was so torn_

_up or I would of never had sent her to camp_

She gave me documents which I had no idea what I was reading but I got the general idea it was proof...I sat down speechless as her mom went into a story which I barely heard all I could think about was that my dad cheated on my mom..I had a sister..then Jo went on to tell how she broke into my room at camp and went through my pictures and how she had sent out to destroy miles cause she knew miles had wrecked my relationship with Nick so she took pics of Miles and Mandy in bed together kissing ..Yes we were both in shock it explained so much her reaction to my news about Mandy...her desperation to get her back...she went on and on saying how she had torn up letters and replaced them making miles think Nick had stood her up so she waited in the rain for him to show..how she wrote letters to him from miles telling him how awful he was...I swallowed feeling sick..

_Why are u telling me this now?[me]_

_Cause I know somewhere during all this mess_

_There's a part of u that wants to be friends with miley_

_And I don't want u to wait till it's too late..[Jo]_

_There's no way we can be friends after what she did_

_I will never...[me]_

_She's dying Selena..[Jo]_

_I don't care if..[me]_

_Wait hold up..What? [Dems and me]_

_My aunt works in a hospital in Memphis_

_Miley was brought in a months ago _

_She has cancer she's been fighting it for 6 ½ months_

_She's terminal u need to go to her make up or at least get some peace.._

_Being locked up it gives you time to think and it gives you a prospective_

_I know I need help and I am getting it I need to deal with my own cancer_

_And my own life and part of that is fixing what I broke..._

On the drive home I sat back and reflected were they telling the truth? How sick was this? Did I care if she was sick? She had ruined my life...Still I remembered all the fun we had in the past I remembered all the Disney projects we worked on together..

_You Care Sel I know you do we should go_

_I ..I'm going [Demi]_

At home I told mom everything she got so mad and threatened to sue them and do all sorts of things but that anger was all I need to conform it I had a sister...then when she heard the rest she took my hands and we cried for hours and talked.

**Mandy**

Confusion raced through my mind as I sat clutching her hand she was sweating and her breathing was labored they said her temp was out of control, her lungs were shutting down..she had been in and out of consciousness since I came three days ago she had woken from the coma but she was slipping away fast we couldn't talk much but we did apologize and I haven't stopped telling her how much I love her she couldn't say much but she was smiling. I lay next to her holding her in my arms her family was being so sweet letting me have as much time with her as I could helping her eat brushing her hair washing up her body she was so thin so delicate but so amazing ..she slept a lot between pain medication and pain itself she was exhausted. I hated seeing her in pain feeling her tense up knowing it was coming but she was so brave never complained. I took in her scent and memorized every last detail of her..I didn't want to sleep so I just held her as she napped but every once in awhile I closed my eyes placing my head on her chest hearing her heartbeat as if trying to make sure ,when I opened them. I was shocked Selena And Demi were there no words were needed they just took our hands and we sat by her..she had so many people who loved her the whole cast came at various times...Disney stars were popping in and out. Kids from camp Nazi and Ella stayed in Memphis to support us..I wish I could say I had found some kind of peace some kind of profound meaning in all of this but that would be bull shit cause there is no rhyme no reason why a gorgeous sweet talented 17 year old has to suffer and die before she really gets to live. Mac sent her love and told us anything we needed to call she was too sick to come out, Zoey and Rian did come it helped to have them they knew what we were going through.

The thing about dying is that its a long process and its different for everyone..some slip away peacefully some are in great pain..others go fast ..some like miles take longer she seemed to be holding on for something ..her mom and dad had come in at one point day unknown ,month who cared? Sometime after noon so we all left to give them time they both looked exhausted and like they had lost weight..

Everyone had gone for lunch I knew mom wanted me to eat but she didn't want to nag so she kept her comments to herself I went for a walk , it was getting to me bad..I knew they all loved her but no one cared the way I did...like they were being ripped apart every time she moaned or cried out...the hospital was on amazing grounds I went to sit under a tree by a water fountain ..closing my eyes I let the tears fall they came faster and faster till my chest ached ...wrapping my arms around myself I shivered feeling sick...the tears went to my mouth I hate that taste so I went to wipe them away..wait how can I do that if...

_Ah! [me]_

_Sorry I wasn't trying to scare u _

_But u looked so cold I just wanted to warm u up_

_Thanks Nick.._

Yes we still hated each other but we had drawn a peace..

_Mandy I needed to tell u _

_...[sighing]_

_Look up at me Nicholas [me]_

_Sorry... miles never wanted me..[Nick]_

_I know she did lets not..[me]_

_No we need to I blackmailed her into being with me_

_I used pics of u 2 in bed naked to make her date me I threatened_

_to go 2 the media_

_She hated me and she loved only u.._

_I'm telling u cuz no one else knows whats it like to be totally and truly in love'_

_Heart n soul with that amazing young women_

_I'm not asking for forgiveness [Nick]_

_Good cause I can't u hurt her u hurt me in ways u will never know_

_But I get it I would do anything to be with her [me]_

_Right now we need to be there for her to love her and help her_

_How can we help her? [nick]_

_We can let her know will be okay and she can let go [me]_

_I don't want her 2 let go thou [nick]_

_Yea like I do? But she's in pain and I never want that for her [me]_

_She's right Nicky we need to put her needs first..[Selena]_

Emily handed me a sand which

_You need to eat Mandy your moms tripping and you need strength [Emily]_

_Alright..thanks [me]_

We sat there for awhile till we went up.

The other thing about death is that sometimes when you think it's near it suddenly steps back and lets you live a little longer, miles not only held on she got stronger and stronger after three weeks she was allowed to go back home after many tests and conferences which her parents came out looking grim, but the doctors let her go home.

She felt okay she could walk better then ever and talk we all took in the sound of her voice it was music..so we decorated the Christmas tree as we hung each ornament we chose a song and who ever was hanging it started we did silly songs which ended in us laughing and making up silly dances and and normal songs which with a bunch of singers ended up as a contest to out due each other, Billy Ray made cookies and hot coca and Tish took photo's lots of them and videos. After wards we cuddled and watched the tree sparkle with life and glitter.

We all went out to celebrate her parents had a dinner at a expensive restaurant..but she could only stay for a few hours she felt too sick ...so I took her up to her room..she leaned against me as we walked up and when we got upstairs she stopped to see every picture hanging on the wall touching every one she shared memories which made me smile and laugh out loud I could see them as if they were happening or as if I had been there. In her room she went around to each wall and each dresser and stared at it and touched every object the ones that meant the most to her she hugged and talked about, she could read the damn dictionary to me and I would find it sexy but I listened close to each word and feared seized me did she know something? Was she trying to prepare me for the inevitable? She hugged each animal and talked to it and went through her closet and started to give me things, I didn't want things though I wanted her but I knew enough to know that she needed to do this so I let her helping her when she needed me. At one point I stood behind her and just wrapped my arms around her taking in her scent. Then she gave me something but made me promise not to open it in front of her, I took it and gave her a kiss which she responded to passionate and hard . Making our way to her bed I felt everything inside of me come to life picking her up .I carried her over she wrapped her arms and legs around me , laying her down I kissed her stomach moving her shirt up and and moving my tongue across her stomach causing her to moan and run her hands over my back as she made quick work of removing my shirt, she held me up as I took it off the rest of the way then she asked me in her husky voice to stay up right so she could view me fully , smiling I did what she asked and watched as she took it all in every curve of my body which made me so glad I had gained weight back, her face went from relaxation to smiles to anticipation to something unreadable as she swallowed breathing heavy which worried me but she nodded she was okay as if reading my mind. She took a moment my arms were starting to burn but I would endure anything to see her happy slowly she kissed every part of my body from my stomach to my breasts which she sucked on each one. Making me moan and groan as my body heat increased making me feel like I couldn't stand it but she held me close as I came down and we started to kiss and roll. We laid in bed talking, kissing...we didn't plan on it but we made love...touching her skin against my bare skin as we kissed and held each other it felt right..her skin was like heaven..her hands on my skin made me feel like I was experiencing the world's giantess orgasm..she was amazing my whole body was on fire our moans mixed as one our legs and our arms couldn't be separated her kisses trailed all over my body we kept moaning each others names as we said we loved each other over and over...when she broke out the vibrator and the dido. I was in shock but there was no way I was denying her...when she asked permission to penetrate me I thought it was so cute I rewarded her with kisses and ran my fingers over her very tender breasts causing her to moan she was so scared but she seemed to know what to do as she wet her fingers and slide them inside of me making me squirm and gasp over and over she went in and out of me till I was gasping so hard I begged her to just use it already. I felt it slip inside of me and while it was so different from a penis it caused the biggest sense of freedom and utopia I could never get with a male...moaning her name. I screamed as she entered me over and over our bodies moved as one as I wrapped one arm around her and used the other to prop myself up so I could see her amazing face as she experienced this for the first time she was set in concentration but her face remained angelic as her chest heaved and her hips thrusted .I could feel myself getting so wet my breathing was impossible as I felt light headed kissing her was my only relief I'm not going to lie it hurt bad but she was so worth it her hands pushed my legs further apart thank god I am so flexible. I lifted my right as far over her head as I could so she could slide deeper making me moan harder as it dove inside me to points no one has ever gone my chest heaved so hard I almost felt like I was going to be ill, swallowing I kept kissing her as she kept going .I held it inside as long as she needed to till she closed her eyes and sighed collapsing safe I let it cum and fell on top of her she kissed me longer then we ever kissed as she took a minute and went down to lick me and kiss me laying me on my back , she laid on top of me catching her breath. I laid on my side holding her in my arms looking at her memorizing everything about her from her amazing eyes to her perfect curves to her sexy hips to her dimples her wavy hair. I didn't want to forget anything about her, when she kissed me I knew she was ready, careful as to not to hurt her I ran my tongue over her private and entered her slow at first building up speed till I was going so fast my damn tongue felt like it would die, she let out a huge gasp letting me know she was ready. I watched her as she laid on her back she had more color in her face the I had seen since I got here but she was still pale running my hand over her face she was sweating but she seemed cool so I took it as she was okay she begged me not to stop, so I let my fingers slide in and prep her more before taking her left leg. I held it up against my waist and pushed the right one as far as she would allow me as I held her hips up to mine and entered her slow at first as she gasped the pain seemed to take over but she begged me not to stop as she held onto me and started sucking on my breast...I started to rock her hips hard and fast making her scream and cry out for more. I felt her grasp me as the pressure started and the blood started I was worried about that but she assured me she was fine..so I took her word and started pushing in harder hearing her moans and squeals of pleasure. I started going faster and harder using my fingers to help open her more. I heard her gasp and yell my name pulling her legs closer I pushed in harder till I was right on top of her and so close our breaths matched as I thrusted inside so hard my own body couldn't take it any more and I came again her breathing became so erratic .I though she was going to have a stroke but she kept pushing me in deeper and deeper till she came all over and collapsed kissing her .I tried to get her to breath normal again she was flushed and gasping but she pulled me to her and held me as we kissed and touched all over..

Magic is all I can say I have never had someone who I made such amazing love to as her...

**"Angel"**

_I feel it, you feel it  
That this was meant to be.  
I know it, you know it  
That you were made for me.  
We can't deny this any longer  
Day by day it's getting stronger.  
I want it, you want it  
It's what the people want to see._

We're like Romeo and Juliet  
Families can't divide us.  
Like the tallest mountain or the widest sea  
Nothings big enough to hide us.  
_When we make love its overwhelming  
I just touch the heavens  
You're an angel, you're an angel_

I said this world, this world.  
Could leave us any day  
_But my love for you, it will never go away.  
And I don't wanna go to sleep  
'cause you are like a dream  
For every night I say a prayer,  
And I swear you are the answer  
You're an angel, you're an angel, you're an angel._

So we take it each moment our love grows  
_I see it, you see it,  
What we have is made of gold  
We're so filled with meaning,  
Nothing can make us shallow.  
So I hold it, and you hold it  
The promise of tomorrow.  
__When we make love its overwhelming  
I just touch the heavens.  
You're an angel, you're an angel_

And I said this world, this world  
Could leave us any day  
But my love for you, it will never go away.  
And I don't wanna go to sleep  
'cause you are like a dream  
For every night I say a prayer,  
And I swear you are the answer  
You're an angel, you're an angel, you're an angel.  


_**Thank you Mandy [miles]**_

_**For what sweetie? [me]**_

_**For being my first..my only lover..[miles]**_

_**Thank you for allowing me..[me]**_

_  
I don't need three wishes  
Well I just need one  
For us to never be finished  
For us to never be done  
When they say it's over  
We'll just say I love you  
And when they say it's finished  
We'll just keep on building._

And I said this world, this world  
Could leave us any day  
But my love for you, it will never go away.  
And I don't wanna go to sleep  
'cause you are like a dream  
For every night I say a prayer,  
And I swear you are the answer [x2]

You're an angel, you're an angel, you're an angel.

Yes you are. You're an angel 

Laying there holding her as she laid her head on my chest her body becoming one with mine as we fell asleep and kissed.

The next morning I woke up early laying there I watched her as she slept so amazing and so graceful I scanned her whole body and breathed it all in the way she laid slightly crocked as her legs wrapped around mine. Her breathing seemed normal filling me with relief every once in a while I checked her making sure she wasn't bleeding out more then normal. I didn't want to sleep and miss a minute with her, careful not to wake her I covered us with a blanket and buried my head against hers and breathed her in.

**Tish**

The girls were sound asleep as I peaked my head in Mandy's hair fell across their bodies which were in tangled into each other. A fire glowed in the fireplace and lite the room up creeping in I saw clothes fallen on the floor and when I went up to the bed to check on them it became clear what had happened, smiling I leaned over and kissed both girls covering them and checking miles who seemed fine. More then fine she seemed happy almost healthy. Most mothers would be outraged or horrified to find their barely 17 year old daughter naked in bed with a 22 year old girl but in secret I was so glad she finally got her dream.

_Dream Sweet Baby girl.._

I whispered as I kissed her again, leaving.

**Mandy**

Waking up with my angel laying besides me was the sweetest most amazing feeling ever. A soft moan escaped her lips which I kissed and was rewarded by her opening those gorgeous blue eyes.

_Hey sweetie how's my angel?[me]_

_Tired but feeling so alive..[Miles]_

_Just cuddle you don't have to do anything babe [me]_

_I like cuddling with you especially naked..[miles]_

_I'm not minding this either..[me]_

_Wouldn't this have been great?[miles]_

_What's that? [me]_

_Doing this every morning? [miles]_

She snuggled closer to me and closed her eyes, her breathing calmed me.

Once she felt ready I helped her up and we went to the bathroom she was still stiff as we walked there so I helped her to use the toilet and get in the bath. Downstairs Billy had a huge feast spread out Noah was munching on Choc Chip Pancakes ,Bacon while Brandi had grapefruit and eggs Benedict with toast, Brasion had cereal and

juice with French Toast . Tish had an omelet with home fries and bacon . Quickly she rose and came over to us

hugged us wishing us Merry Christmas as we helped miles over to the stove.

She inhaled her moms plate and 2 pancakes plus 5 bacon and a whole container of orange juice half of which she was restricted from because of her kidneys but her parents were so happy she was eating they didn't care. After breakfast which was very lively her family plus her grandparents aunts uncles cousins were all here.

Plus Nazi and Ella's families it was awesome to be able to have them with us.

_Presents Presents! We want Presents!_

_Emily Grace, Noah calm down! We will get there! [Billy laughing]_

_Relax girls were almost ready let miles finish breakfast [Edi]_

_She already had half the farm [Brasion]_

_Oink Oink...[Brasion]_

_Shut up loser ..[miles]_

_Make me!_

_Stuff it or I will..[miles]_

Suddenly he grabbed the eggs and slammed it into her mouth..she squealed and jumped up

_That's it your mine toasty..[miles]_

She got up and chased him I saw Tish flinch and grab the counter Billy went up and wrapped his arm around her waist kissing her neck. I heard her laughter echo as she pounded Brasion's back and he twisted her around pinning her to the ground, squeals followed as Noah and Brandi got out the water guns...Emily Grace grabbed the video recorder and started filming.

I stood by her parents and we watched this happen tears welled up in moms eyes as she turned to Billy .I let them have that moment and went outside where Edi was sitting on the steps tears rolling down her face. Wrapping my arm over her shoulders we sat in quite watching the sun beat down on the freshly snow covered ground as little animals ran around confused. We didn't need words we just held each other...

Miles was beat afterwards but she didn't let on she quietly asked me to help her upstairs and I did gladly when we were past their sight she leaned her head on my shoulder and closed her eyes I saw her lips were blueish again. Quickly I got her out of her pants and into shorts covering her she cuddled into the bed

_Can you lay with me? [miles]_

_Course sweetie[ me]_

She was having a fairly good day so we let her do what ever she wanted to around 1 she woke up hungry so Billy made us some hamburgers and fries with milkshakes , then we gathered around to open presents making the kids so happy...it was tight with all the kids here so miles sat in Billy's lap or in mine. Noah was so thrilled when she tore through the gifts miles had gone all out spending tons on her Noah got everything on her list and kept hugging her and squealing showing off her presents. I watched miles watching her grinning. Her head rested against my shoulder I ran my hand through her hair. She made us save these boxes that looked identical to last and asked us to open them in private. We all promised that we would..curiosity burned at me mixed with fear. One of the presents that I opened was a bracelet with the words " Amanda Michelle my first my only my true love" love M.R..forever.. I love you so much ..Thank you..

She kissed me fully on my mouth and closed her eyes leaning against me..

I carried her upstairs after her dad said we'd open the rest later..she fell asleep fast I cuddled with her once her chest was heaving up and down , I slipped out of bed and opened her present it was neatly wrapped and had gold glitter stars that shoot out as I opened it making me laugh. Inside laid two items a huge scrapbook filled with pictures from the moment we met to up till yesterday. She must of spent hours on it and there were notes from her on all the pages pushing tears away I put it aside and went for the second present which was huge pulling it out I gasped it was a huge collage blanket of us with my fav saying in it..." follow your dreams in them is the gate to hidden eternity" tried as hard as I could but the tears fell pushing them back I crawled next to her wrapping the blanket around me. When we woke she was still and paler moaning slightly..alarms went through me as I felt her forehead..she was blazing..the minute I asked her if I should get her parents she shock her head no and tried to talk but her mouth had become paralyzed again and she was weak her hand was trembling her whole body seemed to shake. Cuddling her I held her and let her cry and whimper and shake...

**Miles**

It hit me when I woke up again like waves of a ocean on a clear bright sunny day no wind so you think you can just ride the wave safe then bam you get thrown. I had such a amazing day I could talk and walk run laugh cuddle and kiss Mandy and squeal...I felt great like before I got sick..then all of a sudden I couldn't move or speak or sit up pain was slicing through me .I was dizzy and nausea and achy my eyes were funny things were dimmer and less focused. I could barely make her out running my free hand over her sweet body I never wanted to forget her anything about her..she was so amazing..tears ran over my face ...Why? What did I do to deserve this? Why couldn't I just get a chance to live out my dreams? I wish I could say I had made some peace with my Destiny or that I wasn't afraid..but I can't because I am so afraid of leaving the ones I love behind afraid not that they will be so incondensable over my loss but over the fact that they would move on too easy that I would be forgotten..I'm not a self absorbed freak I know everyone dies and that people move on I want that for the ones I love to be happy and healthy to live a long full life but I just want to be remembered long after the pictures have faded and people stop whispering my name I just want someone to remember to feel like I mattered..

I was freezing..reaching out even my right hand was shaking and starting to become stiff...Progression it was suppose to be a good thing in life a path we all take but for DIPG it meant the tumor was growing and taking over... grasping the covers I felt the material and a small smile came over me she had opened the present and judging by my soaked shirt she had cried running my hand through her hair as she slept against me, I wished she hadn't cried she was so amazing and she had such a great future ahead of her. Brian was so sweet and I could see them together.

Swallowing I waited as she opened her eyes. The nightmares they were awful I dreamed that I was in the middle of the room trying to get everyones attention. But the more I screamed and jumped the farther they got and a piece of me vanished. Every night I had these dreams and I would wake up in a sweat cold dripping sometimes feverish.. I couldn't scream..I couldn't voice my fears..tonight was no different. Expect the fact that now I could cuddle with her..my one true love I kissed her and she woke up fully..

Dad carried me downstairs and I sat in his lap...I could feel the action going on around me but my eyes were blurry and kept fading . My chest felt heavy and I was so dizzy that I couldn't keep my eyes open for more then a few minutes before I felt faintness..mom wanted me rushed to the hospital but dad convinced her to let me call the shots ..No hospital..thank you very much..as they opened more presents..each one was placed in my semi good hand so I could feel it and guess what it was I managed to get a few right ..then Mandy placed one in my hand it was light but not too light round shaped I felt velvet..slowly my fingers grasped a cold metal object as I felt her kneel before me..I gasped as tears fell down...

A/N Angel by Leona Lewis..


	40. Chapter 40 Tears Of An Angel prt 3

**Tears Of An Angel **

**Miley's p o v**

_Mom,Dad can we talk? [me]_

_Lil buddy what's wrong?_

Slowly I inched my way with my walker towards them taking deep breaths from my portable oxygen mask as I went towards them. I couldn't see that far ahead it was all a blur of colors ,shapes but I felt mom try to reach to me and dad hold her back, I couldn't hear the words just the whispers. Trying not to keel over I took it much slower then I wanted to , it was so frustrating but I had to talk while Brandi and Mandy were on a trail ride and Noah and Brasion were at friends.. finally I reached them and dad's arms wrapped around me and helped me over to the nearest chair, mom fussed over me but I didn't try to stop her it made me feel so loved and so wanted that I started to cry her arms went right over me embracing me rocking me.

_Baby what's wrong?[mom]_

_I'm so sorry ..I am so sorry [me]_

_Oh honey for what you didn't do anything [mom]_

_For making you guys go through all this _

_I can't I just oh god..[me]_

Mom and dad held me rocking me holding me kissing me we sat there for over 2 hours talking they held my hands and ran their hands through my hair and told me how much they loved me and wanted me to be safe and healthy, happy. Finally dad made some coca and we started to talk.

_Buddy what's wrong? [Dad]_

_Talk to us we want to do anything we can to help you_

_Daddy..I .._

I felt him pull me close and kiss my head...Mom came closer and lifted my chin pulling it up...

_Miles you need to talk and if you don't feel_

_Comfortable talking to us then maybe you should talk [mom]_

_No ,No I am not talking to a shrink! I don't need that! [me]_

_Okay baby we won't make you talk to one but you need to talk ..[mom]_

_I know I want to I'm just so scared..[me]_

_Maybe that's what you need to talk about what's scaring you?_

_We want to make you feel safe and to know that you don't need to _

_Be scared sweetie we are always here..[Mom]_

_Mom can I ask something? [me]_

I was so nervous I didn't want to have this discussion I didn't want them to have to face this and I hated hurting them..but these nightmares were getting so bad, I had to talk to someone and my parents were always honest with me and I knew this wouldn't change my hands dug into one another till I felt mom reach over and hold them running hers over them...

_If I ask will you promise me to tell me the truth? [me]_

_Baby always..[Mom , dad]_

Mom pulled a blanket over me and got behind me embracing me her arms provided a safety harbor for me sighing. I wished I could see her gorgeous face I felt her tense up as she rocked me..

_Am I d...y,...i..n..g?_

_Please don't try to protect me I know I'm not getting better_

_I just need..[me]_

I felt mom's chest in take as she gasped and I started to shake my voice thick with emotion her mouth pressed to my hair and I felt her start to cry , her body shock along with mine as her sobs increased. Dad reached over my head and his arms enclosed around me what seemed like hours passed before he took a big breath..he seemed to try to form the words but he just could not get them around and I felt the anger boiling up again .Damn Cancer! Damn you why did you put my Daddy through this! He's a great dad kind and loving caring always ready to do what ever to make us laugh and smile he always takes care of us why does he have to deal with this! Mom was the one who spoke..

_Miles I want you to know _

_The truth if you are ready for it [mom]_

_Yes mom I am I need it please [me]_

_Sweetie the doctors say you are out of remission_

_And the tumor has grown so fast that there's no more _

_Treatments available..The cancer the AML_

_It's spread to so many parts that..they can't cure you [mom]_

_Mom am I dying? Please just tell me I know I am I just I need to _

_Hear it...say it out loud..[me]_

There was a brief pause more gentle rocking as more tears shed damping my hair..

_I wish with everything in me I could tell you_

_That there was going to be some happy ending_

_That Prince charming was going to come_

_And everything would be okay but I can't_

_The doctors say you have no chance..._

_That your body is just too weak and the cancer too strong [mom]_

_Mommy I tried so hard I really did I fought like crazy [me]_

_Oh baby I know ..We know you did [Mom and Dad]_

_And we are so proud of you_

_Never once did you give up _

_It's okay to be angry to feel cheated_

_To be sad to want to cry_

_Lord knows that we have but were _

_Going to do everything for you miles_

_Whatever you need just ask and we will get it [Dad, Mom]_

_I don't want to die at some hospital please_

_I want to be here with my family and friends [me]_

_We can do that Buddy...[Dad]_

_I don't want a bunch of people standing around _

_I want everyone to go on like normal_

_I don't want the girls scared and I don't want Mandy to know_

_She ..she had it rough she won't tell me what happened but she's so thin_

_I know she didn't take the break up well_

_I don't want her to hurt anymore please..[me]_

_We won't say anything miles if that's what you want but she senses something [Dad]_

_I know but she don't need to know till it's time let her just have some peace..[me]_

_Darling whatever you want..[mom]_

I leaned my head against her chest hearing her heartbeat calmed me down so much I closed my eyes and gave them a moment..

_Will it hurt? [me]_

_We will get all the pain medication you need we won't let you hurt..[dad]_

_How long? [me]_

_No one knows for sure..[Dad]_

_They gave you a expectation though right? [me]_

_Don't try to protect her Billy she wants to know she should [mom]_

_A few weeks baby if were lucky..[Dad]_

_Will I be able to breath? What's going to happen to me? [me]_

_Well Sweetie your body's going to start to shut down_

_You'll start to get very weak and cold because your __blood circulation_

_Is decreasing and your start to drink and eat less but don't be afraid to ask _

_If u feel like you want to eat or drink_

_You'll start to have problems staying awake [Dad]_

_Don't leave me Daddy promise me someone will stay with me [me]_

_We would never leave you alone Lil Buddy ever..I promise[Dad]_

_You may have loss of bladder control or bowels..[Mom]_

_Mom promise me that you or Brandi will help me_

_I don't want Mandy to ever see that! I mean it! [me]_

_She'll want to help but please …[Me]_

_Miles relax I will never let you lose your dignity [mom]_

_What else Mom, Daddy?[me]_

_Restless movements like you may feel pain but like I said the minute u do_

_Will drug you...[Dad]_

_Your breathings going to change but will help you _

_You may get confused [Mom]_

_Will someone help me? [me]_

_Of course will tell you stories and remind you how much _

_We love you..[Mom]_

_I don't want to forget! I'm sorry Mommy, Daddy [me]_

_Baby we know you don't want to we know it's the cancer_

_Don't feel guilty we understand [Dad]_

_I don't understand daddy why do I have to die?_

_What did I do to deserver this? [Me]_

_Nothing honey nothing you got dealt a lousy blow_

_But you are an amazing thoughtful talented _

_Gorgeous angel and you have brought us so much joy so much love_

_We don't know why I wish I could tell you.._

Tears were rolling down my eyes so fast I couldn't stop my stomach was hurting so bad I was dizzy and so hot and I felt something wet on my leg.. my chest was heaving so hard I couldn't breath. I was gasping so hard dad was pounding on my back telling me to calm down..Mom just held me so close she was crushing my chest as she cried. Wiping away my tears as she kissed my face...

_Mom?_

_Yes?_

_Can Mate and Sofie be in the room?_

_Yes honey you can have whatever animal you want_

_Thanks mom.._

She just held me I laid my head on her chest as dad held me..I have no idea how long we sat there but at some point I was calmed down. Looking up I swallowed

_Mo..m..m..y..[me]_

_Yes?_

_I am so sorry but.._

_I know Sweetheart Lets go get you cleaned up.._

She lifted me up and carried me to the bathroom helping me to pull down my pants to use the toilet while she prepared a bath...she held me as she washed me and talked to me about angels and family me as a baby we remembered all the times when I was a kid and all the times I auditioned for HM..

As she laid me down to sleep she and dad held me and sung to me..

_The morning cold and raining,  
Dark before the dawn could come  
How long in twilight waiting  
Longing for the rising sun  
oh oh oh oh  
You came like crashing thunder  
Breaking through these walls of stone  
You came with wide eyed wonder  
Into all this great unknown  
oh oh oh oh  
Hush now don't you be afraid  
I promise you I'll always stay  
I'll never be that far away  
I'm right here with you  
You're so amazing you shine like the stars You're so amazing the beauty you are  
You came blazing right into my heart  
You're so amazing you are...  
You are  
You came from heaven  
Shining Breath of God still flows from you The beating heart inside me  
Crumbled at this one so new  
oh oh oh oh  
No matter where how far you wander  
For a thousand years or longer  
I will always be there for you  
Right here with you  
You're so amazing you shine like the stars You're so amazing the beauty you are  
You came blazing right into my heart You're so amazing your so amazing u shine like the stars  
I hope your tears are few and fast  
I hope your dreams come true and last  
I hope you find love that goes on and on and on and on and on I hope you wish on every star  
I hope you never fall too far  
I hope this world can see how wonderful you are  
You're so amazing you shine like the stars You're so amazing the beauty you are  
You came blazing right into my heart You're so amazing you're so amazing you shine like the stars_

I fell into a deep dreamless sleep and stayed knocked out for close to three hours when I woke up mom helped me to use the bathroom and then she asked if I minded seeing someone? I said no and laid down as Katie came in.

**Mandy's p o v**

When we got back we were laughing and and pushing each other the ride had felt amazing now I knew why they loved it so much but I was tired and thirsty and I had to pee. Miles was talking to someone when we got in so I used the bathroom took a shower and went to play with Noah and Emily Grace.

Noah decided that chasing Mandy with a super soaker water gun was her idea of fun! She's the miles of the next generation..

Exhausted creped through me as I crawled into the house as soon as I entered I saw her parents exchange a worried look and call me over.

After our talk I sat on the couch clutching a pillow fighting off the tears..they had decided on hospice care that way there would be no more hospitals ,needles, tubes ,wires, medications. They wanted her to be comfortable they didn't say it but I knew what it meant. Their main concern were Emily and Noah.

Tish came over after an hour and hugged me kissing me. We sat and cried for what seemed like forever, miles called to her with a question so she went to her and I went to clean up so she wouldn't know I was crying.

_Mandy? Baby what's wrong? [miles]_

_Oh nothing babe wow how do u ride all the time?_

_My fanny is so sore..my muscles hurt_ ..[me]

_Oh baby let me help you...[miles laughing]_

_I think I am going to leave at that note! [Katie]_

_Oh god I didn't see you! [me]_

_No problem...take care of her..[Katie]_

If only she knew closing the door she went out to mile's parents as she pulled my pants off and ran her hands over my bum which felt so tender but her gentle touch relaxed me and made feel so loved who else would put their needs aside and comfort you, she massaged me and kissed my back and took off my boots massaging my feet.

Sleep was starting to come as I rolled over and she wrapped her arms around me brushing my hair back whispering " _I love you_" her hands caressed my stomach lingering on it. Then she leaned down and kissed it.

At some point I fell asleep..I vaguely woke up and saw her missing panic raised through me..quickly I shot up no light in the bathroom..calling her name ,I heard nothing scrambling out of bed I searched the house...scared she had gotten confused and tried to go somewhere she could of fallen down the steps crashed into something even gone outside...I didn't want to wake her family so I tried to be quite..my eyes squinted as I searched the rooms and watched where I was going ...CRASH...AH!

I looked up as the light flipped on and I saw Brandi standing there holding her head..I mouthed sorry and she just laughed...holding out her hand...

_Looking for miles?_ [Brandi]

_Yes..._

_She's playing with Noie_

_Oh thank god! [me]_

Brandi helped me up and we went and checked in on her she was on the floor playing some kind of game with her. I watched her and smiled as the exhaustion came back stronger.

**Miley's p o v**

At some point Noah had fallen asleep and her head rested on my lap making movement impossible so I settled in for the night leaning against the dresser highly uncomfortable but she was snuggled and comfy. Spotting a blanket I reached for it and pulled it down covering us . Running my hand through Noie's hair sighing I worried about her she was in denial she had no idea what was happening and I'm not sure she wanted to understand, I was desperate to find a way to make her understand. Mom came in the next morning and found us curled up with her head now resting in my arms my legs twisted in some weird way..

_Baby why are u on the floor?_

_It's cold you need to stay warm_

_Let me take your sister? How long have you been here?_

I shrugged she would kill me if she found out. With barely any effort she lifted her off me and swept her to the bed sighing I grabbed the dresser and started to pull myself up

_Miley No! [mom]_

Quickly she was by me and pulling me up I started to protest but she shushed me and lifted me I wanted to scream so she wouldn't hurt herself but she seemed to be able to lift with no problem. Then she tucked me in next to Mandy who's arms wrapped around me.

**Mandy**

Miley seemed to want to do everything while she could so her dad took her into town to visit her favorite spots. Edi , Miley's Mammie, Brandi and I took Emily Grace and Noah to the stables we wanted to talk to them and to help them understand , Noah was whistling .I recognized the tone but I couldn't pin point it. Her eyes were on her horse as she took great care in precise detail combing her mane and making her shine. The horse nudged Noah who giggled Emily gave us her full attention...her horse was too busy munching on carrots from Brandi's hand ..

_Girls we have to tell you something [Edi]_

_It's about a serious subject and you may be confused and angry_

_Scared it's okay to be all of them [Edi]_

_You know Sissy's been sick for a long time [Mammie]_

_Seven months..and three days...[Noah]_

_But god he's going to make her all better now right Momma? [Emily]_

_Not exactly baby girl [Edi]_

_Their stopping treatments she's staying home_

_Uncle Billy told us so [Emily]_

_I know we told you that but the thing is Miley's not getting better_

_She's not coming home because of that..[Edi]_

Emily got a strange look on her face Noah's eyes turned away and went down but she kept brushing and saddling.

_Then why is she able to come home?_

_You told me she would be in the hospital till she was better [Emily]_

_I know I did baby and that was the plan [Edi]_

_So what happened why isn't she getting better? [Emily]_

Her eyes filled with tears as she started to push her away panicking her voice rose..

_Because God needs her now [Noah]_

_Miley's coming home to prepare for a bigger journey [Noah]_

Noah flung her arms over Em's shoulders

_We talked about this god needs her to be with him so he's _

_Calling her home [Noah]_

_I don't understand she's coming here! [Emily]_

_Yea to end her journey here and start her journey to heaven_

_[Noah]_

Emily looked at each of us and we saw a mix of emotions play across her face till she busted into tears and Noah hugged her.

_I know how this is hard to understand _

_But death isn't something to be afraid of _

_It's a natural part of life_

_We all began to die the moment were born [Mammie]_

_Can she see us?[Emily]_

_Well for now but her eyes have started to shut down _

_Soon she won't be able to [Mammie]_

_Can we touch her? [Emily]_

_Yes of course you can touch her and hug her _

_Kiss her..play with her..for now_

_When she passes on no you won't be able to touch her_

_But but you can talk to her she just can't talk back [Edi]_

_What's going to happen? [Emily]_

_Well her organs will start to shut down and she'll start to sleep_

_A lot of the time will be giving her medication because she'll be in pain [me]_

_I don't want her to be in pain [Noah] [_she looked scared]

_That's why we are going to give her medication [Brandi]_

_When she's sleeping can she hear us? [Emily]_

_Were not sure Sweetie but talk to her maybe it can help [Me]_

_She'll be alert enough sometimes but not often [Me]_

_Will she know who we are? [Emily]_

_At the start probably but towards the end prob not but don't give up_

_Keep talking to her and telling her you love her [Brandi]_

Edi hugged her she cried harder

_How long? [Noah]_

_How long? [Edi and Mammie]_

_Does she have left? [Noah]_

_No one knows how long for sure..[Mammie]_

_I wanna ride..[Noah]_

_Noah you can ride later..[Mammie]_

_No I wanna ride now!_

She was ending this conversation so Brandi helped her prepare her horse...

_Alone..[Noah]_

Paps snapped her pics as we walked calling out questions.

Miles seemed to want to hold on the weeks passed by and she was as strong as she had been before then suddenly she started having nosebleeds so bad we had no choice but to rush to the hospital the hospice nurse was unable to slow it down, St. Jude's was amazing and got her calmed down and hooked up to blood transfusions once the bleeding stopped. This happened six times in three days so she had to stay a night and have more tests run. It was determined that she had a hemorrhage in her brain which seemed to be uncontrollable, but finally they got it under control and she was sent home miles never recovered fully though she was in and out of semi consciousness we just kept talking to her and telling her we loved her, Noah would sit by her and read to her that's when I knew...

She was holding out for Noah she didn't want to hurt her she turned 10 on January 8th we had a huge party for her everyone who was anyone was there all her friends and family , miles who struggled to stay awake the night made it just so she was able to dance with her and share in that special day .I watched as Noah twirled with her and made her laugh she seemed to know what we didn't a secret only sisters could share. I saw Tish watching them as Noah lifted miles up and they danced. Three days later she had another hemorrhage and was rushed to St. Jude's she slipped into a coma.

We brought her home to be with us just like she wanted taking turns staying by her Brandi read to her from the bible and Billy told stories of when he was a kid, Tish sung to her, Noah told jokes and Brasion was in charge of getting her whatever she needed. Trace held her hand and kept her cool and medicated. Emily Grace kept her looking pretty miles would like that. I sat holding her hand talking to her. Slowly her organs began to fail her kidneys started to shut down and her breathing became erratic the Rn's stayed with us constantly checking her..Tish and Billy encouraged the kids to go out and play with friends try to be normal but they refused the paps were lining the gates anyway. They changed her bed sheets every few hours since she was sweating so bad, I tried so hard not to cry as I held her hands when she would moan it broke my heart I never wanted her in pain, Brandi her mom and I would comfort her when she would start to stir. I plopped up her pillows trying to make her more comfortable when she started to have longer moments of gapings and times when she would stop breathing...I learned this was called Cheyne Stoke (pronounced chain stoke) a few times her mouth hung open so I would kiss her lips lightly an massage them she seemed to calm down. We kept her morphine supply at a good dosage always watching for a sign. What scared the girls was when she started making gurgling noises aka the "death rattle" one of the Rn's Sue told us it was because mucus was gathered at the back of her throat and she wasn't able to cough it up so they would suction it out a loud but painless producer. Tish never left her side expect to pee. Someone was always with her. We made sure she knew she was loved and taken care of. I talked to her cried to her all the time wondering can she hear me? We tried to keep her warm extra socks robes..blankets.. her body started to shake as her moans increased so Brandi and I laid in bed with her and held her..kissing her stroking her a few times her eyes opened and she had a vacant glassy stare which scared me so bad I started to cry...fluid began to build at her lungs and around her heart making breathing almost impossible her blood pressure started to go crazy..we just stayed with her telling her we loved her and that we knew she needed to go and we were okay...

Miley Ray passed away on a cloudy Sunday as sunrise just peeked through. We were all there holding hands her mom was laying in bed with her we were kissing her telling her we loved her and to go on. I didn't care who saw I kissed her right on the lips..She responded well at least I like to believe she did. Her final moments were the hardest she just kept gasping for breaths and stopping breathing her eyes turned to me open as I kissed her and her eyes rolled back she went into a seizor and her heart went crazy nothing could stop it she just kept gasping turning blue sweating like crazy..moaning..till finally her body started twitching and jerking...then her heart gave out...her body relaxed and she stopped breathing, Clutching my hand till her grasp went limp but I held on strong.

After the Rn checked her and pronounced her gone we gave each other private time to spend with her I kissed her and told her I loved her playing with her hair. I told her to have fun in heaven and keep playing that amazing music and smiling lots of smiles.

Her mom and Mammie bathed her gently and dressed her then Billy picked her up and carried her to the ambulance, the sun seemed to be hidden behind a cloud afraid to come out. I like to think of it as a little kid who's sad that his friend can't come to play. The bright flashes of the paps light up the sky. Like a lighting storm that invades your perfect pool day.

He laid her down arms wrapped around her as the EMT stood silent a hush fell over the paps who lowered their cameras as if understanding for the first time what had happened. A few I saw openly crying as they watched him lower his daughter to the stretcher her hair fell scattered over the pure whiteness of those sheets, he covered her with those sheets up to her chin. Kissing her forehead.

Brandi was the first to turn away burying herself in Sam's chest, I hear her sobs big and gasping as he rubbed her back his own eyes shone with tears. Billy seemed unable to let go I could hear him saying

_Not my lil budd.._

_Lil buddy no come back.._

_Please god not my lil buddy.._

As he rocked her and kissed her face till Tish put her arms around him and gently peeled him off.

I watched as they closed the door on my angel and felt my heart breaking. They got in turned on the lights and left. Business as normal to them ..To us well nothing would ever be normal again..

A emptiness took hold of me as pent up anger and sobs overflowed ..reality was hitting me fast the house was so quite. Cold was seeping in and I was exhausted ..I hadn't slept in forever...I went to her room and laid down.

When I woke up Brandi was by my side news of her death had spread all over the world already. Phone calls were coming in quick and steady. We held each other...

As we laid there I started to see that it's strange how we all view death even of the same person so differently..I was full of anger so much anger .I had waited so long being mad at stupid things wasting so much time , time I can't get back. She was feeling guilty cause she was the big sissy who was suppose to protect her sisters from harm but when she wasn't looking cancer had sunk up and grabbed her sister .She felt like she failed to keep her safe so losing her was her punishment that we all had to suffer.

Noah and Emily came in I expected tears or yelling but Noah was whistling that tone again..Brandi looked over at her picking her head up off my shoulder.

_Noie? Are you doing okay?[Brandi]_

Her voice was clogged with tears

_I'm okay Brandi why are you crying? [Noah]_

_Because I'm sad sweetie really sad [Brandi]_

_Don't be sad Sissy miles is finally home_

_Her journey's over she's with god in heaven _

_Now she can play run ,chase those boys_

_Sing even dance she's with pop-pop_

_And grand dad and Vanessa..[Noah]_

_God sucks he took away our smiley [Emily]_

_She wasn't ours to keep Em god only lent her to us [Noah]_

_She's his we all are he lent her to us to teach us compassion and love_

_To teach us to dance to teach us dreams do come true if you work hard enough_

_But she was never ours just an angel that he sent down to do his work_

_Till he called her home.._

_Think of her as a gift from above [Noah]_

_Well God's a Indian giver and I don't like them_

_A gift is ours to keep forever not to give back when they get mad [Emily]_

Emily got up mad and stomped out of the room but for some reason Brandi and I found this funny and laughed her face was so adorable and Noah's look of like "what the heck?" was precious.

She settled down to play with Roadie and Sofie who looked sad Noah wrapped her snuggie closer it was her gift from miles. A snuggie is a combo of a blanket and robe it can be spread out as a throw but also has sleeves and closes around like a robe. Hers was covered in photos from the time she was a baby up to now all pictures with her and miles or as a family.

It amazed me how calmly Noah looked at death so pure and simple it's natural and unstoppable, while we were full of questions anger guilt she just accepted it. It must of been miley. I thought as sick as she was she had thought of taken time to prepare her that thought made me start to feel sick and made me shudder her thinking about the fact that she was dying .I wish she had talked to me about what she was feeling. She should of never had to go through that. Even in death though it was amazing how she had reached beyond me and touched me..the tears shrieked down silently rolling down.

Her parents asked for a autopsy to explore the tumor in hopes of helping research , so kids in the future may have a better chance at fighting DIPG newer drugs more research..miles had asked for it she wanted kids to have the chance she didn't get.

Miles had planned out everything what she was going to wear what she wanted in a service how many she wanted where and what was to be sung . There was to be two services in La Thursday morning into the afternoon and Friday morning then her body was flown to Franklin Tn for a service Saturday morning and the burial that afternoon.

The viewing and Her funeral were the hardest days of my life well expect the day we lost her ..getting up Brian went and made a fresh pot of coffee he came and sat by me running his hands over my bare thighs ..

_Mandy I'm right here for whatever you need_

_Just don't be afraid to ask or lean on someone_

I didn't answer but I was grateful ..for him and for miles blessings she had met him and he was the sweetest to her challenging her to video games and whooping her butt which she had laughed about. Even as sick as she was she never stopped laughing and smiling...she told me that night she liked him and she was glad for me..tears rolled down my eyes as I laid there thinking about her..her smile her laugh her amazing sense of humor..I couldn't stop them the tears just poured down in waves..he came in and held me and didn't let go so I held on tight. Burying my face in his chest while he rubbed my back and kissed my face soothing me.

The church was packed in downtown La as we expected after all she was the Disney Teen Queen fans lined the streets for miles to pay their respects photographers lined the steps but even they were subdued my head was killing me my stomach was going crazy but I held onto Brian's hands for comfort. Tish asked me to sit up front with them squeezing next to Brandi. I held her hand she was gazing far out in the distant my heart broke so hard for her as much hell as I was going through it was 100 x worse for her she lost not just her best friends her sister her memory maker..her other half..I put my arms around her and we held each other...Noah was holding onto her mother's skirt tears rolling down .I wondered how much she even understood. Brasion was helping Trace be the greeter he looked handsome but I knew he had been crying and that broke me he was always so tough so brave so "I'm the man"..here he was tears stained face..that's the power of cancer...it breaks u down ...the priest started

_We are here today to say good-bye To Miley Ray_

_An angel who was put on this earth to show us all how to love_

_A child of God who was only given a short 17 years_

_But in those years she accomplished_

_More then most of us will ever do in this life_

_She taught us all about given about reaching for your dreams_

_About fighting with grace and dignity_

_And how to be patient kind and funny even through the worst of _

_Times..Miley Ray is a Ray of sunshine and light one who brightened our world_

_Now we have the task of making that light last..Even though her body is no longer with us.._

Then he said some really nice passages and made some speeches...people went up and said words the president of Disney spoke about what a sweet country girl they had found and how much she had changed but yet still kept her same nature

Emily spoke about how her and miles didn't get along right away but how much she loved getting to know her and making friends with her the last few years. How she taught her how to manage in a world of consent criticism how they had silly pass times back stage their secret places and how people compared them to Lucy and Ethel then she read a poem

_Little Angels  
When God calls little children  
to dwell with Him above.  
We mortals sometimes question  
the wisdom of His love.  
for no heartache compares with  
the death of one small child,  
who does so much to make our world  
seem wonderful and mild.  
Perhaps God tires of calling  
the aged to His fold.  
So He picks a rosebud  
before it can grow old.  
God knows how much we need them  
and so He takes but few,  
to make the land of Heaven  
more beautiful to view.  
Believing this is difficult  
still somehow me must try.  
The saddest word mankind know  
will always be "Goodbye".  
So when a child departs  
we who are left behind,  
must realize God loves children,  
Angels are hard to find _

Then Emily sang a song called Now I lay me down To sleep while Nick played the paino

_Now I lay me down to sleep_

_Now with a song you still can't sing_

_Cause I'm still here I'll always be near_

_I'm just a whisper away_

_Don't you cry and don't you lose hope_

_I can fly and I will soar.._

_And I will meet you_

_Where you are I'm never_

_More then just a whisper away_

_If you ever wonder if I'm safe and sound_

_You can rest in knowing I've been found_

_I am loved and I am home_

_There's a love that holds us together_

_In till we see each other again_

_Until that time_

_Mom and Dad close your weary eyes_

_I'm never more then just a whisper away_

_No I'm never more then just a whisper away_

_Now I lay me down to sleep_

Mitchel and Aries and Jason spoke ..Mitchel's speech about being angry and about being so confused got to me the tears were flowing ..

_**Miley was my first real friend in Hollywood **_

_**She was amazing in every way so determined to live her dreams**_

_**Without giving up her personal life and people did not**_

_**Make that easy for her**_

_**But she was gracious always with her fans with her time**_

_**With the paps she was always giving never taking**_

_**But she was not without flaws I remember a time we went **_

_**To the movies and I had this huge bag of popcorn and what did she do?**_

_**Dump it on my head ...by mistake mind you she was so busy talking on her cell**_

_**She missed the step and tripped all the way down I happen to catch her falling**_

_**Not by choice but there went my popcorn up up and down on my head**_

_**And what did she do?**_

_**Yell at me like I tripped her and wanted the popcorn to land on me**_

_**Crazy I know right**_

_**But that's what I loved about her she was fun unpredictable**_

_**She lived life to the fullest **_

_**So how is it right that someone so young so amazing**_

_**Who had so much to offer us be taken so soon?**_

_**It's not right! It's not fair!**_

_**It's wrong..it's well it's a lot of things**_

_**But more so it has a way to put things in perceptive**_

_**We get to see what's important and what's not**_

_**Petty things go away and love well love that's what holds**_

_**Us all together it's the love that has to stay even after we are gone**_

_**It's knowing we are loved by god that gives us strength**_

_**But does it mean we can't be angry?**_

_**Because I am angry so angry that I don't know how I can **_

_**Stand it!**_

His face was beat red as tears streamed down his face he took a minute gasping and chocking..Emily went up and put her arms over him,he took a minute to compose himself Aries brought him some water as him and Jason came up with Shanica and Ana Marie as they read a prayer...Aries started them off …

_Lord, make me an instrument of your peace; _ _Where there is hatred, let me sow love;_ Shanica and Ana  
_Where there is injury, your pardon Lord; _ _And where there's doubt, True faith in you;_ _O Master,_ _Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;_ _To be understood, as to understand;_ Emily Jason and Mitchel _To be loved, as to love;_ _For it is in giving that we receive,_ _It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,_ _And it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life._ _Amen._ Brandi and Noah got up holding hands Noah took the mic looking at Brandi who nodded as if to say go on so She did _My sister was my best friend sometimes my worst enemy_ _But always my sissy she took care of me babysat me made me food_ _Took me shopping laughed with me cried with me_ _She is the one I inspire to be when I am older in short my sissy she's the best_ _I would like to read this poem if it's okay_ She paused almost as if to see if anyone would object when she seemed to think it was okay she went on _**God saw she was getting tired  
and a cure was not to be.  
So He put His arms around her  
And whispered, "Come with Me".**_

With tear-filled eyes we watched her  
suffer and fade away.  
Although we loved her deeply,  
We could not make her stay.

A golden heart stopped beating,  
hard-working hands put to rest.  
God broke our hearts to prove to us  
He only takes the best. Not a dry eye by that point Brandi's voice cracked as she held Noah and tried to talk but all she could do was break. Tish Megan and Codi went and helped her down...people came and went but my eyes would not leave that coffin, she looked so peaceful so still so not how she was but she looked gorgeous like a sleeping angel.. it was hard to think that she was gone... _Mandy your up...[mom]_ My legs shock as I went up I felt so sick my neck hurt my head hurt but nothing compared to my heart... _**One little bird has challenged the sky  
Spreading her wings, she has ventured too high..  
****  
Alas, so young, she is scarcely grown  
When her joyous flight, too soon, is flown**_

But, though she falters, yet she sings!  
For faith and hope support her wings...  
**  
And we who watch her perilous flight  
Can only encourage her into the night!**

Her one brief effort soon is done  
While our fresh trials are yet to come;  
**  
But, moved by the passionate way she strives  
We too lift the burdens of our own lives**

And slowly, blindly, we travel on,  
Heartened by her triumphant song

Flying so surely, this tiny brave soul  
**Reminded us all of our ultimate goal..**

**Where one day, we dare dream to be:  
Reunited,...for eternity**

**One little bird's last flight is done,  
Her great challenge, overcome**

Encouraged anew, we shall face each day,  
Led by this fledgling, who's shown us the way! Still shaken after I recited it Brandi Codi, Megan, Demi ,Selena ,Emily Mitchel ,Jason,Aries, Shanica and Ana Ella ,Nazi ,Reba, Payton,Jo,Alicia And Becky,Danny ,Sunny, Joe ,Nick and Kevin all came up as we started a tribute to her...

_Cover my eyes  
Cover my ears  
Tell me these words are a lie  
It can't be true  
That I'm losing you  
The sun cannot fall from the sky_

Can you hear heaven cry  
Tears of an angel  
Tears of an aaaangel...  
Tears of an angel  
Tears of an aaaangel.

Stop every clock  
Stars are in shock  
The river will run to the sea  
I wont' let you fly  
I won't say goodbye  
I wont let you slip away from me

Can you hear heaven cry  
Tears of an angel  
Tears of an aaaangel...  
Tears of an angel  
Tears of an aaaangel.

So hold on  
Be strong  
Everyday on we'll go  
I'm here, don't you fear

Little one don't let go  
(Ooooooooooohhhhhhhhh)  
Don't let go  
(Ooooooooooohhhhhhhhh)  
Don't let go  
(Ooooooooooohhhhhhhhh)

Cover my eyes  
Cover my ears  
Tell me these words are a lie

**DONNA**

Watching Tish made me all to well aware how easy our places could have been traded if Laura had not heard Mandy screamed if she hadn't screamed in the first place. I watched Mandy standing at that coffin staring at that gorgeous little girl and all I could say was thank god it wasn't Mandy..I know selfish ..but if your a mother you would understand..It wasn't that I didn't feel for Tish. I did my heart broke Miles was so unique so sweet so original...but I was just thankful my children were alive and well... I did my best to comfort her parents but if you've never lost a child how do you go about doing that? Words offer little comfort in the grand scheme of things...watching from a distant. I worked my way up front but nothing prepared me for the sight of that sweet child in the coffin...she was dressed in a pair of designer jeans with diamond studs in them Hannah jeans. I guessed and a soft purple tank top simple but so miley like her hair which hadn't completely fallen out was extended with extensions and looked radiant on her her face glowed but her eyes remained shut ..it caught me right in my chest as tears poured down..I touched her face and said a prayer for god to keep this sweet angel safe and love her as much as her parents do...then I thanked her for being Mandy's soul keeper. When I was done I went and hugged my four kids Mandy I held extra long just so she would know how much she was wanted.. when it was my time to go up I felt Mandy squeeze my hand as I went to stand before the congregation .I took a deep breath and started speaking

_No one can prepare you for this day _

_Ever you tell yourself that you can give it time and _

_That will help you cause if u give it time anything will be_

_Okay but it doesn't help..nothing can help cause in reality _

_The simple fact is that the child you love the child you carried _

_And held the child you feed clothed prayed for loved_

_And watched grow_ _is gone ripped from your arms too soon_

_And now your left to carry on_

_But how do you do that?_

_You can't so you have to find ways to deal_

_To get through in till the day that you can look ahead and stare into_

_Those gorgeous eyes again_

_No no one can say why some kids are left to live while others aren't_

I stared into my daughters tear filled eyes and thanked him silently for allowing me to be one of the lucky ones

_All we can do is hold onto those precious memories_

_Miley was my daughters best friend when she first met her _

_She was a shy 14 year old just making it in this business_

_She was nervous silly but she had a strength inside of her I haven't seen_

_In many adults so it was no surprise she made it as far as she did or as fast as _

_She did..but what amazed me was her sweet nature her politeness_

_And her thoughtfulness she always put Mandy's needs before her own_

_I never worried about her when she was around cause I knew my child was safe_

_Thank you for that miley thank you and god keep her safe_

_I'd like to think her spirit is watching over us all now probably moaning at the fuss_

_Were all making here today and if she is I think she'd have a few things to say_

_Daddy please don't look so sad,  
Mommy please don't cry.  
I am in the arms of Jesus  
and He sings me lullabies.  
Please do not try to question God,  
Don't think He is unkind.  
Don't think He sent me to you and that  
He changed His mind.  
You see, I am special  
and I'm needed up above.  
I'm the special child you gave Him,  
The product of your love.  
I'll always be there with you.  
So watch the sky at night.  
Find the brightest star thats gleaming.  
Thats my halo's brilliant light.  
So Daddy please don't look so sad.  
Mommy please don't cry.  
I am in the arms of Jesus.  
And He sings me lullabies. _

Tish stood up and hugged me she had tears welled up but she was being strong god I could never hold it together if it was my child..

_Thank you everyone for coming today_

_And I wanted to say thank you god for_

_Blessing me with such amazing children_

_Brandi my first born you are an angel _

_Who holds us all together_

_Trace you showed us that you should never judge someone_

_By how they look but by their actions_

_Miley well you are the wild angel who never liked _

_To do what was expected_

_Thank u for showing us all how to be ourselves_

_Brasion for never changing who you are for reminding us all_

_That life doesn't stop jus cause you have cancer_

_Noie well you are the most like miles with your humor and_

_Determination don't change and remember that your sissy loved u 2 even if she snapped_

_She never stopped loving you_

_I am thankful for each day I got to hold my baby and share her _

_Incredible life and she had such a will_

_And I don't know how I am going to go on without my baby_

_But I know I have to and I know I will see her again so please_

_God take care of her and let her know she is so very loved and very missed_

_And thank you for trusting me with such a gorgeous angel_

_I love you smiley miley ..I know u r smiling down on us.._

_Brandi would like to try again_

_Come here baby_

She went up shaky Megan was holding her hand as she spoke her voice ridden with tears

_I just want to say that it was a honor_

_To be miley ray's older sissy_

_Growing up it was just us kids so we learned_

_To get along pretty well which isn't to say we didn't fight_

_But we learned how to deal with it and be friends and our protectors_

_Miley was always the sensitive one who needed a bit more loving then I did_

_We were only 5 years apart so we were closer then most sisters_

_Growing up with a famous father you never know who to trust so we trusted _

_each other..from an early age we knew she would be a star_

_I was always proud of her cause no matter what she did she shone_

_And now she shines brightest of all and I know I will see her again someday_

_But for now she's in my heart and in my memories_

_I love u sissy_

**MANDY**

As the church emptied out I slipped over to her open coffin and touched her face one last time as the tears fell slowly .I ran my fingers over hers on her ring finger lay my engagement ring next to it our wedding ring..a priest had married us the night before she passed away we had laid in bed together all night kissing and holding each other...her mom came up and held me..her hand slide over my stomach...

_Take care of that little one_

_I already lost one baby _

_I can't lose another...[mommy Tish]_

_I promise mommy I promise_

She kissed my forehead. I leaned down and kissed her face and her hands then her lips softly respectfully mind you. There was another viewing that night and one the next morning she had so many friends so many fans..

The next afternoon her coffin was flown to Nashville where another viewing was held and the burial afterwards it was private.

I watched as they lowered her coffin into the ground but it wasn't her..no my angel was flying free somewhere watching over all of us ...taking care of us...rubbing my stomach I knew then what I planned to name her/him...yes Brian and I are expecting I found out in Tennessee three days before she married me. Angel Miles

After The priest spoke Carrie a close friend took Noah's hand and they went up front and started to sing...

_Little boy, 6 years old  
A little too used to bein' alone  
Another new mom and dad,another school  
Another house that'll never be home  
When people ask him how he likes this place  
He looks up and says with a smile upon his face_

"This is my temporary home  
It's not where I belong  
Windows and rooms that I'm passin' through  
This is just a stop, on the way to where I'm going  
I'm not afraid because I know this is my  
Temporary Home."

Young mom on her own  
She needs a little help got nowhere to go  
She's lookin' for a job, lookin' for a way out  
Because a half-way house will never be a home  
At night she whispers to her baby girl  
Someday we'll find a place here in this world

"This is our temporary home  
It's not where we belong  
Windows and rooms that we're passin' through  
This is just a stop, on the way to where we're going  
I'm not afraid because I know this is our  
Temporary Home."

Young Girl, hospital bed  
The room is filled with people she loves  
And she whispers don't cry for me  
I'll see you all someday  
She looks up and says "I can see God's face."

"This is my temporary Home  
It's not where I belong  
Windows and rooms that I'm passin' through  
This was just a stop,on the way To where I'm going  
I'm not afraid because I know this was  
My temporary home."

This is our temporary home 

Exhausting took over as we went to their house for a after service Tish had me lay down for awhile..her bed still smelled like her...I clutched her pillows and took her all in.

**TISH**

Your never taught to imagine this moment as a kid your taught to picture the man of your dreams his white horse a white house with a picture perfect fence 2 kids ...a boy and a girl they grow up get married have kids u get old and retire happily..your never taught to watch while your child drown in her own blood your never told to picture your 16 year old fighting for her life hooked to tubes to prepare for her death to pick out her coffin or her funeral clothes...your just never taught because it's unnatural..it's unjust ….it goes against the laws of nature..but it was real..laying down by Mandy all I could do was picture was what should have been me coming in here on a lazy Saturday afternoon waking these two sleepy heads up getting the usual gripping as I ruffle my daughters gorgeous cascades of hair ..them arguing who was going to drive...guess who won every time..Mandy..them coming in with sushi and teasing Noah her and Brasion fighting...music blasting them up all night making videos as Billy and I yell for them to go to bed...but it was impossible all those dreams died..right along with my beautiful baby girl ...Brandi had come in with Noah at some point and laid down by us Mandy was sleeping peacefully my hand laid gently on her stomach as Brandi and Noie held me and each other...a poem I heard once echoed in my brain and never once back then did I ever think it would apply to me. I remember sneaking away feeling creped out by that womens loss...now here I was years later...thinking the same poem...feeling what she must of felt as she read it out loud..

_I buried my daughter today  
My soul burns red with pain  
No longer will I touch her face  
Or caress her skin again_

I buried my daughter today  
God, what have I done wrong  
To have her stolen from my arms  
When my faith in you was strong

I buried my daughter today  
Thank God I three others  
I couldn't walk this path alone  
Every breath is a struggle

I buried my daughter today  
She was just a bit past sixteen  
Searing, ripping, tearing ache  
My emotions overcome me

My other now a mother this eve  
To God above, how I pray  
These words by her not repeated  
I buried my daughter today 

Life doesn't give you choices on what it dishes out but you can chose how to deal and I can't change the fact that she's gone, but I can chose to make the most of whatever time I am granted..Miley's dying wish was to make sure her family and friends were taking care of financially and then to give whatever money was left over to camp and to Ella and Nazi..she wanted a fund raiser to benefit cancer. She just wanted the people she loved taken care of that was her biggest fear that we would be broken but she underestimated us..we are fighters and we will make it...that I know... in my mind I can see the letter she typed up shortly before her death myself Brandi and I had stayed up with her typing and retyping it …

Ever since I was a little girl I have watched my dad up on stage

Doing his thing and all I could think about was dang I wanna do that

It looks fun . Daddy didn't want me to he said it was a lot of hard work

Harder then cleaning two pigs after a mud brawl and yall that is messy!

But still I wanted what I wanted and I have never been one to take NO as a answer

So I begged and begged and well you know the rest if u don't tune in Disney Channel

Hannah Montana check your local listings but seriously

What looks easy on TV and in magazines isn't as easy in reality

There's a lot that goes into being a performer and sometimes you can

Get caught up in a world that makes you lose who you are

I was grateful to have a family and amazing friends who never

Let me forget who I am and whats real

Sure I've done things I'm not proud of and things I regret and wish I could take back

But over all I've had a great ride

The one thing I wish I could more of and that I think

Celebrities often lose sight of is that we are not here because of how

Great we are that's only part of it

The real reason is cause we are blessed to have

The best fans around who love us and support us

So I believe it is our responsibilities

To do what we can to give back

After all we are the next generation

If we don't who will teach our kids and grandkids?

Don't live under the impression that being just a kid or just a girl

Is any excuse we can all make a difference

Any age any race any sex

We are all powerful and we all have the

Chance to do something great

We just need to to

Believe hope and dream...

To my fans thank you for believing in and loving me

I hope I did you proud

Don't let what happened to me get u down or stop it

Use it to make a difference do it for yourself your kids

Your friends do it in my memory if it helps

To my family you will never know how much you mean to me

My love is never ending like a river it flows on

My friends thank you for the amazing memories

The fun and the laughter the tears and even the fears we had the time

Of our lives keep having the times for me

I love you all so much please remember that!

I could hear the beautiful sound of my baby singing that song as I felt my eyes lured into sleep to dream of her sweet face..the words echoed in my ears....

_Finally  
I've been waitin' for this moment  
For you to see  
The real me_

It's been an illusion  
I never meant to fool you  
I got caught up in a fantasy

I'm just a girl  
With a dream that got the best of me  
In a world, that believes fame is everything  
Got outta touch  
With the ones who gave me my wings to fly, to fly

People say, that the world is like a stage  
Their so confused, the rules I play  
I been away from home for so long  
That I, I almost forgot where I belong  
Ye-eah

I'm just a girl  
With a dream that got the best of me  
In a world that believes fame is everything  
Got outta touch  
With the ones who gave me my wings to fly, to fly

Its so easy to forget what really matters in this life  
Its so hard to live with regrets but a promise i will try  
To be a better me  
From now on  
I'm sorry  
I didn't mean to do you wrong

I'm just a girl  
With a dream that got the best of me  
In a world that believes fame is everything  
Got outta touch  
With the ones who gave me my wings to fly, to fly,  
To fly, to fly

You gave me my wings so I can fly, I can fly  
Yeah, Yeah

I'm just a girl 

A/N so this became a lot longer then I intended and it ended up being a bit rushed at the end sorry bout that but hopefully it's still decent ..let me know what you think but be nice in your reviews or don't bother cause it's a waste of time. Thanks for reading.

Lyrics to tears of an angel by Ryan Dan words to flight taken from

.

I buried my daughter today taken from

only the best

.

little angels

.com/littleangels/

now I lay me down to sleep by

**Nikki** Venable

hard to find but search youtube


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